Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Thanks. I certainly spent a lot of time feeling invalidated, disheartened and just tired along the way, so I'm relieved I found a good psychiatrist that didn't make things more difficult. Now comes the challenge of getting meds right. I have hit some significant bumps in the road with the one he's trying me on now, exactly the opposite in nature than I might have expected from a stimulant. Aargh.

Bugger, I hate it when long posts disappear. That said, I appreciate you writing one, even though it didn't reach me. I'm sure you rocked the vintage-inspired wedding ensemble. 🙂

Thanks. I already own some stuff with black lace (over deep green), so it's a good back-up if money dries up and I can't buy wedding gear! Purple is also good, or even rich pink, which is a definite possibility.

There won't be any more GOSS for a while, but I'll be sure to keep you informed.

Blue.

PS Taking a minute to answer a message or two while LM is in an appointment - I'll be back to look in on your thread & answer EM in the next break in what is set to be a very busy few days.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Seems time got away from me, it's taken way longer to get back to answering messages on here than I expected.

Congratulations are perfectly appropriate. Thanks. Haha, no back chatting? But that's what I do best! 😉 (But seriously, I appreciate the vote of confidence.)

Haha, yep that's me, traditions out the window at every opportunity. I do miss having bright colours in my hair, it's been a while (all the extra hair-washing thanks to covid means I just can't afford to maintain it, bright colours wash out way too quick). I've done pretty much every colour at one time or another - blue, green, red, purple and pink. I'm certain you won't be surprised by that.

Sounds like pretty good news to me, EM. Being in the pipelines for a while doesn't mean it isn't exciting. I think having a tangible object like a ring is important in times like this, something to hold onto to cement a sense that your engagement is real. We don't have rings yet, we want to get them custom made - so between not telling our in-person friends and not having something tangible it doesn't quite feel real.

Oh dear, Groomzilla sounds worrying. I'm super glad LM doesn't have too much of that about him. You might have to tell BF to waterproof his fancy shoes, haha.

Yeah, the psychiatrist was a real surprise, given the parade of useless "professionals" I've dealt with thus far. Pity the meds have been a disaster, in fact triggering off a depressive episode, which I seriously could have done without. I see him again soon, so we'll see if we can't do something about that. Dunno how much of that happiness you mentioned I deserve, but the universe doesn't seem willing to dish out any without a side order of crud. Sigh.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

The old mind has been wandering a bit, lately. Connecting dots, making sense of things that didn't really make a lot of sense. As usual, EM, things you have said (not necessarily to me personally) have sat with me and caught my attention and had me mulling things over in a new light. I'll come to that in a bit.

First of all, I'm seeing notable similarities in symptoms of ADHD and PTSD. I'm also seeing studies that link ADHD with a significantly increased likelihood of also dealing with PTSD. In large part that is linked to risk-taking behaviours leading to traumatic experiences, but I would argue that where that isn't the culprit, the inclination toward more intense emotions, hyper-fixation on negative events, sensory sensitivities and a generally overactive mind are all great at taking a traumatic experience and stuffing it in our faces real hard over and over again after the fact. I would argue also that simply being different, a bit tricky to understand by neuro-typical people, and struggling to function normally (i.e. be seen as a productive/effective/useful person) tips the balance toward maltreatment by others along the way, and what sort of thing induces trauma? Yep, that crap.

EM, the things you said that caught my attention were relating to schemas (I actually found something about it after a friend mentioned schema therapy, which was the golden keyword for my Google search - without it I got all sorts of random stuff coming up and didn't learn anything), and also you commented on J*'s thread about feeling emotionally safe in a relationship and able to be vulnerable. That all bubbled around for a while and I came to some conclusions.

I've continued to struggle with the ex's infidelity being the source of my probable PTSD. It seems so unworthy. On its own, maybe it is. But it isn't on its own. I thought about the emotional vulnerability thing. It isn't a relationship thing. It's an everyone thing. Prior to that relationship, I'd never had someone I could really let the walls down in front of. My parents modelled right off the bat that that wasn't going to be a thing for me. I was largely socially isolated, already had a couple of relationships gone bad behind me (Emotional Deprivation schema, I'm looking at you). With him, things finally seemed good. Not perfect, but good. I opened up a bit - not fully, but there was some healing. Then BAM, not just unreliability but outright betrayal. In that light, would anyone else hold up better? I dunno.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Whole bunch of stuff on some of the main threads I usually contribute to is triggering the hell out of me right now. Feeling like I have a distinct lack of safe places to discuss things of any importance, sense of isolation is off the charts. Retreating here for a while.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

so you may not be around for a bit, but I’ll be here when you get back.....

