Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Hello Ladies

I hope you are well and virus free. Lately I'm declining so am withdrawing into my self moreso. In there it is safe, no one condemns or questions why my missing son still upsets me, why if we do meet I get the "honour" of hearing him call another woman "mum", another man" dad". Of being expected to recover as if the child had died, had a funeral and we were comforted in our loss. Healing all I can from what is avoidable suffering has taken years and much work, and is in no way completed. My struggle is with the unavoidable suffering which I can only find some sort of meaning in it, which so far I am at a loss to achieve. So I'm seeing a psychologist again to help me work through that, to put aside the hope of finding my son and to find something else to hope for. Despair is on my threshold again so I won't be in here for a while as I battle this terrible dis-ease. Being open in a public place including even in here is too much for me atm and I'm sorry to go away from you in this way; I hope you understand. A friend of mine has been sharing in a beautiful way his journey of grief & healing at the loss of his first son who died in his arms aged 2. He speaks openly, publicly, with great humility & wisdom about all the facets of his loss, grief, guilt & so on. He is held in high esteem, worthy of the respect & support given to him. It hits me hard though that this is not something we can ever do or receive. The moment the word "adoption" is mentioned people don't give a sh!t about us and move on. Then accuse us of self-pity, self-centredness, whinging & so on. I'm feeling hypervigilant & aggressive atm about this so I think it best to be in my own space as I work towards giving up re my son & turning my life elsewhere. No doubt I'll be condemned about that too. So, secrecy suits me well now. If he changes his mind & wishes to meet I won't hinder that but as for being our son, that's just not the truth cos that was denied us, stolen & hidden, illegally, emotionally, relationally, ethically, secretly... Apparently our being 'real' is confronting & distressing to them. Our very reality is still a threat apparently. It's looking like, "I want you to conceive, have the pregnancy & give birth & then I want you to give the baby to me.If you don't give it to me I'll send someone who will take it.It'll be mine forever, incl it's children etc. Then you can piss off & never disturb us again." My parents made me pay for being born bad & pay I shall.

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie~

I've admired the way you have struggled with a huge injustice, one that leaves your soul incomplete.

I can understand that talking here may not be an answer for you, so I will thank you for letting us know you will be off-air, so we do not worry excessively, and will continue to send you kind thoughts and peace

Croix

[PhoebeWings]

Dearest Laurie,

Thank you so much for letting us know, otherwise we’d certainly be left worried if you had simply disappeared.

As Croix said, you have struggled with a lifelong injustice of the worst kind, leaving your soul incomplete. I think ‘soul incomplete’ is a true description for women like you, Terese and me.

Or as Lady Nova said many posts ago... How can we know our true compass point in life, when we have no North as a point of reference.

I’ve been struggling again recently, as can be read a few posts ago.
I’ve been rebalancing myself, quietly. I’m sorry I couldn’t speak more when you sent your kind letter to offer support. Just very tired, a deep inside tired.

The Universe shifted for me in a way that I didn’t understand as a teenager, I just knew I had to keep treading water, playing my part, creating a part that saved me from a downward spiral to a wrecked life. It’s been a lonely walk hasn’t it? But....here we are. Yes, we’re still walking.

I feel intensely for you and Terese right now, as Mothers who fall into the post early 70s adoption trap...

You see, I have my young age to hide behind, also being one of the ‘stats’ in the Baby scoop era, I’m usually spared the agony of being accused of ‘choice’ - but listening to your words over timé, I can imagine you have had little protection and sometimes find yourselves subject to a greater degree of accountability by your families and others....No one understands.
It wasn’t a choice. With no warm family support, it’s easy to get lost.... Fearfully believing the lie that our babies would prefer to be mothered by another woman.

I don’t wish to live as a victim, I never have....but sometimes the burden weighs in so heavy, so deep inside, the loss of my only baby, the loss of my very own....the loss of all those precious years, I would have been a good Mother, I would ....And Laurie, Terese....I’m grateful for the sharing of our deepest thoughts, hopes and acknowledgement of our grief.

