PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[littleboots]

Hey Croix,

It's just going on 0200 but I cannot sleep. Thanks for responding to me..again. You're an interesting person. I find you interesting. Don't take this the wrong way but it's because you're former MOPF and now have ptsd and are retired out. Those three things are something never found in another living sole. Have you? Do you know of lots like you?

Anyway today I got totally fed up with myself being at home alone. So drove many km's to stay with my sister. She's got three terrifying kids - I mean they're great but omg I'm glad they're not mine. She's so calm in the face of such chaos it's very strange.

She knows I've got ptsd but she never talks about it. But, I still feel like she understands a little bit more than others. She has very high expectations of me and that helps. I get to look after the kids and do things with her and them. And curiously, they like me, even though I'm the grumpy Aunt whom they are constantly challenging. But that's kids I guess.

I've been doing a lot of research online re service dog training particularly h/d. I'm at the stage where I am going to go to a free seminar by a organisation that does the full dog training thing and then if I completed that ok - about a year, I would select an elective in the area I want to specialise. Get a dog and train it up for myself rather than wait for the organisation to do it all for me. You know, take back some control - that kind of thing.

So, I was pacing myself to go do that the next few nights and almost as soon as I got to my sisters today I got a msg that a h/dog has become available and I had to make a decision if I wanted it. Hell Yes!!

But fate is a fickle creature don't you think Croix?

So, I'm still going to do the course. It might be what I need to give me some purpose, direction etc. My sister is a vet & she reckons I'm ok with dogs. I do like them a lot. Mostly I like the fact that they're honest. Dogs and horses are my thing. Horses are a bit more work to look after in the sense that they're needs are big & really $ Dogs - well, I can afford one and love and train many. Maybe even help other humans do the same?

I dunno.. but I've got to do something. So I'm going to explore this more & at least see where it takes me.

Tomorrow I'm going with the kids to some sort of museum. Give me strength. Then to the pics & food.

Hopefully by the time tomorrow night comes I will be able to sleep.

Thanks Croix - take care,

Littleboots

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots~

Thank you for that last post, not becsue you find me interesting (bit like a weird specimen in a jar perhaps) but becuse it was such a positive and honest post. It gives ME encouragement and hope.

Like you I'm writing after 12.

Now I'm very pleased you have the opportunity to get a h/dog, it is indeed what you need.

However I am delighted you are going to do the course. I'd expect it will give you control, as you say, plus occupation, accomplishment, challenge and the knowledge that you are contributing to society. I did similar.

I find it a familiar thing, my wife is step-grandmother to my grandson, and is much stricter than his parents. She'll take him to the movies or bike ride or whatever and stands no nonsense, no "gimme's" at the candy bar or similar. Just generally please and thank you and may I are all enforced, yet he is constantly pleading to see more of her.

I think a consistent, if a trifle stern approach together with fun (my wife will try to understand the latest computer game in which my grandson is a maestro) and animals show love, attention and concern. The kid blossoms

Sounds like your sister's kids react the same way

Horses humph. Used to exercise race horses in my youth. They were all convinced a piece of paper blowing along the ground was a horse eating monster in disguise, and were experts at picking up the one nail in a 10 acre paddock -hence wealthy vets. Plus if they stood on your foot it hurt!

I know a couple of people who have PTSD, depression and anxiety. One has remained in a state police force, recovered to the extent of being back in, remaining sworn and on HQ duties (I'm green with jealousy, in my day you were OUT!)

The other is not good, however his previos occupation has an awful lot to do with that, and I do not have permission to go into detail about that person

I'm very well aware being a female in a force is a very hard row to hoe, I would not be surprised if that played a part in your condition

Having high expectations of you (like you have) and knowing of your condition but not speaking that much about it sounds like a recipe that is good for you in this instance. Actually I found my wife understanding was not necessary. The times I did tell her what was in my head greatly disturbed her so I mostly shut up

I would say how I felt (obvious anyway) without giving details. It worked well. My wife learned by trial and error if I needed solitude, comfort, or normality.

