Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby it is nice to have good cry and hoped the doctor helped.I do that a lot.I am glad you enjoy talking to me.

I just woke up after falling asleep in front of the tv while watching a movie.I was so tired today.I put my pjs on now and hopped into bed and my cat joined me now she is asleep at my feet.

I will try and make the pasta muffins in next couple of days.I was going to make some lemon butter but havent got around to it yet.My lemon tree is loaded with fruit.

I was told many years ago if you keep your feet warm gou will never be cold.I usually where my warm slippers during the cold.I find my wood heater just warms the whole house up.

I to like waffles and my mum use to maje them a lot when i was a kid and serve it with ice cream and mapple syrup.Yum i feel like some now.

Take care,

Your friend,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

Please note I am only writing what worked for me, nothing more...

More on sleep - if you do a google search on "sleep hygiene" you should be able to find loads of useful information. The book on sleep I read was called "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker PhD. At the very first session I had with my psych, she also told me to look at "relax melodies" - this is the app where I could layer different relaxing sounds.

On you - whatever has happened in your past sounds very raw still to you. Whether your mind is protecting you, I cannot say. I think it would be safe to say that you have NOT lost the plot. Things from our past that have a strong effect on us in different ways - whether it is flashbacks or whatever. You are working with an psychologist and I would regard that as a positive. You would also be working on ways to deal with issue which is also a positive.

I used to go into sessions with a list of things to discuss with my psychologist. From the prev. session I might have homework to have done. What we cover in that session may not be homework or the list of thing, but something related to an item on that list I brought in. Why we would talk about that I am unsure, but weeks or perhaps a month later it would become obvious. I wanted to view my treatment similar to "breaking an arm" where there is a start and end point. I did learn that mental health does not work that way.

The jigsaw puzzle approach was my homework one time - again, an attempt to put some boundaries on or work out the size of my own issues. All I worked out was that the size of the puzzle was as big or small as it needs to be - it is what it is.

There may come a time when you are ready.

Last comment ... You said "I know i should talk". Should and but are words I use often and my psychologist suggested I replace with "wish" and "and". For you it might be "I wish I could talk X and it is very difficult at the moment". Should makes me feel worse whereas "wish" recognises my limitations whatever they are.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[Life3a]

I Know what you write are strategies that worked for you and im truly grateful that you share them with me. It helps more than you realise. Ive seen my psychologist 3 times. At the moment shes trying to add the links together and even though my GP has given her some feedback, she knows there is a lot more and she does say my behaviour says a lot of how traumatised i am. Im trying. I really really am.

It is still quite raw. Ive had a life time of abuse since i was very small and it was only 2 years ago i literally left my abusive past behind. I dont talk to my family,uncles, aunties and cousins except my sister as well as other people that ...i always stop dont i? .As well as my ex husband.I have nothing to do with him. Im too afraid to see him .If only i was so simple.I guess any trauma isnt.My flashbacks have been right in my face.I know one day ill see that beautiful rainbow that will be waiting for me to enjoy and i will be free, mentally. Even from flash backs .Someday i wont be afraid of men and i know people think im weird because i hear it all the time. Im living in an existence but im not living. Not sure if that makes sense to you.I am looking forward to seeing my phych this thursday. Ive taken the whole week off because my minds not focused to teach. Works was great when i told them im having time out. They dont know why but they know im not feeling great. My boss is so supportive to well being. He once sent me away on a weekend because he noticed i wasnt coping too well. I thought i hid it but clearly i didnt. I went to stay at the beach down the coast and sat watching the waves the whole time. I went alone and it was something i needed.

[Life3a]

Hey Tim

For some silly reason i could send all my message in one go. I still had 200 characteristic left..

Continued: .I downloaded the app you talked about. Ill try it tonight. Im meant
to take a sleeping tablet tonight that my GP recommended yesterday but
ill try the app instead. I dont like meds.Hopefully i get a good nights
sleep. I seem to wake up exhausted rather than rested.Your right in so
many ways. Positive talk or changing how we in a positive way ,is so
powerful. The more we believe that we can do something or feel it the
mind just places the good feelings in us. When someone says hows me? my
response is Im great. I may feel the total opposite but i guess its a
way to feel good instead of focusing how im truly feeling.I had this
video or vision of when i was a very little girl. There were specific that were all too familiar. i could smell things that were too familiar .The strangest thing was, i wasnt asleep , i was in a daze. i could see and smell it like i was reliving it.

