PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[littleboots]

Hello there Em Serv Work Female,

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are atm. But at the same time well done on being so brave to see what is happening with yourself & acknowledging it. That's a big step.

I had to be dragged kicking, screaming, forced into ill health retirement. Most undignified actually. I'd not recommend that.

Is there any chance you can shift laterally within your rank to a position that is off the street and relatively stable? I'm not familiar with force policy anymore, essentially one that removes you from further trauma?

A good GP should be able to refer you to a psychiatrist. A psydoc can prescribe some meds for your symptoms & if he's good, guide/support you through reports/forms & cert's.

Yes there are plenty of people I knew who voluntarily left the force for a variety of reasons and have gone on to be really happy.

Tbh I wasn't one of them though. I hung in there too long, watched them go & was broken by the time I left.

May I suggest that you don't look at what other FR have done to determine what you want to do. This is your life, so your choice & the good news is you do definitely have choices. If you don't know what you want, go talk to some career counsellors at your local university or TAFE. Nothing is off the table at your age.

Is a return to study an option? Or, take a rest & do a job where somebody else does the thinking. Buy yourself some time to heal?

FR's have loads of skills, bc many skills makes a FR good at what they do. Don't run yourself down.

If you've had a gut full you don't have to stay & there's no shame in leaving if that's what you want to do.

Most of all, right now, take it one day at a time. Get back into a routine. Eating, sleeping & exercise. Your brain will love you for it. I'm not joking. You can start your recovery right now by doing just that. Gently go back to basics. It will definitely help you slow down that racing mind and think more clearly. What you want is out there and is achievable.

I doubt you've lost all of your friends but remember relationships are a two way deal. If you're tired deal with tiredness first. The stigma that goes with mental health disorders is bad. You may lose some 'friends' but honestly, were they really? If you must stay in a job to stay friends then no.

Your mental & physical health is more valuable than what they think & the job.

I'm really glad you've reached out here. Come back, let us know how you are going if you want to.

Take care,

littleboots

[Croix]

Dear Emergency services worker female~

I'd like to join Littleboots in welcoming you here and have to say that Littleboots has got it exactly right, leaving me little to say except that gettng out of a situation that is toxic to you under your own steam is better than being pushed out without any control, which can happen if you leave matters too long.

12 years as a FR is no mean feat, 30 not young for a claim at all. While years ago there was stigma I honestly believe now matters have turned around. As an ex-policeman with the usual suspects, PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety, I am normally met with understanding and people I work with are mindful that stress can be to much and are careful as a result.

I could envisage no other life than being in the police and when it came to an end I thought I had ended too. It was not the case. My life turned in a completely unexpected direction and I became an educator. Like you when I left the force I had no civilian qualifications, but getting those, though slow, was my pathway to a better life. The actual study was good for me giving occupation, identity and achievement as well as interaction with others.

I'd echo Littleboots advice to get help filling in the forms and dealing with your situation, not trying to go it alone when there is experience out there . It may well be there are other opportunities within your service which might suit.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Old_Kiwi]

Hi Em Services worker.

I am new to this forum, so I was a bit hesitant to reply initially. I am really pleased to see the responses from Croix & Littleboots . I have just met them myself and I know from that they will both understand the specifics of being a FR and some of the situations that have brought you here. I was not a Mopf, I was “injured” in my role as a residential out of home care worker, juveniles. I used to pick them up from you guys and take them home. But whatever, however, it is about the accumulated and vicarious trauma, one incident at a time, until we are where we are. I so glad that you have found this forum at the beginning of your journey, I have lived with PTSD for 7 years and only linked up last week. It has helped me so much to find understanding and acknowledgement here and to feel less alone. Please keep on coming back here, I’m sure it will help you too.I have trust there is comfort for you here too.

Im really hopeful that your fears re stigma in your occupation are unfounded. I’m finding that awareness of, and attitudes to mental health are changing. And even if your time there IS done, it not the end. Irrespective of your particular occupation, there are return to work and retraining opportunities within Workcover. You have acquired many skills in your time as a member, skills that are valuable and will be transferable to other occupations.

But now, take a deep breath. It’s time to put your needs first. I know that’s not how you think, you always look after others first. You need to do that for you. Think of all the kind words of encouragement, of comfort and solace that you have given to others, positive words in spite of the worst circumstances. Now say them to yourself.
You are a good person, you already know how to give. You’ve spent years doing it. Now give that attention and care to yourself for a bit. You deserve it. You matter.

Take care.

Old Kiwi.

[Old_Kiwi]

Hi Littleboots

Ive just been reading your response to Em Services Worker,I have responded too.

