PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots

Thank you for coming back and saying more. I think it pretty impressive that you have kept on going despite only mild medication at night time.

I used to dread going to bed, between sleeplessness and nightmares I wanted to avoid it. In the last 5 years or so I've been on a more unconventional medication at night time, and that together with relaxation exercises (which did nothing when I learned them years ago) work unless I'm more stressed than usual.

I'd imagine you are talking about ear damage. Me too. Up until the last couple of hearing aids I've thought them useless, however these work with my phone and are much better than nothing , actually worth wearing!

Prior to these background noise drowned everything else out. It is isolating not understanding others.

There is no real answer to families that can't or won't want to understand, except to regard them as being rather limited human beings even if they do wel in their own fields.. Perhaps if there was one that was amenable to education that might be good.

Actually I'd like to point out my first wife passed away after 25 years when I was in middle age, and I found another, or she found me. We have been together in love for 20+ years, and we married despite my mental condition, lack of job or money, and little in the way of prospects.

I just mention this so you might realise not all doors are closed.

Although I've been a university educator for umpteen years it has been honorary, I've become suicidal when trying to perform a normal employment role, so they kindly made special arrangements for me.

Study is hard, as concentration and memory, plus motivation, are all not good. Perhaps in time you might return again, though I'd think about what you wanted to get out of it. If it is study for study's sake, with identity, social interact and achievement that's fine, as is instead wanting to use it as the basis for a new occupation. Which would you prefer?

I studied because my partner told me to:) She was sick of me around the house being a difficult and negative presence. It worked out very well.

Having the same psych for many yeas is like me, I'm dependent on him and if he retires I'm going to find it very hard, a stabilizing influence.

I guess volunteer work, if you can find responsible work in a friendly environment, has a lot of advantages, and that 's basically what I've been doing, wiht a fancy titl

Do you know some of the reasons you break down from being relatively stable?

Croix

[littleboots]

Hey Croix,

Thanks again for responding 🙂

I agree, my family members are limited but they've not experienced what I have. I try to forgive their ignorance? Strangely in crisis sometimes they look to me. I pretend I'm ok when I'm not. Carry on & deal with me later...?

For study.. way past making it work for a career. I would study for the sheer joy of it. I'm not sure I'd be useful in a volunteering role. Deaf & ptsd?

I read though retention isn't great. I've improved a lot. One of my biggest fears was not recovering sufficiently to be able to remember at a functional level. Now it fluctuates depending on m/h.

I used to have a memory like a steel trap and it served me well. But it came at a cost. Now I cannot forget. pstd?

Are you able to read and remember well?

I read at night, for many hours, often into the next day. Sleep patterns are terrible. Though I understand it is essential for m/h to dream & overall g/h. The meds take the edge off anxiety which increases at around 1700 hrs onwards.

Yes..you're right my ears! I too have some sophisticated h/a. But, as you know they've got their limitations. Still, I'm glad I've got them. I saved for years to get them. Do you have tinnitus too? Mine is loud & constant & pushes me to despair. Are there online forums for this?

How fortunate for you... to find someone who could see past what others consider perhaps as critical deficits. lol I'm not sure I'd be able to trust or love that way again. I've built big walls. You sound like you're so in love. joy!

Christmas is difficult. You'd know why I'm sure. I'm apprehensive, I know happens behind the facade. When I hear the sirens wailing. It's confusing. I really do know but I don't know. I long to be part of it but I recoil. I can no longer do it at all. Grief.

Breaking down is quite easy to do if I'm not vigilant. I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a precipice & must never look down. That's tiring.

It's not so much big stuff that causes a break these days because I've insulated myself as much as I can. Avoidance? Rather, it's all the little things, uncertainty, the weight of grief, the knowing & not knowing myself well enough. Flashbacks. Triggers are many and varied & I've still not mastered them. My limitations are a constant disappointment.

I want to be well so much & I work hard at it. But I fail & then struggle to return. Ptsd is so lonely.

I swim a lot. What exercise do you do? It helps me keep balance.

Thanks for your kindness Croix,

Littleboots

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots
The internet just ate my ¾ finished reply so I’m starting again, if you get two posts the same you will know why.
I’m not going got be able to talk about all the matters you raised in just one post, so please bear with me, it’s not rudeness, just space.