No space left

Croix

[Old_Kiwi]

Hi, I’m new to this forum and on reading though some comments i came apron your post. It was very eye opening for me because you used so many words and phrases that could have come straight from me. I also very much appreciate the responses from Croix’s apparently experienced perspective

I have lived with PTSD for 7 years now as a result of my occupation, I worked as a care giver in the out of home residential care system so I consider myself to have been a second responder rather than a primary one, however the accumulated and vicarious trauma that have left me damaged you may have empathy with?

I have had a crappy “festive season”, feeling so disconnected, like you I live alone, my family now grown . It’s hard to keep on fighting this , I’m so sick of the frantic dog paddling trying to keep from drowning in the solitude and darkness

Old Kiwi

[Croix]

Dear Old Kiwi (with a friendly wave to Littleboots)~

I've posted to you in your own thread:

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Battling

Croix

[littleboots]

Hello Old Kiwi,

Thank you for responding to my post. It's good to meet someone who also understands the feelings that we are not supposed to let out into the wider world.

I think it's amazing that so many of us are to a great extent used as cannon fodder whilst the rest of society moves on and doesn't appreciate what may be happening under their noses. But perhaps it's always been that way and I'm pissed off because I'm not able to do exactly that anymore.

I can only imagine the drama and issues you have experienced and witnessed in your occupation. That's a very full on job with loads of responsibility and so many random things happening. I couldn't have done that.

Oh.. yes Old Kiwi.. I have empathy for you and the damage you have no doubt suffered. Without question when people are distressed, stressed & suffering and you're the one having to keep some sort of order it's very hard. It's sure to spill over into your psyche and there's the accumulation of experiences too.

We have many things in common Old Kiwi. Not so sure if that's good but it's still nice to meet you.

A couple of years ago I read a book about living alone. I do like to call it living with myself now. It's a solitary life for sure but I think I've gone too far to live with anyone again. I've been on my own for a long time now. I might be completely spoilt and as they say, 'set in my way'.

I'm not sure but if there is anyone around me that has ptsd they do a damn good job at hiding it too. It's such a private thing. Well it is for me so I'd probably not be drawn to someone who yells it from the rooftops anyway.

The frantic dog paddling is exhausting and seems futile. But honestly if it keeps you afloat for a while then that's what you do. That's what I do too.

I am incredibly lonely, but also very anxious around people. It's as if I no longer belong at all. I've lost the means to communicate normally now? I know I can write and like I told Croix I'm very much into dogs and horses but they're not humans. I wonder if I will ever re-enter the real world.

So again, absolutely I can grasp & understand what seven years of ptsd will do to your soul Old Kiwi, I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I guess with the festive season, well it's over so that's a good thing imo.

Take care & talk again soon,

Littleboots

[Old_Kiwi]

Hi Littleboots

Thank you for responding, I’m pleased to meet you. It is good to connect with someone that understands and has some insight both for where I am, and the journey that bought me here. I very much empathise with the cannon fodder feeling, I wonder if its because I based myself so much about prioritising others needs and feelings that its so hard to not go what the heck when its your needs and feelings left in space?

I had a profound moment when a “throwaway” response to me whilst in my latest uproar was...” I don’t know what you want me to contribute”, and I realised that I have NEVER asked myself , or anybody really, what I can contribute, I have just always assumed that I can always contribute something and never waited to be asked. The comment really made me question my lifetimes values and ethics, what can I say? And it came from a family member. However, although I cant watch what is happening around us with the bushfires , it has been awe inspiring to realise that there are so many people who just put their hands up when needed. I/we are not alone in wanting to care for others and it STILL is the person that I want to be. But Littleboots, This year, 2020, I’m going to learn how to apply that care to ME!

Ive found helping hands with you, and some responses from Croix who you talk with, He seems a wise soul. It has helped me to talk with you both and know that you know!!!

I’m feeling a bit more hopeful today, I saw a new GP yesterday, I didn’t have to give him a reference of terms!!!! He spoke my language, knows and acknowledges the circumstances of my journey and seems to really know PTSD. Please let it be !

