sexual assault/rape survivor PTSD & anxiety i am seeking support

[Spencerr]

21 years old & terified about what the future holds for me.

In 2012 on the 6th of July I was walking down my street around 7:30am. I could sense I was being followed but could not see anyone. I was punched twice in the back of the head, as i fell forward someone caught me from behind with their large hand covering my mouth. (I will not go into detail as to what then occurred but i was sexually assaulted) 

Police were called which i almost feel made it even more traumatic as i was in shock and being asked to provide very intimate details. 

For the next year i experienced flashbacks, severe depression, severe anxiety and bad dreams. I kept this my secret as i could not burden my family with something i still didnt understand. My partner was my main support. I eventually exploded and decided to see a psychologist. I remeber feeling soo ill, my partner drove me and came to the initial appt. Every appointment was exhausting, an emotional battle. I would debate whether going would help or make the pain worse. I figured i had suffered enough and accepted that it was goung to be an emotional  rollercoaster and that i needed help. After several sessions the flashbacks and bad dreams were getting worse. My bad dreams of that day were being incorporated into another dream. I kept having this same dream for a couple of weeks. I told my psychologist that it was all getting too much but she encouraged me to keep up appointments as i had come so far. In December 2012 i went to work just like any other day and experienced such an intense flashback my body went into shock and i collapsed. I struggled to comprehend what day, year or where i was. My boss assured me i was in a safe place and sat wiith me until it was over. My flashback was not from my assault in July but was from when i was 17 still in high school.  I explained this to my psychologist as i was so confused and scared at the fact that how can something like this happen and i have no recollection of it?! She explained that the mind tends to block things out when it goes into shock and can not process a traumatic event. I had one more appointment with her after that and then never saw her again. I was not ready to go on another emotional rollercoaster. I am still suffering, i feel dirty all the time, i have trouble being intimate, i fear what the future holds, fear of men and crowded places.

I just need to know that i am not alone.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Cookstar. Its nice to hear back from you.

I agree with you, it is fascinating how the mind works. Its just a pity we havent learned yet how to control it a little better than we do. It is still one of life's mysteries to a large extent.

I too have used writing as a therapy tool. I have written screeds over the past year since my therapy started. I do find that it helps to get things straight in my own mind, and also acts as an outlet of my pent up feelings, frustrations, anger, etc. And because I had never spoken about my trauma to anybody before, it was a release for me. It was definitely hard to start with because every time the traumatic stuff or certain triggering words came up, I would just lose it. But it does get much easier in time, and after much repetition. Thats what Exposure Therapy is all about - repetition over and over, until eventually you become somewhat desensitized to the memories.

It sounds as though you are getting good advise from a dedicated team of professionals, so I'm sure you will get through this in time. I also know it is far from easy, and my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Wishing you the very best.

Sherie xx