Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie~

I'm glad that after hesitating you did post, welcome here, and I'll say first off off that you have had to wait a long time for a response. Please understand that is nothing to do with yourself, or your topic, sadly our system does not always work as we would wish.

It can be very easy to think one is being disregarded, or the problem is one people do not wish to talk about. That is simply not the case. Most of us here have lived though nightmare times and that makes for empathy and understanding. It also means to to talk here is to be heard, and if one person finds they do not have the exact same experience at least they can understand a little, and even that can help.

To have one's baby taken forcibly and adopted is to have a part of one's soul taken too. There is grief, despair, hopelessness and often guilt, or so I would imagine, plus an endless wondering of how the baby is.

May I ask if you have had medical support in those years, and if so did anything help?

I'm somewhat luckier with PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety, from quite a different set of causes, however I'd imagine the symptoms can at least partly coincide with nightmares, sleeplessness, overwhelming regret and distrust to name a few.

Anniversaries are hard to deal with, I still get a couple though as time has gone on my symptoms have become less frequent and less overwhelming and I deal better. Maybe in time when your mind is in the right place to deal with it that date might become clearer.

Could I ask waht is the most troubling thing for you at the moment?

There is one thing I truly admire, you offer support as well as seek it.

Croix (who suspects you can draw flowers rather well)

[Quercus]

Hi Laurie D,

Welcome to the forum family. I'm glad Croix has written to you. He's right saying wanting to share in a long term thread is admirable.

There needs to be a space to discuss adoption. It is such a difficult topic and one that often misses out (not because people don't care but because it can hit too close to home to many).

I couldn't reply till now. Your situation was upsetting to read so I cannot imagine how you have the strength to offer to help others as well.

There are a few members you might like to search to read. One is GGrand and another Splodge. They both discuss the hurt of adoption from their experiences. I also have written about being a child of an adopted parent. It bloody hurts.

I don't have words at the moment but wanted to reply to you and show you I care.

Forced adoption is something in our history I see as truly cruel and evil. I am so sorry you experienced this and yet grateful you're willing to talk about it.

Nat

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix 🙂

I'm so pleased I popped back in to see if there's any replies - thank you for your lovely letter :). Loss to adoption is not an easy topic for sure & it's easy for a post to be "buried" so I'd accepted that no reply could happen.

You have correctly identified some of the challenges and your empathy is a treasure. We can indeed compare notes about PTSD etc, which is great for not feeling alone but if there's a miracle cure I'll let you know! It means a lot to know someone who knows what it's like.

Over the years I have been blessed with great help which is rare as few are aware of the consequences of loss to adoption, let alone how to help us. But it came too late, & not for my lack of trying; initial small help 10 years after losing him, then intensive about 20 years after (ie 10 years ago), but only in the last couple of years specific & intensive help for loss to adoption since the govt's apologised & provided help, sort of ;). It's a complex issue to deal with, partly because it's seen as "post" when it isn't all post. I call it Peri TSD because the cause of trauma is current as well as post, and likely to be in the future too. There are times like what you've described when some relief occurs - really glad this happening for you 🙂 - then something else will happen and then off we go again. Exasperating.

Things that have helped... hmm. For me it's been Truth. Neuroplasticity type stuff - insights, REBT/CBT things - which somehow helped "shift" some of the terrifying memories from the wrong part of my brain to the correct memory part. Make sense? Also, learning about Moral Injury & Logotherapy. And now, drugs sigh - anti-depressants & other medication as needed. My last "falling over", the 4th, has felled me. I'm 51yo yet 151yo :). Many speak of resilience in this life experience & I agree, but one too many/long term adversity can deny "bouncing back", so I find endurance more helpful.

It's difficult to share details with a word limit but in essence two things troubles me atm - the endless "shock" of events throughout and being treated as dangerous. The shaming goes to the core of self so REBT is helping reinterpret dynamics in the scenario; grief is unrelenting as this is a "living death" but it's the lies that hurt most. Atm I'm working through beliefs (mine & others) & often think, "Who are YOU to throw stones at ME?!!!"

It's a process. Walking this journey with others is priceless & I think saves lives.

Drawing helps :).

Yours

Laurie

 

[LaurieD]

Hi Nat 🙂

Thank you for your lovely letter. I am grateful & admire you & Croix for replying as this topic is a tricky & volatile one. I feel cared about - thank you :).

My best friend is a child of an adopted person too so my heart goes out to you - it's very tough to live with. Agreed - adoption hits on the deepest levels of humanity & is confronting & challenging, many are unsure of how to deal with it as it's overwhelming on many levels. Stereotypes, disinformation etc hinder an already complex life situation. Many react with the human propensity for believing the Just World Theory in that this creates doubt & the assumption that people lose their child because they must have been "bad", which is sometimes true, but the truth is that most people lost their child because OTHER people were bad.

