struggling with past domestic abuse

danger_mouse · ‎06-04-2015

I'm not sure where to start, just that I'd like to start a conversation about domestic violence, surviving and thinking you've moved on, but 6 years later realising it's affected you more than you thought. No one is abusing me now, but my mindset is still that of a victim and ive only just consciously realised this is happening and might be the stumbling block to making further progress with my anxiety and depression

white knight · ‎06-04-2015

Hi DM,

I just thought I'd chip in on this topic for good reason. My first wife abused me from the night of our marriage to 11 years later when I left her. A week before our separaton I had planned my life's end. I had two small children and leaving them overwhelmed me....then I thought of them and a part time dad is better than no dad at all.

The abuse was simple. Silence. For some silence isnt a big deal. For me it was twisting my mind. This silence would last up to 6 weeks at a time...until she believed my punishment had been dished out enough.

I wont go on about the details. Just that this 120 kgms strong guy could be hurt so much by a 60 kgms woman. And by the way....I've never laid a hand on a woman.

Tony WK

geoff · ‎07-04-2015

dear DM, welcome on board and for posting this comment, because so many times it's another hidden trauma, agenda or cruel task that happens so often.

I was the same as Tony as my then wife punished me for whatever by being silent and blaming me for everything, and although I still see her these days, it hasn't stopped, because she always criticises me for most things in our marriage.

So the question is why do I still talk to her and see her, well I still love her, as she does for me, and we have 2 little grand daughters, and because I have to travel a couple of hours to see them, she wants to come when I'm there, so I have no hassle with that, and if she starts I tell her to zip it.

We still get on pretty well, but I too never ever hit any female, but DM we would like for you to continue the concussion, as it must have been very traumatic for you some years ago, but this feeling of yours could still happen these days, so we maybe able to help you. Geoff.

Neil_1 · ‎07-04-2015

Hi there DM

I am fortunate enough not to fit into any of these categories, but for anyone who has had to endure such things, the surviving of it and the moving on would be tremendously difficult task.

Physical abuse is unforgiveable.

Verbal abuse is just as bad.

But if you’ve had to live with something for such a long time, then that is then ingrained into your psyche and as you’ve mentioned, the mindset is still a victim of it.

As for making further progress with your anxiety and depression, I can’t quite remember your situation as to what mechanisms you’ve got in place to help you (mechanisms = types of support and assistance). But I would think that trying to deal with what happened in the past is something that perhaps might be a good thing and as such, I’m wondering if you’ve taken on with receiving any counselling to try and help you work through this. I guess then it can get down to the individual as to how this counselling can turn out – whether it be a positive thing and effective to try and help you deal with what happened? Or it may not turn out to be as useful as one may have thought, BUT if that is the case, then at least you gave it a go.

I do hope I’ve been able to mention something a bit useful for you.

Kind regards

Neil

Lavender3 · ‎02-05-2015

Hey !!! I feel the same way as you feel with DV.I was married for 24 years to a controlling man and it has been 2 and a half years since I left him. I feel like I'm still going through trauma and I do suffer with anxiety. I still feel like I'm living in silence about my separation to this man. It can get hard at times to move on. When I left him I only took my clothes and my belongings to which I had to start my life again and housing was my number one issue at the time of separation. I did seek support through some members of my family to which helped me out mentally. And I did go through the right channels of DV to get support. I found that talking about my pain helped me cope. I understand how you feel about dealing with DV and the post traumatic stress that comes with it and to cope with it can be hard at times. Why do men think they have done nothing wrong when it comes to DV !!! It can be hard when you have kids involved.

TTSP · ‎02-05-2016

Hi danger.mouse.

I can relate. It's hard, especially when you deal with it on your own without seeking professional help. That's what I did the first time after being physically and sexually abused by my ex-fiancé. That was about 20 years ago and I believed I had a handle on much of it.

However I am currently going through something much worse. I married someone who turned out to be a Narcissist. He used the abuse from 20 years ago against me. This is far worse than anything I have ever dealt with.

I am not sure if anything helps with this type of trauma, but my only suggestion is to seek professional help if you are not. I haven't as yet, but I know that I really need to.

You aren't alone and my thoughts are with you xx

pipsy · ‎02-05-2016

Hi danger.mouse. Any sort of abuse, be it verbal, physical, over a period of time tends to strip us of our self confidence. Trying to rebuild our life after the abuse has stopped, either from us leaving the abuser, or them leaving us is hard too because in our minds we hear the same mocking deriding insults we lived with. I was raised with a mentally abusing alcoholic father, workaholic narc mother and sexually abusive brother. My father would take great delight in telling us (brother and me) that we were useless, had no right to any comments because we didn't know what we were talking about. His favourite line was: you're only juveniles. it might sound funny, but try living with it day and night. When he made those comments, he was sober. Drunk, meant stupid nonsense. Mum would laugh and egg him on. My brother would seize those moments to follow me and more abuse. It's only now, I'm 65, I don't hear my parents or fear my brother. I decided at the age of 19, I wasn't going to succumb anymore to the insults, derivation anymore. I had no counselling (it wasn't available), I simply walked away from 'family' and determined to 'grow'. I now have two grown-up children and through them, I learnt how to be a good parent. My daughter and son both tell me they find it hard to believe the incredible strength it took to make sure I did not sink down to the depths where I had been raised. My parents have long since passed, and I forgave them, but never forgot. I don't blame them for not knowing any better. I'm grateful that through them, I know better. When counselling isn't available, as it wasn't then, I simply decided that my kids deserved better. I didn't ask to be born. Even when dealing with a narc, once you have the emotional strength to walk away, you become determined not to follow their examples. I'm not perfect, I don't believe there is such a thing. I just believe that through bad, you learn good. Some people follow bad, because they believe it's easier, fine, they soon find out otherwise.

Lynda.