Anyway, as i remind myself everyday, everyday is a good day.I hope your beautifully well

Blessings gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

How are you feeling? I hope your feeling so much better. Im ok. I slept in this morning and took my time getting ready for my day. I didnt do any work as ive taken the rest of the week off. I need me time right now. I know it sounds crazy as im doing remote learning online from home but i dont feel like teaching and the kids see me. Its part of how im teaching at the moment. Work was understanding. Im blessed they are big on well being. My boss doesnt know why but knows me well when i ask for it. Im pretty dedicated to my job and he always says im far beyond lazy.

Im totally jealous about your wood fire. That would be so nice. Does it smell? I dont know anyone that has one. Today is so sunny. Its beautiful and coolish. My dog has sun-baked all day in it. She loves the sun. She black with a touch of white and youd think she struggles because of her colour. Not that one. She lies in it all day.

If you have a good waffle recipe you need to share it with me, only because i dont have one. I need a waffle maker. Im still craving for it. I need to look online and buy one. What do you think?

How are your kids going? Mine are loving home schooling. Theyre always eating though. Id clean up and theres a dish in the sink. I think they do it to annoy me. Im convinced. I love having them when they are here. Theyre with me till mothers day afternoon.

I better start organising some dinner. My giant children have requested crumbed fish with home made bread.

Blessings to you

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby I am feeling ok just a little bit uncomfortable not to bad.I took my daughter to her psychologist today and that went well.She dosnt have an appointment to July now her psychologist is booked out to then unkess she has a cancellation and she will let us know.My daughter goes back to school next week.They are allowing the grade 11 and 12s back next week so i will see how she goes with that.Hopefully she manages it ok but i am aware that she may not.

I am glad you have taken the rest of the week off.I think you need that break from work and to give yourself some time to get your thoughts together.

I will have to look up my mothers waffle recipe,they use to be so yummy when i was a kid.An waffle iron would be good and i think you would enjoy making them.

I love the wood fire and the sounds and smells of it.Some wonderful smells depending on what i am burning.A lot of people out here have wood heaters.Can get very cold here.Today was cool but it was nice and sunny.My cat sleeps in the sun all day outside then comes inside in the afternoon.She is a very lazy cat.

I know what you mean about kids eating all the time.My kids are always eating.I can't seem to feed them enough.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Hopefully everyday you feel less uncomfortable. Some states are reintroducing schools to return. Ours doesnt want too at the moment. I think we'll return in term 3 but i could be wrong. I do feel we are returning to normality too early but thats just my thoughts. I understand that your daughter may find it difficult. I think they should return slowly to help them adjust rather than the students starting so suddenly after all this time off. It makes sense too. If you need to introduce her back slowly then do so. Dont feel she needs to return full time straight away. You know whats best for her.

I was looking at waffle makers this afternoon. I chucked because im having this crazy craving and i cant buy it from the shops. It needs to be freshly made.No idea why waffles. Ive been eating more often during this isolation. Im not sure if its a good thing!

Can i ask you something? Do you ever feel sad because you never imagined life would turn out the way it has? As a kid during the times of fear, i used to imagine my life to be like in a fairytale movie. I used to think i was the princess and someday my shining armour would come and take me away on his white stallion. I still picture what the whole thing looked like. I know, i dreamed a lot. Umm i still do. I dreamed that i would be saved and id never feel pain again.That thought lasted for years even decades. Little did i know my childhood trauma continued as i grew older. I never escaped it. I never imagined life would be the way it was and is. Dont laugh, I used to pray as a kid asking God to help make my dream come true. When i got older and the abuse turned into something i understood, i became angry, heart broken. I thought i did something wrong and i know now i didnt. I wanted to let this feeling out and i guess ask if you ever had similar thoughts.

P.S. i buy my kids food and before i know it my pantry and fridge is empty. Its like really! Parenting can be so much fun

Blessings

Gabby

[smallwolf]

The character limit can be irritating.

I can remember the first few sessions I had though I cannot remember exactly when the penny dropped in regards to how long it would take - even though it has no defined length. I think in those first few sessions we were getting to know each other. I think the one thing that helped me was knowing the sessions were confidential and I was speaking a "stranger".

