PTSD and my partner

[Toby1977]

Hi everyone, I’m here to ask for advice and help and some points of view on my situation I am currently in with my partner. We have been in a relationship since April and we fell in love the right way and it was and is still beautiful in my eyes. We have had some tragedy’s along the way her father passed away after a long term illness he succumbed to in July. So clearly this has added to her problems revolving ptsd. She is a childhood ptsd trauma sufferer and I knew of this early on but I did not know much about it until the last month as it’s starting to affect our relationship. I first noticed that communication was not happening and I questioned this with no answer and I have to say that is hard to deal with when you don’t understand. I was and have been polite and caring in regards to asking what is happening, as when things are amazing and all of a sudden go like that you think that the relationship is all of a sudden in trouble and you are standing there wondering why as nothing has really happened. Over the last month this has gotten worse and she asked for space in which I was not really around her a lot in that time so I honoured and respected and I’d this. She came to me eventually and it was lovely to reconnect again, things seemed great again. But now things seemed to have gotten worse, she is saying she only likes her me time and it was heartbreaking to hear she, then spoke with me on the phone and said we just need to slow things down a bit and I honoured her wishes again. I hardly sent texts just occasionally to say goodnight and hope your day was good nothing else in between. She would do the same, I noticed if I was busy and didn’t text that she would randomly text and say she loves me. This is all so very confusing for me and the worst was last night, I have noticed a decline in my own mental health in which I have seemed out help with anxiety I’m going through now and this situation is making it worse especially when this is happening with the person I love and loves me. Yesterday she text me to ask for help to put together some furniture and asked me to bring her some food she felt like so I’ did as I love and care for her very much and wanted to see her I hadn’t seen her since Tuesday night so it was 4 days and I missed her a lot I didn’t say this though in case she thinks I’m needy in which case I’m not. 

[Croix]

Dear Toby 1977~

I can understand you wanting closure, and setting out things in words, sadly I know in my own case thay would not have the meaning intended, and might just widen the gap i perceived between myself any everyone else - even if the words were warm and friendly.

Closure would be good -but I cant 't imagine how it might work. If you stay you are opening yourself up to a long period in your life where there is unhappiness and heartbreak interrupted with moments of hope . It is possible your ex will improve like I did, but no guarantees.

If you leave htere is always those nagging doubts "Did I try Hard Enough".. "Did I Stay Long Enough" ..  "Am I being Selfish" ...  etc? Fortunately having left the is a chance for a happier life and doubts can receded.

Please be realistic with yourself, a mother with depression, an aniety state yourself, and one with your  daughter how much more can you deal with long term and still help them as you have been doing?

Croix

[Toby1977]

Thanks Croix, your right in all that you have said I like the way you put it to me in regards to me staying there for her, but she called it off I didn’t actually leave her I’m just honouring her and doing the right thing as hard as it is and not contacting her, I did say goodbye to her and that good luck with everything in her life and that I will not contact anymore on Wednesday evening…that was a very hard thing to do possibly one of the hardest when you were fully vested in the relationship as we both were. I’m moving on and taking care of myself, my only concern is that eventually she will use alcohol as a coping mechanism as she has done the past 2 months frequently and reach out to me, I’m terrified of that as I am kind and caring I would hate to ignore her but I might have to this is my only problem moving forward for me 😢🤷‍♂️

[Croix]

Dear Toby1977~

You are absolutely right, with a caring nature to see someone you had felt for in distress is something that does need planning for as it would be so easy in the pressure of the moment  to fall back into the unworkable relationship you were in before.

I guess the simplest plan is simply to refuse contact.

The second to have prepared speech and stop -without further words -at that point. To enter into a conversation  I would imagine will simply tie you up in a morass of words and promises.

I'd suggest that the person you knew will have changed day by day since you broke up and is not the same  person as before. You do not know her circumstances now. While one would certainly hope she does not resort to  alcohol it is not something you are in a position to do anything about.

Please do sing out if you fell the need at any stage

Croix