PTSD and my partner

[Toby1977]

Hi everyone, I’m here to ask for advice and help and some points of view on my situation I am currently in with my partner. We have been in a relationship since April and we fell in love the right way and it was and is still beautiful in my eyes. We have had some tragedy’s along the way her father passed away after a long term illness he succumbed to in July. So clearly this has added to her problems revolving ptsd. She is a childhood ptsd trauma sufferer and I knew of this early on but I did not know much about it until the last month as it’s starting to affect our relationship. I first noticed that communication was not happening and I questioned this with no answer and I have to say that is hard to deal with when you don’t understand. I was and have been polite and caring in regards to asking what is happening, as when things are amazing and all of a sudden go like that you think that the relationship is all of a sudden in trouble and you are standing there wondering why as nothing has really happened. Over the last month this has gotten worse and she asked for space in which I was not really around her a lot in that time so I honoured and respected and I’d this. She came to me eventually and it was lovely to reconnect again, things seemed great again. But now things seemed to have gotten worse, she is saying she only likes her me time and it was heartbreaking to hear she, then spoke with me on the phone and said we just need to slow things down a bit and I honoured her wishes again. I hardly sent texts just occasionally to say goodnight and hope your day was good nothing else in between. She would do the same, I noticed if I was busy and didn’t text that she would randomly text and say she loves me. This is all so very confusing for me and the worst was last night, I have noticed a decline in my own mental health in which I have seemed out help with anxiety I’m going through now and this situation is making it worse especially when this is happening with the person I love and loves me. Yesterday she text me to ask for help to put together some furniture and asked me to bring her some food she felt like so I’ did as I love and care for her very much and wanted to see her I hadn’t seen her since Tuesday night so it was 4 days and I missed her a lot I didn’t say this though in case she thinks I’m needy in which case I’m not. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's not an easy one because we dont know what she feels. So going on your account of events and communication I'd suggest when someone says "I need space" it could be for a multitude of reasons from wanting out to having another person interest to just finding themselves.

The question imo is not on her to answer, it could be on you- that you're the one thats left with the work, the working out on the right approach

. For a relationship to work successfully you have to have tolerance, be flexible, trusting and compatible. Assuming no alternative/inappropriate plans on her behalf it sounds like her needs for space is reflective of her medical condition. In that case you need to pull out all efforts to support her and in that briefcase is "space". A relationship has a number of gambles along its journey, in this case you could give her space only to find out months later that her main issue was her feelings that you both arent right for each other. That kind of result would be heart breaking but such gambles are life in the dating/relationship game. It makes it harder when she is silent, silence can be a barrier the person feels due to their mental state but silence used as a weapon is abuse, not guessing here just be aware if you feel the silence is to punish you, then it is unacceptable. Mental illness aside, adults are suppose to talk about issues amicably but in the case of MI often we shut down and dont mean harm.

So how do you support her in the most effective way? Everyone is different with this. Some people respond with humility. Eg She texts you telling you she loves you. A 🙂 emoji could be all she wants, any further texting might be an overload. Others just want to know you are not going to run from the relationship, that you are there through thick and thin and need answers.

Then there is the reverse. With a GF with PTSD it means you will have times when she isnt strong for you when trauma arrives in your life. That one sided aspect of your life can be a difficult thing to analyse. 

So I've given some suggestions and displayed the complexities that is a mere taste of what a trained counsellor might offer. I think a counsellor would help you both no end actually. Good luck.

https://www.verywellmind.com/stress-from-caring-for-someone-with-ptsd-2797408

TonyWK

[Toby1977]

Thank you very much Tony I appreciate your advice and also a different view on this for me. I just read the entire article you posted as well very helpful thanks. I think for the last two weeks that I have reached out here and also done some research online about this quite a lot actually I understand exactly now. Makes it slightly easier BUT, it’s tough in the fact that she will say hurtful things and then the next day it’s as if nothing happened and it’s smoothed over very confusing from the caring partners aspect. I love this woman with everything I have and explained to her that means everything that comes along with it. Self care for myself and her, seeing my family, mates and doing my hobbies really helps and the same goes for her. She had a face mask at the beauty salon Tuesday afternoon and felt great about herself and called me to come around for dinner what a difference that little bit of self love can make. Same as when her girlfriends picked her up for a surprise overnight wine tasting trip, she came back that woman who adores me! I’m a very understanding and caring person so learning what I need to do and your help also Tony will make a huge difference.

