PTSD from mum's cancer and brother's betrayal

David35 · ‎14-12-2023

I've been experiencing intense panic/rage attacks lately. A few weeks ago I punched a door. I thought this was the end of it. Then again today. I have this anger built up over issues that have occurred in the past few years which I'll describe now.

Mum had cancer treatment for several years and in that time my brother, his wife and family stopped associating with mum and I. So I was not only dealing with the situation of mum's illness, but the betrayal. The problem is now that mum is better, I find that I can't talk or listen to certain topics, or else I go into a rage. It just gets too much. Illness, my brother's wife and her treatment of us have both deeply traumatised me. How can I deal with this? I get counselling, but whereas I've tried to compartmentalise it, mum keeps dragging up these uncomfortable feelings. I have very low tolerance and can't cope with too much stress

therising · ‎15-12-2023

Hi David

To meet with the peak of our tolerance levels can be a horrible experience in some cases. Trying to make sense of it all can be just as horrible when there's not a lot of people supporting us in making sense of it all. It can really start of feel lonely and sometimes incredibly enraging. My inner 'intolerant cow' (as I like to call her) can sound like a ranting out of control foul mouthed maniac some days. If only people could hear what was going on in my head, they'd be shocked by the level of rage and profanity. I think we gotta find ways of managing that level of intolerance and rage. Not sure how right now but I know the need is there, to find ways. Btw, I give credit to my inner sage that can sound a little like 'You have got to calm down, this is seriously not good for your nervous system. It's on the verge of making you sick'.

I found at times there can be a lot of issues going on at once. To offer an example, in an attempt to make some sense of things

We can be in the process of reaching the peak of our tolerance, even spilling over into intolerance, while trying to manage and make greater sense of it all
While others may have left us to deal with what's too stressful and/or depressing for them, we may have been managing what's stressful and/or depressing largely on our own. As they say, 'A problem shared is a problem halved'
We can be run down on top of it all, in real need of recharging without any stress being involved during the recharge stage
We can be in need of some serious skills, perhaps for the first time in our life. Not knowing exactly which skills we need to bring into play and practice can be incredibly frustrating
I find my imagination can play a major part at times. If I can only imagine stressful things to come, it can lead me to become incredibly stressed and even resentful of others at times. The resentment can sound a little like 'Why can't people lead me to see and feel some form of relief?'. It would be nice to be able to see, through our imagination, others taking over what's stressful or others raising us to feel a sense of joy and peace. I think when we've gotten into the practice of having to manage the way forward for others, it develops the seer in us. We've had to develop the ability to see how we're going to manage our time when helping others, how to best help manage their mental and/or physical health, how to problem solve for/with them, how to raise them through certain challenges etc. Now that the seer in us is well and truly alive and perhaps in overdrive, a new challenge arrives - How to develop the seer in us that can lead us to see the best way forward, as opposed to only leading us to see or pre-empt what's potentially stressful (so that we can manage problems ahead of time, so that they don't become major issues). The seer in us is capable of revealing many different paths for us to see, when it comes to the way forward. I've found the best guides in life (especially when I'm in the dark) are the ones who can lead me to begin seeing in the ways I really need to

David35 · ‎19-12-2023

I think the hard part is defining what I can control and what I can't.

I can't control how people treat me. I can try to, by having boundaries. But in the end my self worth isn't defined by others.
I can't control what people talk about. But I'm learning to cope with these stressful feelings.
I can't control mums mental health.

therising · ‎20-12-2023

Hi David

While control can be defined as 'effective management', I think sometimes it pays to ask 'How can I manage this?' or even 'What is it (in this situation) that I can effectively manage?'. Taking it up a notch, 'What skills do I need to effectively manage?'. Also, I think there are times where the only way to manage is through having gained hindsight. I find that sometimes I don't know how to manage until I'm in a state of reflection after a particular event or set of events. Then it becomes about developing a particular skill or set of skills for when a similar situation rolls around.

Distraction can be a handy skill to have. While our parents may be fully focused on certain fears when it comes to their health, 'Have you considered how interactive all your body's systems are?' can be a distraction from their fears. While they may be fully focused on a decline in their health, the idea of considering how the nervous systems interacts with the immune system, for example, can help shift things beyond fear and into a state of wonder. They're 2 very different feelings, 2 different states of consciousness or awareness. 'Your immune system loves it when your nervous system is happy' can add to that sense of wonder. 'How can you serve both systems at the same time?'. Then it becomes about brainstorming for ideas. Of course, our parents can be just as stubborn as their kids at times 😁 so a good question or trigger phrase when a parent says 'I'm not going to think about that kind of stuff' can be 'What have you got to lose by opening your mind?'. David, once our parents' minds shift, we're the ones that can feel the shift. So, it comes as a relief to both them and us. We've gone from feeling their fears to feeling their sense of wonder. We've gone from feeling our frustration and perhaps anger to feeling their sense of wonder. All easier said than done of course, creating that shift, especially given how deep their fears can be at times.