The advice you gave in response to that was pretty on point. It Gave me reason to take a breath and assess. Is it coincidental that we both feel a need to reach out? Or are our instincts still very much intact? I reckon it’s both of these. We both, it seems, have the desire/need to help others. Then why do I have difficulty in applying all of the good advice apparently within me to myself?

Anyway, I’m taking it as a good thing that at this moment, in my head, it’s NOT all about my shit. It’s a bit perverse thought that I only realise that because today, thankfully, I can stand apart from myself and look back at the depths.
the trick is in maintaining that feeling, it’s very elusive isn’t it.

Heres hoping you feel strong today too.

Old Kiwi

[littleboots]

Hey Old Kiwi,

I completely agree with your outlook and I know that applying the same amount of self-discipline to my own life is really very difficult. It's always easier to see what others should do. Yuk!

I seem to do a lot of inner self-talk to ease my way through life. I'm not sure if others do this too. I will see something that is making me uncomfortable or I just don't want to be around and I'll 'direct' myself away etc.

I found out recently that some people don't have that inner narrative of thinking. I'm not sure I completely understand because if I didn't 'hear' myself think, would I think? Blah!?

Helping others? I spent a lot of time training & doing just that. It must be my personality or something because I feel connected to the rest of humanity when I do. However, unfortunately I cannot do that anymore. No point pretending.

Actually I'm having a difficult time helping myself, hence my presence here? So I am surely quite arrogant to imagine I can help anyone else.

My ptsd is so cyclic and I want to calm it down. I need to learn to do that desperately. I'm being rolled by anniversaires atm. Hanging on but so sad too.

I think I'm great at avoidance but I've found that it resolves nothing in the end.

Being really busy or zoned out watching Ytube, tv, NF somebody else's life is also a trap for me. Entertaining but not helpful unless I'm using what I see to do something. Like change a washer on a tap lol...

I hope you are feeling better Old Kiwi. I looked at the date today, I mean really looked at it and already one month has gone in this year. I'm apt to look at the speed of time in my life, and see it gathering pace. So no time to waste in one way but need to apply the brakes inside of my head. What a problem.

Take care and be gentle to with yourself Old Kiwi,

LB

[littleboots]

Hello Croix,

So much to respond to from your last post to me, thank you for responding. And I too am constantly looking at the count.

I'm glad you evolved away from being one of the mob when it came to fem mopf. I'll say no more bc that type of behaviour affected me deeply. Still does seep back as part of it all.

Memory is a wonderful thing though I agree it can be a problem when the less favourable aspects of the job are forgotten. Alternatively jump to bite way beyond. Painful memories but some hilarious ones too.

The horrendous hours and trying to raise kids created this time and place where I completely forgot about me.

When there was no job anymore there was a gaping hole that was excruciatingly painful. A wound that never has healed. Has it healed for you? I know you have studied and pushed yourself onwards.

I too rejected/pushed away everything related and incredibly, people I had known for decades scampered away too. That left me so crippled. How could they not understand? How could they be so ignorant of my loss?

I think I put way too much emphasis on the job but it and those responsible also demanded it too. I should have been smarter and known better.

Oh well, it seems like these few crumbs that are left must be counted carefully.

I'm on the eve of receiving my new h/dog with trainer. Though it is a happy event on the one hand, it's extremely anxiety provoking on the other. An intensive week of training & bonding with this dog under supervision of the trainer.

Atm I cannot find sleep before 0400 hrs so sleep deprivation ugh. The trainer knows I have ptsd but from prior experience, they don't know anything about it & that's difficult tbh.

I've had yet another hearing test & it's still deteriorating. I'm being referred to cochlear.

In respect of pouncing on interested parties for joy - I'm still smiling - you're a funny man. I'm sure 'he' would have been too young and now I'll never really know! But I'll heed your advice should it happen again & let you know how it turns out lol.

I've got to finish ripping this house into shape Croix & I'm almost out on the count too.

I'll see if I cannot harness some of this anxious, anger, adrenalin & achieve something better for today.

How did the book, Cuckoo go? I'm presently reading the next in the series. Did you get why she named it thus?

Take care,

Littleboots

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots~

I've been away for a couple of weeks, which is why I've not replied. Sometimes it can be easy to read silence as more than it is, that's why I change my avatar to "back soon".

Important things first, I'm 7th on the queue of Cookoo at my library, so am still waiting, I guess you picked a popular series. If I see it second-hand at a reasonable price (which admittedly is modest) I'll buy it.

We have both talked about the huge hole leaving the job causes. I eventually came to the conclusion I'd never be a civilian, the job changes one too much, and am now a "retired policeman", even managed to get an official ID card with 'retired' stamped on it. Not for use, just for me. So basically even though seeing motf in action hurts it is manageable and I have a place in the scheme of things.

