PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[Avanor]

A tech, I hear you I've been battling ptsd for almost three years. One thing that I can say is it will get better. Do something little each day and build on that. Make notes, most people with ptsd won't remember everything they want/have to do. But most importantly don't be ashamed of what you have. And forgive yourself for the bad days and congratulate yourself for the good ones. Best of luck

[TrailRunner]

Thanks for the replies, it is day by day.
I just wonder what everyone else has done between their psychologist sessions?
I have a couple good days after my session, then its a slippery slope into average and shitty days after that. I find I get to day 4 and then i start counting down the days til i see my psychologist again.
In the shitty days i feel like i just have nothing left, and i'm grateful that my session is only a few days away as I wouldn't know what I'd do if it were too long a wait. I find I have to lay low for the bad days, I'm too exhausted to seek refuge with friends or talk to my partner i just want to be left alone in the hope that the feelings just disappear (delusional i know..) I try to put on my armour even more on these days to protect me from more harm.

She sets me a little project for the week which I know will be emotionally taxing, so i dont want to do it on my good days cause that would suck, but doing it on the average and bad days, i dont think i could deal with feeling even worse. So i find it hard to plan to start the project/homework. So how am i supposed to get better?!!

How did everyone else get through the days between sessions?

[MarkJT]

TrailRunner, great question that. I used to get my phone and store things i needed to ask the psych in it. That would keep me busy and then also try and work out what i was trying to do, i.e. i am trying to learn mindfulness, what do i have to do to get better. I found that working on the things that i wanted to achieve made the days go quicker (when they were painfully slow).

Learning what my triggers are were really important because i wanted to know how to combat them. Excessively draining on mental energy and not something that is to be taken lightly because you don't want to trigger yourself badly with no psych assistance nearby. I used to do this between psych sessions and report back on how i went.

I exercised a lot. I ran and i ran. I don't know if you are exercising or not but a really good way to pass the time was exercise. Be that running, swimming or riding or whatever. Are you able to get some of that going between sessions?

Just reading over your first post, i want you to know that you can recover and get back to work. I was hospitalised in 2013 with PTSD, depression and anxiety and 2.5 yrs later i completed my return to work and resumed full time duties.

It is not an easy ride that is for sure but it can be done. You will learn so much about yourself and once you come out the other side, your medical knowledge will be supplemented by your mental health knowledge being greatly increased by the journey that you are on.

Clinical treatment is an absolute must but you can assist this by exercising, eating well, staying away from alcohol, maintain a social circle - your friends, do they know what happened? I was very lucky in that my mates got around me and supported me. I hope that you have the same outcome.

No doubt you have a mountain of questions, ask them if you want - more than happy to talk about what happened to me and how i recovered and maintain my health.

Mark.

[TrailRunner]

My psychologist has had me concentrating on food exercise and social life every week

I have no appetite so I forget to eat. Pre events I would be eating every couple hours, I was preparing elaborate meals, I loved eating out! So it feels weird to be so aware that I'm not eating/enjoying eating anymore and I've lost 2.5kgs that I did not have to lose

exercise- I had a kickstart back into it a couple weeks ago, it felt good to go for a walk or swim because I achieved something for the day. Now I get no joy out of it, I'm just completing what seems like mundane tasks which I had previously enjoyed.

i went hiking and it sucked. I watched birds of prey and thought it'd be easier to curl up and die than continue with this crap. I didn't I kept hiking out crying the whole way. It was ridiculous.

I'm now trying to look for anything that I could find joy in and it's so hard.

i had multiple set backs from work being jerks these last few weeks which really didn't help.

ive spent all that time dealing with problems from work, forms phone calls meetings. All that time could have been spent on getting better instead I was digging myself into a bigger hole.

Some friends know what's going on. But they feel they need to give me advice, or tell me how worried about me they are (which feeds on my 'im just a total burden to everyone' mindframe) one friend with a broken foot tells me how hard it is not being able to work for a couple weeks. Ergh

did you work on finding your triggers with your psychologist? ive found being immersed in bullshit problem solving of work issues, high stress and such flat affect, that lately I haven't had many flashbacks.. just my brain protecting me? Will they ever just piss off and not return?

sorry for a few swear words, I've been in fine form this week.

and another question about relationships. I'm getting so short tempered and low on patients with my boyfriend I'm scared that I'll flip my lid and ruin what we have going. Any tips on that?

[MarkJT]

TrailRunner, my apologies for the late reply.

With the food intake, is it possible to keep a food diary? Schedule in meals at certain times? This will help you eat at certain times and eat certain meals.

