sexual assault/rape survivor PTSD & anxiety i am seeking support

[Spencerr]

21 years old & terified about what the future holds for me.

In 2012 on the 6th of July I was walking down my street around 7:30am. I could sense I was being followed but could not see anyone. I was punched twice in the back of the head, as i fell forward someone caught me from behind with their large hand covering my mouth. (I will not go into detail as to what then occurred but i was sexually assaulted) 

Police were called which i almost feel made it even more traumatic as i was in shock and being asked to provide very intimate details. 

For the next year i experienced flashbacks, severe depression, severe anxiety and bad dreams. I kept this my secret as i could not burden my family with something i still didnt understand. My partner was my main support. I eventually exploded and decided to see a psychologist. I remeber feeling soo ill, my partner drove me and came to the initial appt. Every appointment was exhausting, an emotional battle. I would debate whether going would help or make the pain worse. I figured i had suffered enough and accepted that it was goung to be an emotional  rollercoaster and that i needed help. After several sessions the flashbacks and bad dreams were getting worse. My bad dreams of that day were being incorporated into another dream. I kept having this same dream for a couple of weeks. I told my psychologist that it was all getting too much but she encouraged me to keep up appointments as i had come so far. In December 2012 i went to work just like any other day and experienced such an intense flashback my body went into shock and i collapsed. I struggled to comprehend what day, year or where i was. My boss assured me i was in a safe place and sat wiith me until it was over. My flashback was not from my assault in July but was from when i was 17 still in high school.  I explained this to my psychologist as i was so confused and scared at the fact that how can something like this happen and i have no recollection of it?! She explained that the mind tends to block things out when it goes into shock and can not process a traumatic event. I had one more appointment with her after that and then never saw her again. I was not ready to go on another emotional rollercoaster. I am still suffering, i feel dirty all the time, i have trouble being intimate, i fear what the future holds, fear of men and crowded places.

I just need to know that i am not alone.

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I just want to tell you, you are not alone. As I am sitting on my chair thinking about you, and wondering what I could say to you. I have not gone through what you have, and I can't imagine how you must feel. But I am so sorry that these awful and horrific things have happened to such a precious person....that's you. I long to go back to all the times you were hurt, and take you in my arms and hold you. Even though I don't know you, I hate the thought of this happening to you. It breaks my heart. I hope as you read this, if you do, you will know and feel that I care about you so much.

I wish I could advise you or something, but I cannot. I can only send a huge hug to you, and send you my love.

Will you keep posting back here into Beyond Blue? I hope so, someone else may be able to provide you with some advice, or  you may find a connection to someone else who has gone through similar things as you.

With much love

Shelley anne xxx

[Scarlettt]

You are not alone, and I can understand a bit of how you're feeling. When I was 16 I was sexually violated from a friend of mine who was much older than I. It hurt a lot because it came from someone I had trusted, and I thought I could just move on and forget it ever happened. I never told anyone. I felt so sick and disgusted, all I wanted to do for weeks was cry and vomit.

 It's now been a few years since and I'm experiencing similar things to what you're going through now, especially intimacy and trust issues. But it doesn't define the life you will have from now on. The things that have happened to you do not define you as a person, and it is unfair for anybody to go through it. Talking to my family certainly helps me cope with the memories and nightmares. I also find that my psychologist gives me useful advice on ways to deal with flashbacks and panic attacks affectively.

I hope this helps you in some way. Just know you are definitely not alone, and I am here for you.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Spencerr.  I am glad that you have found your way to the BB Forums, so welcome.

I want you to know that you are definitely not alone.  I am sure you will find a lot of understanding and support here on the forums.  And I see that you already have done above.  Hopefully this give you the support that you currently need and I hope it gives you some respite from your suffering, even if in only a small way.  What you have gone through is horrific, and I am so, so sorry this has happened to you.  

Rape is far more common than anybody realises.  Mainly because it is not always reported.  I was raped almost 20 years ago, in my own home by someone I knew and thought I could trust.  I too was physically hurt (concussion, cuts, bruises, etc) as well as being brutally raped.  Unlike you however, the police were not involved, because I never reported it.  The shame, humiliation, the thought of having to go through it all again to the police and any subsequent court case was too much for me to bear.  I think the reporting process has improved a little now thankfully. Subsequently I never told anybody about what happened.  I kept it secret, and just hoped it would all just go away. 

But it didnt, and like you are now finding, memories of the trauma dont leave you.  I too suffered flashbacks, nightmares and debilitating anxiety, and I still do.  I isolated myself and was always afraid I would see him again.  I no longer trust people or my own judgement.  I moved many times to try to escape. I'm sure this will all sound familiar to you?

The first time I ever opened up and told someone about it was last year when I told my psychologist.  At the time it was 19 years since the rape, and it had been a difficult few months for unrelated reasons as well.  It had just gone anniversary time, which is always a difficult time for me.  Is it for you as well?  Anyway long story short, my psych recommended I go through Exposure therapy and CBT, which it sounds like you may have been having.  I actually found that it was of some benefit, in that I can now hear certain words, names, topics and not go into panic mode or break down in tears. That was progress. I think you have to be realistic however. This will likely be with you for life, to some extent or other.  But we need to learn how best to live with it and to minimise the pain and suffering these people have done to us.  I would urge you to consider continuing with some form of therapy.  Please know that I care.

