The Green Mile, ( warning content may upset people)

[Obsessed]

My PTSD life.

Last night I had one of my night mares It happens every few months. There is a scenes towards the
end of the movies "the green mile" where the prisoners go through a mock execution hours before
the execution.
The end of my nightmare was ME. I was allowed to say my last words, i forgive the judge, the
jury, the lawyers for sending me to the execution table as you are only working on the evidence you
have been given.I then died.
How I got there you ask? This was the end of my nightmare in full technicolor. what started this
was my mind trying to identify my sexual abuses.  In the nightmare I almost identified the people but when the the
imaginary face masks came up to their noses everything went blank.
Then there was the one person who over 8 months abused me multiple times. In the nightmare again
I almost identified the person when the imaginary mask came up to his nose. Things went blank.
Between this and the green mile there was a court case I convicted of a false charge then executed.
What that court case was I do not remember. All I remember what I just wrote.
NOW you are wondering why I'm writing this?
SUICIDE is a dirty word. No one wants to talk about SUICIDE in public.WHY? 
Suicide is a major societal issue AND NO ONE ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
WHY?
I am one of very few people who is willing to talk or write about the problems sexual assault
victims face on a day to day bases.There are many that have survived their attempts yet will not talk
about it or simply found a way of taking their life.
I am a multiple suicide survivor SEVEN, thats correct 7 times I tried.

I am a sexual abuse survivor.
I am a first generation Australian, not a great thing.
You can bury your head in a bucket of sand and say "it didn't happen" or you can face reality. It
took me 40 years to face all this. It took me another 7 years to go to court and win. Its taken seven
years to accept what has happened. I have to accept that the nightmares will continue for the rest of
my life. I have to accept "the green mile" I will never be able to identify the people who sexually
abused me multiple time.
Remember I am not the only sexually abuse male. It seems I am the lone voice that is prepared to talk publicly
SUICIDE is real.  It doesn't
have to be sexual abuse modern society can send you down the path of suicide.
 

[Croix]

Dear Obsessed~

I'd like to welcome you back, it has been several years since you last logged on here and I hope at least part of that time has been kind to you.

I'd also like to thank you for being considerate and putting up a content warning at the start of this thread.

Your nightmare description is very vivid and is similar in some way to the ones I get myself, though my trauma came about in a different way. The fact you were basically powerless in the dream, and were unable to identify (in the dream) those that harmed you all ring familiar. Most often I do not dream of the actual circumstances, but things almost in parallel wiht me always powerless, almost like it is a 'force' against me rather than individuals. (Dunno if that makes any sense).

I guess one good bit of news is that over time these dreams, plus flashbacks, have become less and less frequent, and at the same time are not as powerful, not leaving me in the same frightened and hopeless state as before. I can take them in my stride. I can also try to avoid situations, movies etc that I know will possibly set me off

Unfortunalty I still have suicidal thoughts though again it is a long time since I made an attempt. I can take strength from the fact I have felt that way before and come out the other side OK.

You fought back in real life and went to court (more than courageous) and won! Together wiht your  willingness to speak  you have met your past head-on and I suspect that has to be good for you as well as being an example for others. The fact it took several years to commence is nothing.

I'm happy to talk about suicide wiht you if that is what you'd like, though you may have to move this  thread to another Section (Suicide and Self Harm). Let's just see how we go.

Is there anything in particular you would like to discuss?

Croix

[Obsessed]

HI Croix.

Thanks for your reply. Its hardening to know thought you had a different circumstances the MO is the same.I had not had a night mare as I described since 2022 when I won the court case. I suspect I have fell over because of my employment situation. Briefly I was sacked as a engineering sales person in june 2023 . In six months since june 2023 I sat down writing emails , called calling walking the street of shame and could net get a job. I then broaden my thoughts of employment. I could NOT get a job as a meter reader, and service station attendant and so on. Six months later i  finally realized at 62 society will not employ me.

Six months of getting more and more depressed working 5 days a week looking for a job, thousands of reject email, the ones that bothered to reply, I gave up.

It is hard to realize that society has rejected anyone over 60. I am not the only person . I have talked to many people world wide, the problem is world wide.

This depression has brought all my bad memories back which I think is the cause of my recent nightmares.

[Croix]

Dear Obsessed~

While I agree that getting a job over 60 is particularly hard maybe you are looking in the wrong area. You have had a lot of specific life experience and in fact a couple of years ago stated to use it for the benefit of others.

I'm not suggesting being a BB speaker is the whole answer for you (it may be for others) but there are pleanty of other organizations where your lived experience, both in explaining what happened to you and in shaping procedures and even legislation to cater for those issues. One of those roles is Consumer Representative.

Can I suggest that if it is not going to be too taxing on you, and that if you have support you investigate these avenues instead. They may be voluntary (most are) however such things are allowed on Social Security benefits.

While I'm basically talking about suicide prevention or possibly mental health  there are a vast array of jobs that need doing in umpteen fields.

Keeping on trying in the area where you are most likely to fail is not good, constant hope followed by disappointment is a horrible thing. Trying in another area where success is more likely could be better.

Croix

[Obsessed]

Thanks again.

I have tried most types of jobs from service station assistant , meter reader through to engineering sale.

Since 2019 I have been studying massage therapy at night school while employed and now doing my diploma in remedial. 6 months ago after bassing the closed door  my wife opened up this other door. Now I have my own massage business.

As for being a BB speaker , I am registered as a speaker and have done a number of engagements before covid. After covid Nothing. I did communicate about the lack of offers. My subject about sexual abuse and my suicide attempts are just not in vogue at the moment.

[Croix]

Dear Obsessed~

I think it was a good move, learning massage and now having your own busines, I hope it prospers.

There are more ways of assisting in the area of abuse, , and those who are suicidal. If you find you cannot get sufficient engagements wiht BB speaking then try other means. Being a consumer representative for an organisation that supplies them to government departments or other organizations is one way.

Consumer reps can sit on employment panels, various other committees and even help advise on legislation reform

What do you think?

Croix

[Obsessed]

The employment panels  Yep tried those  and some committees. NOTHING. At this point Ive just given up.

I will continue in my little world to continue my diploma in remedial massage, As for helping people  in advisory panels or in legislation I apply I always get" we have a number of great applications and at this poin you have been unsuccessful"

This is what I get.

As previously written
Sexual abuse multiple times , attempted suicide multiple times. Its TOO hard  Im guessing people dont want to hear the real stories from real people that have to struggle with the system on below average wage.

Suicide is a major problem, 3429 people died by their own hand in 2022, less than 1/2 died by car accidents in the same year.

Suicide affects the first responders that have to clean up the mess , then its the family and freinds, Yet NO ONE wants to talk about suicide.

Go figure.

[Croix]

Dear Obsessed~

Continuing with massage sounds an excellent thing to do, it is physical -always god for one, and is most often appreciated by clients.

I would agree that if you just apply for committees etc as an individual it is gong to need a very lucky break. I started off joining a consumer representative organisation (not BB) and gradually got positions though them.

I don't know if you have contacted them but the Blue Knot Foundation has a lot for those who suffered early abuse, and I"d suggest oyu have a word wiht them . It may lead on to other things, after all you have hte knowledge to understand others problems and may be able to make suggestion about waht has worked for you.

I"d imagine that would involve a fair amout of talk about suicide.

Croix

[Obsessed]

cheers, Ill try blue knot foundation.