PTSD from mum's cancer and brother's betrayal

[David35]

I've been experiencing intense panic/rage attacks lately. A few weeks ago I punched a door. I thought this was the end of it. Then again today. I have this anger built up over issues that have occurred in the past few years which I'll describe now.

Mum had cancer treatment for several years and in that time my brother, his wife and family stopped associating with mum and I. So I was not only dealing with the situation of mum's illness, but the betrayal. The problem is now that mum is better, I find that I can't talk or listen to certain topics, or else I go into a rage. It just gets too much. Illness, my brother's wife and her treatment of us have both deeply traumatised me. How can I deal with this? I get counselling, but whereas I've tried to compartmentalise it, mum keeps dragging up these uncomfortable feelings. I have very low tolerance and can't cope with too much stress

[David35]

Thanks I'll have a look.

[David35]

Everything you say is valid. The problem is my mum refuses to deal with her fears, insecurities and just expects everyone else to do it for her. Which is why if I mention something like this she'll end up saying no and possibly abusing me for suggesting it. But thanks for your help.

[therising]

Hi David

Completely understandable, not wanting to trigger your mum to possible upset. I think what we suggest to others has to be relatable in some way to them, especially if part to the goal is to experience some form of relief and progress for our self.

I've found part of the challenge in helping my parents has involved coming to know them better, coming to know their history to a greater degree. While my mum's a bit of stresser and quite a fearful person who experiences degrees of depression, I know it's not all about her failing health and loss of ability. There have been quite a variety of stressful, fearful and depressing experiences throughout her 85 years, starting from when she was a kid, in the lead up to what she now experiences. I can't just dismiss all that and expect her to become a stress free and fearless happy person all of a sudden.

Sometimes I have to find or imagine what would lead my mum to become stress free, fearless and happy. A simple example would involve a trigger that leads her to feel happiness, which would be the mention of a Devonshire tea. It's not that simple though. Now that she's in a wheelchair (for pain management reasons and loss of mobility), she'll stress and fear a lack of easy wheelchair access. She fears people will stare if she has too much trouble gaining easy access and she stresses about being 'too much of a burden to others'. Sometimes I'll manage by going ahead of time, making sure the cafe I pick has super easy access and plenty of space between tables or I pick a day where the weather's good and there's more space outdoors. Then when I suggest the place to her and tell her of what I've found, she's even happier while experiencing less fear and stress. She has a vivid imagination though and can't help but imagine it's not going to be as easy as what I suggest. I then have to help her manage her imagination, altering what she sees through it. While plenty of people may say 'Why do you go to so much trouble?', my response is 'It's no trouble at all when it comes to paving the way for someone I love to experience joy without stress or fear'. Fear and stress also promotes inflammation, so helping my mum manage her fears and stressors is part of natural therapy for pain management.

With physical health issues, there can also be so many mental health factors involved for those we love. It definitely tests and develops us, hey. We, who love so deeply, can continue being put to the test while others find it so much easier to walk away. At times, love can be far from a simple and joyful experience as we continue to grow through it.🙂

[David35]

Being able to see things through other people's perspective, mainly mum's, is not that easy for me. She has fears and traumas going all the way back to childhood when her father left her at such a young age. That's why she has these abandonment issues and fears losing me so much, particularly with dad gone now.

[therising]

Hi David

I imagine you to be one of your mum's greatest guides in life. If she can't see the way forward, you see it for her through the ways you imagine. If she can't feel the best way forward, you feel it for her in the ways of her gaining a sense of relief, a sense of joy and so on. If she can't hear the best way forward, you hear it (through your own inner dialogue) for her. As her seer, hearer and feeler you are her most reliable and beloved resource in life. Her fear of losing you is completely understandable.