Sherie xx

[LZinsight]

Hi, Spencerr. 
I can't say I "understand" your pain, after all my experience was different, and everyone is affected in different ways, what I can say is you aren't alone, and though there isn't really anything I can say that will make you feel better, I hope I can say people here can be a nice leg of support should you need one, and while I haven't been here long, it's certainly helped a bit.

Hope you keep posting should you need it.

[Zephyr7]

Hello everyone. I am so glad you're here. Thank you for the opportunity to write. Firstly, I am so sorry for everyone who is a rape survivor. It would be so much better if this crime hadn't happened to us. That said, the resilience on this forum is really helping me as today, I cracked at work, left early and as its a new job; I am feeling guilty and ashamed about this. My new boss is amazing and he is bewildered as how I interviewed is different to how I am in the job. I can't find the words to say it's my anniversary month. My father has just scraped through his cancer & my uncle was in a terrible accident. I'm trying to keep up my law degree but this month, I've cried, vomited and had the shakes until I finally go numb and can sleep. I went straight to my GP today to go back onto my antidepressants. I am also using all my strategies to get through tonight. Long term I am stuck. I simply hate this cycle. I'm so glad that I am not the only person trying to manage living life with the trauma in the background but I have a disability too which makes me extra vulnerable even though I work hard to hide it. My anxiety has been present for many years but lately, the sense of "just managing" my difficulties feels more like "F***...and here we go again!" My biggest hope is settling down into my life and mostly being calm and relaxing to be around. It drives me nuts that I just crumble with curve balls now instead of having that inner strength I used to be known for prior to the assault. Its probably my biggest grief, the loss of that steely bloody mindedness. I don't know what to do from here though. I really want to live. Life is so precious. I love my family and simply cannot be without them. But how can I live life and enjoy it without becoming a basket case? I fight every day to not retreat into being a bit of a vegetable as a means to cope, but it is so very, very tempting to just completely shut down.

[white knight]

Hi spencer, welcome

I have a few wishes and hopes...

I hope you make a good recovery in time

I wish I was there to protect you

I hope your attacker gets karma. Karma exists.

I wish you could accept how many men are good men

I hope your partner continues to support you through the bad times

I wish you well

Tony WK   60yo male.

[Zephyr7]

Wow. No replies. I've made it through the night, but whatever. *Great* community. Please talk to me

[Guest_5218]

Morning there Zephyr7. I'm so pleased that you made it though the night. Not sure what time you posted, but I did not get your post until just now. You say that you got no replies, and yet I can see that White Knight has replied to you already. Did you not get that message? You sound very disappointed that you did not get more replies, and I am sorry also that you didnt. Thankfully most people sleep during the night, so there may be occasions where you dont get a reply for a while. And please bear in mind that people here are just like yourself, we are often struggling with our daily issues as well. And many of us work. This really is a great community and I hope you stick around long enough to see that.

Talk to you? Yes, I know you are doing it really tough right now. If you see my post to the original person who started this thread, you will see that I have been through something similar to yourself. So I can understand what you may be going through. And what you say is so so true - it would be so much better if this crime were not forced upon any of us.

You do not say how long ago this happened to you, but from what I can understand it may be quite some time? But with so many other dramas happening in your life recently, then you are just becoming overwhelmed by it all right now. Our traumatic memories unfortunately stay will us and certain triggers throw us a curve ball when we are least able to deal with them.

You say that it is an anniversary month? I always find that a particularly difficult time as well, just one of the triggers that I can reliably predict. Speaking of anniversaries, you may be interested in reading another thread on the Trauma and Physical Illness area of the Forums. The title is "Coping with the Anniversary of a Traumatic Event". It is actually a thread I started a couple of months ago leading up to the 20 year anniversary of my won rape. I have received so much sound advice and wonderful support from the people on these forums, and I know you will too. I think you may also find it helpful to read that thread, as there is some really great advice there that you may find useful and comforting as well. It is very long though, and is ongoing.

Have you had any psychological therapy - CBT, ACT, Exposure Therapy? If you havent already done so, it would probably be worthwhile having a Mental Health Plan prepared by your GP. That would allow subsidised psych therapy.

I understand and I care.

Sherie xx

[Guest_5218]

Hello again Zephyr7. Sorry my post was a little rushed this morning, I had to go into work today. Plus I ran out of allowable words and didnt get to put everything in that I wanted to. But because you seemed so disappointed about not getting any responses last night I felt I needed to let you know that you werent forgotten.

I see that the Forums have been fairly quiet today, so I'm sorry that you have not received any additional responses. Please keep in mind that many people here do work, and even our Community Champions here on the Forums are volunteers only. They devote their time to helping others, in their own time, and are not paid.

But now that I'm back from work I wanted to say that if you ever get to the stage where everything is just becoming too hard to manage, or you feel you need to speak to someone urgently - please know that there is a 24/7 BB Helpline that you can call anytime - the number is 1300 22 4636. You will find them to be extremely helpful and knowledgeable and they will steer you in the right direction to receive appropriate help and care. Another option available to you between the hours of 3pm and midnight 7 days a week is the BB Online chat facility. You will find a red rectangle at the bottom left of your computer screen with the Chat online symbol on it. Just click on that and follow the instructions.

I hope you are feeling a little better today Zephyr7. If you're like me, the nights are always the worst. But again please keep in mind that you can receive immediate support by phoning the Help Line I mentioned above.

I would love to hear back from you ......... I am happy to talk with you anytime you would like to. Provided I'm here of course! ( - : Just reply to my post and I will get back to you. I do check my computer regularly, but do not have a smart phone and so cannot access the 'net while out and about.

Sherie xx