The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

When the mind is 'too far gone' use the body instead.

I once walked around a football ground a fair number of times before my rage left and I became calmer (Just as well because in my original state I might have done something I regretted to another)

Croix

[Guest9337]

Evening Croix! Yeh mate top advice.

When I was feeling particularly vengeful, angry and damn right furious I would chop wood, shall we say - quite vigorously whilst saying rather loud expletives!

That wood was well chopped!

[Petal22]

Hi Guest 7403,

I understand it’s hard but try to have that inner belief that there is a treatment out there for you….. a treatment that can help YOU!

A Warrior never knows defeat a warrior will keep searching and trudging forward…… you just need to find that inner courage that I know you have! Take one step at a time guest 7403…… each step forward will get you closer and closer towards your recovery….. seek new avenues Guest 7403…… I know you have that courage inside you……… you may just stumble across a new way of living once you reach out to the correct treatment plan for you!

Its within you Guest 7403 just try …. Step by step…

We are all here cheering you on 💪

[Guest_7403]

None of this stuff has any affect on me. I'm never going to change.....I give up.

[Petal22]

Never give up Guest 7403…….. you CAN change! It is possible

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

You do not have to change deep down. You protected someone - that is the YOU. So now protect you. This time others are not just standing around.

When in the force I think I'd like working with the man you described, and no way I'd stand around and count the cost of helping - does not come into it.

Croix

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Even though you can't feel for your kids, is it possible to use them as anchors to life? Would you be willing to do anything for them? Would you be willing to try group counseling/therapy? From experience, this is something incredibly challenging, sitting with strangers, gradually sharing how you feel. Perhaps these will be the only people who you will be able to relate to. Having someone to relate to can be mind altering. After15 years of being in depression, with a moment included where I hit the absolute bottom and tried to leave this world, it was a group of strangers who made the difference I'd been looking for, for so long.

There is no pain in this world that compares with hitting the absolute depths of depression. There is nothing like it. In your desperation to get out of it, are you willing to try an approach you've never tried before, are you willing to meet with people who you can relate to?

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Guest_7403,

The beginnings of relationships can be exciting. There is the excitement of meeting someone new, discovering things about the other person, desire building up etc

Once we sleep with a person there are a lot of things that suddenly are totally uncovered and this can arise a lot of mixed feelings in us: further excitement, anticipation, or disappointment, boredom, or reluctance, even fear to go any further. Depending on people and their circumstances.
Not sure if this would be useful to you but maybe try to think what goes through your mind and how do you feel up till the moment you sleep with a woman as well as after that. What is different once you sleep with a woman? What does this act change?

Take care.

[jtjt_4862]

Heya Guest_7403,

Sorry to hear that you're feeling that way about yourself. Just wanting to seek clarification and understanding, what is it that's making you feel that life is a joke, and that your existence is miserable? Other than the things that you've mentioned previously in this thread. Is there anything else that you'd like to share? Happy to listen to ya buddy.

Jt

[Guest_7403]

When your wife says her vows knowing you're unwell and promises to be there and support you through recovery....to leave within 2 years without saying a word about them not being happy.

To find out the last 4 months of a less than 2 yr marriage they were messaging another man constantly and left you in a day for them....to then withhold your daughter from you so that they can start with fresh.

I was just wiped from existence, like I was nothing....and that's how I feel now.

I've got no respect for wemon anymore, that's why I drop them like they're nothing....because that's what they'll do to me anyway.

Humans are disgustingly selfish animals. I look forward to the day I don't wake to this hell of a world.