Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Life3a]

Hi Mark

im sorry i havent been emailing. Ive been having a tough couple of days and sometimes they way i cope is to withdraw myself from everything. Its easier. I know i shouldnt but its the only way i know. Work has been busy. The kids are settling in well. Its like they never had time off. They keep me on my toes thats for sure.

I hope both of your children are doing well and have adjusted at school. I hope your well too. Im sorry if im short and sweet today, im .....

blessings

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby good to see you on here.I understand needing time and space for yourself.I am the same.

The daughters been going ok back at school apart from a couple of hiccups.My son has been struggling with being back at school.He usually has to be picked up at about 12pm.I really dont know what to do.His school year as been mucked around so much this year.He really struggling to understand things.School holidays start at the end of the month hopefully we can get a clear run to then and try and get some routine in for him.

I hope seeing your psych helps you seeing them today.Just remember i am here if you need to talk.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

again, we can look back at the sheep in the paddock. It would take some time for things to click for me. Changes to how we think and feel take time. I still have periods when I feel like crap and don't want to talk to anyone either.

I hope your appointment with your psych went ok.

[Matchy69]

I hope you are ok Gabby and if not you know their is support here for you.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark, Things have been tough. To top it up my dog was admitted in hospital yesterday because she haemorrhaged. The vet didnt think she was going to make it. Sometimes things just become too much. I dont cope well and when im going through my own pain? I curl. I know my thoughts are controlled by me but Im not at the point where i am able to know how to deal with things. Im alone most of the time and telling someone im not coping when things get harder? Is something that doesnt come easy for me. Im trying too. My psych appointment was a struggle. I decided to not do hypnotherapy to relive my trauma because i dont think ill mentally cope with it. My psych was talking about hospitalising me when we do it so i'll be in a safe place. I cant Mark. I cant change it so why go back. Maybe its my way of protecting myself. I cant talk about it with my family. I cant tell my friends. I dont want to be alone so i chose to not take those chances. Maybe im wrong to think that way.

I hope your well. Hows your son? Its hard for him to adapt. Its not easy for children like him and it takes time. Social stories are really good for kids that struggle with change. Ive some great ones that would help but i know its impossible.

Hows your garden? I have my first orchard flower appearing which is exciting. Im not sure what colour it is yet. I have a number of different colours. Im surprised im having a flower this time of the year.

Thank you for checking on me. Its so kind of you.

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Tim,

I wrote this to Mark and i dont know how to CC you. Im not even sure one can.

Things have been tough. To top it up my dog was admitted in hospital
yesterday because she haemorrhaged. The vet didnt think she was going
to make it. Sometimes things just become too much. I dont cope well and
when im going through my own pain? I curl. I know my thoughts are
controlled by me but Im not at the point where i am able to know how to
deal with things. Im alone most of the time and telling someone im not
coping when things get harder? Is something that doesnt come easy for
me. Im trying too. My psych appointment was a struggle. I decided to not
do hypnotherapy to relive my trauma because i dont think ill mentally
cope with it. My psych was talking about hospitalising me when we do it
so i'll be in a safe place. I cant Tim. I cant change it so why go
back? Maybe its my way of protecting myself. I cant talk about it with
my family. I cant tell my friends. I dont want to be alone so i chose to
not take those chances. Maybe im wrong to think that way.

Hows study going? I hope its going well. Youll be almost finished. How have you been?

Melbourne has been so cold lately. Winter has really hit us.

blessings

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby I am sorry to here about your dog.I really hope she will be ok.I know how much she means to you.I am sorry that you are going through a tough time mentally.I have been struggling with some things my self.I know hard it is to relive your pass and can't change it.I know how the things in the pass can control you.I would love you to have a happy future that is something you can control.I spend many days just crawled up on the lounge or in bed just wanting the bad things to go away.I push my self to get up and do something but it can be so hard at times.

School hasn't been going to good for my son.Hes been struggling with it and has been sent home early most days.Their is a new principle at the school who has changed things and is very strict.I had a long chat with her friday and her plan is to keep him at school all day no matter what.So I will see what happens next week.

My garden is growing well been picking plenty of mandarins and Bush lemons and even made lemon butter.The vegies are growing well and have carrots ready to pick.

I am so tired tonight I only had 2 hours sleep last night.I had to much going on in my head.

