Struggling with guilt for being on DSP and being triggered by comments

[Lezza]

I have ASD, ADHD and CPTSD (from childhood) and recently got approved for the DSP. I should have been happy but my housemate made a comment under her breath and then complained about dishes.

She's complained to her coworkers (I found out through someone else) saying that she thinks I'm capable of work. It sent me over the edge and I relapsed with self harm after 2 years without doing it. I struggle with feeling safe at home in general due to my upbringing and I'm at the end of my rope. I can't find any housing as I'm on Centrelink and rentals reject me as there's a big line of people waiting and workers and families are priorities and I can't afford a caravan. Been on the cat 1 housing waiting list for 2 years.

Anyways I feel guilty because I can't work my regular job. Only volunteer work and my housemate and other people believe I'm capable of regular work because the volunteering I do is for emergency services, both fire and ambulance. (Fire gets quiet in winter).

The thing is for some reason emergency services is the only work I've not dreaded, I love it. It's the only place that's ever made me feel like I have any value and when I'm on a job it's the only place I feel like I'm in the moment, like my heads calm for once and I can work but I still struggle with some stuff due to trauma. It's helped me with self confidence and building  skills. Sometimes even when I'm neglecting everything else and unable to get out of bed it's the only thing I can bring myself to do

The thing is tho I still feel guilty and like I'm nothing but a dole bludger who should be able to handle regular work. I've tried paid work again and again over the years and it's always ended up with me hospitalized or frustrated. Because of my housemates comments too I don't want to be in the house at all.

I had a breakdown today at the possibility of having to move town to get housing. If I move town though I'll have to move or drop my volunteer work and my only supports are here and I might have to rehome my lizard.

I don't want to rehome a pet due to my living circumstances again. It's killing me, all I've ever wanted is stability and I would love to work a regular job and be normal.  I'm not sure what to do anymore. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough and that I'm never enough.

I've thought about paid work in emergency services but it would be a long time to be well enough to do it full time and even then there's the possibility I'm too mentally ill to do it full time.

[Croix]

Dear Lezza~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum, it is a place where others who have had similar problems have come too.

Reading all you have written I guess two things, the first is that all your current troubles come from thoughtless and uncaring remarks from your housemate and her colleges. There is no way that person can judge what you are going though and simply makes superficial and hurtful remarks.

It is a reflection on her, not you.

If you lived in a supportive household where there was empathy and understanding other problems would be so much less.

I know it might be difficult but could you explain to your housemate the effect those remarks are having on you? As the person on the spot you would be in the best positron to judge if having a talk would do any good.

Also can I ask if you have anyone to support you, a friend perhaps you can talk with?

To be on a DSP is a good thing, it means your issues have been recognized as valid and helps financially.  There is no shame in that. I think you are doing a great thing - despite all that is wrong - you volunteer in important organizations. This helps the community and certainly helps you too, giving you occupation, dignity and knowing you are valuable.

I am in the same boat, on a pension, and volunteer. I too have tried to engage in paid work and ended up suicidal each time. My limit is volunteering, something I've come to accept over the years. You are not alone.

I"m glad it is something that gets you out of bed.

I hope you are able to get clinical support for your mental health issues, and that the clinicians are freindly, understanding and competent.

Having a lizard is an unusual pet - how did that happen? We had a blue-tongue in the garden for a long time then it wandered elsewhere.

I hope we can talk some more -you are not alone

Croix

[Lezza]

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it. I will probably talk to her about a couple of things but I need to be careful. My trauma is pretty deep so I struggle with advocating for myself and am in pretty deep burn out. Due to my upbringing I'm absolutely terrified of advocating for myself in my own household, it's something that needs working on.

She's aware her remarks at least hurt me because she stated as such behind my back at her place of employment. She's not acknowledged it to me at all or anything. She's asked me whether I'm ok a couple of times and I've lied and said yes as I just don't feel comfortable sharing even the bare minimum with her anymore.

I have a couple of mates and stuff I talk to but I feel like a broken record. The housing crisis is probably the biggest driving factor behind my current crisis, needing a stable base to start building back up. Unfortunately I doubt anything is going to happen on that front so I guess I mostly need to find a way to change my mindset but it just feels difficult when I'm in constant fight or flight (and exhausted).

As for the lizard I'm one of those weirdos who loves reptiles and invertebrates. Had a few tarantulas over the years! At the moment it's just my beardie, he's pretty cool. I bought him from a pet shop, he's a leatherback morph. 

When I was a child I used to catch wild beardies and take them home as pets, wildly unethical but as a child didn't consider the implications. Fortunately with wild lizards these days my interactions extend to rescuing them when I can. I sometimes still catch wild ones, just to give them a pat and send them on their way.

Where abouts do you volunteer if you don't mind me asking?

[Croix]

Dear Lezza

If your housemate already realises her actions were hurtful then maybe you do not have to say anything. I'm glad she did ask how you were, it shows some concern for you. Though if asked how you are you may end up in the same trap as me, using a mask all the time.

This is indeed at the start an easy way to sidestep awkward questions however I found both that it was more isolating, making a growing gap between me and others, and at the same time convincing  me I was something that needed to be hidden.

Perhaps a more honest answer, without going too deep, might be more productive, and give your housemate a greater understanding of what you are going through.

With your friends yes you can sound like a broken record, I have at times, however if you can try, no matter how upset or down you feel, to make your company amusing and interesting it will help.  You can even take pride in it.

As for pets, we have had ferrets, who loved playing in supermarket bags, wallabies who liked cold  coffee and cigarette ssh, and of course dogs and cats, Currently Foxy Dog and Sumo Cat.

If you want to know how Sumo Cat got his name you will find it half way down the page here:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here/td-p/265309/page/2

This is the Store Your Happy Memories thread, if you have a happy memory to store please write it down there for you and others to enjoy -it need not be long or literary - have a read.

As for my volunteering, I do a do a fair few things and of course post here every day too.

Croix

[David35]

Guilt is an emotion we develop by other people, often unfairly, judging us. Volunteer work is still work. It still adds value to society. It's just that as a society we don't value volunteers enough by govts to pay for them. If trees weren't cut down after a storm, these workers wouldn't be able to get to work. We all contribute to society in different ways and don't let someone else's ignorance influence what you enjoy doing.

I'm on a DSP from a head I jury, which resulted in a brain injury. I volunteered at men's sheds, op shops. I tried starting up my own woodworking business but couldn't ever make any money from it. Now I treat it as a hobby. If I sell it great. If I dont, I donate it to local op shops. People still value my contribution because they're gone within days. The fact I don't get paid dents my ego a bit...but so what.

I'm sure in a similar vein you're doing the best you can. Dealing with ignorance is part of the deal when you've had mental illness. Just keep listening to yourself, not others.