Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[smallwolf]

Silence is good. Noise can be good also - when the kids are doing things like talking in the background and watching TV and.... music (and loud music) makes a nice distraction. The 80s were OK. My tastes are actually quite varied - everything from Dire Straits to Elton John to Heavy Metal and Classical. Though I found a place in heavy metal and that is a story in itself - we can save that for another time.

From your last post it sounds as though you have been very productive - doing more stuff with your hands in painting.

Noticed from Matchy69 you were making pizzas as well?!? I do that for the kiddies as well. Their tastes are quite "plain" - one is a meat lover and other is hot salami and cheese. But I also make the pizza sauce when I have time.

Yes, I did really like the Simpsons. Not sure how many seasons I watched. I did watch the movie. And yes, that was where the doh! and duh! came from for me. Thinking about it, duh! was also something we said in high school as well.

I am exactly the same as you when it comes to study. Have a meeting tonight and hopefully will tackle another question. While there are some night I let slip, I try not to let a day go by when I don't answer at least one question - but I have to force myself. If it was not for the meeting tonight then I would try to do more. I think it is just that getting started on that first question is "hard".

I see my psych on Thu. There have been times (not recently) when I used to feel lower than when I went in. That is not necessarily a bad thing. I would see it as a time for reflection to work on the next piece of the puzzle that is my life. And depending on how you go with your psych, I am always here listening.

As for me... existing.

Tim

[Life3a]

Hey Tim,

Im sorry i havent emailed. I needed some time to think. Some days i find that i can tackle things well and other days i dont. Its annoying at times how i'm like a yoyo. I saw my psych today. It was meant to be yesterday but she changed it. I had a great day at work and didnt want her to darken my day. Ummm, it happened exactly as i predicted. I told her i didnt want to talk today but she wanted to know how i was coping. There is so much to cover that time just goes so quickly. The more we talk the more ive realised how broken i am. Im existing in a world and not living. it sounds weird. I told her about the bowl we talked about. Omy goodness Tim, i forgot how to spell it. She found it interesting as it helped me.

Music: As long as it feeds your soul . It doesnt matter what type it is. I think my variety is large but i do love singing soul songs or at least songs that speak to the soul. I record my songs too which is fun. If im having a moment of weakness you hear it in my singing.You feel it too.

I knew you liked and watched the Simpsons. Every time you put it in your writing, you make me chuckle. I can just picture you saying it exactly how Homer would says it. Mind you i have NO idea who you are but its how you add it to your writing that gives me the visual.Totally funny.

I love making Pizza. Being Italian i also like making fresh bread and pasta. I barely buy them. Its so nice with home made sauce. Am i making you think of food? sadly its making me hungry! Its great you cook pizza with the kids. Its fun and the kids enjoy it. My kids have different toppings. My daughter likes plain but my son is quite adventurous. I made spaghetti pizza once. Fresh pasta, base and home made bolognaise sauce.

Im doing a few things at home. Its quite exciting. Honestly its nice to make decisions without anyone telling me yes or no. My fence came up so good and i painted it on the weekend and it came up great!. Thats my opinion anyway.

Good luck at the psych on Thursday. Do you ever feel its never going to end? Its good for us though. Healing is positive. Thanks for being here for me. You and Mark have been so nice to me. Its been nice talking to you both and not feeling alone in this. Im here for you too. Always. I may not always know what to say but i can try.

Im glad you have studied. Ive done nothing this week. Thats so terrible of me. I need a good reminder..

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Mark, Sorry i havent replied to your email sooner. I needed time to think. Not a good thing to do sometimes but i needed space.Space from everything.

Wow about your cat. Im so glad you got the chance to keep it still. How strange though that you found out after so long?

How did your concrete go? I hope it didnt rain for you yesterday. How exciting that we are both doing our garden. You seem to know what your doing and i on the other hand dont. Lol. Ive decided if its ok with you that you could give me advice on mixtures of plants when i choose them . You seem quite gifted in that area.

Your story defiantly inspires and helps me with my son. Its nice to know someone out there understands him and can give me advice on how to help him. His a good kid Mark, he just needs help along the way and i dont know what to do sometimes.

Pizza toppings: I like a lot of varieties. Mainly mixtures of different cheeses and sauce sprinkled with fresh oregano and basil on top. Yummy.. The basil and oregano gives it a fresh taste and because its fresh its flavour is incredible. I like to experiment on different toppings. I made calzone pizza which is a pizza base folded in half and the topping is inside. I did it with roasted vegetables. OMGoodness.. Sooo good.

