Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Life3a]

Hi there Mark,

Im so glad i didnt. I honestly like talking to you too. It feels nice to talk to someone that gets you and understands you.

Im sorry your daughter is scared about everything. Its hard to hear those words especially when we understand it ourselves. Im proud of her for telling you. It would of been a big thing for her. I hope she gets to see her phycologist before her appointment. Its so busy for them at the moment. Is there someone else she can talk too in the meantime? I know when a child has selective mutism they talk to no one.. Its a thought. I wish there was a way i could help her. I know ... thats totally impossible.

Im so sorry you need to have surgery again. My prayers are with you my friend. If there is anything i can do, please let me know. I could listen, make you laugh till it hurts, smile or even tell you about my garden project. Hey i can do all that anyway!!... Its in case you need extra support ..Im here for you... Do you know how i get by? I say to myself "Gods got me". Even when i dont understand it. Gods got you too and i hope thats ok to say that.

I went to a nursery today. I walked around like a lost soul. All these plants ! i had no idea what i was looking at or doing. I dont know much about plants. I have no idea where to start with this garden. I have a flare inside the house but not outside. I spent most of my day outside distracting myself from my thoughts. It was nice actually. The weather was beautiful today and the sky was crystal blue. Not a cloud in the sky. It felt good.

blessings to you

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby that was good yoy spent some time outside today.I know your garden will look amazing when you do them.Maby you could plant some herbs that you use in cooking.I love my herb garden and it smells amazing.I am making a new garden and did some work on that today with my daughter.I putting up a retaining wall with blocks and started on that.I plant some flowers and roses in there.

I am really worried about my daughter and how she is going to cope with life.I just want her to be happy but just dont know what to do.She dosn't seem to want to talk to anyone.

The weather here has been really nice.Not to hot and not to cold at the moment.We had a light shower of rain this afternoon but wasn't much.I am going to plant some Leeks tomorrow in the vegie garden.

I just watched a movie with my daughter Father of the Bride.I watch a lot of movies with my daughter.Watch all sort of things but she really seems to like Horror ones.

I am really worried about the surgery as it can leave permanet side effects and make me worst.After trying other options and discussing it with the specialist for the last 18months this looks like the only option now.If it comes off and works it will be wonderful.

I hope you enjoy your evening and the rest of the weekend.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[Life3a]

hey Mark,

Youve a lot going on at the moment. Just know im here for you. Thats what friends do. Right?

I know your worried about your daughter and understandably. Do you know what i think? I think it will take time for things to get better for her. Selective mutism is difficult however ive seen children talk. Especially to those they learn or gain trust. she'll learn strategies from her psych too. As a parent you will always worry about her. Its our job too but i do believe she will be ok. Im not saying there wont be challenges but she'll be able to deal with situations and her diagnosis the best way she can with the right support.

Ill tell you about my son. My son has sensory processing disorder as well as ASD. He has no friends because he doesnt want too. He stays home and doesnt go out. He loves his computer games and thats all he does all day except when he studies. He debates well. He has a fear of life. In saying all that, Im doing my best to give him the best of me. I help him the best way i can. Ive learnt to allow him to make choices (as long as they are safe) because i know what its like to live in fear (totally different reasons) and i remind him im always here for him. I cant do anything else. Is it what i want for him? No but i cant change how he is. I can only give him the support he needs and be the best mum i can be to him. I can only hope with the help he refuses to get (im still persistent in getting it ) that he will someday find a way to get help. His an amazing man but his struggles are real to him. Someday I believe he'll learn to manage it. Ill go nuts if i dont see it that way. Day by day. Moment by moment.

Your surgery: I cant imagine what your going through. Hope is where we believe that it will all be ok. I can understand your worried. I can understand that you'll have so much going through your mind but i also believe drs need to tell us the worst. Try not to worry so much about it. I know its easy said than done and you can tell me to shooosh if you like and that i dont know what im talking about. And your probably right, I dont but i believe in positive thinking. Face it if you need too.

My garden: Mark, ill take any ideas you have! Ive absolutely none except i do love roses and Mangolias. Thats it. I dont even have a green thumb. I wouldn't even know how to put gardens together. Its no laughing matter young man... I seriously dont!!

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby i wish i could come over and help you with your garden.It is so nice to be outside in the garden and nice thing is to make your garden what you want to grow.Nice to put in plants that you like.It was interesting you mentioned Magnolia as when i was probably about seven years old when mum got me and my brother to plant a tree each in the front garden.I planted a bottle brush and my brother planted a Magnolia and it grew to be huge magnificent tree that everyone commented how amazing it was.Unfortunately when sold my mums house a few years ago the new owners completely bulldozed my mums 50 y.o garden and it just has lawn now where all the nice gardens were and had won prizes.