something you said back there struck a chord with me, about the whole becoming vulnerable thing in your r/ship, then the betrayal. It reminds me of what I’ve been feeling, very intensely at times, since my family- esp my sister- did their number with me. And the way I guess I just expected to be able to take it in stride. Well I didn’t at first, expect to take it in stride, but as it seemed to be the general expectation then I decided to try and play along. Didn’t work.
Anyway these days I find I struggle A LOT with trusting that others have a similar intention to build trust and openness. My recent struggles of feeling vulnerable in a new -ish friendship are pressing these very buttons, which altho not solely from recent years experiences, when layered on top of upbringing and .... life trauma, in the area of r/ships, twists my brain a bit.
I went from feeling so safe and surprised but happy in life... to... GIANT crash, down, down, down.
It feels like neural circuit overload, fried connections, and I’ve had to be very gentle with myself.
Big ramble, don’t know if that makes sense, but on some level I can relate.
Hope you’re doing some nice stuff for you, and that you know you WILL get thru this.
heaps of hugs,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I'm around, just may not venture out of this thread very much for a while. I've been knocked around a bit. I intend to address the triggers with the relevant people and step back and recoup.

I can definitely understand where you're coming from about your family, though my own FOO family situation is a bit different in its own messed up way. Whatever relationships such things occur in, they do damage and we view future relationships through a different lens.

The struggles you are having with making a new friend make every sense to me, though I think we approach the same trauma differently. I do kind of okay with being open - don't know if you've watched Game of Thrones to get the reference, but I have a Tyrion Lannister approach to that. He comments often on being a dwarf and the unloved son of his parents, as a kind of shield - he gets in first and takes the power from those who would hurt him with it. That's me, I guess. Where I fall down in friendships is not letting the emotion come with the openness, I am slow to get close, and quick to close off at any sign of the other person communicating less or doing anything that resembles past trauma. It's kind of interesting to pick apart.

I'm glad you are able to analyse your responses and feelings, and to be gentle with yourself. I, too, have been trying to give myself a bit of kindness to get through. It's partly working.

Hugs back to you (I admit I am hesitant and uncomfortable making these gestures for above reasons, but they are genuine).

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Started out today just wanting to get the bile out of my head, wanting to say my piece where needed to resolve the crud I'm feeling. It didn't go badly, and yet... I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling exhausted, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of being physically unable to shut up, and setting off lengthy conversations I don't have the energy for (whether or not they are productive for the reason I brought things up). Sometimes I really do hate myself - mostly for any interaction that has anything to do with me being vulnerable. It's supposedly not healthy to bottle things up, but so help me I felt better when I could turn my back on my own emotions. I loathe them. I loathe needing anything from other humans, I loathe my compulsion to try to fix everything I see that is amiss. I loathe being human, and everything about it. I need rest so badly, and my mind won't just shut up and let me. I loathe that, too.

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue

OKAY.

THANK YOU for sharing so much here.
I'm so PROUD of you doing that.

I'm GRATEFUL for the opportunity to hold space with you, as you have done for so long for me.

We could probably talk about your inner child "little blue" and Blue as a grown up in separate ways.
It's all connected but what we can do for healing each may be different at times.

Remember that phrase "Treat yourself as your own best friend would treat you" ???
I know for sure that I AM one of your best friends lol!!
You are one of mine and I doubt you'd EVER say the things you've just said on THIS page to ME, as you have yourself.

Would you?

No.

IF I CAME TO YOU shaking, trembling, holding back tears (as I so expertly do AND have to CHANGE)... saying my partner had an affair.... I don't know which way is UP... I can't concentrate on anything... I can't do my work... etc etc.

And you held my hands and could feel them shaking a whole year AFTER this event...

Would you deny that this event was traumatic for me?

No.

You would HEAR my words.
SEE my face.
FEEL my shaking hands.
And never deny it for ME.

We need to acknowledge it for YOU.

This IS exactly how it was for me.
My hands shook for 18 months after the "event" - which was my Discovery Day.
Returned soldier's hands shake at times...

Without judgement or COMPARISON but as a "shared human experience" we CAN say you are validated and justified in how your mind and body reacted to infidelity.

If you deny yourself this, you are invalidating it for others too.
But you don't deny it for others.

It's NOT weakness to let others in, it's courageous.
We have to be BRAVE enough to ALLOW ourselves to be vulnerable, so that we can experience JOY LOVE HAPPINESS and live a wholehearted life.