I’m very much hearing you about the loneliness, I have felt so isolated and its always magnified over the “festive season” when there is so much pressure for connection. Like you I retreat into solitude when I’m anxious. It sounds like you live in the country? I grew up on a farm so I appreciate your connection with animals, I have just started to explore assistance/therapy dogs but I’m a bit hesitant that I wont be consistent enough for a dog. Thoughts? I have a cat but dogs need so much more.

Im starting to realise that there is a line between sanctuary and sole confinement. They use sole confinement to break people, am I contributing by always retreating? Sanctuaries have doors with keys, I need to start opening doors! And I have begun that here , with you.

Thanks

Old Kiwi

[littleboots]

Hello Old Kiwi,

I'm so pleased to hear you say that this year is going to see you start delving into self-care. It's quite the revelation to realise that we forgot ourselves. Isn't it?

I recall a psychdoc telling me early into my diagnosis "you have to learn to stop & do nothing for a while" . Well I was aghast at that notion! Me? Stop? Do nothing?

He laughed & then we played cat & mouse for a long time with the do nothing notion. I resolutely refused, he continued to insist, eventually I was forced to face it or more accurately, myself.

What he meant was learn to look after yourself first. How could I have forgotten to do that? Why did I have to break so badly to learn that? I must be quite thick!

Yes I live in the country. The city has too many memories. I can visit, but always confine myself. No triggers & don't stress myself with places that still harbour ghosts.

Dogs are strange creatures. Btw cats like me too but I don't like them as much back! Dogs do require input however amazingly they give back so much more than they take.

I'm finding I need a dog right now and into the future. I'm being forced to crack open the door to let one in and then slamming it shut!

If you are indeed solitary, a dog would be ideal. They love doing the one on one though they will draw you out into the real world too. They're loyal, kind, funny, smart & oh so honest! Everything I like in a person really. Huh?

I do understand about the self-care concept Old Kiwi. It's hard to do though. I try to make good habits. Exercise, sleep, food, self-talk. But, I'm not good at keeping it up. It seems I like to self-sabotage myself. Though I've worked out some of what is good for me, I don't do it regularly to reap the whole benefit. A dog will help me there too.

I think I'm discouraged by the fact that none of it will cure me. I struggle with that.

Sorry I've had a major anniversary & another coming in a few days. It's a bad time of the year for me but the whole year is dotted with stuff too. A thick cloud of depression is closing in on me & as much as I know it's there and resist it descending, it will. ugh!

Good job on finding a GP whom you can connect with. Keep it going.

So glad you've come here & I've met you Old Kiwi.

Come again soon,

Take care,

Little Boots

[littleboots]

Hey Croix,

I've had horses stand on my feet and I suspect they bloody knew they were too! They do cost too much these days so when I get the itch, I hire a reasonable one for a day. I've ridden all through the high country. It's on fire right now.

I've got a few weeks before my h/dog arrives. Got to get ready!

I'm also envious of all of the strategies that seem to be in place to help traumatised MOPF to stay in the job. For me, I was required to be 'fully operational' to remain. So unfair imo.

I miss my job so much Croix. Right now I'm listening to multiple sirens wailing and feeling the old rush. My area is still very much under threat.

Looked right into the course and it was a scam/sham. So I will look into TAFE courses instead. Plus when I get my dog I'll push myself to take her to formal dog things.

Though btw at the course I did meet this rather handsome guy lol... But alas he was way too young for me. He agreed about the course/fees so there's that. I'll not ever see him again lol so that's bad.

Being a female in the force presented many, varied challenges yeah you hit the nail there Croix. Whilst I was young, fit and healthy it was a challenge to be constantly challenged I think. Or, it was never really talked about. After many years it became tiring & unnecessary but some never learn. They never helped at all.

I'm quite angry right now. Or, I oscillate between anger and deep sadness. Perhaps they are actually the same emotion. Unresolved anger simmering inside = depression.

Both my dr's are away again so trying to manage myself better. I've started swimming again which I've got to admit, my brain kind of likes. Well the part that likes me to exercise at least.

How do you handle your anger Croix?

