sexual assault/rape survivor PTSD & anxiety i am seeking support

[Spencerr]

21 years old & terified about what the future holds for me.

In 2012 on the 6th of July I was walking down my street around 7:30am. I could sense I was being followed but could not see anyone. I was punched twice in the back of the head, as i fell forward someone caught me from behind with their large hand covering my mouth. (I will not go into detail as to what then occurred but i was sexually assaulted) 

Police were called which i almost feel made it even more traumatic as i was in shock and being asked to provide very intimate details. 

For the next year i experienced flashbacks, severe depression, severe anxiety and bad dreams. I kept this my secret as i could not burden my family with something i still didnt understand. My partner was my main support. I eventually exploded and decided to see a psychologist. I remeber feeling soo ill, my partner drove me and came to the initial appt. Every appointment was exhausting, an emotional battle. I would debate whether going would help or make the pain worse. I figured i had suffered enough and accepted that it was goung to be an emotional  rollercoaster and that i needed help. After several sessions the flashbacks and bad dreams were getting worse. My bad dreams of that day were being incorporated into another dream. I kept having this same dream for a couple of weeks. I told my psychologist that it was all getting too much but she encouraged me to keep up appointments as i had come so far. In December 2012 i went to work just like any other day and experienced such an intense flashback my body went into shock and i collapsed. I struggled to comprehend what day, year or where i was. My boss assured me i was in a safe place and sat wiith me until it was over. My flashback was not from my assault in July but was from when i was 17 still in high school.  I explained this to my psychologist as i was so confused and scared at the fact that how can something like this happen and i have no recollection of it?! She explained that the mind tends to block things out when it goes into shock and can not process a traumatic event. I had one more appointment with her after that and then never saw her again. I was not ready to go on another emotional rollercoaster. I am still suffering, i feel dirty all the time, i have trouble being intimate, i fear what the future holds, fear of men and crowded places.

I just need to know that i am not alone.

[Mares73]

Dear Zephyr

im sorry this response is late. I feel for you very much & can relate to your fears & ongoing reactions. I was abused by my father, then a priest & lastly a stranger 6 yrs ago. I totally understand the constant vigilance & fear that overcomes us due to abuse. It's a very hard thing to live with & ive noticed my anxiety & alertness has been far worse since the abuse.

Do you see a therapist now? And are you on antidepressants? They can be helpful especially if the therapist works in the area of abuse. Also do you have any supportive family or friends? Or have you being going through this all alone? Sorry for the questions-just thought those things were worth mentioning.

I understand your anxiety & ongoing fear. I think we live with the scar forever but with help & time the scar fades. Do you think the effect on your life has less ended or do you still feel like the abuse happened yesterday.

The rape crisis centre is very good & offers free counselling. Perhaps give them a call? And if your ever alone feeling really low, please call the Beyond Blue 24hr hotline. They have counsellors who listen & provide brilliant support.

How much time this weekend did you have intrusive memories? That will give you & us an idea of how much the impact of the abuse is having on your weekends. And I know you mentioned it's impacting your work.

Hope to hear back from you

Mares xxx

[Guest_5218]

Morning Zeph, and thankyou for your lovely reply this morning. Oddly enough it made me feel a little better after what has been a pretty difficult weekend. I thought this was meant to be your thread, aimed at supporting you, not me. But I guess thats how this Forum often works. I know there are a lot of people here who feel so much better because they know they are helping and supporting others. I know one of the suggestions in the instructions for the forum is to "give support to receive support", and that is very true.

Good on you for focusing on the positives, and if you think hard enough there are always some positives. The bingo card game and the triggers - fantastic! Sometimes we just have to trick our minds a little. We have to remember that trauma actually changes the structure and function of our brain, so we have to try to learn ways to short circuit those scars.

Yes, totally agree, breathing is a biggie - for something that is so natural and necessary for survival, I dont know how I get it so wrong sometimes. My psych has contacted me a couple of times over the weekend to check on me, and she keeps reminding me to slow down the breathing. To do the relaxation breathing exercises, take things easy, spoil myself, watch a movie, etc. Normally I find exercise also helps, but for some reason she didnt want me to do anything this weekend.

Ha ha, I also have been focusing on trying to read todays newspaper and sipping a cup of tea without spilling it. At night there is the constant need to stay alert and vigilant. But I dont get that as much during the day thankfully. Have you practiced mindfulness at all? It sounds like you may be using mindfulness techniques. My psych lent me a book on mindfulness, which I've read, but I'm afraid I cant seem to get the hang of it.

I'm glad you seem to be coping a lot better now Zephyr. You are to be commended for your great resolve. And yes, I would definitely love to continue to correspond with you - to compare notes, offer support and test ideas with. If you have been reading my "Coping with the anniversary of a traumatic event" thread, you will have seen my post about how the EMDR therapy went on Friday? I note that you have only posted to this thread so far, but please feel free to post a comment on any thread that you have an interest in. It makes them easier to follow if you do, as they appear in your "My Threads" tab.

You too have a good day, and kind thoughts to you.