I think while many of us can lose our sense of wonder and imagination to some degree as we get older, our parents are no exception. Getting them to exercise such things can be about helping them redevelop skills they once had.

David35 · ‎23-12-2023

I'm hearing you. She had an appointment with her GP yesterday about getting more anti-anxiety medication. The GP asked her about getting counseling. I've been suggesting it for years. She gets depressed because I'm not getting better "quick enough", yet she has only come to realise that her own stubbornness to seek psychological help has affected my own mental health. Ideally, I shouldn't be dependent on mum so much and vice versa. But this is the unfortunate problem of living with a parent. I've often had to simply go for a walk, get out of the house when she's in these moods because it becomes unbearable.

She mentions she may consider counseling in the new year because she's finally realised that using me as an emotional dumping ground has made things worse. It's only taken 2 years for her to realise this... Usually I would be abused for suggesting this and she would throw a temper tantrum. So I'm thankful that her GP finally said something. Most counsellors say that I can't manage her mental health. That's all well and good but they don't live with her. I do.

therising · ‎23-12-2023

Hi David

So glad there's some sense of progress. As they say 'Consciousness is the first step toward change'. It's great the GP was able to lead your mum to become more conscious of the need for her to speak to someone, as a way of serving mental wellbeing for the both of you. While I imagine it would have been ideal for her to have become more conscious of this earlier in the piece, when you suggested it to her, when we're just about tearing our hair out it gets to the point of simply meeting the objective (no matter where the prompt comes from). This is something to look forward to in the new year.

David35 · ‎25-12-2023

very true. She's been in denial for so long. Hopefully it will help her, and then flow onto me. It's hard trying to "parent" your parents.

therising · ‎26-12-2023

Hi David

Definitely hard in a lot of ways

Having to develop new ways of managing our emotions and behaviours and theirs
Having to change some of our belief systems. One of the hardest would have to be 'I can't speak firmly at my parent/s. I can't tell them what they have to do' (aka firm yet respectful and caring direction). I find this more so with my dad as his dementia worsens
Observing and feeling their fears and dwindling confidence and self esteem
Accepting the challenge may get harder in some ways
Becoming their guide in more and more ways and having to practice thinking outside the square at times, a practice well worth developing

and the list goes on.

Just like how our parents weren't fully prepared when it came to raising us, as the tables turn and we become that person for them, can be such a tough 'learn as you go' experience. While there are times where I feel like I don't want to continue being a 'parent' for them, there's a part of me that reminds me 'They never gave up on you, no matter how challenging you became'. This same part of me also reminds me 'Easy to raise people during the easy times. Reaching deep in the truly hard times becomes the ultimate test'. 🙂

David35 · ‎26-12-2023

The hardest part is accepting her reclusive behaviour, her sadness, grief at times, fears of the cancer coming back, etc. On and on it goes. I wish she was her "old self" but the realisation that she's changed as a result of her bladder cancer treatment is often hard to accept. Maybe it's me who needs to change.

therising · ‎27-12-2023

Hi David Wondering whether the Australian Cancer Survivorship Centre (ACSC) might help offer some insight, for yourself and your mum. They have a variety of online resources. When it comes to my dad, one of the things that made a difference involved being able to access resources that could offer us (his kids) guidance, when it comes to some of the challenges we just never expected to face with his dementia. In my dads case, Id heard about Alzheimers grief and dementia grief for family members of those who suffer but thought Id never feel that grief myself, until I felt it for the first time. It was really surprising and somewhat confusing, the feelings involved. Alzheimers Australia and Dementia Australia have so many online resources and thanks to these organisations I found so much that resonated with me and helped me make sense of what we, as his kids, were experiencing in regard to the grief side of things. They also help explain a lot of the other emotions we've felt from time to time (frustration, resentment, guilt etc). ACSC or a similar organisation may be able to help offer you and your mum insight you> both need, revealing some common and not so common struggles for survivors of cancer and their carers. I think being able to find resources that can help us make sense of how we're feeling and why we're suddenly thinking in the ways we are can be a step in the right direction. For cancer survivors, so much focus (during treatment) on not dying doesn't really tackle the challenge of how to come back to life or return to life in a variety of ways. Thats a whole new chapter. It's a chapter I hope you both are able to begin writing with some guidelines/resources.