Take care,

little boots

[Emergency_services_worker]

This is my first post I don’t even know if I’m doing this correctly. I work in emergency services - I walked out of work this week in tears. I was diagnosed with ptsd recently. And Being in denial about it for a year or 2. I guess I felt relieved I have something to work towards. But right now. Right now I’m so stressed. I have no skillset outside of this. I’ve lost a lot of my friends from the isolation. I’m single and (in my 30’s. Young for a claim, I know. I used to be so happy. Love life, now I feel I have nothing, and going through putting in a claim while not even knowing if I have a future in this same job. I feel hopeless. Will I be employable after this? Will my doctor support me even though my psychologist does. I have no trust in anyone.
Will I ever be happy again? I know I have work to do for my own growth. And I know I have a great family. But right now I feel alone. Like I’m drowning. A loser. And I’ll end up on the street. I’m barely surviving financially as it is. And I am heart broken. What jobs can you do after being in the public service dealing with life and death. I haven’t even looked at the forms. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’ve been doing this for nearly 12 years. I’m good at what I do. But I don’t think I can step back into that workplace. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. People ask me what do I like. I have no idea.
Anyone who has left from first responders to new completely different jobs after claims - can you please help. Even my boss said when handing me the forms that there’s a stigma. She’s not going to sugarcoat it. So I can’t really sleep right now. I should of kept my mouth shut and tears to myself in my car on breaks and bedroom at home. But I couldn’t anymore.

Is anyone out there who works as a first responder and going through tough times. Right now? Or has any advice? I’ve been in the job for 12 years straight out of high school pretty much. No other skills. And putting in a claim. I’m scared. I have the forms. I have the diagnosis from my pysch. I haven’t been to the dr yet for my cert of no capacity. My gp has left interstate and I have no idea where he is: my file is at the practice with all my details but I don’t trust anyone anymore Will the new dr support me? Or because I am a new patient will the dr think I’ll be too much paperwork? I don’t know 😞 I don’t understand the process. My psychologist will report back to them I know that much at least.
is there a life outside of emergency services? I have no uni degrees. I feel I have nothing. I have posted on a few different forums with no response. Have I made a big mistake. Is there really still that stigma when applying for new jobs. I don’t know what Its like. I have been unwell and unhappy for so long. Even now I have to remember to ‘breathe’

Any reply would be great.

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots~

Of course I miss the job too, every time I see a cop or cop car. Or when there is something I would have investigated etc etc.. It changes you forever and the best you can do is try and attach less and less importance to those yearnings of grief and loss. Yes it was unfair, dumped if not quickly back to 100%.

Memory is a wonderful thing , what I see is not the reality, not the double, even triple shifts, not the always on call, not the don't care attitudes, not ... well you know it all as well as I.

I was guilty of not taking female cops seriously at the start, took me a number of years to realize I was off-base. I also came to see for some there was no choice but to have a more senior as a shield. For others put-downs and constant unwanted attention of every kind. Even simple tasks became walks down thorny paths.

I built a new life, starting by avoiding all contact with anything police for very many years, even half way real cop shows on TV or the movies. I studied as I expect I've said, then became an educator, which had its own set of problems, now active in Mental Heath. They plus family have overshadowed those yearnings so they are there, but distant and unrealistic.

Anger was good in some ways, directed at the life and controllers I left behind, made me try harder when I wanted to chuck the books. The hard part was ensuring it was not directed at those that did not deserve it. I guess my concern or love helped me there.

It helped me give up smoking too.

You have not lost your discernment, you recognize a polished scam, and revert to tried and true - I'm not surprised.

I see you have not really lost interest in being with another. At what stage does someone become too young? I guess when things can't be shared, when their life experience omits so much that is familiar to you and attitudes are 100% out of synch. If there is half a chance to get to know someone pounce!

I remarried despite the works, all the mental health conditions, and not even a job. 21+ years later we are still in love. (My first partner passed away). She has helped enormously. You mention self-sabotage when trying for the best lifestyle, another can help motivate just by being there. I suspect a dog to look after will do much the same, if in a different capacity.

I still have the anger, mostly under control, still can well up at stupidity or cruelty more than the occasion warrants. That does me no favors.

I'm out of words, I enjoy talking with you

Croix