Your cat sounds like my dog! your cat sounds funny too . I wonder why she's so fascinated with your bed. Its interesting.. I dont know what to do with my dog any more. She is so crazy. She was diagnosed with ADHD. I give up.

Your mum in an orchard club? That would of been so good! I love orchards. I think they are exquisite . Theyre delicate and so beautiful .. If i had the room id build an orchard shed. Where i live now, it used to be an orchard farm many moons ago.

Thank you for always being here for me. You have worked me out well. I do find it hared to talk about things. Mark, i sincerely hope that you know im here for you too. Im truly blessed to have met Tim and yourself here. The advice and ears given by the two of you, are eternally grateful.

I saw my psych tonight. Every time i see her it reminds me of how broken i am. We havent even gone deep yet. We are still getting to know each other and building trust between us. She said today my pieces are broken. Ive a lot to get through.

I better get some sleep. Im going in to work tomorrow. Full time return as of Monday. NOOOOO

blessings

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby i hope you are ok.The back to school thing is having all sorts of effect on the teachers and parents involved.I havent any imformation or told what i have to do monday.I am hearing reports of schools having drop off zones for the kids but this wouldnt work with my son.I have to walk him in and hid teacher or teachers aid will take him by the hand but probably wont be allowed.And after such a long break is going to be difficult and everything is going to be changed and thats going to make it more difficult for him.I could imagine the stress you will be put under.

Yesterday i went for a motorbike ride and did about 250kms.It was a nice relaxing ride.I needed some stress relief like that especially when my kids are at their mothers.I will pick my daughter up today and my son friday afternoon and then monday two to take to school.

I hope your psych session wasnt to painful for you and helped.Broken pieces can be put back together and made whole again and in away that you can have more enjoyment in life.It will take time but slowly it can happen and really hope it does for you.

My concrete turned out good.Slowly this garden bed is coming together and see it in full bloom by the end of the year.I would love to help you chose plants for your garden.One tip is to walk around where you live and see what plants are growong well in your neighbours yard that you like and then try and find them at the nursery.My neighbour has olive trees in his yard and are growing really well and he dosnt touch them so i planted one here and is growing really well and had a few olives on it after only a couple of years.

My mum was in a few plant clubs.The orchard club was good for getting new varieties and my mum use to show some of hers and win prizes.

It just been raining here this morning only some light showers so far.I had a spit of rain yesterday but it was ok.It has been so dry here so rain will be good for the garden.The towns around here ate on bore water and some have run out of water.I big water tanks here thst keeps me going.

I hope you can manage being back at work full time ok and i am here if you need to talk.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark

I really enjoy reading your emails. Thought Id throw that in...

I can understand your concern for your son. We are having the same rule here. No parents are allowed on the premises because of the virus. They are trying to protect families. I understand that but this will effect the kids that have high anxiety and children with needs. In not sure how it will go. I raised the same concern to my boss today as i was on site but its a government requirement. Its going to be a very stressful day but we can only do our best to ensure the kids will transition ok. One thing came to mind, does your son have a social story in returning to school? I would love to be able to pass things on to you to help him. Ive so much resources and i also prepare them for my students.

A motorbike ride would be so much fun. Do you ride much? I used to say i wanted one only because the feeling of being free when on one but i always change my mind. I think it because the wind would mess up my hair. No laughing. Im serious. Im the most fussy person when it comes to my hair. Ok im fussy about my presentation full stop.

I think ill do that. Ill walk around and get different ideas. Being an old orchard farm as i live in an orchard estate, the soil here is excellent. Apparently anything grows and it grows well. The soil is very red in colour and very soft. I'll be planting a weeping willow blossom (miniature) in my front garden. I saw a photo of it and instantly fell in love with it. I really appreciate you wanting to help. I got all excited!

My psych appointment was heart breaking as usual. We touched on some sensitive things that i found hard to deal with. I know its important to slowly peel the layers as i call it but it can be so hard. Something traumatic happened to me as a child its been traumatising for a very long time. I guess its a progress of healing. I really want to have a happy life. I want to be in a solid relationship someday and not be so afraid. Id like . I guess sometimes one needs to go through the storm to get to the rainbow. I need to go through it. Not sure if i can cope but i need to try.