First hearing. I cannot give you the circumstances of my hearing loss, it is too identifying, however it is severe and yes I have tinnitus -though it is only really bad nowadays when I think of it -which of course I am right now:)

I had a long course of relaxation exercises, went for months, a complete waste of time, as soon as I stepped out of the surgery life resumed just as stressful as before.

For umpteen years I read rather than tried to go to sleep, I was too frightened too. Lying awake for many hours, or nightmares or simple toxic thoughts made it something to dread.

More recently I’ve been on an unconventional prescribed medication which has made a break in my chain of thoughts, allowing those despised relaxation techniques to be effective. Sleep is better, nightmares less, toxic thoughts less. Not perfect but nevertheless a world of difference.

Study took me longer than others, and retention required work-arounds. Nowadays the smartphone rules, plus my memory is much better -time, practice, overall improvement in my condition I guess.

MarkJT, who was on the Forum and is still a serving member, had a thread on this here

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Poor concentration due to PTSD

As far as I know he is very active in assisting members with PTSD. Sadly I can’t swim or do other similar exercise due to advancing physical ailments.

I want to talk about volunteering with hearing loss and PTSD. First do not think I’m harsh or do not understand -I very much do. However, I’ve been doing this for many years. I think maybe you are expecting perfection from yourself. I had to learn my limits, be hospitalized or have days off. Not all environments are corporate-first and never mind the workers.

You may be able to find a niche where when you hear the sirens you know you are contributing.

Remember, people come to you in times of trouble because you still have it, the you is still inside, just masked by symptoms.

Out of space - next time
Croix

[Croix]

Forgot to say: becoming proficient with Smiling Mind, a free smartphone app, has helped me a lot, both to reduce background stress daily, but also to combat a real buildup with the mind in a toxic loop in real time.
-C

[littleboots]

Hey Croix,

Sorry about my last post. I was getting fragmented and as you can see... not a good result. My gp has left and my psydoc is away for three whole weeks. I get a bit jittery when I feel myself starting to freefall.

I think that's why I came here. I need to connect with people. I don't know of any single person who has ptsd. I feel like the only person in the world who has it.. but I know I'm not!

I've just finished reading the Martian - usually I'm not into sci-fi and I've no idea why I got it out of the library. Good book, have you read it? He deals with isolation and loneliness only superficially. I know it's fiction & the main plot is about other matters. I think if the author had wanted to he could have explored so much more about those aspects. But then that wouldn't be fun would it?

Maybe there is a junk heap floating through the ether with lost posts, emails, files, photos and other random data stuff... Perhaps similar to that massive plastic dump that's been growing in the North Pacific Gyre. Someday, someone will find it and well I don't know what will happen then. They say nothing is ever truly deleted lol... I cringe.

I'm going to come back and respond fully to your post perhaps tomorrow or perhaps the day after Christmas because I'm pretending to be well right now 🙂 for my children.

You hit upon a fairly big chunk of me when you mentioned perfectionism. My inner critic is quietly killing me. Debatable whether I will ever really shut it down. Do you have a perfectionistic type of personality?

I'm very interested in downloading the app you recommend.

I don't know what unconventional... medicine is... but my mind boggles lol... Whatever it is, I'm glad it works. I've been practising relaxation, mindfulness, breathing techniques and progressive muscle tension relief stuff. But mostly I've got to get to exhaustion before my brain gives up. That's not healthy because an exhausted mind doesn't rest well.

Anyway, for now I hope you and yours have a lovely christmas.

Again, thanks for your kindness Croix.

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots~

"Everything could change
Cause there's a silver lining on the way"

Comes from "No Pressure" by Little Boots (which actually mentions pressure over a dozen times:)

Of courser there is pressure, and that sets things off, you GP leaving and psych being away is just one. Perfectionism (yes I'm guilty of that too) is another, though I've come to realise for non critical matters it is actually harmful. I still believe those words though, I'm in the silver lining as I've been pointing out

The meds, which I'm afraid specific mention of is prohibited here in the Forum, make all those relaxation techniques -for me- effective a lot of the time. I stress that is for me, everyone is different. All I can suggest is when you get another GP you consult in depth about the matter.