Anyway, my point is that people who live with such have much to offer I believe; they've confronted the worst & yet live, often without realising how much they know about adversity & suffering, the blood & guts of life etc, thus my belief that supporting each other by sharing our experiences, what gives us strength & hope is absolute gold. Just letting someone know they're not alone is one of the most loving things someone can do - I both need that & see the value in offering it too.

Sadly, forced adoption is quite modern & again on the rise. Heartbreaking stuff. I've been doing a lot of learning & am stunned at how internationally widespread this modern practice of adoption is & the very high degree of forced family separation. Mortifying. I liken it to slavery - it was "normal" in the US for eg, to trade them & their distress minimised & hidden - atrocity made to look "good" & the damage on so many levels is inexplicable & intergenerational. It's tough to say I need help to endure this - I would rather avoid it - but in spite of years of hard yakka to "recover" (pfft) & as I further awaken from the fog & face even deeper, more painful damage in hopes of "being better", if that's possible, I hope to be with others who endure such things too, even if it's not adoption loss related. I posted because some days, some nights (the worst), I just need a word of encouragement - hang on, keep going & so on. Happy to offer that too. Anyway, I'm going on.

Thank for sharing names of other people - awesome! I shall look them up, introduce myself & hang on their every word :). All the very best to you.

Regards

Laurie

[LaurieD]

PS 🙂

The flower is the Tea Rose, symbolic for "I will always remember" & is the symbol used in Qld for parents whose children were taken for adoption.

Kind regards

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie~

Glad you explained the Tea Rose, I'd not realized.

I'm somewhat luckier than you in that the matters that gave me PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression were work-related and are in the past, unlike you who faces loss of a real part of yourself every day. The closest I get is guilt and horror from before.

I'm older than you and have experienced these things for a very long time. My life is more normal now, nightmares occasional except in times of stress, and I've found ways of avoiding most of the triggers and a medication that actually helps, it is not an A/D. The symptoms are much less.

I've found Talk Therapy the best, having tried many, it does not make things go away, but helps me try for perspective, which maybe the same as saying shifting from one part of the brain to another. I still see a psych fortnightly. I have unearthed a memory last year gone for many years, my psych says I'm now ready to deal with it which is why appeared - um.

There is no 'Just World', the theory is a form of self-justification. That is not to say there is no justice in the world, there are many who in their own small sphere try to be fair and kind. Sadly may of them are in that position becuse of a hard time in life, which very often breeds understanding and compassion.

Night have been something to dread in the past for so long, it left me reading a great deal instead of sleep, which did help in its way, but left me constantly tired. My current meds, taken together with relaxation exercises I was taught (and thought useless) many years in the past have come together and often work. I no longer dread bedtime unless in the middle of an upheaval.

I have little to offer other than saying you are not alone, while each can suffer for different reasons sitting together has its comfort.

Do you have someone who is always there for you?

I do believe you can reach a better state, because I have. That 4th collapse may be the last

You are welcome and can say whatever you need, there is care and understanding to greet you. I think others will draw on you, and that is important.

Croix

I think you are right, it is hte faults of others htat lead to situations like yours, not just faults of overconfidence, superiority and self-satisfaction, but also a profound ignorance of the importance of family life and the fundamental harm done by removing it -to both parent and child. Saying sorry does not cut the mustard, I'm cynical enough to see politics rather than contrition.

[LaurieD]

Hi Croix 🙂

Always great to hear from you. Sorry about my delayed reply - I'll never just disappear from in here, unless of course I die or something radical like that! What you say about justice, and about politics not contrition are spot on - good insight there, sir 🙂 as there is much evidence to substantiate your statement. Have you seen Yes Minister & Yes Prime Minister BBC shows? That's how it is for real.

I'm pleased to hear you've had some relief from severity of symptoms. Perhaps things will never totally go away because we're not psychopaths, cos we should be horrified cos we care? I value all the things you've shared - what you offer re my not being alone is not little to me, but of a magnitude which surprises me.

I've been contemplating your letter and if you're happy to, I'd love to keep talking with you about living with traumatic stress injury. That's actually why I first came in here, then had a rough time & posted re my son. I avail myself of good help but it's the living out of all this for which I need someone to walk beside me, or sit together as you say :).

I have met amazing people & I am not alone, except the PTSD. I tried other groups but found a focus more on the challenges rather than towards better outcomes, as you describe, but I don't judge them cos they don't know HOW to be better, poor things. A Vietnam vet where I live agreed to meet with me often but then he got very sick so I left it alone. In '09 a psychologist who'd worked in Iraq with the army diagnosed me with PTSD etc "as bad as a Vietnam Vet". He said incurable. I said a swearword meaning disbelief & disagreement, which was really begging for hope. Ever since I've been fighting to be well, trying everything, & it was only a few months ago I accepted that they might be right. I accept it, with sulking still ;), but still look for help to be better as much as possible. I'll share in a different post something I am dreading for which I hope you will sit with me, that you have experiences to share that might also help me.