Sherie xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Zephyr, I have just been thinking of you, and wondering how you are getting along today.

Are you back at work this week? I think it was last Wed or Thurs when you first posted that you had in your words "cracked at work and left early". Given that it is a new job I know it must be really difficult for you right now. You did say that your boss has been 'amazing' and I hope that you still have his support.

I know you've recently been put on AD's - how is that working out for you so far? Have you noticed any effects yet, hopefully good ones? ( - :

I also note that you have previously had some CBT with limited benefit. You mention that you will be seeing a psychologist again soon for further therapy. I hope that during these sessions you will be able to work out some strategies that will allow you to lessen the fear, that "I'm not safe" feeling. This will allow you to once again find the confidence to become your normal sociable self and to get out and make new friends. I'm quite the opposite to you in that I am naturally introverted and generally very happy on my own. However when my anxiety gets really bad and I start having flashbacks, nightmares, etc I'm afraid to be alone. I really resent this because it makes me feel unsafe in circumstances where I used to be most happy. And it forces me into situations where I am not comfortable, just in order to feel safe.

I hope your psych appointment is soon and that it goes well for you. Is it with the same psych that you saw last year for your CBT, or are you going to have to go through everything all over again with a new one?

It must be really difficult for you trying to forge a new career and make new friends, whilst being held back with your severe anxiety. I hope you will receive therapy that will soon enable you to start establishing a successful career and a life that you can enjoy to its fullest. Just as you deserve.

You are obviously a very strong and resilient woman, even if you may not always feel that way. I have confidence that you will rebound. And although anxiety is likely something you will need to manage for the rest of your life, you will establish tried and proven methods to allow you to cope during the times that it raises its ugly head.

Please take care, and I'd love to hear back from you.

Sherie xx

[Zephyr7]

Hi Mares,

Great question, I haven't had flashbacks and the feeling of deep unsafety for 2-3 years prior to last week's major anxiety panic attack. That is what made it so scary, because I thought the impact of the assault had receded with time. That said, I've partly kept the anxiety inducing effects of it to myself over the years, and partly opened up to specialist counsellors and family about the initial situation and my feelings about it. Down the track (as it was 6 years ago), I've discovered assault impacts different aspects of your life and ability to generate self care in varying ways. For me, the biggest long term issue has been rebuilding my natural inclination of basic trust in strangers so that I can make friends like I would have done prior to the assault. I'm finding being willing to talk about issues like that has taken the secrecy out of it. Keeping quiet about anxiety and trust issues, problems with showing vulnerability and relaxing into true intimacy is really pressuresome for me so I've noticed my anxiety drops when I allow myself to just talk about how I am feeling and use mindfulness techniques to increase a feeling of calm centredness before going to social functions. I guess I'm still learning exactly how my body and spirit need me to be kind to them and my chiropractor said that continuing my yoga practice is really important to building inner strength and the capacity to move through and beyond the experiences coming with assault so that I can go into new things. That advice has been really helpful.

[Zephyr7]

Hi Sherie,

Two messages from you! I feel spoiled! 🙂 im wondering if you might try a simple technique for centering? My chiropractor suggested putting the tip of my tongue up into the roof of my mouth and holding it there for 20 secs. He said that simply flipping the tongue up to the palate centers your mind and body together. It does this because the top of your palate centers your brain, mind, spine and body into the one alignment. If you sit askew on the couch normally and try this, he said you'll automatically notice where you're uncomfortable or out of alignment and then adjust your sitting position. I've tried it and its uncanny! Maybe give it a go?

[Spencerr]

Hi everyone!

My life has completely turned around, exposure therapy was only making things worse for me.

I chose to see a different psychologist who someone close tome recommended as they have been through something similar and found this psych extremely helpful. I have only had a couple of sessions, i had a panic attack at my first one as I was so overwhelmed and scared. They tried something called EMDR and I instantly felt calmer and safe. I am not entirely sure how it works but I must admit I did have my doubts but it has honestly worked wonders. I have not had any flashbacks if I see someone who looks like a perpetrator I am calm and not panicky.

I am so grateful and overwhelmed by all the responses to my original post. Thank you all soo much for your kind words and support. I know EMDR can sometimes only be temporary so for now I am enjoying my life as much as I can. I still feel a bit OCD and dirty but that is something I can live with and deal with myself.

i am so. Grateful for this forun

ZEPHYR- i hope you are okay andd that things are looking better for you now 🙂

[Guest_5218]

Hi Spencerr,

Thanks so much for getting back to us with your update. And I'm thrilled for you that you have had such promising progress through the EMDR work that you've had.

I am currently undergoing the same treatment myself, and after 2 sessions (2 hours each time, very long and arduous) over the past 2 weeks, I can see some improvement also. So I am hopeful. I have another appointment coming up soon.

Have you only had to two sessions? Are you planning to have further EMDR sessions, or are you finished for now? What do they recommend for future? EMDR is the preferred treatment option for PTSD in America, and yet here in Australia you cant even claim it on Medicare through a MHCP. It seems wrong doesnt it?

