PTSD for Medical and First Responders

[A_Tech]

Hi,

Well obviously this my situation.

I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others).

Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat.

Cheers ✌️

[MarkJT]

ATech, peer to peer support is just so powerful. Although none of know each other personally, the support that is shown throughout this forum is absolute gold. Strangers helping strangers through their own journeys into and (hopefully) out of mental health episodes, so yes this thread is dripping in golden drops!!

That is so awesome to hear that you felt so good when you cancelled the interview. Stoked for you! Brilliant that you are now on a path that you truly want to be on. Well done.

I cannot say that i have experienced what you have with your brother and it must be horrible to go through but i really like what you have said in that you are trying to have your own life. I often say that it is really important for one to look after oneself first and foremost. This is because you cannot effectively care for others unless you are in a good place yourself. Yes sometimes we are forced to look after others when we are not in a good space but that, hopefully is not very often.

You giving yourself a life will improve so many others aspects of your life - so excited for you. Keep thinking like that.

Mark.

[A_Tech]

I hate this monster that is PTSD!!!

I was so happy a few days ago and then I could feel it slipping back in. Tonight I'm fighting those horrible urges in my head and I feel like all the good things that have just happened must have been a dream.

Uni started this week and I haven't been able to get myself out of the house to attend one class!!

What is wrong with me?? It's been nearly 4 years! I need this to be gone, anyway it takes.

I need more help I think, I just have to get through tonight.

[MarkJT]

A Tech, unfortunately PTSD recovery is a marathon and whilst on that path, there are many speed humps. I got a really good piece of advice in my early days, the emotions come in waves, learn to surf those waves. Each time you ride the wave, you get better at coping with them.

As you know, you will have good days and you will have bad days. The better you get at surfing, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days.

It is really important to stay the course, continue to tell yourself that you will recover. Make sure that you are doing the best you can in helping yourself - eat well, cut alcohol, exercise, do you mindfulness and be kind to yourself.

What is wrong with you? You were seriously injured and injuries take time to heal. There are many of us that have or are walking in your shoes and asking that very same question. You will be okay, it just takes time.

Mark.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi ATech,

I just had a thought, (watch out? ) that might help you.

Have you tried just going to the uni without attending the lectures. Just go and sit and people watch. Or go to the library. Or grab a coffee in the refec.

All new students are unbelievably nervous. You aren't the only one. But you are already ahead of the pack with your previous experience. So it doesn't matter that you've missed these 1st days...you will easily catch up. There will be other mature age students feeling like bigger fish out of water than you, and you will be easily able to spot them. You can gravitate to them in breaks. I'm sure they will be happy to meet you and benefit from your experience. (well, maybe not the PTSD part, but your general medical knowledge). Generally, the nursing school is a bit more segregated to the rest of the uni, so check it out incognito, it might help you make a decision.

This thread has been a big achievement by you, it has and will help many people. You should be proud. You deserve to go on and fulfill your dreams. I am a nurse who went on to do further medical studies, and can remember how I felt in those first days of uni.

Perhaps your PTSD has tipped over to anxiety. I guess you have to ask yourself what is stopping you from going. There could be many reasons.

If you are continuing to struggle and need more support or advice, perhaps you could start a new thread, as you will get more replies that way. It is only due to my background that I saw this post.

Best wishes Lee x

[A_Tech]

Hi Mark and Lee,

Thank you both for your amazing words of encouragement and understanding. I know that you appreciate what that means right now. I am feeling somewhat better this morning, less emotional and definitely less thoughts going on in my head!

You both had some great points that I would like to answer. Lee I'll probably run out of space here, so I'll reply to you directly 😬.

Mark your analogy about the waves and surfing is a similar model to what I was also taught. She (my amazing psychologist) mentioned it again early this week when I saw her. Great minds, our peeps!!

I'm usually pretty good now at riding them out, I can feel it coming on now (so I can tell my husband) and he and my dad are both truely the best ever support I could ever have imagined (and my awesome son who's 21, though I try to keep as much of the details out as I can. He's a 'kid' and should NEVER have to be worried or burdened by his mum the way I was).

The problem now is that after so long, it's taking a toll on my beautiful husband 😥. He's only just agreed to see someone himself. He's been everything for me and to me for so long, I can see he's completely exhausted. Where I'm going with all of that, is that now I'm trying to limit how much I 'dump' on him (he also has a highly stressful job, also in health!!!! funny that).

He seems less tolerant than he used to be when I'm not doing so well. And I get that, so am I! None of us thought this could ever go on this long.

I truely believe and my psychologist agrees, that I'm actually pretty much over the Medical side of PTSD, but as she said, its all like layers of an onion. You just get though one hard layer only to expose another. And somewhere deep in the centre, is the core! For those like me that C-PTSD, it's a life time of other personal traumas keep bottled up, until one day something triggers it off.

So my trigger was work, but not the real cause of the PTSD if that makes any sense at all!! Don't get me wrong, I was showing signs of PTSD from work at least 1-2 years before my brothers troubles. So it would've caought me eventually.

OK now I'm rambling, but at least I'm talking right?!I think what I'm getting at is that if I'm still having issues now that my sessions are moving towards my brother, all I'm going to do is defer uni until next semester. I WILL NEVER GIVE THIS DREAM UP!!!!But I need to finish this with him once and for all so that I can move on, he is the thing I am still allowing to hold me back.