I've found developing the practice of feeling for my mum to be heartbreaking at times. While I can feel the best way forward for her in positive ways, I have also developed the ability to feel her heartbreak throughout her life, to some degree. Of course, I could never feel it to the degree that she does but, nonetheless, I feel it at some level. That's the thing about practicing feeling for people, the more you practice the better you get at it. I think if someone had said to us when we were younger 'You will become so good at feeling for your mum to the point where it will hurt', we may have said 'What?! What are you talking about?'. But now we know, through experience and practice.

It's taken me a good number of decades to finally become one of those mind/body/spirit woo woo kinda gals. The reason why I just couldn't resist becoming like this is based on having found spiritual or soulful resources offering what feels relatable. While there may be psychological reasons or physical/biological reasons for why I feel life the way I do, to simply say 'I have practiced becoming and empath, without realising' helps me make greater sense of the ability to feel for others.

Mirror neurons and chemistry etc aside, I am 'a feeler' and there are challenges that come with that. I found soulful or spiritual resources to offer far more than psychological or physical/biological/chemical ones when it comes to how to manage being a feeler or an empath (if one chooses to call it that). How to lower or raise the volume of what can be felt, how to switch feeling off when need be, how to manage partly feeling in conjunction with logical analysis or how to manage not being able to feel at times is stuff that's just so important to know, when it comes to managing how we feel within our self, for others and how we feel life in general. Not sure if you've ever had the experience of 'What's wrong with me, why can't I feel anything. I think I'm broken?'. Definitely a challenging experience which can happen for a variety of really good reasons. While being a deeply feeling person in general, I've actually asked my kids on the odd occasion (when it comes to other people) 'Am I too switched off from feeling for that person?'. When self preservation's involved, it's not always easy to gauge whether we're too switched off. Constructive feedback from reliable sources (typically other feelers) can be a helpful thing at times.

[David35]

The problem is I feel what mum's feeling and vice versa. It's a pain in the butt, particularly because mum is emotional at times.

[therising]

Hi David

Definitely a challenge when highly sensitive people live together. While we can easily lead each other to laughter, based on being able to feel exactly the right thing to say in the moment, what we can do to each other's nervous systems (in the way of stress) is a whole other story. Myself and my kids are like this. While my daughter's respectful in being direct with me, such as with 'Mum, stop it. I can feel what you're doing to me. Stop getting worked up! I can feel your aggitation', my son tends to emotionally detach in a constructive and analytical way (something he gradually learned to do after years of bullying at school). And while, if I'm sad, my daughter has the most incredible hugs that are automatically soothing and liberating, my son's a non hugger but a brilliant comedian. He'll do whatever it takes to lead me out of sadness and into laughter. We just know how each other feels and what each other needs. Of course, there'll always be new lessons, new challenges. I'm sure you can relate when I say there can be so much love and respect when it comes to people really being able to feel for each other and serve each other's needs.

I think, no matter how much we feel for someone and their sense of sufferance, one of the hardest lessons can involve 'tough love', as opposed to gentle guidance. While we can understandably be feeling elements of sorrow for a part or parts of our self (aka feeling sorry for our self), we gotta be able to say to our self or others at times 'Okay, enough is enough. There's no more feeling sorry for yourself, it's just not achieving anything. What's the plan? What are we going to do?'. If tough love's not a well practiced thing, 'How to start practicing or exercising it in constructive non depressing ways?' can be the question. I think everyone's got an inner commander, a part of them that dictates 'There'll be none of this feeling sorry for yourself soldier! I want to see results and I won't settle for anything less that results!!!'. If our inner commander's never been channeled to life, 'How to start channeling?' can be yet another question. I've found one of the positive things about this facet of self is it insists on self discipline.

I think with the 'tough love' thing, it pays to tell the person 'We're going to be working with tough love, so be prepared'. Btw, it's the kind of love that at times can be tough to manage for both parties, the person dishing out and the person receiving it.

[David35]

I tried the tough love approach when mum convinced herself she had bowel cancer a few days ago. But it just ends in arguments because she lives in this emotionally constructed world far devoid of facts. ie no symptoms, reassurances from doctors. But because her mum passed away from bowel cancer with no symptoms, she's convinced herself the same thing is going to happen to her.