Im so glad your garden and concrete is coming along so well. How exciting is! I can see you really love doing your garden. I sat back the other day and looked at my home and was so proud of myself that what ive done , ive done it alone and with no help. It was overwhelming but it felt good at the same time.

anyway im running out of characters lol

Blessings Gabby

[smallwolf]

when words are written the meaning as interpreted by the reader can be different to the writer. For example, your use of the word interesting regarding the bowl. These days I use that work dripping with sarcasm. I know that is probably not how you intended it, just my warped mind. I also knew you had spelt it wrong, just was not worth correcting as I knew what you meant. I am not a spelling ____. It is good to know that you have found it helpful as well.

I had my session today. She read through my homework. We talked about the difficulties I have working from home. Also about the blurring of work/home boundaries. I probably have not told you that story yet. To make a longer story short... we did not get to to chatting about how my mind goes from "normal" into death wish mode and I had to write down the steps from A to B. It comes when I feel overwhelmed with things.

Also glad you find the doh! funny as well. As an aside I was writing a letter to my 12 year old self. I initially mentioned that I did not want tell him what happened in his life as he might go a change it. Them I wrote down that time travel is not possible, and that I could not post it anyway. And out came doh! again. It somewhat natural in some contexts.

Talking about pasta and pizza. I have a pasta maker at home - a manual one. Got it cheap from Robbins Kitchen. It was a suggestion from the psychiatrist. I like cooking and need challenges to feel good about myself. So how does one make pasta better - make it yourself. So I do. That can also be a good grounding technique also - using hands etc.

do I feel as though it will end?

I have to say 'Yes' otherwise I will never find joy in my life. That is what I am searching for now. And that also means doing things that make me feel good about myself and are aligned with my values. At the moment it would seem these are not aligned. And to get to that place I have find the bridge from the current space into that greener space. My quote for today...

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. - Confucius

Hope that makes sense.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby.I am glad you enjoy reading my emails on here.O enjoy reading yours to.It is allways nice getting one from you.

My son has been asking to go back to school but i know he is going to be anxious on monday as well as me.I don't know if the government has thought it through about the kids with special needs and anxiety.I will see how it all goes monday.My daughter has been going better this week at school and wants to have more driving lessons again.i would appreciate any advice and help you have for my son.

I do really like gardening and planting things watching them grow and flower and fruit.This out here would have been dairy and soil is rich black soil and their is cattle properties and grain and hay farms surrounding me.

I do like going for rides when i can get the chance.I have two bikes registered so i try and get out when i can though it is hard with kids and haven't been anywhere under all the restrictions.The easing of restrictions means i can get out more.

I has something bad happen to me when i was a kid and it effected me with certain things and still does.I really try not to even talk about.I haven't even told a psychologist about it.I always leave that out from my past.

It rained quiet steady yesterday and this morning seems cold as i lay in my bed typing this with my cat next to me purring.I usually start my morning with a honey lemon drink from my lemons.My tree is loaded and so are my Tangelo and mandarine.I will make some marmalade and lemon butter out of my fruit.

I hope you have a good friday and the weekend will be here.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[Life3a]

I need to vent .. Im not sure what youll think of me after it . Im exploding !!! . . I have this addiction which i cant seem to stop. I want too and every single time i say , no not today ? I fail. No, im not going to say what it is. Its like i become someone that im not. I cant even describe it. My psych knows and she said its common for this behaviour. we talked about it on my last session. Im soooo angry with myself at the moment. Im angry i loose control. Im angry i keep repeating myself over and over again. Im mad right now!!!!! ... AAHHHHHH..

Grumpy here is going to bed. Hopefully in the morning im not as angry with myself.

[Life3a]

Hi Mark

Ill reply to your email when im not so angry. You can read my email to Tim. I couldnt CC you in it. I didnt know if i could.

Gabby

[smallwolf]

Hey, I certainly wouldn't think any less of you if I knew. And you did not say a word anyway. It is also ok to be grumpy.

On a positive note you spoke about this with your psychologist. And perhaps they gave you some advice?

Try to be kind to yourself. You cannot change overnight. Someone said to me on Thursday that real healing is slow and takes time. You are doing the best that you can.

And if you permit -.a virtual hug. Tomorrow is another day.

Peace to you.

Tim