Feeling Stuck

[Debbie Downer]

Hello, 

Needing more advice and hope from the wonderful people on here as I've got none and can't think of anything else to do. 

I'm at a point in my recovery where I feel stuck, my issue is that I dream too big and have self acceptance problems. I have CPTSD, Depression, Anxiety  a chronic pain disorder and recently been diagnosed with ADHD. 

I feel like I have tried everything to get better and it's getting worse and I am more nihilistic, everything I try feels like a failure as I'm not ~better~. I cannot accept myself and that recovery is a journey which isn't cured therefore I cannot get confident because I must be perfect to equal greatness which stops me from trying to pursue further education or passions. It feels like a self fullfilling proficy.

I can't stop dreaming big, this leads to heartache when I realise all the work it will take to get there, which is hard to believe will ever happen because it's been 15 years of healing and I'm still falling apart at work when criticised or feeling judged or triggered by a client (I work in mental health)  spiralling into a tunnel of worthlessness and defeat. I want to give up DSP which I know is impossible to get for start but then if approved I'm screwed financially and have to give up up my rental and change the remaining things that spark any joy (hobbies that cost money). 

[Annas1]

Hi DD,

it's a great idea to seek ideas and support from the forums, there's lots of experience and strategies to glean from and lots of compassion.

It sounds like you've been working really hard on both looking after yourself and developing goals that have meaning for you. I feel similarly, and, like you, encounter regular setbacks, disillusionment and sometimes even despair. In some ways I think the journey metaphor is richer than I first thought - journies take place over long periods of time, they traverse ups/downs, require energy, persistence, and renewal and change us along the way. We definitely gain perspective and experience as a result, but also an accumulation of hurts, frights and frustrations that can't be airbrushed if we want to draw out the wisdom of journey. Two sides of the same coin.

Recognising your sensitivity to criticism/imperfection is a good insight. I know this habit of mind/reaction very well! I'm learning to live with these experiences and one day it might actually feel a little freer to not need to be beyond reproach and universally liked. (Thank goodness we get opportunities to practice!)

Another thought - perhaps you could dream adequately (neither big nor miserably)? Reflect more on what you find meaningful and doable and see what emerges. We don't have to be great to be good, worthy and valuable. We just have to be ourselves.

Go well