[ecomama]

Omg Toby, you are THE sweetest partner anyone could ever hope for! 

I read through your whole thread and felt the deep love and caring you have for your partner!!!! 

She is one very lucky girl. Hugs for how difficult this terrain is for you. You are amazing. 

Gosh she's dealing with a lot RIGHT at this moment. 
PTSD is a TON on it's own. 
Add recent deep grief over the passing of a PARENT... huge. 
One of my marriages broke up in the aftermath of this for me (it was me who had undiagnosed PTSD and heavy grief)... 

I LOVE that you joined the forums and wow.... having Tony WK catch you on joining, what a priceless gift that is lol. Hey Tony!! 

Toby, you're doing great. 
Remind yourself "Oxygen on self first"... you know like in an aeroplane during turbulence? Our first instinct is to save our loved ones BUT we need to work hard to change this thinking. 
SELF first. 

The stronger and more capacity YOU build within yourself to be independent of her ebbs and floes, the more likely you'll BOTH be able to weather the storms of life. 

MAINTAIN your network. 100%. 

Brene Brown has BEAUTIFUL books on how to live a whole hearted life. 
Her lists on this are incredible. 
She has a Netflix special that perhaps you and GF can watch together.... I've watched and listened to it around 30 times lol!
It's called "The Call to Courage". She's been a researcher for decades and gave a GIFT to the world by coming out of the lab to share it all with us. 
She also has sterling YouTube Ted Talks and other chats with creators. 
Her BOOKS are incredible. 

Happy you have a therapist too. 
Love EMxxxx

[Toby1977]

Thank you Em! I really appreciate your heart warming reply to me, lovely words and thank uoso very much! Yes it is unknown territory for me but because I love this woman I am going to be there for her no matter what and now that I understand more about the illness it will do wonders and mostly being patient and being there when needed. I will have to check those out thank you!

[Toby1977]

So last night when she got home from work she text me omg! Brutal day at work 🤦‍♂️ To which I replied oh no hope your ok darlin? Yes I’m ok just a lot of anxiety! I told her to have a bath or read her books or jump in the shower and watch a streaming service some of her favourite things to do. She just replied with 🥹. I also said to make sure he has a good feed then get some rest please that was about 6.30pm the last messages back and forth. She didn’t text again until about 11.30pm just saying she is so confused with life, which is common for ptsd sufferers I have found especially when overwhelmed, but I also found out more slowly her medication had run out and she drank wine on Saturday which in turn flushed it out of her system. Bringing back the anxiety tied to ptsd back like a floodgate poor girl. So I said darlin do you think you should see your doctor, she phoned her doctor this morning and her script is being faxed across and I will pick it up for her later on. That to me is a huge step, I did say to her to let me know how she was feeling when she awoke and that I’m here for her for the long haul, nothing pressuring at all just supporting, making some progress 💕

[white knight]

I'm so happy you have learned so much here and EM thankyou for your kind words and support for this great guy.

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Wow Toby, your support is so kind, caring and understanding.
Hey Tony, our White Knight indeed, you're awesome. Hugs. 

Toby, PTSD can manifest in different ways for different people and I see the symptoms as across a spectrum. 
Her "spectrum" my not be a wild as mine were, (mine used to be just like movies portray.... awful... a lot better now due to therapy)... we don't know yet. 