I really hope your dog will be ok as well as you.

Tale care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

Hey Gabby,

If it make it easier you can mention me in your reply to Mark. Otherwise the feature you are looking for does not exist.

So many things to reply to in your post!

So ... onto your therapy question ... you said your appointment was struggle and questioned going back to that place and time. While I cannot answer your question per se I can tell you of a couple of things that may be helpful in some way. I think I told you had I had to write a letter to my 12 yr old self. Doing that exercise helped me to work out things turned out OK and I am only where I am ... things are OK. The other things is related to (broadly speaking) to forgiveness and a book by Desmond Tutu and his daughter who wrote on the topic saying there are 4 stages to forgiveness - naming, describing, forgiving, and resolution. A person may be the "stuck" in a phase and having to retell the story over and over. Or they find it hard to tell the story. The resolution is whether you renew or relationship or not. End of the day it is about moving forward and releasing the hurt. Don't be too hard on yourself because going there appears too hard.

Only 1 question to answer in study and it is just a self-reflective one. I sent an email to center about the last 2 pracs and then done on that one. I also have to chat to someone on what I am going to do with my BTh that is on hold - I have done enough for another dip. And if I do one subject I am also qualified to preach if I wanted to. And there is also what others have been saying to me in this area. Things to weigh up!

Otherwise... ups and downs for me.

Last thought for you, and this is not advice in any way. Talking about suicide with my psychologist was hard for me. It makes me feel weak, not in control (which I like), failing etc. When I finally talked about it, was like releasing a pressure valve on a pressure cooker. Maybe gave myself permission to talk. And I am still here.

So are you - very precious, and deserving of happiness.

In Brissy, well... try to get to winter.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Life3a]

Hi Mark and Tim,

Im sorry i havent emailed. I do miss talking to you guys.

Im mentioning you together because at the moment its just easier. Im ok, i think. Angel, my dog haemorrhaged internally and its been a real difficult time. The saddest and hardest thing was being told she may need to put down. That broke me as shes the dog that has helped me through some really tough times. The saying where they say a dog is a man's best friend? Its true for me. She getting there. She isnt fully recovered but they do believe she will be back to her usual self. I dont know what happened to her. We dont know if she has been poisoned or she had a reaction to something. Its been heart breaking.

I feel as though im being tested in so many levels. Its crazy to say but that's how im feeling. Every time i feel im getting somewhere i fall. I fall hard too. To be honest im tired. What happened to the energetic , bright, fun, enthusiastic woman? As much as life has been so damn hard I still tried really hard to fight it. Somewhere along the way i lost a part of me and ......I get frustrated.

I listened to a sermon the other day which was so good. It made me cry so hard. It was encouraging and it was as though this preacher was talking directly to me. Im trying to find all these ways in helping myself through this mess. i call it as mess because that's what i feel im in. Its probably best described as a tornado.

Im trying and right now as hard as it is, I wont give up on me. Sometimes i find it harder because I dont have anyone to talk too.Im blessed to have you two. Im seen as this happy woman but inside i feel so different. Im a woman with two masks.

I had the saddest news at work, a student whom i teach parents are involved in heavy drugs addictions. My heart broke. I wanted to save this child and just nurture him but i knew i couldnt. What made it sadder was this child will have emotional issues as he grows older and deep down i wanted to protect him from the world he knows. Id love to save children who have a life of abuse , trauma or anything where they feel so unloved and unsafe from their loved ones. Id love to build a shelter or a home where they can come too and just feel love.. Unconditional love and a place of encouragement. A place they call home. OMGoodness!!! Why do my tears flow so easy down my cheeks ? Im the girl that wants to save the world because no one got to save her.......

Thanks for listening

[Life3a]

Tim,

Ive been reflecting on your email. How do i go back to a place that traumatised me? A place where i was meant to feel safe but it only caused fear and pain? A time where I wish never existed? A time where life as a child should of been fun, nurturing, safe, loved. I wouldnt even know what to write to myself. I wouldnt even know how to make the little me feel better especially knowing i couldnt protect her. Knowing that I knew no different. Knowing i was afraid to say no... I ask God what did i do? Why? Will my heartache turn into joy someday? Gosh i really want hug. Tears tears and lots of tears...