PTSD and my partner

[Toby1977]

Hi everyone, I’m here to ask for advice and help and some points of view on my situation I am currently in with my partner. We have been in a relationship since April and we fell in love the right way and it was and is still beautiful in my eyes. We have had some tragedy’s along the way her father passed away after a long term illness he succumbed to in July. So clearly this has added to her problems revolving ptsd. She is a childhood ptsd trauma sufferer and I knew of this early on but I did not know much about it until the last month as it’s starting to affect our relationship. I first noticed that communication was not happening and I questioned this with no answer and I have to say that is hard to deal with when you don’t understand. I was and have been polite and caring in regards to asking what is happening, as when things are amazing and all of a sudden go like that you think that the relationship is all of a sudden in trouble and you are standing there wondering why as nothing has really happened. Over the last month this has gotten worse and she asked for space in which I was not really around her a lot in that time so I honoured and respected and I’d this. She came to me eventually and it was lovely to reconnect again, things seemed great again. But now things seemed to have gotten worse, she is saying she only likes her me time and it was heartbreaking to hear she, then spoke with me on the phone and said we just need to slow things down a bit and I honoured her wishes again. I hardly sent texts just occasionally to say goodnight and hope your day was good nothing else in between. She would do the same, I noticed if I was busy and didn’t text that she would randomly text and say she loves me. This is all so very confusing for me and the worst was last night, I have noticed a decline in my own mental health in which I have seemed out help with anxiety I’m going through now and this situation is making it worse especially when this is happening with the person I love and loves me. Yesterday she text me to ask for help to put together some furniture and asked me to bring her some food she felt like so I’ did as I love and care for her very much and wanted to see her I hadn’t seen her since Tuesday night so it was 4 days and I missed her a lot I didn’t say this though in case she thinks I’m needy in which case I’m not. 

[Toby1977]

Em I just had a couple more questions regarding ptsd and some symptoms. I have read through online searches on medical pages etc that some symptoms include, being confused, not knowing where a person suffering ptsd is in life when having high anxiety etc Also that some people with ptsd don’t like talking about the future as they will look at it as it’s doomed to fail and can be a trigger is this all true? I just wanted to ask these questions 😊

[ecomama]

Hi Toby, I read back on your posts.... 

Just to qualify, I'm not the knower of all PTSD symptoms lol, merely my own and that's possibly said tentatively as my own symptoms can "morph". Certainly improved!! 

So from now on, please remind yourself that I'm merely speaking from my own experiences. Simultaneously, I'm happy to help if possible. 

I did get a "ping" when you said way back that she felt "confused". 
Mmm this hasn't been my experience. 

Tbh also talking of the future, with my kids and my BF who lives in the U.S., made me feel relief, not anxiety. Perhaps even JOY and a feeling of hope that I'd one day experience happiness. 

What I'm trying to say is that not ALL things she's feeling, and possibly not by a long shot even, can be put down to PTSD. We are unique in our experiences. 

If I was speaking to GF, I would suggest she seek a Psychologist who specialises in Trauma therapy, mine used Exposure Therapy and was freaking brilliant for my journey towards better mental health. Because!!... what she did with me was follow the triggers way back with humps and obstacles lol... to the root person, each time. Basically I had 2 on what I would call Level Hell lol.... then a few more lesser harmful perps up a level or 2... 
I only had 4 useful sessions, stopped at the 5th BUT I have done Universes of my own study PLUS have a brilliant Counsellor ongoing. 

Grounding throughout was really important, I'm pretty good at this. 

Well done on the Roast Lamb and Veg! Hahaha. 
Love EM

The thing this Psych said was that she was SO surprised that I didn't have depression (didn't score as having it on the measurements she used). I was her first patient in her practice to have Complex PTSD and not depression. Hence with other patients she usually spends up to 18 months!! Treating their depression before any therapies for PTSD is made possible for her. 
Wow huh? 

[Toby1977]

Thank you for sharing that with me Em I really appreciate that ☺️ Yes it’s true it’s different for everyone when it comes to mental health and any symptoms I guess, plus combined with other pressures in life, family, work, day to day things etc I feel it does make it different for everyone. Also with me asking some things I am covering all areas to be fully prepared to handle any situation in this relationship and be there for her as I’ve already stated. She knows I’m here, also not pressuring just supporting and being there whenever she needs me and she knows this 😀 She hasn’t gone to her GP yet so I’m hoping she does, her sons have mentioned that they have noticed her being angry at little things etc And she mentioned this to me the other day so it should help her seek out her therapist and as I said she has suffered this from childhood so she knows what she is doing, just her life has been super hectic as all our lives are but having a supporting partner is something she isn’t used to and that’s what I bring and have brought the last 6 months together. She has been in abusive relationships both physical and psychologically the poor darlin 😢 

[Toby1977]

She even said to me last weekend she has never been with a caring guy before ever which is so sad and it makes me love her even more, she is just struggling right now and as a partner it’s tough to see and experience as you want to help, but not pressure, do the right thing and keep your boundaries to its a viscous thing indeed I must say. She loves me very much and I know this, I’ve been her rock through the toughest time in her life the past 6 months and will continue to be that 😊

[ecomama]

Dear Toby,
I know you want to be prepared for anything and I know you care deeply about GF. 