You are definitely not weird! Just a product of your experiences. When people look at you they would not have any idea what you have been through. To them you would be "normal" - except for the behaviours they call weird. If they knew you they would likely have a different opinion.

On YouTube I have been watching rescues of kittens and dogs - don't ask me how that started appearing! One was about a dog had been abused and would not allow anyone to touch it. The dog was also very thin. Get close to the dog and it is scared and wants to protect itself. Without any information about what happened to the dog you might think it was just a angry / violent dog. We judge what we see without asking questions.

I rarely say "I'm good/great". Mostly OK. In my head I grade my mood out of 10 and it rarely get above 5. Otherwise I respond with sarcasm. I get through my days.

Saw your comment about kids and fridge... my kids are competitive swimmers - can you guess how much food we wold go through in a week.

[therising]

Hi Gabby

You're such a beautiful person. You have many of your own challenges to face and, still, you are so open to helping others, such as with the advice you give to me regarding my marriage. With all that you've achieved in the way of change, whether it involves the positive changes in your life or in the lives of others, I believe you to have a good imagination. You have the ability to imagine a positive difference for people. This is why you're a natural guide for others. If you imagine, in your mind, being with others in darkness and them following you (through your positive example and advice), all you may see is darkness when you look around. If I held a mirror up to you and said to you 'You see, you are the guiding light here', it's now that you truly see your self and your purpose.

I'm someone who can easily love yet loving my husband is so conditional that it feels impossible. He's basically a nice guy but he's so stuck in his belief systems to the point of self destruction. He places so many conditions on how I should love him. I can't love him in a way which brings him to life more (he doesn't like adventure). I can't love him in a way that leads me to feel free to have meaningful conversations (he prefers small talk). I can't love him through inspiring him to ask himself why he believes certain things he does (this is called 'being antagonistic'). My husband becomes defensive if I ask him what he wonders about. 'I don't know! Why do we have to talk about this?!' I can't love him to wonder.

You know that voice you mentioned, the one that leads us to just know - It comes to me as 'I couldn't care less'. He's actually conditioned me to care less in a way. Now, I've just stopped caring pretty much altogether. It's too much hard work. While this comes with an element of grief/loss, it is also a liberating mantra. I have spoken to him in the past and he has felt bad about his behaviour and how it leads me to feel but his mantra is often 'That's just me. That's just who I am'. It excuses him from caring more or differently.

I've warned him in the past, be careful what you wish for. He has wished that I hope less (adventure-wise), I think less about challenging him, I love less (in the way I naturally do). I feel now his wish is granted. What he is left with is a relationship that is hopeless, thoughtless and loveless. I believe he does love me in his own way; I have no doubt, based on his moments of unselfishness.

Thank you for your inspiration 🙂

[Life3a]

Good morning Tim

Before i start writing, your so calm when you write. There is a soothing thing about it. Thank you.

Your right, the first few sessions are getting to know one another and the fact that they are strangers is a bonus. I guess because everyone who has been close to me has judged me or been part of my abuse. I dont let anyone in because of it. This whole emailing thing is strange for me because i dont open up. I guess i feel safe here to do so and i can be me.

Thanks for thinking im not weird. My experience have placed this wall up and i cant help protecting myself. I cant go through what i went through again. Its bad enough im tying to deal with it. Its hard enough to convince myself that the world isnt like my experiences. Its hard enough to watch the flash backs ive tried so hard to block. How do i ever trust men?

You've gone through things yourself. You seem to have a blessed marriage. How blessed are you to have that.

I like the you tube you watched. I like how you put things together and relate it to our lives. Its a great gift that you can do that. Why do you think we do judge on the exterior rather than just accept the way people are? We shouldnt need to expose ourselves to be liked. shouldnt we just help others? Become non judgemental? There goes my questions. oopsy

Im looking forward to seeing my phych. Ive a few questions to ask. I really want to make things right with me. I dont just want to exist. I want to live and not be so afraid. Im tired and im tired of running.

Kids? Food? Teenagers? MMMM... If its anything like my kids... A lot!! i feel like i spend a fortune on feeding these two. They'd eat my house if i let them. Ive got them till Mothers Day. Their dad has agreed for them to extend their stay. I was so happy. Usually he says no and carries on like a pork chop.

I better get some work done. Ive corrections to do today. Fun fun fun..

Blessings to you

Gabby