New to BB because I am sinking (distressing content warning)

[TTSP]

Hello, I've just joined BB today.My 'name' for forums I chose because it's something I've told myself for a very long time - This Too Shall Pass.I'm 45 years old and am 17mths out from my 2nd abusive relationship.I have children and their welfare is my focus, however the more time passes, the more I am struggling. They say time heals all wounds, but clearly not so.I am not someone who trusts easily or admits they aren't coping, but I'm reaching out because I can't shake this sinking feeling.

[pipsy]

Hi TTSP. Welcome here. The fact that you were able to escape your abusive relationship speaks volumes. While the saying 'time heals' is true, how long it takes depends on each person and the coping skills. I suppose each time you try to do something, all you can hear is the derision coming from your ex partner. Abusive partners use control to make sure you don't forget easily that they're IN CONTROL. There is no easy way to combat this, but what I suggest you try is: everytime you do something you know he would disapprove, chalk up one point to you. Spend time with your kids, if you know he would disapprove chalk it up to you. It's possible you're struggling because if he controlled the finances, the guilt you experience when you buy something you hear him 'telling you off'. You've only been without him 17 months, it will take time, how much is really your call. Each morning when you wake is another day when you get to take back more control. I would also suggest you try to see a counsellor who will also help you with coping skills. Have you seen a Dr for some mild AD's to help you relax. A Dr might be able to refer you to a counsellor/psych.

Lynda.

[Guest_1055]

Hi,

I too wanted to say hello. I like you choosen name of "This Too Shall Pass". I am guessing you are referring to the sinking feeling that you are experiencing at the moment. I am not sure I can fully relate to the sinking feeling, but maybe it is a bit like you have an expectation or a dream of how you want your married life to be. And now that it is not like that, you sort of feel let down or you dream didn't come true or something. Is that the way you are feeling? I don't have any advice, but I can offer to send out a hug to you.

Hope you rise up soon.

Much kindness to you

Shell xx

[TTSP]

Thank you pipsy.

I am still trying to convince myself of seeking counselling. I think I need to. I live in a small town and I am worried that my narc will try to use it against me by trying to prove I have mental issues to try and take the children from me. I am also avoiding as much as I can in town at the moment. He knows many people and has people telling him when and what I do.

I appreciate your suggestions and it confirms I should make myself seek help.

[TTSP]

Thank you Shelly anne.

The sinking feeling is that I feel like I am sinking in quicksand. I feel like everything - day to day life, my emotions, and my thoughts - are getting too much and it's all moving up around me.

I have felt this way before. 20 odd years ago, after breaking up with my fiancé a few weeks before, he broke into my house, tied me up and raped me. I did not press charges or seek counselling. It was this same sinking feeling and back then I turned to alcohol to make me feel better.

My recently ended marriage involved narcissistic emotional abuse. The final two years it turned into verbal, then lastly both sexual and physical abuse. My narc used the same method (rope) that my ex fiancé did to try and control me.

When he was removed from the home, I was relieved and felt I was free. However as time goes on, I am feeling the effects compounding and I can recognize this slowly sinking feeling again.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I don't know how to explain it. I know I need to get some counselling, but I am fearful of my narc ex using it against me.

Thank you for your support and kindness.

[Guest_1055]

Dear precious one.

After reading your last post, tears just rolled down my face. But I am OK. I am so very very sorry that all happened to you. I long to take away any hurt and pain that you feel. And also wrap my arms around you, but only if you would feel comfortable with that.

And yes all that has happened does sound very heavy, far too much for one soul to carry. I can see now, why you feel like you are sinking.

Were the police involved or anything?

Do you feel any better just writing it all out here. Just letting it all out. Sometimes that does help, rather than keeping it locked up inside of you.

Also did you notice the Beyond Blue 24hour number? The people might be able to suggest some counselors or others to help you in your area.

Anyway you did real good reaching out.

Much love to you now

Shell xx

[pipsy]

Hi TTSP. You do have some real concerns in regards to the lengths your hubby will go to. Do you have a regular Dr? I would suggest you download everything you can about narc's and their behaviour and take this to your Dr. It's extremely possible your Dr has some general knowledge regarding narc's, but because each narc behaves slightly differently (depending on who they're with). If your Dr knows about your particular situation, he will be able to assist you better. With your Dr's knowledge of your circumstances, he can also advice the counsellor exactly what you're facing. Your hubby will need strong evidence to take the kids and once his behavioural patterns are brought to light, this could go against him more. Narc's are extremely good at twisting everything, if your Dr is aware of this, he will be able to advice the counsellor. Counsellors are used to dealing with narc's so I wouldn't worry too much.

Lynda.

[TTSP]

I am sorry Shelley, I didn't mean to upset anyone with my story. Thank you for your support, you are very kind.

Yes the police were involved. The police wanted me to press charges, but at the time I didn't want to do that to my childrens' father. In hindsight I know that I should have. The police suggested a VRO and that's what I did. He disputed it and I had to go to court and prove what he had done, which I did successfully.

Yes it does help to let it out to people who understand. I have told my closest friends and although they try to be supportive, I know they don't know how to and can never truly understand.

[TTSP]

Thanks for the advise Lynda. My children are my everything and they are now the ones who have to endure his craziness.

I dont have a regular Dr, but I should be able to get a referral. I agree that whoever I talk with needs to have knowledge about narcissists. I think I could come across like a lunatic with all the manipulative things he has done. I will do some research and find a psychologist or counsellor with experience in victims of narcissistic abuse. That way I could ask to be referred by the Dr.

I'm thankful to have spoken with you, as you seem to know about narcissists and it helps immensely talking for the first time with someone who understands. Thank you so much Lynda.