Obsessive thoughts about trauma: Over 10 years of severe abuse from a parent

[lennon11]

Hi all, new here to the forum.

Over the past couple of months, I've had memories resurfacing about physical, sexual and emotional trauma that I experienced from my father for over 10 years while growing up. He had substance abuse problems and untreated mental illness which influenced the situation, as well.

Now I'm at a place where I'm basically thinking about the memories all the time. There are so many things that I am feeling and trying to piece together. I am also trying to make sense of why these things happened - what frame of mind he was in and such.

These obsessive and intrusive memories are basically starting to take over my life, specifically influencing my focus with work and school.

And it is all very isolating...I don't think anyone in my life would understand what happened or what I am going through now (nor should I expect them to). No one in my family knows what happened. I've told my partner and a couple of friends that I've been through abuse but haven't gone into much detail, basically for fear of overwhelming them. I've talked with a counselor a couple times but didn't find it completely helpful as it focused more about logistics of taking care of myself in general - I normally have a healthy lifestyle so that's not what I'm struggling with, it's the obsessive thoughts. And for reference, I've been on meds for bipolar for a while and have meds to spot treat anxiety, which generally work well. But these symptoms have been worse lately, as the ptsd has been worse.

Normally I wouldn't feel the need to talk about these things, but lately the trauma has been taking up most of my thoughts and attention. It can be difficult to not feel able to express what I'm really thinking and feeling to the people in my life.

I have tried to spend time sitting with these thoughts to process and feel. Obviously there is a lot that happened and my mind is trying to make sense of it all. But I can't just sit and think about it all of the time.

My coping lately has basically just been to distract myself. As soon as I stop focusing on something, then the traumatic memories tend to come back.

Just looking to see if anyone has similar experiences with obsessive/intrusive Ptsd thoughts. What do you do to handle them? Do you talk about your trauma with the people in your life?

Thanks very much.

[lennon11]

Hi there,

Hope you are well. Just wanting to give an update.

I have been experiencing intense flashbacks lately that sometimes take me up to a few days to recover from. I'm feeling pretty strung out and tired. 

I can enjoy doing things out of the house and socialising with people and I'm very grateful to have those relationships and moments of connection and happiness. But during those times, I feel the trauma lingering in the back of my mind and it takes conscious work for me to not think about it too much and to instead be present.

Then as soon as I'm alone, my mind goes into the mode of dissociating and/or obsessing over traumatic events and symptoms. 

So, I enjoy being with people that I care for of course. But in some ways, it is work and it feels like it would be nicer and easier to be alone. But then when I'm alone, I'm often "in" my trauma or am just exhausted from trying to be social and do normal life things, so that doesn't feel nice either.

Just looking to experience some genuine calmness and relief...

I had a positive therapy session the other day and was vulnerable with my therapist and felt cared for. So I ended up feeling better and lighter after that. It was a meaningful moment.

But the trauma symptoms and underlying anxiety and tiredness basically never go away.

Wishing for some peace for myself and for anyone else on the forums who needs it.

[Sophie_M]

Dear leenon11
 
Welcome back and thank you for providing an update of where you are at right now, we are glad that you feel safe enough to share your experience here within our online community.
 
It sounds a mighty challenge having to experience these flashbacks, and to have to work with this trauma in the back of your mind as you try to be present with those around you.  It explains how this then leaves you feeling that it’s easier to be alone, which as you mention, perpetuates the trauma. 
 
We are so glad you continue to work on your journey to better mental health through therapy, and that you are finding this helpful in coming to terms with finding ways to live with those symptoms while at the same time in way that you can also thrive.
 
Leenon11, if ever you need to talk, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat, our counsellors are always here to support you whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. Thanks again for sharing, we truly value your contribution.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M
 

[lennon11]

Hi all, back to update/vent. Hoping someone can relate and/or give advice? 

I've been getting hit hard with symptoms lately and have been feeling like I am *really* traumatised.

I am constantly being reminded of my trauma, even by unrelated things.

Triggers, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares. 

Difficulty feeling safe (even though I actually am safe and am very grateful to be in this stage of my life). Difficulty feeling relaxed and turning the worries in my brain off.

Difficulty relating to others.

Physical symptoms like pain, nausea.

Dissociation, numbness. Shutdown. Loneliness. 

Exhaustion...

I am tired from dealing with these symptoms all of the time. I am on the meds and therapy path and those help to turn down the volume, along with my own coping skills, hobbies, etc. But my plate is still very full dealing with all of this. Generally feels like a full time job. Leads to persistent tiredness.

Because of this have had trouble completing my real-world job and other responsibilities. Not helped by the fact that these days I've been prone to shutting down in response to stress.

Have applied for Jobseeker and DSP but both have been rejected. Might try again or look for other options.

That said, I'm trying my best to be present. Taking care of myself. Grateful for the many beautiful things in my life and am happy to be finding meaning and okayness or even enjoyment out of the little things every day.

Those are wins to me. I just wish it seemed like that to the outside world.

I'm feeling like it's difficult living in a society that doesn't make room for my healing (like feeling like I have to work when I am really struggling to, stigma, all those things...).

But we can try to carve out our own paths and try to be gentle with ourselves. And keep on healing and fighting day by day.

Does anyone have any recommendations for alternatives to Jobseeker/DSP supports or other trauma or support groups that might be available?

Thanks in advance.