Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[smallwolf]

There is only 1 point I want to make at the moment. Honestly, I was about to go to bed and noticed you replied. Something told me the reply to this bit...

when I write to my younger self it was/is not so much about making the younger version of me feel better. That person disappeared all those years ago. In part it is about making sense of what happened.

And perhaps if I were to make this about you... (I hope you dont mind) it is about recognising you did nothing wrong at the time. It speaks to the evil of the those who abused you. Perhaps that not everyone is like that. And that now you are employed as .... and want to protect kids very much. How sorry you had to experience the abuse. You didn't give up. You deserved love and safety. And now (2020) you are safe. That you love the younger you.Take the hand of your younger self into this journey. You did nothing wrong.

*Hugs*

[Life3a]

i read your email and cried. Not in a negative way but in a way of .... i dont know.... I cant explain it. Maybe in some ways you understand what i mean. I dont mind you being open and honest with me. I like that you can do that. It helps me very much.

Its hard to not be able to see i did nothing wrong. I remind myself i havent. Im not convincing but i try. I want to write to me. I want to help me so much too. I want nothing more than peace , love and pure happiness. I found a list in my journal today of the things i want for me. I dont even know when i wrote it as there is no date. It listed 21 things. The overwhelming feeling became too much to handle. I wanted and still want so much for myself.

My letter to me would start as Dear Gabriella ....

I listened to a sermon this morning as i was getting ready for work by Pastor Steven Furtick. It was called a lesson of letting go. I also listened to "when your thoughts attack. It was so good. I needed it. It made me think too. Sometimes i feel as though its for me. He is speaking directly to me. Does that sound weird?

I hope your well. I hope your day has been blessed and studies are running smoothly. Id love to get my mojo back on my theology. I need some motivation.

Thank you for always being here for me. You've no idea how much it means to me. Im grateful

blessings

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Gabby i am sorry i hope you are ok

[Life3a]

Why are you sorry Mark?

[smallwolf]

That start sounds fine.

Mine started with something like "Future Tim writing to you to let you know that everything is OK".

You can also google search how to write letter your younger self - I did!

Remind yourself you are also trying and that is just as important. It took me a while to be able to reframe my thoughts and I mean a long while. I could not believe what I was writing - I could see it logically, but emotionally a struggle.

I have wanted to hide under a rock the last couple of days. It's because of an IT project. Anyway, I had coffee with a friend today exploring my options about my future. So at the moment I will do homiletics next term and stop there, theology wise. I would be able to get a preaching licenceby doing this one subject.

This might sound bad, but part of my motivation re study was to be able argue with those who would cherry pick verses for an argument. Being able to critically examine also became motivation to not just accept things blindly.

Anyways, then I can do the other counselling related subjects in the 2nd half of this year and see what eventuates.

My values lie in wanting to be useful, in helping.

One day I will you about discernment.

Tim

[Life3a]

Good Morning

Has anyone ever told you, you're inspiring?

I never thought about googling it. Ill look into it this evening. I have the kids today and im really excited. I havent seen them for a week. Its hard being a divorced parent when kids are involved but sometimes situations cannot be helped. I could never go back to their Dad.

When did you realise you wanted to be a preacher? If that's a personal question, Its ok if you dont want to answer it. I understand.

I dont think it sounded bad. Its a view and how you see things. I think there is nothing wrong with that.I think its great you have direction.

I feel something's missing in me. There's more to me than what i am doing and am. I cant seem to figure it out and i wonder if its because my emotions are blocking me from seeing or hearing within. All I know its about kids but that's all.The need to help. I feel what i am doing at the moment isn't enough. Its this ridiculous desire but i dont know what? Fear interferes a lot. I know why that's there and i'm working on it. If i bring it up with a friend how i feel im not understood. Its like im crazy to have a desire within ( even though i havent figured it out and dont know what) because i have kids of my own... I know it makes no sense.I dont know how to do this.

Can i ask you a question? How did you know your purpose?

This morning i woke up still... silent... Normally my mind races from the moment i wake up but today it was different. . I felt words were said to me. They were "Be still and know that I am God"... I had this sense of peace within. I heard another sermon last night and he said. You cant receive the new if you cant let go of the past".. My thoughts were,' WOW', and then i began to think. Tim I think too much! I am moving forward . I am trying to let go of my past even though its difficult. I am trying to remove old habits .. Im trying and that's important , right? I am moving forward and i am taking small steps every day .

Discernment is difficult but i believe you'll master it.

Blessings to you

Gabby

[smallwolf]

Some people at the church (Anglican) I go to had told me that I look like I belong in the sanctuary. I had little knowledge of a calling. I wanted to study theology as I got bored of hearing the same stuff each week - stagnant. It was something I was interested in as well. Now I don't like starting something without getting some out from it, at least more than knowledge. So the worst (?) I can do is this one last subject. As far as preaching is concerned I would also want people to be feel a little uncomfortable. Not controversial. A bit like "if you think you are without sin, be the first to cast the stone". I find a lot of people like the cast the stone first.

My purpose... talking with my psychologist, working out my values, wanting to be be useful. There are probably many other things. I learnt very early not to say what I thought. I would only find out about my father being on ADs when I first called mum about my situation. when my psychologist said I had suicidal ideations. I did not associate my not coping with mental health. Dumb I know. All of these things and more told me, plus the theology side, that I did not want others to get the point I did where the thought of ending my life became really real. (Sorry!) And reading.

For me I worked out that what I feel is lacking today is connection and community. People needing people to listen to them. Someone they can confide in knowing what they say won't be used against them at some time. Someone who care about the other person. If a person (lets say a school kid about the time things started for me all those year ago) is able to get help, not feel judged and can develop better coping mechanisms. If I can do my little part in that space the I would feel as though I am useful.

You mentioned removing old habits and trying nearing the end of your post. As you know I have been collecting quotes and I think this one might apply here...

The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. - Confucius

Now from me... you can only get the inside layers of a onion, or to the core of a problem by removing the outer layers. Kids don't jump into the water and expect to be a excellent swimmer. There maybe many stages or layers to get through before the core is revealed. Slow progress is good progress.