I read books like the Martian, fantasy, science fantasy, science fiction as well as biographies and many others. The only rule is a happy ending -a failing of mine developed to combat too much real life, can't handle it.

As for a cosmic bit-bucket, with all those emails, picture's and the rest. It would be so gigantic a muddle, like a earth-wide ball of string, nobody could unravel it.

Google Smiling Mind and you will be able to download it, also from the App Store if you use an iPhone. You can switch off hte horrible background music. The constant reminders compensate for my concentration.

You said " I'm not sure I'd be able to trust or love that way again. I've built big walls"

Um.

You love your kids? If so that means everything pre-police is still inside you. The sort of trust you can build is a two-person job, not just you. There are people out there who can do their half (I found two). Not everyone covers up defects and lies, some could trust you instead.

You are not covering up and pretending for your kids, more like exposing the vulnerable inside. It gets better. If it is not too personal/revealing may I ask about your kids?

There is no need to worry abut responding to everything I say, and no time scale involved. You are welcome anytime, long post or short, troubled or contemplative

Croix

[littleboots]

Hello Croix,

It's been a week or so since I last visited here.

I got over-tired and I got a flu like virus. Just starting to feel a little better. My immune system isn't what it used to be.

My children are all grown up and very independent, living their own lives and I think, loving life. They both live a long way from me. I see them a couple of times a year... maybe. Sometimes not, depends what they're doing. Obviously there is a fair amount of expense with visiting & they must work too. We keep in touch via text, email & phone calls. They're ok. What did you want to know?

My children and wider family/friends? are not aware or perhaps don't want to be aware of ptsd or my condition. They don't want to talk about any of that or how I'm getting along.

Leonard Cohen - Anthem "There is a crack in everything, That's how the light gets in"

I read widely. It's my late night comfort. I must read or I get too anxious. I'm reading 'Why do we sleep' Matthew Walker whose a Neuroscientist. It's all about sleep, dreams etc. Fascinating book - I'd recommend it - to anyone.

And, "The Cuckoo's Calling" Robert Galbraith a pseudonym for J.K.Rowling. It's ok so far it's a whodunit?

I do believe you are a bit of a romantic Croix. Not all of us are cut out for relationships lol!

I think my psydoc comes back next week. My gp is away till mid Feb. I want to talk to them about meds..again.

All of these emergency vehicles around atm are doing my head in.

I was finally given a h/dog a few months ago. He was wonderful. He got sick & had to be ret. I've been waiting to hear from them about what will happen now. I think I go back to the bottom of the list again. 2+ more years of waiting? I've been researching getting my own dog/training/PAT etc. I wanted a ptsd dog but the insurer laughed at that. My gp said a h/dog would be better & probably serve both purposes? Do you know anything about dogs?

I'm facing down another year. I feel miserable really.

Take care Croix, hope your NY is shaping up nicely.

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots

I'm pleased to hear from you (and sorry you have not been well). There is never any need to hurry to reply to me, Real Life ™ is there too and has its greater demands.

I asked about your kids to see if they could be allies, it sounds impractical, pity. (Then again maybe I misjudge -pardon me if I do). Allies, not being alone, care - have all been part of my improvement (i don't say recovery as I don't like the word.) Long term competent psych and meds too. Plus luck.

Dunno if all are cut out for relationships, With some might be genuine, others no opportunity - or an inability to get close (my problem when PTSD hit)

I guess I am a romantic, that's probably why I joined the force

I'll swap you a song in return, though it is not a hopeful one like your quote -which I like, as I do Mr Cohen

"God's away on business", Tom Waits. Amusing, some truth, almost fun in the YouTube video.

Your reading is wide for late at night, . I like the sound of one though and have just reserved "The Cuckoo's Calling" on-line to pick up from my local library (a great facility)

"American Gods" by Neil Gaiman is one I've recently enjoyed

Dogs? Had many, and cats. Even took some to puppy training classes, ended up with the best trained owners in the district. Zeppelin Dog who has been replaced by Foxy Dog, who looks normal except the vertical hold, has been stretched.

Nasty Cat and Sumo Cat. You can read how Sumo got his name in my thread :

Page 1, post of 31 January

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

As you can see, overrun with animals, which does not include the possum-in-residence in my workshop roof.

They make a building a home, and while not always suitable to accompany me to other places provide affection and character -and responsibilities.

