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Opening up for the first time about my trauma
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Hi, I joined this in hope of finding someone who will hopefully listen and understand. I have always put myself in a place where I didn't mean much and over the past year I have been working at changing that which has lead to the rise of other issues. Crypt I know.
I'm really not sure what to say, i'm young, I've been hurt and I feel like it's my fault
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Hi rainbowgen welcome
I'm the same as the wonderful fairywings, I'd like to know more.
We are an in here, so no fear.
Tony WK
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hello rainbowgen
this probably wont mean much to ease your suffering..
i just wanted to say I am very sorry
i am paul and my heart aches for what you have and are going through x
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Hi Rainbowgen.
I've listened, heard and understood you. Our stories are very similar - I too was raped; like you I did not report it to any authorities; and also like you the rapist was known to me.
This was 20 years ago now. I still have never reported it to the police, although I believe that legally I still can. But I couldnt do it then, and I still cant. It still feel physically ill when I think that the perpetrator could have gone on to do the same thing to others. This makes me feel at least partly responsible, because I allowed him to get away with it back then. I dont know if he has, and maybe I dont want to know. But I still hold that guilt.
Rainbowgen all these feelings you are experiencing are very typical of someone who has been raped. And it is very important that you have support around you, so its great that your partner is there for you. Its understandable that he gets upset when you speak of this, he can see you suffering. He obviously cares for you a great deal.
Whatever the circumstances of a year and a half ago, it was not your fault. Rape is a power trip for the perpetrator. As Fairywings says, part of that power is to make us feel it was our fault, even that we were somehow asking for it. That isnt the case.
You deserve far better than to have to live with these feelings of shame and guilt that haunt you. Keep in mind that if you ever change your mind and decide to report what happened, that you can still do so. So tuck that away in the memory banks knowing that the option can be revisited at a later date. It can actually be quite an empowering knowledge to hold onto.
You said that the only person you have told was your partner. That means you have never sought any help from your GP or a counsellor at the time nor since. Do you think it may be beneficial to talk about all your thoughts and feelings with a counsellor or a psychologist at some point? I know its a really difficult thing to do. It took me 19 years to finally seek help for my PTSD. Now I'm glad I did, and I can see small improvements as a result of trauma therapy over the past year. For years I just wanted to forget about it, or thought I should just be able to get over it by myself. Unfortunately I couldnt, and in fact it got worse over the years.
So I would encourage you to speak to your GP about getting a referral to a cousellor/psychologist. Trauma usually needs professional intervention to help overcome the worst of it.
Kind regards,
Sherie
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They never anticipate the horrible memories that linger on for you, thoughts that keep on recurring and there are too many occasions where you are reminded of what happened.
This person needs to be reported to the police, because as terrible as it is for you he could quite easily do it again to some other poor unexpected person who's life could be tarnished just as it has for you.
Being raped could never ever be your fault, how could it be, you were in a situation that he took advantage of, you didn't know any wiser back then, and now you are trying to get on with your life, this can happen but not until this creep is put behind bars.
Now can I ask you to get someone you trust, like your partner or a close friend to reveil what happened to you by disclosing the details to the police, I know how hard this is going to be, but once you can do this then a great weight will be taken off your shoulders, because for you to move forward this should be done, otherwise it will like dragging a chain behind you for the rest of your life.
I'm not sure which state you live in but in NSW to report a rape you can ring 1800424017, and counselling 1800211028 and other states will have their own phone numbers, and as hurtful as it is, the police maybe hunting down a rapist who has continually done exactly the same to other ladies, you will be doing yourself a great deal of help and I hope lithen up your life, but I really hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x