Emotional flashbacks really sting my heart

[Cornstarch]

I really struggle with emotional flashbacks of complicit bystanders to my child abuse. I have had years and years of therapy that continues to this day. I exercise, eat well, I love my friends, I have dependable employment, I have the best clinical psychologist in the southern hemisphere and do everything "you're meant to do" when you have complex PTSD. Despite this, I just can't budge the pain in my heart when I am being flooded with emotional flashbacks to one of the most hurtful elements of the violent sexual assault in my early life. I was raped in front of my perpetrators wife and she did nothing. In fact she started giving me gifts.

I was raised in a house with "parents, who should never have been parents" if you know what I mean. What this meant in light of my assault is that it reinforced the feelings of 'disregard' and 'worthlessness' that I felt when a mother figure did not save me, and in fact endorsed the crime, never to mention a word to authorities. My parents unfortunately kept my nervous system in a state of perpetual shock.

I know this must sound ridiculous and way over sensitive, but an example of me struggling with emotional flashbacks when I'm in their grasp, would be my boss, or another authority figure rolls their eyes at me, or gives me negative feedback on the job, or simply does not say hello. It may just be other females in the office not liking me. This triggers all my grief and intense sadness. I time travel back decades to the precise second when I saw her presence once the violence was over, and her cold inaction at my powerlessness. I run to the toilets at work and I burst into tears like a teenage girl. I have done so much inner work that I am consciously aware that I have had an emotional reaction that is "out of context", that I am safe, that I have people that love me..........and yet the sting in my heart is so intense some days I just want to go to a deserted island and cry until sunset. I don't feel like a bottomless pit of depression is in front of me. I feel like a bottomless pit of grief and sadness is. I don't know how to help that heal when I have been so deeply betrayed by both sexes.

I love all my friends. But there's also a part of me that is secretly scared of them. It's like I'm crouching and waiting for people to hurt me.

Does anyone else experience emotional flashbacks to trauma that you intellectually know are 'old wounds' and nothing to stress about, and yet they sting like hell?

[white knight]

Hi Cornstarch, welcome

Firstly, thankyou for such a well written post. It allowed an older man insight into such a terrible experience and betrayal.

There are many pieces if your post I can't comment on due to lack of knowledge. But hoping others here can shine a light where your darkness prevails

Some threads on this forum over many years might just assist you. Maybe you can read one per night.?

Google Topic: depression and sensitivity a connection?- beyondblue

That one covers sensitivity ...I'm as sensitive as one can get I think. Your description if the "rolling eyes" etc is spot on. We can read people well.

I've picked up on the fact that you have been doing everything asked if you yet you find it hard to progress. Sometimes doing things textbook doesn't mean these things are the answers.

For example. Years ago I approached my issues in the traditional way. One answer to my problems was to move to the country away from triggers like crowds, parking meters and peak hour traffic...yet no one suggested it.

I am glad you are here and wish you well.

By the way, those people that did that to you....it wasn't your fault. They are guilty beyond any common decency.

You write so well you should consider writing. I write poetry. We have a poetry thread here. You might want to read some

Tony WK

[Cornstarch]

Oh thank you Tony, I've never considered myself a writer. I will read some more threads. I would love to live in an environment that is less stimulating, but unfortunately my work keeps me here. In the past when I've been unemployed it was very bad for my self-esteem and I had too much time to think about the past. So I have to prioritise work. I do go crazy at times.

I really struggle with out of context sensitivity when I have been triggered. PTSD has been described and labeled as a 'mental illness'. When in fact how it feels inside to me, in the head, in the heart, and in my body, would be best described as a "sensory processing disorder". I said to my clinical psychologist everyone takes brain processes for granted that I simply cannot do. I have no filters that are appropriate to their context. I have no skin. I cannot put anything in boxes anymore and compartmentalise my brain without tremendous effort. All information coming in, is filtered through the fear of a 5 year old child. It is quite simply exhausting to not experience life in the present and to be constantly moving through the world as a terrified 5 year old.

I used to wish that the numbness of the shock would lift so I could actually feel something and not be frozen in dissociation all the time. But be careful what you wish for. Because when shock lifts, so comes the sadness. Sometimes I consider starting a support group for childhood sex abuse survivors when I'm more financially secure and feeling robust, but until I get a little piece of my soul back, I will just have to stick to myself.

Thank you for your kindness.