With the exercise, yes it can get very mundane so change it up. Try doing a mini triathlon one day, some hill running, hiking in different areas, do some yoga at home, set yourself goals etc. Would that help?

Work can be a very tricky place to navigate. You can only control what you can. If others are being jerks, then they need to have a look in the mirror. You can take the moral high ground and rise above their childish and uneducated behavior - easy for me to say, absolutely, as I am not the one going through it.

If you do not mind me asking, what are they doing to you at work or how are they behaving?

How close are your friends? Are you able to sit down with them and explain that you just want to be treated normally and if you need an ear or a shoulder, you will ask for it? All in a nice way of course. The ones with the physical injuries, not a real lot you can do about that. It is not until someone gets a mental injury or illness that they realise just how bad it is.

My first psych didn't give me any cuddles that is for sure. Iflashbt was very black and white with her. There was no softly softly approach which is exactly how i wanted it. I worked closely with her figgering out the triggers that were not obvious and then worked on techniques to overcome them.

The bad news is that the flashbacks don't stop, well for me they haven't however the good news is that after going through exposure therapy, which worked a treat, i no longer freak out when i flashback. I flashback a fair bit but they just have no intensity to them. Sometimes when i get real intense ones, i stop what i am doing and concentrate on my breathing, listen to some music and try to relax and I settle down.

With your boyfriend, it is really important to sit down with him and explain that when you are going off your head, it is not you speaking. Let him know the best you can what it is like walking in your shoes. Work on what is making you flare up and see if you can remove it from the area. i.e. people eating chips and crackers sends me bananas so if someone at home was eating them, i would remove myself from the area for a while until they were finished. I didn't want to impede on their lives to much so that is why i retreated to safety.

Hope to hear back.

Mark.

[A_Tech]

Hey everyone, I'm still so glad to see this thread is going. I promise myself all the time that I'll check in more often, but as we all know, LIFE HAPPENS!!!!!

This is without a doubt the proudest thing I've ever done. As I've said before, when I was first diagnosed there was nothing out there for responders, medical staff, police, fire,etc.

So this was born!!!!

I'm definitely getting there thats for sure!!! Sometimes 3 years feels like a whole lifetime because I'm quite a different person now.

This is something that all the psychs forget to tell us that I feel is rather important too! It's not a bad different, I feel stronger in so many ways. But it can be really hard on our families.They've spent potentially years (hopefully by our sides) seeing us at our darkest and as we get 'better', we're not the same as we used to be. For example I stand up for myself now to EVERYONE! I've cut relationships with friends and family for many reasons, but mainly because I now have the courage to put myself and my family first.

This is where my husband still struggles, the personality changes. They're small, but they're there. He's not used to that from me. My son loves it, he's 21 and says I've finally relaxed! So PTSD changes the dynamics of the family, both while at rock bottom and when things are better.

I'm not a fool though, I know that I still have things to work through. I don't have flashbacks or nightmares anymore and what used to be triggers haven't been so in close to 2 years now.

My issues are the secondary depression that comes with a staggering number of PTSD sufferers (something like 90%?) I think.

I spent 6 months last year where I went into complete hibernation, barely left the house. But these things have passed for now.

What I am now aware of and I feel it's VERY important that we all are, is family history. I have a personal and family history of depression. Right there that makes it tougher to accept help. It's called stubbornness!!!!!!

Right at this moment (and that's the easiest way to live at the moment) I'm doing good!

I have a job interview today for my old job, but only part time!! Key point.

More importantly for me is that I've decides with everything that's happened I think my family and I deserve some happiness.

I start Uni this week! I'm finally taking the plunge to do the nursing degree I've wanted to do for 15 years.

Anyway, just some random thoughts, I'm trying not to think of the interview in a couple of hours!!!

AHH

[MarkJT]

A Tech, pretty similar to me in many ways. I've just clocked up four years since my diagnoses and i am a different person that is for sure, mostly for the better, not that i was a crap person before hand though.

I also have a fair distance in front of me but for me personally, I do not think that I will ever recover 100%. I mean when you have a broken leg, you know when you have recovered when you can run again without pain but I think for the rest of my life, I will have to self check and look after myself and I am okay with that.

This is a wonderful thread for medical and first responders as there are so many of us who have struggle or are struggling and we are all one big family when it all boils down to it.

Thanks for starting it!!

Good luck with the interview.

Mark.

[TrailRunner]

Thanks for the reply Mark,

Food this fortnight, I've joined a 2 week meal program from a local cafe, so my lunch and dinner is sorted.
It'd be a waste not to eat them, so I eat them. I've started to feel hungry again, but it just disappears as soon as i have food in front of me so eating hasn't been as enjoyable as I'd like. But I think my weight is maintaining at the moment.