I'm poaching Brene Brown all the while here.

We can't comfort you IRL but you CAN comfort yourself!

Please accept the offerings of those around you that love and care for you too.

You are unique, important, loved.

Hugs
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Blue

I was in my garden with my chickens & I'm pretty sure they have esp with Puffballs lol!

I was thinking of you, trying to empathise with you about all the factors in play atm.

The meds journey: LOOK HOW BRAVE YOU ARE!
You tried one lot...
Then tried the next lot...

YOU are amazing, resilient, courageous, persevering.

Done in perfect Blue style!

It could be time for rest, recuperation, allowing whatever those meds did to alter you to a state of NOT what we wanted, for the chemicals to leave your system.... be kind to yourself.
Patience. It will leave.

Boundaries: I ADMIRE your sense of boundaries & putting them up to HEAL.

You know what works and what doesn't work. I LOVE that about you!

Done in perfect Blue style lol.

The cheating crap: I honestly feel that you haven't been able to openly share with others IRL about how this has impacted you. You haven't been VALIDATED for your reaction from others IRL. Hence you can't validate YOUR SELF over this. Hello over here! lol.

People are so dismissive IRL when it comes to this, not because they don't care. I think it's because they can't handle it themselves. They have no idea what to say or do to make you feel better. They feel POWERLESS - not a comfortable feeling for anyone lol!

If only they realised that all you needed from them was to LISTEN and NOT neglect you. (Schema Trigger).
To give you all the TIME you need to expel, purge, say whatever you have to say to get it all OUT. (Schema Trigger).

A significant POINT on Infidelity and the comparison (yeah I'm going there so I lied lol!) of OUR reaction & others "flipping it off as nothing" is MASSIVE.
A psych said to me 3 DAYS after my D Day because I literally thought I needed to be in an institution, I'd lost my mind...
sic bec it was a LONG time ago - "Your reaction is as deep as the INVESTMENT you put in to this relationship. Clearly you put ALL of yourself into it".

I had!
She was 100% right!

You said a significant thing when you described in a linear fashion HOW you finally came to invest in that person, for the first time in your LIFE. You began to TRUST. LOVE. Visualise a FUTURE with this person.

You had NEVER done this before! What a breakthrough!
I can see how you must have thought "Wow I've finally arrived" and began to BE comfortable with this relationship - AS YOU SHOULD because THIS is normal.

Then BAM. Obliterated. By him. 100% on him. All done. Gone.

PART 1. Woah.

Love EM (another Chump)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Dear EM,

I haven't done much talking with "Little Blue" (I think of her as "Mini Me"), honestly I don't know how. Adult Blue is a different story. I'm sure not my own best friend - I can be at times, but the stronger the ill feelings, the bigger jerk I am to myself. Go figure. If there's an inkling of ill feeling I can step back and go "Okay, time to do something nice for myself", and go play a game or something. When it ramps up, back comes the old anger, the desire to get my emotions back in their box where they can't be abused or neglected. Old instincts die hard.

Yes, you are one of my best friends, you have been nothing but beautiful and kind to me since the moment we met. Educational, too. Of course I wouldn't treat you how I treat me. I'm getting better with being kind to myself, but there are still moments. Bile, shame, revulsion at my own emotions. They're getting slightly easier to accept as I dig deeper and understand the Schemas, the (unconfirmed but likely) C-PTSD, the ADHD... the reasons it all runs so deep. I'm the sort of person who needs reasons.

I'm sorry your experience left you shaking for so long. It was different for me. A coldness in my gut, a steely resolve to fight (whatever may present itself to fight) at any reminders of the event, deep rage. But rage unresolved has its own consequences - enter clinical depression, oh yay.

Yeah, I know it's not weak to let others in, that's the upbringing talking. Objectively I know it all. But what we know logically and what we feel, that's a different ball game altogether.

Can I comfort myself? I dunno. Bit hazy on the how of that. I guess the boundaries you mentioned are a good start. Thanks for your encouragement there.

Re the meds: dunno how brave I am, but I don't wanna leave things as they are. So, try the new thing, see if it works. I gave them the stink eye as I picked up the packet, haha.

I've said more on the infidelity in my main thread. You're right I haven't been able to share much about it IRL, and about the level of investment in the relationship determining the damage it does. I'd invested something in previous relationships but always holding something back, I guess. I held less back that time, and boy did it backfire. Funny thing, he used to say of my aversions to many things (triggers from before him) that I had "'Nam flashbacks". Neither of us knew how right he was.

Blue.