I really feel for you about your son.I know how hard it would be for you.I know about your son not wanting to get help.That sounds like me when i was younger.My parents tried to get me help when i was a teenager but i refused.I didn't really have friends and didn't go out much.I started really getting help in my mid 20s on and off over the years.I think your son will get the help when he is ready.Try not to push to hard.

With the surgey i know their is going to be one permenet side effect which i am prepared for and if the surgery is a failure i could have one major one which is the one i am worried about.I just hope it is a sucess.

I am going to get out in the vegie garden today and it looks like a really nice day and i can see blue sky from my bedroom window.I have to get my sons weetbix now.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey there Mark,

Wouldnt it be so cool if you could come and help me! You sound like you have a green thumb and great ideas. I think magnolias are so beautiful. The flower is so perfect and unique. Then again what flower isnt? Im sorry about your mums garden. As much as its someone elses home , its still hard to see something that once was yours destroyed. Doesnt those kind of memories make you smile though when you remember?. I planted a rose called Mother and Daughter in my other home with my daughter. I wanted to take it in this place but my ex said No.. I decided I will be planting one in this place ..

Its hard with my son. I dont push him any more because he used to get mad with me and cry. I hope that someday he gets the help he needs. All i can do is be there for him. Did i ever tell you his my body guard? His 193cm tall (im 164) and stands beside me with his hands crossed and watches everything. He questions heaps too. Ive needed to say to him so many times that his my son not my Dad or partner. His so protective. I guess he did see me go through a lot with his Dad but still. What made you finally get help?

With your surgery, im just going to pray for you. Thats all i can do on my end. Im sorry you need to go through this but can you do something for me? On the count of 3, can you give me a big smile? Ready? 1, 2, and 3... I bet you showed your teeth.. lol.. Well i hope you did.

Have fun in you vegie garden today. Im going to clean the house and if time allows im going to sit outside and draw a plan of my garden. Ill start with my roses and Magnolias. Thats a start.. after that i dont know. lol. I cant seem to pass the thought of those two plants. The hardest thing is not knowing much about plants. I love going for walks at the botanic gardens and seeing different plants and trees but its not suited for a house garden. Its beautiful though.

Ive been so lazy this morning. I decided to have breakfast in bed and spoil myself a little. Self care . Im always on the go. If its not studying, its walking or training even cleaning. I never tend to stop because it makes me think too much. This morning i decided to stop, do a crossword, have a round of words with friends (love scrabble) and chillax it for a little while. Chillax is my word for chilling combined with relaxing.. i know, im a touch crazy. I have a tendency of making up my own words. lol,

blessings to you

[smallwolf]

Going to see parents was good but no hugging, touching etc. so it was a but different to usual.

I will be doing some study in a few minute and have to get lunch as well. I did get some questions answered between Wed and Fri so made some progress.

In one of those joyless states at the moment.

Working in the garden can be a good distraction - using your hands, eyes, the feel of the dirt/soil and plants, the smell of it. Some bushes need trimming but cannot be bothered to do anything about it yet.

I also look forward talking with my psych - getting things off my chest.

In Brisbane here is has been cloudy and got some rain yesterday and looks threatening as I write this but nothing yet.

There is a book called "the happiness trap" that I read (doh! again!) had some chapters relating to exercises you can do. for example using the cartoon character to say the negative thoughts, or singing the negative thought etc. Long story short, these did not work for me as it was the words themselves that hurt me. One of the positives that I got from this book was the author said something along the lines of recognising that if one technique does not work for you to try the next one and the same tools will not work for everyone. Take from that what you will.

I guess it must be quiet at your place then. Thinking of all the things I could do in that position.

Tim

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby I hope you had a good weekend.Mine was ok.I did some work in the vegie garden.I thought i bought some seedlings that i thought were leeks but when i went to plant them i realized i bought the wrong ones and bought spring onions but thats ok i planted them.

You asked me why i got help when i was in my mid 20s.I inherited my grandmothers estate and bought a house with my inheritance out in the country and moved there.It was really hard for me living away from my mother and i use to get my mother to bring up groceries and that for me once a month.I didn't go out much and was really struggling.My mother rung a social worker who ended up seeing and helped me to get help and i started seeing a psychiatrist and that.I started doing things for my self and started buying my own groceries once a month and slowly doing more normal things.I adventurally met a girl through an ad in the paper and married her when i was 35 unfortunately that didn't work out but thats another story.I feel their is hope for your son and hope he can adventurally get help and and do the things i did.I never thought i would ever get married or have children so it feels like a miricle that i did.