Work was being really supportive, until they realised I wouldn't be "better" as quick as they'd like. My boss agreed with them and told me to take responsibility for my illness, and she said she doubted I was sick because of the incidents and that my life stressors are stopping me from being able to work. "not like youve made a workcover claim or anythning"
So there goes that relationship with the boss. So I made a workcover claim, knowing it could be quite a futile activity.
There was the inquiry in to my 2 incidents lately, I was getting prepared for them waiting for a phone call with my appointment time with the inquiry people. that phone call never arrived. Work had asked if I could be exempt from the inquiry, but never relayed that info on to me. THey knew 3 weeks before the inquiry that I had been exempt.I found out the morning before because I called them

it goes on and on and on.But yes I am trying to take the moral highground and be above their childish and unkind efforts.
Next week I have a consult with the workcover independent psychiatrist. It's exhausting
I'm trialing returning to work, I was in the office for 4 hours, not able to do much work at all, but i slept my afternoon away. It was near impossible to concentrate or make any decisions it was exhausting. Tomorrow is day 2 another 4 hours.

My boyfriend's response to me explaining how I'm feeling or what I'm going through is always, "you're the only one that can change or fix that" or "you have to try and just let it go"
He is a supportive and beautiful man, but it's hard for me to explain my brain well enough for him to feel like he knows what i'm going through. He understands the extra external stresses put on me the past few months. But the actual PTSD circus show of feelings is harder for me to explain to him.
I'm really on edge in situations i can't control, like all of life when i'm outside the house! And when I catch a fright or something he's starting to make the comment of "o cmon it's nothing"

I dont know how I can explain it better to him really without sounding like Im complaining or being negative

[A_Tech]

Hi Mark,

I'm so glad this has helped so many people. That was my biggest frustration in the beginning. Other than private psychologists that not every one can afford (I was lucky enough to be able too) there was just nothing or no where for us to chat and 'vent'.

Your enalogy about the broken leg is perfect!!! And I think that's how we all feel. It's only after we've been doing this a few years can we express it so it makes sense.

As for the interview! Well, I'd been struggling with the thought all weekend, torn because I was treated pretty bad there before I left, but I still loved what I did.

So long story short, a couple of hours after I posted here I just thought 'what am I doing?'. I knew that once I went back as much as I would love it, I would end up giving up on my dream of nursing. So I called and withdrew from the interview.

It was the BEST feeling ever!! To take control again of something in my life and not just let life happen to me.

So my first uni class is tomorrow and I can't wait to start the rest of my life. For the first time in almost 4 years I feel happy and in control of my future.

I never thought I'd say that again 😁😁😬😬.

I had other HUGE issues going on at the time, not just work. My twin brother committed a crime that will see him spend the rest of his life in prison. This has been hard for me on top of, or as part of the PTSD. It also destroyed our family. I am one of 5 kids and now it's just my dad and me (plus my amazing hubby and son!!). I rarely see my brother at the moment because he doesn't want to know about problems!

But that's ok!! Wow, I've never mentioned this in the last few years, but I'm just trying to have a life now. One that's mine and not his mistake or my PTSD!

I want for us all to be able to talk, I think we need it to be able to move on. And I know I WANT TO!!!

[MarkJT]

TrailRunner, good to hear that you have joined the meal plan and that your weight is maintained. Small steps, remember that baby steps are need to be taken. Don't rush - each meal at a time. Don't worry about if you are going to have your appetite at tea when it is lunch time.

With your boyfriend, I reckon it would be a really good idea for him to spend some time reading some posts in the carers section of the forums and really the forum in general. As you have described, it is difficult to describe what you are feeling like when suffering from mental health illnesses but by reading other people's (carers & sufferers) stories, he may be able to get a better idea of what it is like. Would he be open to doing this?

When he says, "its nothing", that would be a good time, once you have settled, to explain to him what it is like for you. He can then put your words to your reactions and hopefully that will show him that it is very real.

Hopefully you can keep chipping away until he has a good understanding.

The work situation is far from ideal that is for sure. It is exceedingly difficult when you are in a situation like yours but to be told that you need to take responsibility for your illness and that she doubts it is from the incidents is really poor management. The workcover process is a long and exhausting one most of the time so you need to have your coping mechanisms down pat. Get into mindfulness and practice it - it will hold you in good stead.

If you are having a rough time going through this process, remember this forum is always here for you to vent and ask questions.

Mark.