But the betrayal factor took things to a whole new level. Boxing day and my brother's wife didn't even turn up because she didn't feel like it. The unfounded animosity this woman has towards mum and I is beyond belief.

[therising]

Hi David

It must be a dreadful experience for your mum, so full of dread and fear. Has she mentioned anything that would bring her some sense of ease? Often, people can point to a sense of ease through their wishes. Kind of like 'I wish I had my mind put at ease on a more regular basis (a more regular basic screening)' or 'I wish I could find someone who could change my way of thinking (a particular type of guide)'.

If someone had said to me when I was a kid 'You're imagination is going to present major problems for you at times when you grow up', I would never have believed them. I'd have thought how great my imagination is and how full of wonderful things it is but it's not until we get older that we realise how the imagination can be a hard thing to manage and how it can be filled with dreadful things that really play on our fears. It can become a major issue when the imagination is triggered by some aspect of our self that just loves to show us the worst through it.

As a tag team, the analyst and the pessimist in us can sound like

• Inner analyst: Let's have a look at things, based on what the medical world says. Now that you've had this disease, you're in a high risk category. With a family history, this increases the risk even more
• Inner pessimist: It's true, you're high risk. You're definitely going to get it again, it's just a matter of time. What are you going to do when this happens. Just imagine it
• Inner analyst: Chances are it won't happen again and you'll never have a repeat of things. Chances are you'll live a long and healthy life but it's important to continue being screened for this disease
• Inner pessimist: You know what your luck's like. You'll definitely get it. Now, imagine what happens when you do

While the pessimist can be helpful in the way of self preservation, leading us to see the worst so that we can manage everything needed to not reach that point, it also has a darker side to it when it completely takes over. And it doesn't matter what anyone says to us, in the way of positive facts, once the pessimist in us completely takes over it can get such a grip on us.

I may have mentioned having once heard how consciousness constantly shifts, we just don't realise unless it shifts in a way that's outstanding. For example, if we're short of money it may suddenly shift to trigger the financial manager in us. If the adventurer in us is led to be channeled, consciousness will shift toward seeking adventure. If we come to meditate on solutions to heartfelt problems, it can shift toward soulful ways of thinking. When the pessimist is in play (full time), triggering the imagination in terrible ways, that's where consciousness remains until it is shifted. The million dollar question, 'Exactly what will shift it?'.

[David35]

The only thing that will reassure mum is getting a colonoscopy, due in a month. You're right. Her imagination just runs rampant thinking up all these dreadful scenarious. But the worst part is the way my bro and his wife have virtually "cancelled" us. I've been incredibly hurt, something that I struggle to deal with on a daily basis. At the heart of it is the way they turned their backs on me when mum got cancer, which caused a lot of anxiety and I believe, PTSD.  Mum keeps pointing out the obvious all the time "they caused it", which retraumatises me all the time. It's the pessimist in her. She keeps looking for people to blame, trying to understand their motives. I genuinely believe they were expecting mum to die so they could get their hands on their inheritance, that's how cold it is. So I know they caused this hurt, but it's my job to get better. And punching doors isn't the answer. But by the same token, being subjected to these stupid comments she makes all the time "It's all their fault" makes me feel helpless. And I refuse to give them that much control over my life.
The other problem is I feel so sorry for mum. She has been so generous over the years. On Boxing Day, none of the kids even thanked mum for her financial gifts. I've just seen that my bro and his wife (moreso her) are users. It's at total odds to how they were loving, caring when dad died. When dad was sick, they were completely different people. But when mum got sick, it's almost as if they were just waiting on the money, which hasn't arrived because she survived. This realisation of itself is sickening and although it's just my opinion, I know that until I accept it, that I will never get over this betrayal. Because I believe this mindset to be behind the coldnesss. In other words, the mask has fallen off and I've seen what they truly are. A pair of vultures just circling above mum's head.