[A_Tech]

Hi Lee,

I do like your style of thinking! It's much like my own actually (when I'm well anyway).

I attended the orientation week with no problems at all, and I LOVED it. I knew in my heart it was where I needed to be. And that's ultimately why I decided not to go to the job interview.

The biggest is problem is that I've started having 'shutdowns' again. Back in the earlier days after diagnosis, when things where overwhelming, I would end up in bed (sometimes for days) just sleeping. They tell me it was my way of self preservation. They didn't happen often, but enough to make it so I couldn't work etc.

The few times I tried to ignore this need, were the time I ended up in hospital after a meltdown basically!. This hadn't happened in over a week until 2 weeks ago. Now it's happened twice and they were never that close before!! I hope you can understand my concern about uni?

I still want to nurse more than ANYTHING in my life!!!!!! And I will. I'm just thinking that if this is happening again now that my psych and I are finally talking about my brother, that's obviously the trigger.

I feel like I need to deal with him once and for in my head so that I can really move on, and start semester 2 fresh. I've already asked her about extra sessions and she's going to make it work!

I also have my older brother who's at the same uni at the moment, so it's not uni jitters! Unfortunately I can't talk to him at all about my other brother. I don't know if I said n other posts but my brother has been disowned from the family, apart from dad and myself .

When you mentioned a new thread, what were you thinking??

I do feel that all of our pasts play a role in our PTSD, there is some huge number that supports that.

With the anxiety, I was actually off a lot of meds until the brother issue came back, so we're fairly sure whats happening.

But I love feedback and other ideas!!! That's what these posts are all about right???

Donna x

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi Donna,

Dont know what I was thinking really. It is not up to me, it is your thread after all. I guess I just didn't realise how the medical PTSD was intertwined with deeper layers. This morning, it seemed like your feelings now were different to that. You seemed to have got on top of that, especially seeings that your going back into the medical field, where you'll likely be reexposed to traumas in your training. Now I can understand how it is layer upon layer. If it helps you, I'm sure it will help others in a similar situation, and that's all that matters.

It is wise to get to the core of these debilitating feelings, before starting studying. Your concern is certainly understandable. You have no choice but to deal with it now. Get to all of the issues that have been holding you back. Your psych sounds like gold. You are lucky there and lucky to know the self-preservation that works for you. That is a huge achievement and a big step towards overcoming this. Studying can be so full on, and stressful that I could not imagine starting such a demanding course with all these things going around in your mind.

I can understand where you're coming from. My brother was a 'black sheep' and caused lifelong problems in the family. My childhood and early adulthood was spent visiting him in various 'centres'. I don't know what my parents were thinking, cos then I met & mixed with his 'friends'. Oh well, sadly I am the only one left now, so now I know there is no point in hard feelings.

Our past goes to making us the person we are today, with a greater understanding and insight. Our personal struggles are incredibly difficult to navigate, but we learn so much along the way, it enables us to give back to those we love and know, as well as here on these forums. You will be a better nurse for going through all of this. Kudos to you for being so strong and proactive. The nursing world needs more people like you.

Have you ever considered doing a few hours of volunteer work in a hospital or residential care setting. It may be something that will help in your future studies, as well as in your life in general.

[A_Tech]

Hi Lee,

Your words were exactly what I try to tell others, 'Our past goes to making us the person we are today, with a greater understanding and insight'. Only you said it way better!

You said something about your background but I'm sorry to say I'm not sure what that is. I'm guessing police or such because you have an very initiative insight. Or being a responder page it could be anything !!!!

I did feel ready to hit that next stage in life being uni, until I made a visit to see my brother a month ago and couldn't go in.

I've been at this PTSD game now for so long that I guess I do know what my thoughts and feelings mean intuitively, even if I can't process them right away. I was cleared for medical PTSD about 8 months ago, but my psych, GP, hubby and I knew there was more happening. I'd just been suppressing the other feelings as we do when it's too hard to deal with. Isn't that PTSD in a nutshell?

Thank you for sharing your story too, that helped and I need you to know that.

If you are any type of medical or first responder, do you think that had any impact on your career choices? Even subconscious? I also have disabled siblings, and I know that my upbringing is a HUGE part of why I'm in the medical field.

Things to ponder!

Talk to you soon, and thank you for being here 😇

[Croix]

Dear A Tech and All in this thread~

I feel a little guilty because I've posted a thread and my experience putting down animals when on the job. I'm well aware this does not have the same level of seriousness as when human lives are involved.

I would hate you to think I was in any way belittling your experiences . I too have graver problems which I have not mentioned, however the one with animals was a surprise after so many years and I wanted, along with my own benefits from posting, to say that - at least in my case - even fresh episodes become muted with time.

The reactions I had to the human-related ones manifest much closer to the original events and too are - again in my case - much muted now.

Thank you

Croix

[MarkJT]

Donna, great to hear that your hubby is seeing someone. Such a huge toll is taken by the carers - do you know there is a carers section on the bb forums? I think it is just as important that we get told we are not alone, that the carer's know that they also, are not alone. See if you can get him to have a read of some threads as he might get something out of it.

I have read a few times that people who are more sympathetic towards others are more susceptible to PTSD. Whether or not this is 100% true I do not know but i think the reason why anyone becomes an Emergency Services worker is that they have an inbuilt want to help others.

Like you, i think that events that happen in our younger years or situations that we are in certainly shape our future employment.

Mark.