I know 100% you want to care for her like any wonderful partner does with someone they love. 
She may really need this on the spot care at times. 
At the same time, it's going to stand you in good stead to be able to empower her to make her own decisions... gosh it's like me Counselling YOU to be a Counsellor and neither of us are qualified lol. 

Basically, my analogy is one used with me before. 
A healthy relationship is observable when each person can stand alone independently and then connect, much like the goal posts in AFL (lol yep that's the analogy that was used). 
GF needs more than only you (and I'm super happy to see you directed her kindly to call her GP!! Then I'm super proud of her DOING that! omg wow)... her therapists and any other medical and MH professionals she needs to support her will hopefully empower her to health in all areas. 

I'm trying not to get too jargon like. 
But.... I will! Your boundaries need watching mainly because you're so sweet, loving and generous. 

Please "check in" with your own self regularly to see what your energy levels are like. It's really important to keep healthy within yourself. 

I'm sorry to say that oftentimes when we're supporting someone with any long term health issues, we, as the carers can sink low too. (I'm caring for my own children post trauma too). 
The very BEST advice I've been given, which frankly I thought was gobshite lol... but WORKED, is for the carer to DO SELF CARE and tons of it! 

You modelling healthy self-care and receiving the benefits is the best model for GF also. 
Like synergy, it works. 

So happy to have you on the forums Toby, you're so smart too lol, 
Love EM

[Toby1977]

🤗Thank you Em I couldn’t agree more with what you have said in your last reply. Apologies for my late reply but I have been busy with my job this past week. Fantastic news now is that she reaches out to me quite frequently, where as before she did not do this! Three times this past week, she sent me a text quite late it was just her saying that she is so confused with life, (she has no reason to be, great job, relationship and friends). Which I know now is part of the ptsd symptoms, plus along with not knowing what a sufferer needs is linked with this also when that cycle starts for someone. I asked how she was feeling as a text that late had me worried I did so the same as always, caring ,concerned and understanding. She mentioned her anxiety being high and unable to know where it is coming from. I said would you like me to come make you a cup of tea and can just sit with you make sure your ok, we don’t have to talk or do anything? She said I will have a shower and see you soon lol She had reached out earlier with a simple 🥹 when she said she was so tired after work, I told her to read her book, take a bath or have a shower pjs and watch tv. After her reaching out later in the night I did realise that simple emoji was her reaching out but couldn’t directly say it. I did say to her I’m here for her anytime always, I had to be up for work at 3.15 am but I will do this if it helps her get through. And trust me I caught up on the sleep, my self care is great, I see my buddy often, regular contact with my parents, sister and family. I do my regular walks and go fishing all my hobbies in my down time when my partner is working and to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Also I have reached out to my company’s employee assistance program and I’ve had two sessions with a qualified Counsellor and she is also a relationship expert. Doing wonders for me as I explained that my partner does suffer from ptsd, I have even more information now and feel I’m equipped to handle this and it feels so much easier now. I love my partner very much and anyone who truly loves someone will stick by them and adjust, it is not our partners fault they have this cruel affliction. Have a great weekend guys and thanks again 🙏🤗

[Toby1977]

I forgot to say that after work on Thursday, I came home had a shower and got changed then to a text message of could you please cook us a lamb roast for dinner lol It was really cute to me and also made me a little sad as she wanted to cook this for us. I knew she’d been struggling the last few weeks to hop out of bed and it was her day off and now my two days off work Friday and Saturday. So I went shopping and cooked a roast lamb and roast vegetables for us all, it cooked up great by the way 😂 Needless to say my partner and her two sons enjoyed it very much! Made me happy, because I know how tired she gets from not only her job, but on top off this crushing depression, anxiety and ptsd and it’s hard for her to get the energy most of the time. So I’m happy in the fact that she has had a healthy meal of meat and vegetables 😊 plus I love cooking anyway and hadn’t made that for a while 😂