The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Guest9337]

Hello Guest_7403.

Half a head case only perhaps, we are all really who we are.

Too much alikeness can be boring, too much dislikeness means no connection. Optimality is better aim, neither too much nor too little, being able to shift as needed or chosen.

Chameleon and mimic is a very apt description. We needs to survive domination and thus reject self that is threatened for other that is not threatened.

Safety paramount to identity.

[Guest_7403]

Feel pretty numb tonight...no emotion for losing that chick.

Just back doing the usual thing....tinder...random chick's...same conversations.

Is this how life's meant to be? I don't think I'll ever move forward in a meaningful happy way.

I feel this anger inside...hatred towards my ex. I don't miss or want her...but hate her for robbing me of life.

Now I sit alone on my couch...with the cat she dumped too.

Maybe it is time for me to go down that dark path of never waking again. Because tbh it really doesn't seem that dark....looking forward and having to get up for another day seems just as dark.

Who knows...I don't really care anymore...life is meaningless.

My eldest dog is in her twilight years, she's been with me through all the hard times, she's the only thing I feel truly loved by....shes not well...and I see her aging more and more each day.

I think I hold on for her atm...when she goes I don't see a point in sticking around...I'll have lost everything then. Nothing else can be taken from me

[Croix]

Dear Borderline~

You don't hear all that much from me as I've already said all the things I dredge out of my life that could be helpful. Rest assured I read your posts and think on you and wish you more joy.

It's probably the wrong tack to take, perhaps becuse it focuses thoughts on the past, on the shortcomings of this life, and your self regard -or lack of it. Curious that - as you tend to be an 'authoritative' person in other ways and I suspect always were.

So how to change subjects?

I don't know if you ever listen to music? I've learned a lot about what is out there just from things mentioned in other's posts.

If you do could you make up a short playlist and I'll listen to them and probably look at the lyrics too.

I'll trade you, would you mind going first?

Yes, I know, a trivial way of looking at things -but so what?

Croix

[Sophie_M]

Hey Guest_7403,

Thanks for reaching out to the community and keeping us updated on how you've been going.We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling quite numb tonight, and feeling like you may be going down a dark path again. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, and many in our community understand feeling this way during difficult times during their lives too. We hope that you can find some comfort in feeling a little less alone through this, and we just wanted to let you know that we are also checking in with you privately via email.

We'd really urge you to reach out during overwhelming moments like these, from our Beyond Blue Support Service 1300 22 4636,  or also our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). These services are here for you as often as you need at anytime of the night or day to talk these thoughts and feelings through.

However, if you ever feel unable to keep safe, it's really important that you contact 000 or you can also go to the hospital if you feel safe enough to make the journey.

Please feel free to keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it, we are all here to help support you through this.

[therising]

Hi Guest_7403

Was saying to someone just today how cruel life can be regarding the idea that we start off with what I suppose is some true sense of self and continue on being our self up to the age of about 4 or so and then we have, beyond that, little recollection of those early years. In a way, we forget our self and then perhaps spend the rest of our life wondering who in hell we are and boy does it feel like hell at times.

We were never born constant people pleasers (we actually used to please our self at times), we had natural meltdowns/tantrums when there was obvious injustice, we questioned everyone and everything questionable, we found a lack of excitement intolerable and the list goes on. We're tamed, broken in, conditioned to be the chameleon, trained to tolerate the intolerable and then are left to wonder what's wrong with us. We're taught to suppress feelings, often through oppression of some nature, until we may very well lose our sense of feeling altogether or be left with nothing other than a combination of intense rage and deep sadness, perhaps wondering what it's all about.

The 'traditional' upbringing goes back so many generations, filtered down to our parents. Our parents convince us 'What was good for me (my upbringing) is good enough for you' but this insane mantra may be far from the truth. As the cycle of what's not good goes around and around until it comes to us, if we are sensitive enough we can feel all that's not good. If we're sensitive enough, we can sense there has to be something better than how we were raised or should that be brought down in certain ways.

If there is one thing crueler than conditioning a child to not feel or express their feelings it is the fact that this is expected of boys. As a mum, I cannot tolerate my kids being raised through such nonsensical ways, my son included.

I can relate to how intolerable, how angering and depressing, not being your self can become. It can become completely unbearable in the most torturous of ways. It can be mind altering and brutal. There is nothing wrong with anger and there is nothing wrong with grieving for a lost sense of self (feeling sorry/sorrow for our self). How we manage the anger and grief is the issue.

[Guest_7403]

I call it my mask....I put it on for work or social interactions.

Its exhausting pretending to be something you're not...and by the time I get to remove the mask I am either exhausted or ready to explode.

People at work know my issues, and they'll make comments about how happy or relaxed I am.....they simply cannot see or feel the pain and rage that's tearing me to pieces.

Its no wonder that when I get home I drink myself into oblivion. It's typically at this time I end it with whoever I'm seeing....as I can't keep up the appearance of being happy and normal....so I get rid of them so I can rest.

After I end it....I feel relief....I am almost happy for a brief period until I realise I am alone again

[Petal22]

Hi Guest 7403,

Im sorry for everything that’s happened in your life……..

When I was on my mental health journey I learned to forgive myself and others……. It really helps to do this…… it will free you…….. it will also allow you to more forward in life…… forgiveness doesn’t have to for the person you are forgiving but for you…… because YOU deserve peace…

It’s not a easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people.

but it is such a powerful place, because it frees you…

” To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you”

maybe you could find this in yourself…. Forgiveness……

believe me when I say it is freeing….. it really is….. 😊

[Guest_7403]

That pressure cooker I have inside me is rising.

Tonight I feel like lashing out in rage....I truly hate myself and the world I live in.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_7403,

We're so sorry to hear that you truly hate yourself and the world you live in, right now. We understand this must be so overwhelming for you right now. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you feel up to it, we'd encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Where one of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We're all here for you, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready. 

[Guest9337]

calming welcomes Guest_7403.

What things do you hate the most about the world we live in?

I hate people who purposefully, willfully and severely harm children.