Formally trained dogs? No, no idea. I'm very sad to hear about your dog, it is heart-wrenching when that happens.

A new year is just a date, nothing special and no it does not imply a pre-measured number of days of marginal life. It takes only one event to change matters, can be in you, can be outside. Going back to study did it for me. For you - something entirely different I'd expect.

Talking to your psych or doc about meds sounds an excellent idea, I'd strongly recommend they look at things with an open mind. My last few years have changed a great deal due to finding a prescription that suited. The usual caveat, everyone may react differently to meds.

Croix

[littleboots]

Hey Croix,

Hope your NY is getting off to good start.

I'm running headlong into some anniversaries right now. Bad ones. They sort of started just before christmas but were things I didn't know were happening till just after really.

I've been asked to write down a list of my anniversaries for this counsellor I see. I cannot do it. I feel like I'm pulling them from where I put them all away, in the dark place, into the real world by doing that. Like once I've written them down they will be out in front of me again and making me really sick or sicker.

I've tried the 'talk' therapy bit with explaining what sort of happened with a few of them. I didn't feel that they were resolved, is that even a word for ptsd?? Anyway I've told her I cannot do it. She's insisting I do. I've reached a point where I don't even know why I go to see her anymore. I'm going to quit I think.

There are no answers are there Croix? I mean no cure... just a cycle through from really bad to not so bad and then away we go again?

I'm so afraid that this is my life forever now. I mean I think I've always been afraid that this was it but now for some unknown reason it's slapping me right in the face at.

I'm trying to keep to a routine - do my exercise, sleep, eat and not go down the rabbit hole. I'm getting a little bit unstable right now, sleep is waaay off kilter & that doesn't do me well.

I've spoken to my psydoc who has told me to stick to the things that keep me afloat. He's not interested in trialling me on any meds because he reckons they'll screw me up even more. I must admit we've been down that track, trying different things for many years and the disappointment + side effects isn't worth it, I know. But I'm sad I don't have anything or anyone to yank me back to safety.

No my kids are far better off without me. And they're too busy being happy & healthy to dive into my life. I think they have the best of intentions but like anyone who's not experienced this stuff, they're not able to relate. I don't want them to worry and there really isn't anything they can do to help.

Thanks Croix,

Take care,

Littleboots

[Croix]

Dear Littleboots~

I can understand everything you have said but-

That talk therapy with me is not about the incidents which put me where I was, it is about everyday events, people and feelings. It was not digging for or examining facts

If your counselor insists then maybe it's time for a serious discussion, trying to force you is a bad miscalculation. You do not need forcing, matters will unearth in time anyway. Already you know around Christmas is a bad time, that's a big start. Maybe she is not the right professional for you. As I said I'd suggest talking it over. You are in charge and by now know your limits.

I've said thanks but no thanks in the past.

As for a cure, I guess I can say I'm in a very much better place. No, not symptom free, still susceptible to triggers, still some areas I avoid. But everything is a lot more muted, somewhat less frequent, and my coping skills are a lot more effective now. Plus I married while the whole box of dice was very much present, plus no job

So I would have to say there is as much chance your life will take the path mine has, compared to your idea of staying the same. I suspect you -like me - underestimate yourself

Yes you have limitations, ones you did not have before, you also have experience plus all the strenght you had before. How many times did you have to decide priorities, quieten people down, decide to arrest, all the rest... Heavy duty stuff and it is still inside both of us

One of the things that has helped me is using that experience, I'm using it now. I'm not suggesting here is the right place for you, but there will be multiple some-wheres that use your strengths and experience..

I can understand your lack of faith in meds, and up until I now would have agreed wiht you 100% on the psychiatric side. Some have been effective wiht the physical symptoms. Now I'm lucky, one that is more than a waste of time or a bundle of down-sides.. We are all different. Maybe you have tried it, though I'd be surprised.

Drag you back? Well no if you do not have anyone living with you that is hard, though even an untrained pet could maybe help. As I mentioned I use Smiling Mind a fair bit

Irrespective of their reactions your kids are not better off without you, if they were to worry worry, so be it. It is part of family. As for relating, my wife does not know what is in my head, but though trial and error can help. Just a presence is a comfort

My hard lesson was not to alienate through anger and resentment

Croix