It would be lovely to help you with your garden.I can imagine how nice it could be.Their is so many nice roses out there for you.The colours and fragerance are amazing today.

I hope you have a nice evening.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

First of all its inspiring that you have come so far to here where you are now. You would most likely have 2 beautiful children that came out of your relationship. Its inspiring that you got help even if it was at an older age. It brings me hope that my son will get help too . Id love him to someday have a family of his own but im aware he needs to get help with a few things first. A step at a time. Thank you for sharing.

Today after work i decided to paint my fence which i built myself, lol. I did. Im handy which is strange because i always get called a princess by my friends. The colour is charcoal. Its looking so nice. Silly me ran out of paint and i couldnt be bothered to get more. I measured how much i needed incorrectly. I went for a good hour walk instead. I bought this charcoal garden box for my Orchards. I inherited my mums orchards when she passed. Ive over 15 pots. They are so beautiful and i have a large variety of styles. I thought id get them out of their pots and place them all together in one big garden box. This will also stop my dog from eating the leaves. Yes she loves the leaves and gets in trouble all the time. I decided it last night because when she was outside ,she decided to drag a pot to a different location. She broke the pot as i have rocks. Mind you these pots arnt exactly small!!

I looking forward to bed time. Im so tired today. Im mentally tired. My mind thinks too much . Drives me insane..

OH Guess what i made tonight? Pizza base. I normally make pizza when the kids are here but today i had this craving for it so i thought, why not.

Im seeing my psych tomorrow. Im looking forward to it. Im not sure whats going on with me but ill run with it. Things can change..

Blessings my friend

Gabby

[Life3a]

Silence is so good sometimes. I love to sing and sing a lot.I love my music so when im alone, i put the music loud (poor neighbours) , sing like im in a concert (just go with it) and dance like ive an audience. I love it! Especially to a sound track on spotify . Its called the elegant affair. It got a lot of old songs. Once i listen to that and sing like Mr Buble, i hit the 80s . Dont get me started with the 80s.. Footloose!. i honestly think that was the best decade.

I painted today after work. That was fun. I built a fence 2 weeks ago (yes im handy) and before i design my garden i thought id give the fence a good new paint look. Not bad if i say so myself. I havent finished. Ms here ran out of paint.

Out of curiosity did you ever watch the simpsons? Your Doh makes me chuckle all the time and it reminds me of homer... Ive heard of a book that talks about that . It might be the same one. I dont remember the title because i never read it. Someone else mentioned it to me. I need to look into it.

Im glad you got to do your studies. Sometimes motivation isnt great. I love studying but i need to force myself to do it and when i do i cant stop. Isnt that weird?

How was your day at work? I worked from home. Im on site on Wednesday and Thursday this week and then next week half of the year levels are back. Im back teaching full time on site. I hope you had a good day. Psych tomorrow afternoon. Im hoping i dont get in a mood. I always do after i see her. I feel worse as im made to talk about things i dont like talking about.

Anyway, i better make dinner. Its only me so im having a date with myself.. See total weirdness..

ciao for now

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby I had an interesting day.I found out who owned my cat that i thought was a stray after 3 years.I asked around when i first moved here but no one knew and was told it was a stray.It was skinny and starving.He said he was happy for me to have her as he didn't want her anymore.Which was good as i desexed her and micro chipped her.

I did some more work on my new garden and am going to do some concreting tomorrow.Then i will be able to lay blocks on top when it is set and make a retaining wall.

I hope my story can show you anything is possible and your son can one day have the things he wants in life.It was very scarey out times for me and very hard at times.

I hope seeing your psych tomorrow will help you.I know how emotional those sessions can be and hard talking about things you don't want to.I am here if you want to talk about it.I know it is hard for you.

Thats great you built your own fence.Doing things yourself can be rewarding and satisfying for you.I am sure charcol paint looks good.I allways seem to run out of paint to.

Home made pizzas are the best and am sure yours taste great.What toppings do you like putting on them?

My mum use to grow a lot of orchids to and use to be in an orchid club.They look so pretty when they flower.Your dog sounds like she is very mischevious.My cat likes using my bed as a scratching post.She does have a scratching post and uses it but my bed seems much better to scratch.

I hope you get a good night sleep tonight.You sound like you had a busy day and need a good sleep.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.