Just a headsup I've been far too frank in many threads, tact is usually my approach IRL but online it's trickier. 

I doubt it's possible to be prepared for any eventuality but I admire you educating yourself as much as possible. 

The ping I mentioned about her "confused" talk, is a gut instinct thing for me (& many women most especially). Feeling confused is the first sign of an abusive relationship. 
She may be feeling "love bombed" by you? 
This would ping her instincts as it's used by abusers to draw their victims in. 

If you aren't an abusive personality type, then she needs to LEARN the difference. 
CLARITY is the opposite of confusion imo. 
She needs to aim for clarity. 

Hence I mentioned her seeking Trauma therapy, most esp exposure therapy. 
I'm not saying this would solve this for her, but if she made it an AIM in therapy to learn the difference then yeah it could. 

I'd attended an 8 - 10 week Course at the local Women's Health Centre called "Breaking Free" for victims of DV. 
The information I learnt THERE caused paradigm shifts in my thinking. Plus literally YEARS of online study & books I'd read. 
This was 3y before I was formally diagnosed with C-PTSD but I knew I had it, I had to avoid Psychs for this diagnosis as I was heading towards Courts - didn't realise it would be 5y of legal stuff but it was. 

My diagnoses so far (hopefully ALL!) are C-PTSD, ADHD and depression, the latter is managed well. They're probably all managed well with no meds. 

GF could have more diagnoses than only PTSD, IDK. 
The stress of even seeing a Psych and finding out this stuff THEN getting treatment is huge. 
I'm concerned she hasn't seen or booked her GP as a starter, since she said she would. 

EM

[Toby1977]

Hey Em I’m the opposite of what she has had in the past, she has always been in abusive relationships and very bad one’s psychologically. I haven’t love bombed her, we both say it to each other maybe a few times a week, she knows I’m not anything like her previous partners and that’s what matters most to me because she knows it. She fully trusts me and I the same, falling asleep on my chest frequently one would assume she feels safe and she should 😊

[Toby1977]

Hi em she broke it off with me last night, for no reason we have never had a single arguement, she said she cannot love me the same as I love her and was so cold I got upset a few times as she talked on the phone with me for about an hour as she initially did it via text after 3 days ago saying she loves me and also twice during our conversation where I reminisced about our 7 months together heartbroken I’m at work right now and just struggling like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve cried each time I woke up last night, and a few times at work this morning super tough 😢😭….

[Croix]

Dear Toby 1977~

I'l l tell you about how I felt when PTSD, depression and anxiety was at its worst, perhaps this is what oyu are up against.

Firstly. By now you have taken great steps to try to understand the person you love and have given unflagging support throughout very great mood changes. On of the reasons it is so hard is that words and actions do not have their usual meanings, and being told of love, then of there being no love can be taken to heart as each occurs, wiht resultant hope followed by heartbreak.

You would think a simple wholesome meal can't realy be misunderstood and can either be neural in its effect or even do good. Sadly predictability is not there nearly as much as you might assume or need. I could have been grateful, or sad I could not respond properly, or even resentful.

For I did not understand myself, my actions were a mystery to me. It was as if I stood on one side of a glass partition with me on the other side. I watched me and wondered at my behavior. Mostly I'd less idea of why I did things than you would expect. I was also out of of touch with me, I did not know who I loved, or even if I could love. I did not trust others -or myself.

This was by no means constant, at times I'd respond well to care and support from my partner, at other times exactly the same thing would result in me wanting to be away and alone - at that time I had no room in my mind to deal with anyone.

Why I was not constant I'll never know. I do know as time went on things improved, though why my partner stayed with me I can only wonder. When she understood my actions were symptoms it made her life a little easier, but being told "I've no feelings for you" tears at the heart, irrespective of if it is a symptom or not.

I could have stayed in that cold state and found it easier than try to recover. Fortunately due to love, support, therapy and medication - plus time - I've recovered to an amazing amount and can love and support in my turn now.

I'm trying ot let you know a possible set of things you might be dealing with -as EM rightly says we are all different. Maybe my experience is irrelevant, dunno.

It is easy to assume we are a bottomless well of strenght to support someone we love, we are not. Please look after yourself

Croix

[Toby1977]

Hi Croix thank you so much for sharing that I really appreciate it. Your story has given me a perspective that I hadn’t read about online through my research, it’s actually helped me understand what has happened with my now ex partner and how it is affecting her. I hadn’t spoken to her for 2 days after the breakup but I needed to get some closure as I’ve had none and to get some things off my chest, all respectfully and calmly same as I always have been and very understanding. It was a bad idea because all I had as a response was “you don’t understand how I’m feeling” also “you think I’m being cold and have zero concerns for you when you actually don’t know my feelings” 😢

[Toby1977]

And yes forgot to say we are not bottomless wells of support I’m usually solid as a rock as I’ve dealt with my own mothers major depression for the last 10 years, my own anxiety issues and my 11 year old daughters. But no…. I was not prepared for this at all 😢