Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Matchy69]

Sending you big hugs gabby.I hope your ok.

Mark.

[Life3a]

Id take the hug and a shoulder to cry on if you allow.. I know things take time and i know certain behaviours take time too. Its telling myself that Tim, that its ok .. A moment of weakness is so hard and sometimes its not easy. I hate myself when i loose control and things repeat. I needed to tell my psych.. I had no choice if i really want things to get better for me. Some days i feel ive got everything under control and other days i loose myself to the point of stupidity.. It hurts me mentally in the process.

Thank you for not judging me. That means a lot.

Im having a quiet one today.. Music is on and i sent my dog to the retreat for 2 days. I need me time.. I seem to be doing that quite often.. I guess its ok to do that too..

I hope your well and are enjoying your weekend .

blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Ill take that hug Mark.. . Something i really need right now. Im ok today. Ive sent the dog away for 2 days to be in my space. The kids arnt with me so im giving myself me time. I need it right now. Im trying really hard but my moments of weakness makes me do stupid things. I get mad with myself. Im trying to understand why but in time i hope i become stronger . Thanks for caring

I hope your well and are having a great day. This weekend has flown..

Blessings

Gabby

[smallwolf]

Doing ok today despite fleeting thoughts - I have started the last section of the last module today (completing the 2nd last). Part of that was creating a development plan which is both good and scary. To realise that I am close to finishing something and could start on a totally different job and especially at this time.

I am guessing that you had something like "Foot loose" on and turned up to ten. Me... I have been listening to a band called Paradise Lost (they play Gothic Doom stuff) which can get me out of the low space. Don't ask me how that works as their stuff is not the cheeriest of sounds.

When you repeat things or irritated with yourself, remember the story of the sheep in the paddock trying to get to the other side.

You can also cry on my shoulder - we are here for each other. As for judging, that accomplishes nothing and perhaps a reflection of the person doing the judging. Besides I am a reflection of my experiences and if you don't know me.... At least that is what I tell my psychologist.

Off to do some reading shortly.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby its ok to have a break and collect your thoughts and work things out in your head.I have things going on with me but have never told anyone not even on here.I feel to embarresed to say but maby one day.

I am getting anxious about tomorrow and my son going back to school and i am one of these people fears the worst.My son likes to shake everyones hand but as tou know isnt allowed so that will be difficult for him.

We are here if you need to talk.I hope you dont struggle with having the kids back tomorrow.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark. first of all i love the photo of your roses.. Its beautiful.

Opening up can be somewhat embarrassing. I feel more ashamed and i know i shouldn't but that's how i feel. Each day is a challenge .

How did your son go at school? I hope he went well. My students officially started today. We had a teddy bear picnic theme and they loved it. There was a few emotional children especially bec they knew the parents couldn't walk them in. Its been a big few weeks at home. Hopefully they'll adapt soon. i personally think the needy students and sensitive ones need their parents to minimise the anxiety but i also understand the importance of it. Hows your daughter going? I hope she's settling well at school. Before we know it we will be on holidays again.. i decided ill be doing no work during that time. Hopefully all restrictions are gone so we can enjoy them more.

Im feeling better than i did on the weekend. Work has distracted my thoughts which i needed. Ive had no time to think of anything..

anyway i better get things done here at home. My neighbour has invited me for dinner tonight. She's an elderly lady whose on her own. She's a beautiful being . Ive a lot of time for her.

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Tim.. Thank you so much. It means a lot knowing i can just cry on your shoulders even when you've things too to deal with. Im here for you too, always and the best way i know how.

Well done to your studies. How exciting for you and such an accomplishment. You've worked hard and you should be and im sure you are proud of yourself. A new career can be scary and exciting but i believe you'll be so good at it because you've been through things and are still going through things yourself. I havent been studying. I know i should. Ive lost my mojo. Too many emotions and not enough will.

Your right , i should remind myself about the story of the sheep in the paddock. I think sometimes when things become tough you forget about those things that get you through.

OMgoodness!! i must of told you i love footloose. lol.. its an awesome sound track and yes its up 10.. I seriously cant help it! If im going to listen to music i might as well have it loud ..right? Gothic does sound gloomy. What is it about that sort of music that you like?

My students returned to school today for the first time since isolation. It was a good day. We had a teddy bear picnic theme which they loved and we gave them teddy bear biscuits to eat. Its amazing how excited kids can get over the simplest things. Social distancing is hard but i think with kids its difficult as they just dont listen.

I hope you had a great day. Another day has gone by so quickly. Im ready for bed!! its not possible lol.

blessings

Gabby

[smallwolf]

In the moment I can forget to put into practice what I am told or supposed to do. Though now I am also collecting inspirational quotes. For example and this is the shortened version "I am the watcher. I am not the sadness". The rest of it includes " Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished".

There are times when I have gone days without study.

Yes you did mention Footloose in a previous post. I cannot listen to my music that loud. Family don't have the same tastes, nor do the neighbours. But you asked me what about that I like - outside of the sound, there is something in the lyrics, reminding me I am not alone and some even offer hope.

Good to hear you had a good day at school. Even my kids like those biscuits. I spent the last 2 days at the church office and felt better also.

Quote for the day...

Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most. - Buddha.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby i hope you had a good week back at the classroom and you are ok.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hi Tim... Im sorry i havent responded. Its been a tough few days. Sometimes my struggles are really difficult that i need to keep to myself. I know its unhealthy to do that but sometimes its the only way. Im not sure whats going on with me atm. Its like a large can of worms has been opened and it hasnt been fun to deal with. What i will say im tired of crying. Im speaking to my psych tomorrow after work. Not sure if im wanting too but we made a deal that no matter how i feel , ill talk to her even if i need to listen and she talks.

anyway, i hope you are well .

blessings

Gabby