Hi Rainbowgen.
I've listened, heard and understood you. Our stories are very similar - I too was raped; like you I did not report it to any authorities; and also like you the rapist was known to me.
This was 20 years ago now. I still have never reported it to the police, although I believe that legally I still can. But I couldnt do it then, and I still cant. It still feel physically ill when I think that the perpetrator could have gone on to do the same thing to others. This makes me feel at least partly responsible, because I allowed him to get away with it back then. I dont know if he has, and maybe I dont want to know. But I still hold that guilt.
Rainbowgen all these feelings you are experiencing are very typical of someone who has been raped. And it is very important that you have support around you, so its great that your partner is there for you. Its understandable that he gets upset when you speak of this, he can see you suffering. He obviously cares for you a great deal.
Whatever the circumstances of a year and a half ago, it was not your fault. Rape is a power trip for the perpetrator. As Fairywings says, part of that power is to make us feel it was our fault, even that we were somehow asking for it. That isnt the case.
You deserve far better than to have to live with these feelings of shame and guilt that haunt you. Keep in mind that if you ever change your mind and decide to report what happened, that you can still do so. So tuck that away in the memory banks knowing that the option can be revisited at a later date. It can actually be quite an empowering knowledge to hold onto.
You said that the only person you have told was your partner. That means you have never sought any help from your GP or a counsellor at the time nor since. Do you think it may be beneficial to talk about all your thoughts and feelings with a counsellor or a psychologist at some point? I know its a really difficult thing to do. It took me 19 years to finally seek help for my PTSD. Now I'm glad I did, and I can see small improvements as a result of trauma therapy over the past year. For years I just wanted to forget about it, or thought I should just be able to get over it by myself. Unfortunately I couldnt, and in fact it got worse over the years.
So I would encourage you to speak to your GP about getting a referral to a cousellor/psychologist. Trauma usually needs professional intervention to help overcome the worst of it.
Kind regards,
Sherie