I too find that many who've had it rough in life have much understanding & compassion - we need each other. I once met a genuine refugee, a mother, from Woomera Detention Centre and the r'ship we developed without English even still touches me deeply. We saw in each other that "something", and drew on each other in ways that make my heart full to this day. I hope she & her family are safe now.

Off to write my other post.

Yours

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Dear Fellow Sitter

The word limit is for people like me!

Deep breath. Jump in.

The worst anniversary times for me are from 12th Feb ish to 26 Apr. My mind recalls days n dates but not the darn year! Met my best friend in 1993 (son taken 1989) & over the years she noticed the above & said so; stunned me because I hadn't noticed but those dates line up with worst events perfectly. I ignored it tho, too hard.

It's hard not to swerve into other details.

In spite of all the useful help I've gotten as well as my own drivenness & obstinacy in seeking cure (has helped a lot) I've found that often the "problem is not the problem". Traumatic stress injury is a result, not a cause. For me the loss is not only one event 30+ years ago but ongoing & further events 2. Thus I say that living with loss to adoption involves pre, peri (current) & post trauma. This 4th fall was from thawing out from a horrible event in '08 & it's fallout (will share another time) which meant I lost my son again, then my husband (father of all my children) & now more rejection. It's never "post". I managed to learn that my son has married - pre trauma is time to prepare for the next loss/es ie my grandchildren. There's more too - it's complex.

But if I can't resolve the post trauma events, I can't deal with the peri nor prepare for the next (pre). So for many years I just weathered the Feb-April insanity, the drowning, often even forgetting about it till I'm dropped again, but over the last 3 years especially I've been busting my butt to help my subconscious deal with it prior to the time in hopes of not drowning. Last year I was so pleased to be okayish from 12Feb to 14Mar (born 7, taken 14), then on the 15th I drowned worse than ever till 26Apr. I've learned that triggers can "morph".

Frankly, now I've lost my confidence & am almost terrified of next year. My spunk is gone. There's no way to stop the drowning (like a photo of the waterline). Fearing it is the worst thing I can do. Consciously I've done so much to heal, destroy lies & gradually restore my fractured self, but subconciously last year's failure proves my -our- best efforts fail. I KNOW I don't mark these dates on purpose, preferring to avoid it as usual, but I know for a fact & often said, "IT" happens to me & I have zero control. I miss the disassociation; it really helped.

I am trying to not be too afraid & I'm failing. My only plan is to weather it well. The one I am most afraid of is my sub-mind. "Me".

Yours

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Lauire~

I'm going to go off on a tangent, I know it's not practical advice, but please bear with me.

I was invalided out of my job (policeman) wiht PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety. They consumed my mind and I was suicidal. My wife had a very hard time of it, working, looking after household , offspring and me.

I said my mind was consumed, it dwelt on events in the past,& future, on my failings and a lack of hope - among all this I had a very big worry.

When my wife tried to rouse me from my preoccupied state I'd react violently, not violence on her but jumping, shouting and waving my arms on an occasion . I lived in great fear I'd actually hit her in those moments when I was being dragged back and had no control.

This seems paradoxical as I'd reached the stage where I knew I had no love in me, and loved no one.

I never did hit her (she was a brave person) and later on I came to two conclusions, the first being that love was buried inside me and still influencing my actions, without my knowledge at the time. This later pointed out to me there was more in me than I'd thought. My view of my self and my capabilities was not as bleak as I'd convinced myself.

All this is a fancy way of sayng you have more strenght and ability to survive buried in you than you might think. No it does not make your episodes better, but may give you a spark deep down - in your sub-mind perhaps?

The other point is of course the influence of another, I do not think you have anyone to share your life - do I misunderstand?

You did have a partial victory you know, you delayed your triggers, I don't think that was a 'morph', but a significant delay. What did you do?

I've no magic fixes, for nightmares I get up straight away and do not lie there in that half world of pain, caught between past and present.

You have not failed, you have built, though you are having trouble recognizing that. You may have grandchildren and enjoy their love, the past has taught you negatives, but some people are good, and they change the world.

This is not a fight alone, some can see and want to ease the burden of others, to understand.

I've no idea of the people in your daily life, perhaps they are a negative, I don't know. I do know you can recognize good.

I told you it was a tangent, I've probably not explained as I might, if all you get from my words is a crack in the certainty of inevitable continued horror then I'd be more than content

Croix