The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Petal22]

Ohhh guest 7403, so sorry….. you are feeling this way…..

please know we are here to listen to you…..

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Do you find overwhelming intolerance to be one of the most enraging feelings? It's like, at times, you can just feel the intolerance rising to the point where, as you say, it's like a pressure cooker.

I find a lot of people are facing overwhelming intolerance for the 1st time, within the past couple of years. COVID lock down is bringing about this feeling that some people have never felt before. Because they've never felt it, they don't fully recognise what it is. Instead, they can be left asking 'What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling so sad and so angry all of a sudden? Why can't I stand this world? Why can't I stand myself?'

I regard myself as lucky, as I experience overwhelming intolerance in waves. It's in between the waves where I get the chance to make sense of what I'm trying to tolerate or shouldn't be tolerating. Sometimes I'm tolerating the same old things without realising, sometimes new things have arisen. During my years in depression, the intolerance was almost constant and, yes, like yourself I'd drink my way out of feeling it (the anger or sadness).

Wondering whether you can relate to one of the most intolerable things being a lack of self understanding. Personally, I can't tolerate not knowing how I tick, especially if what's making me tick at any given time is messing with me. I have to know, I give myself no choice. I've actually become a bit of an information junkie.

While I'm regarded as one of those woo woo gals (into a little of the spiritual or natural side of life), gaining an understanding of the less woo woo stuff has left me hopeful in regard to potential for change. From the study of neuroplasicity (the brain's ability to reform itself in various ways) to the study of epigenetics (which is revealing the incredible natural abilities held withing the double helix, waiting to be accessed or triggered, which some folk have mastered) to quantum physics (which explains how our cells vibrate at a subatomic level and what they need to vibrate better) there is so much to know beyond intolerance. With the saying 'Life doesn't come with an instruction manual', these fields of study are what is now creating the manual you could say. Each field of study actually touches on depression. Never in a million years would a therapist cover all this kind of stuff, the kind of stuff that becomes mind altering. It's the kind of stuff that puts us in the driver's seat.

Do you ever wonder how you work, beyond intolerance?

[Guest_7403]

Another day of misery done....when will it end. Just want peace

[Sophie_M]

Hey Guest_7403,

Thank you so much for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear how miserable you are feeling. We acknowledge how painful these emotions can be to manage. If you feel like giving a Support Service another try, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Our friendly counsellors can offer support, advice, and referrals. 

We've also sent a message privately to check in with you.  

[Petal22]

Keep up the fight Guest 7403

Don’t quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will

When the road your trudging seems all uphill

When the funds are low and the depts are high

And you want to smile but you have to sigh

When all is pressing down a bit - rest if you must, but don’t you quit

Success is failure turned inside out

The silver tint on clouds of doubt

And you can never tell how close you are

It may be near when it seems far

So stick to the fight when your hardest hit

It’s when things go wrong you must not quit!

💪🙏❤️

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

The brain can be such a cruel thing at times, how it leads us to experience life. When it's working beautifully, life it beautiful. When it's working in some hellish way, life definitely feels like hell.

I can't help but wonder what will lead your brain to perceive things differently through even the slightest difference. Having felt the impact of depression myself, I can't tolerate leaving someone to go on feeling the kind of hell they're in. The following may make no difference but I thought I'd put it out there just in case it does create just a hint of difference for you.

This is basically a bit of experimentation if you've got some time on your hands here and there. It's also something that can trigger a shift in focus to some degree, out of a hellish mind state, even if it's just for 5 minutes a day. 5 mins of not thinking can offer some relief.

People often talk about the major feelings in life but don't touch on a lot of the subtle ones. The subtle ones can be so minuscule to the point where you don't obviously pick them throughout life but, in fact, we've been living this way the whole of our life. It's about how we experience the differences

• Can you spot the difference between one food and another? Apart from an obvious differences, does one lead you to feel consciously different from the other?
• Can you spot the difference between one aftershave and another? Does one lead you to feel repulsed and the other leads you to feel more attractive?
• Can you spot the difference between one painting or picture and another or one plant or flower and another? Besides the obvious differences, do the subtle ones (such as the finer details) lead you to feel more connected to one than you do to the other?

I could go on with examples of feeling differences through the senses but I'll leave it at that. It's not so much about identifying exactly how you feel about one particular thing, it's more so about identifying how you feel differences, so everything doesn't feel the same. There's definitely a sense of numbness when everything feels the same.

Perfume/aftershave companies are intelligent, the way they create their recipes which conjure up chemical reactions in our brain. If they mix up what triggers a feeling or the kind of chemical combo in our brain known as 'joy', they know we'll buy it. It's a quirky form or aromatherapy in a way.

Do you believe you have the ability to sense subtle differences within yourself instead of big ones?

[Petal22]

Good afternoon Guest 7403,

How are you today? I came across this and thought I’d let you know about it in case your interested:

The wisdom of Trauma broadcast with talks on trauma starts July 28th ends August 1….

WISDOMTRAUMA.COM

I also came across the below:

Traumatic events by definition overwhelm our ability to cope. When the mind becomes flooded with emotion, a circuit breaker is thrown that allows us to survive the experience fully intact, that is without being psychotic or frying out one of the brain centres.

The cost of this blown circuit is emotion frozen within the body. In other words we often unconsciously stop feeling our trauma partway into it, like a movie that’s still going after the sound has turned off. We cannot heal until we move fully through that trauma, including all the feelings of the event.

Susan Pease Bannit, the trauma tool kit: Healing PTSD from the inside out..

Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however have to be a life sentence .

Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you’ve got.

There is HOPE for you Guest 7403….Your a survivor a warrior!

Please keep looking into avenues for your recovery! I know there is hope that you CAN recover !💪🙏

[Guest_7403]

And what does one do when they're so far gone they can't bring themselves to look at these links or suggestions let alone try and take it in and put it to practice

[Guest9337]

Evening G7403!

Sounds wearing mate. I'd have a rest about then. Just try to let all the stuff go and come back into a relaxing breathing sequence, all abdominally, in and out.

Then I'd see what happened inside my mind as my body relaxed. Was i thinking or feeling or reacting to...?

[Guest_7403]

What a joke life is. I don't want to be me anymore...what a miserable existence and human I am.