Very few are going to understand, a fact of life. This does make one feel isolated however it only takes one to care and accommodate (even without exact understanding) and things do turn around, that's why I say pounce, cougars, if you will pardon the expression, are well known for it 🙂 and often end up in surprisingly equal and balanced relationships. Just talking with you (and reading your posts to others) feel you have a lot of wisdom and practicality to offer, certainly more than crumbs.

I've always had dogs and they have turned a house into a home. As I've gotten older and less strong they have become smaller, used to have shepards, now down to kelpi. Sad to say this latest one chases cats so the house has animal apartheid. Dog training can be a challenge for all concerned.

What ideas do you have to stop those 4am stints?

Croix

[littleboots]

Hello Croix,

Welcome back. I noticed your sign so wasn't too worried. But I did miss you. It's always the little things!

I have been going through a rough patch & I came here a few times to read other stuff.

So much has changed & it seems overnight. I'm at high risk re covid19 thanks to some meds I've taken. So been stuck at home completely & alone for over four weeks now. Dr is concerned.

It seems like time goes so slow & then it snaps like a rubber band.

My dog is fantastic in almost every way. She's beautiful, smart & helpful. I don't know what Id be like right now without her. I do, I'd be much worse. So thank you Universe & whomever! Provided just in time for this calamity befallen all of us.

But people company I severely lack. I feel like an unwilling participant in Black Mirror (netflix) Like it's a nightmare but I cannot wake. Lost a relative already after a mighty battle. It's almost baffling & unbelievable. But it's true.

Feeling so useless. The practical part of me wants to help but I'm a liability in almost every way. So stay out of the way is the mantra.

Isolation so sucks. Not that I saw many people before. Perhaps less now? Taught my mother how to do video so I chat to her every day. She's still grieving the loss of my father.

Mums ok but requires a lot of support (emotional) She cannot comprehend.

It's not the same as having someone with like interests, age & even history. Too late now! Plague has befallen. lol...

My days as a cougar are long gone btw. I don't think they ever arrived really. The no of eligible in the pool has evaporated. I've watched people my own age flounder around trying desperately to find their ilk. Failure is catastrophic. Protect myself by not trying? But I still watch on & admire the young (er) fall about in drama. lol

I walk at night now with doggo. It's calm, quiet & not so many people out 'exercising'.

Got accepted by the ndis so phone meeting coming up soon. I don't know what to think. I want to go down to the pool & dive in & work this body cos I'm all stressed & seized up. ugh..

I hope you & yours are keeping well Croix. I guess you're staying put too? Hope easter bunny visits & you know cats are good at layin down the law with cheeky dogs? Or, has it gone to far lol..

I'll write again soon. Take care,

littleboots

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots`

It's lovely to hear from you (and Doggo), a fair bit has been happening since we last spoke. And yes, we are both in hi risk groups, so going out is not on unless essential. Even walking the dog has become a problem.

It sounds like you have had a win wiht NDIS, that is unfortunately often a rare event, do you have a secret to share:)

So apart from Netflix, are you reading anything now? Also I'm wondering what your energy levels are like?

Talking daily to your mum by video is one of those helping things you thought you were incapable of. The fact it is someone close makes no difference. Have you considered ringing up a few voluntary organizations who farm out volunteers, explain your situation and see waht happens?

I'm sure 99% of answers will be inappropriate, but there may be something. I find writing here gives me another world (and a time to think of others' troubles) which does me good. That does not mean I'm suggesting you go the same way

The world has many unexpected twists, you could end up an adviser for one of those firms that make 3-D virtual worlds for security training, dunno, just a passing thought. Then again on-line gaming itself is some people's answer.

While I don't have any (sensible) answers I will point out I was middle aged when I remarried, and that was to someone who had been through something like I had (not police). As I've mentioned before 21+ years and still all fine - very fine.

So its easy to assume life will always be more of the same, it won't.

You were talking about ripping your house into shape, I'm note sure what you meant.

With my menagerie Foxy dog cannot be trusted and Sumo Cat too timorous, if you want to know why have a read here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qltLoXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

My internet connection is starting to fail (it did the same thing last night) so I'll stop -abruptly- now

Croix

[Rumples]

Hi A Tech,

I feel your pain my friend. I'm an ex cop and seen so many ER nurses covered in gore whilst trying to keep patients alive. You're right when you say that most people don't understand. It's not their fault, nor ours. We just happen to be the front line.

I'm out the other side, intact and whole. A lot of us didn't make it this far.

Hope things are improving for you. Here to chat if you want to talk shop

xo