So life goes on, our lives, the lives of our partners...we can’t live in a state of being overwhelmed...and I understand how talking about this with other Mothers can just be too much, when there is no foreseeable closure.

Laurie, if it’s OK, I’ll keep an eye on this space that you created, just in case another Mother reaches out to the forum.

I hope you find a peaceful place in your heart, a place of respite ....Please take good care of yourself dear,
The warmest thoughts and tender hugs to you,

Phoebe.

[Pineapple_patch]

Dear Laurie

I find it difficult to be in here too often as well, it is more comfortable to stay detached, but i greatly valued knowing that you were around. I wish you peace and acceptance in your journey to healing. I will drop back in periodically to check for you.

Wishing you the very best.

Terese

[Pineapple_patch]

Dear Pheobe

So sorry i have been away so long. I hope things are improving for you. In the depths of my depressions, i remind myself that this will pass. i just have to hang on.

I hope you are able to find the support you need to provide you comfort you for your losses, as do i.

Terese

[LaurieD]

Thank you, Croix.

I'll be back eventually but not until I can play nicely in the sandbox. It'll be a fair while. If I've offended or hurt you in any way please know I regret that and am sorry. Thank you for all your support in here - it's been a terrific help. Stay well.

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Dear Terese

Thank you for your lovely words. I won't be gone forever, just until I have a break-through on this horrible "thing" atm. As you n Phoebe both express in your letters that it's tough being near each other at times. Detached, as you say. It's strange really, but many of the people I've met are this way too perhaps because the usual grief walk etc is not available so we touch each other's unhealed pain? I don't know, but I do know that you and Phoebe & all in here are not people I want to lose so I'll pop in over time as well, every now n then cos this thread isn't all about me, it's about us.

Much affection to you. Be full of courage, strength and endurance.

Laurie xo

[LaurieD]

Dear Phoebe

Thank you for your beautiful letter. I can't help but reply as my au revoir because I shall return but it'll probably be a few months.

Your understanding made me cry which I rarely do. Croix did nail it re incomplete soul. So many truths in here, such treasure. I understand that you didn't reply & am not hurt by it other than feel sad for and with you. Therese spoke of this too, the detachment we need. I love that we all "get it" :).

What you said re Mothers who fall into the post early 70's adoption trap such as Therese and I, & then all you said thereafter; that undid me. Since the Inquiry I've been asking what about us after 1973? Why were the submissions after 73 put aside? Yet the report said the coercion cont into the early 90's. The disenfranchisment got a whole lot worse, as you so intelligently point out. That means SO much-thank you deeply.

Please do pop in here still; that's lovely. I'll fight this stinky attitude I have atm cos life is to precious to waste.I was told we are victims, real ones, but I don't want to live as a martyr either thus this suffering must be turned from a tragedy to a triumph somehow, even if it's only the attitude chosen to respond to it. Gee it's hard.

I've often been asked to write my story but now I've begun a blog (anonymous as I fear openness again). Jigsaw are interested in it but it's mainly for parents like us but esp from 1973 to now which is why I was so touched by your noticing us in that time. It revises the steps of my healing journey & search for meaning now, & describes the modern coercion used since drugs & straps etc were banned.

Maybe someone will read it eg the new Forced Adoptions counsellor recently, "You mean THAT was still going on in 1989??!!!" Yes & later.Yes,I know, the adoption order is not legal. No,no-one is listening. How do we live with this? Unavoidable suffering has meaning so will find it.

This may be unwise cos atm I'm fueled by anger cos under that is hurt & disillusionment. I'll be polite but frank cos if I don't constructively vent this huge anger in a good way then it'll turn in again & I'm sure you know what that's like. I hope by telling the whole story at least once then it'll be out of me.No more secrets. contemplatinglife dot art is site not published yet. soon

I dunno, I'm just very cranky & writing is better than a massive tantrum which is what I really feel like doing. A self-pity bathe probly.