If you're interested, I have posted about my own EMDR treatment in response to someone elses enquiry on the benefits of EMDR treatment, on following thread. You will find it under the TREATMENTS area of the Forums, and the thread is called EMDR for Intrusive Thoughts. You may be interested in reading it, and please consider adding further information from your own experience that could be useful for others reading the thread.

I'm so very pleased that you are once again in a safe place where you feel able to enjoy life again. Regarding the ongoing OCD and feeling 'dirty', perhaps you could consider some CBT therapy which would probably benefit you.

Thanks again Spencerr.

Kind regards and wishing you the very best.

Sherie xx

[Cookstar]

Hi to everyone on this forum. I am so greatful to have found this forum as for 12months now I have been struggling with the realisation that I was sexually abused as a child. What was named 'our secret little game' I have come to understand now at the age of 32 was not a game at all. Like others have discussed I am struggling with flashbacks, panick attacks, anxiety, depression and other chronic medical conditions (including a bladder that no longer works) as a result. I also fear any intamcy, struggle to trust and question where my life will go as I had always seen myself as a family person however have never been in a relationship. I never could put reason as to why but now I know.

Zephry7 I understand your job concerns as this is impacting on my work to. I am a high school teacher and over the past year have had to walk out of classes having a panick attack. It took a lot of guts however I eventually opened up to my principal as he could not understand why the change in me and was starting to question my abilities. Luckily for me he is very supportive and straight away together we put a plan together so if I am in that situation I start to feel unsafe and going into a panic attack or anxiety is rising I can remove myself from the classroom and have someone cover my classes.

I have started to seek expert help however as others have mentioned it currently feels like things getting worse as I relive and learn more about what actually happened to me. At times the tasks I am given as part of my therapy can cause me to either go into a state of panic or become deeply depressed and can't get out of bed for fear. The flashbacks are increasing, having more nightmares and overall just constantly feel like am on the edge. I also fear the future and where it will end up as I have not spoken to this person since the realisation 1 year ago.

I am very interested in EMDR if anyone able to provide more information on it.

Any feedback from anyone on ways they deal with these issues is greatly appreciated. Is great to know am not out there alone. The professionals tell me this however they have not experienced it so hearing from people that have makes it easier to understand.

So glad to have found this forum and realise I am not alone in this daily battle. I am also so sorry to hear of everyone's stories and what you have been through and currently going through. We need to remember if we stay strong and win, these battles will make us stronger in the long run.

[Guest_5218]

Good morning Cookstar, and a very big welcome to you.

I'm really sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through. I do understand, having gone through most of this myself, and indeed still going through them. I dont believe we ever fully recover from the damage done by these awful things that happen to us. But we can become better equipped to deal with the more difficult times, and learn techniques which help us get through them.

These Forums are a great place where you can receive support and understanding from others who are going through the same things you are. Everyone here is non-judgemental and supportive in every way they can be.

I'm glad that you have sought professional help, and I'm really pleased that you are receiving proper support at your work, with suitable plans in place when needed.

Just be aware that any therapy you go through (CBT, Exposure Therapy, EMDR) will make you feel much worse, before you start to see any improvement. They all dig up the past horrors, so all your past traumatic memories will be brought up again. You will need to be strong and determined, and most of all you will need to persevere.

Be led by your medical team, but make sure you know whats happening along the way, and participate in your treatment plans. Ask questions, seek answers, ask about alternatives. Have support around you - at home, at work, and here on the Forums. Report back to us, tell us how things are going, seek support from others.

I have done 10 sessions of Exposure Therapy (ET) last year, in conjunction with some CBT. Exhausting stuff and highly distressing. I have recently had 3 sessions of EMDR therapy, with another coming up next week. I do find this much less distressing than the ET of last year. Perhaps thats because I have already done much of the hard work during the ET. With the EMDR you dont actually need to talk about a lot of the bad memories, you just need to hold them in your own mind. Where as the ET, you need to talk about them over and over, in order to desensitize our mind. Much harder for me to do. But I think both forms of therapy have their advantages, and everyone is very different. What works for me, may not for you, and vice versa.

I have written extensively about how the EMDR works, as I was asked to do so on another thread. You may find it useful - look under the ALL POSTS TAB, go to the TREATMENTS section, and find "EMDR for Intrusive Thoughts".

Let me know how you go.

Sherie xx

[Cookstar]

Hi Sherie, thank you for your response. I am definitely feeling and seeing the effects of dealing with the trauma. As I have started working through things with professionals I am definitely feeling is 1 step toward 2 steps back. I guess though over time the steps forward will get bigger and the backwards steps smaller and I will see progress. I am currently just finding it so amazing how powerful the mind can be in changing how we feel, act and respond to different triggers.

Thank you also on the information regarding EMDR. Is definitely something I will discuss with my medical team. My most recent task was to sit down and write a letter saying exactly how I felt. This was in the hope to get some of the anger out of me as eventually they want me to either be able to write a letter or tell the person what they done to me and how it has impacted me. This task ended up being too hard and my anxiety increased dramatically and also became very depressed so think need to take it slower and use different techniques so will see what they think about it.

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum, hearing of others stories and there trials