You take good care of you too.

Much love to all

Laurie xx

[PhoebeWings]

Laurie said “thus this suffering must be turned from a tragedy to a triumph somehow”.

I’ve been thinking over this....
With Adoption, I feel there is no great triumph to be gained in this mangled world, where having a dream fulfilled for one person, can cause great loss and pain for another.

But....

To be entirely honest, I am a person of faith, and it is faith alone that keeps my head above water.

Without wishing to push my hopes and beliefs....I do put my trust in the ancient scriptural hope of Universal Restoration/Salvation.
Where all the mangled and messed up works of our world are done away with....and ALL of creation is brought to new life, no matter how broken, wicked - so, yes...I have faith in messianic promises, which filter through so many of our oral and written stories of old.

I really hesitate to write that In full, but on this forum and elsewhere, we freely write of self help practices, modern day books of guidance and inspiration... and share.

Having the ancient hope of full restoration out of chaos, that for me, doesn’t mean that we sit on our hands, ignoring what is wrong and saying or doing nothing.

But it does afford me forgiveness of myself, when I feel the lowest of low...and willingness to forgive others...

It doesn’t stop the disquiet completely, it doesn’t stop the sharp pangs of resentment and anger I feel sometimes...but it does hold my life in sustainable balance through the darker moments and experiences.

I needed to write that, because if I’m honest, it’s what really holds me....through my own flaws, my own messes, my own poor thinking...I get to renew, reset as best I can.

I’ll not bring up the subject again, but when you take hold of the bigger picture, there can be a greater measure of peace, in between the hurt of the world...and the love...we can be elevated and find a thread of hope. That’s my safe guard. That’s what keeps me ticking under all the painful layers that can press down on my very soul......you know?

Take care.

[LaurieD]

Hey Phoebe 🙂

Thought I'd pop in & I see your gem. I know exactly what you speak of, awesome!

"Without faith you will not endure," is key for me. Perhaps it's ok to speak of Messiah in topic of adoption cos it is a practice done in the name of God. What's done & taught is wrong tho...

All other mum's etc I've met have either no longer believe or refuse to know a God who demands babies. Almost lost my own faith except got rid of toxic religion so the r'ship is good now.

Moral injury is a wounded soul & spirit so soul repair is spiritual work. Amazing seeing that in psychology world, where theology is encouraged.

I have been sustained. Good will be brought from all. I am not alone in the troubles of this life. Mercy, grace, truth, love, hope: powerful stuff. Renewing of my mind=transforming me hugely & yet am still such a mess. Glad it's a team work job cos I'd fail! Sometimes I must ask for the willingness to be willing.

The triumph from the tragedy=overcoming, being transformed etc. It's in one's own soul/spirit, to not become bitter, hateful etc, to accept empowerment from Him to do work that's humanly impossible in the troubles of life.

Frankly I'd speak of this subject again, even if coded lol. It is THE core issue I struggle with,cos accepting that His grace is sufficient re this thorn is hard at times, esp when world & church says healing is possible now. No, it's not! Not yet...

Healing from avoidable suffering is good but what's done re unavoidable suffering in unchangeable situation? Finding meaning is the way yet psych's etc want it healed=agony of soul.

Mourn with & comfort others is painful, touches my pain deep tho I love being with us all. Wish I could openly do Soul repair with Believers but can't find any. You?!:) Most become atheists cos who wants a God who demands what we endure? I don't either! But He's not the one who sacrifices babies for forgiveness of wrongdoing. Molech, Baal yes, but not Messiah.

"Even if a mother forgets the child at her breast, if that was possible, I will never forget you." Our pain is normal, the suffering is meant to destroy thus the attack is so effective at destroying people, families, social structure etc. Living is a team effort, we do our part & He does His, empowers, counsels, comforts, teaches. We're not disordered but have troubled souls/spirits, made worse by a pagan practice adapted & "baptised" as holy, the Gentile version of Israeli holocaust,it's fruit=bad. Many r broken by this evil.

L xo