Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby my theory was just a fun thoery i have.I haven't thought about it for ages to you mentioned waking up at 3am,it was just a thought.

I use to watch or the cooking shows but dont watch them much these days.I try and watch a lot of comedies or movies lately.

That's great you lost 55kgs thats a lot to lose.I can understand why you put the weight thinking about your past.I am really sorry you had a heart attack at such a young age of 40.That would have been scarey for you and know that you dont want to hurt your kids and be there for them.My kids keep me going and are keeping me going.

You must give me your pasta muffin recipe.My kids might thing their a bit weird.They don't like things that are a bit different.While i eat anything and not scared fo try new things.I make a lot of jams and have over 60 different types i make.I will try and make some lemon butter this week.

I became a full time carer for my mother when i split up from my wife.My mother was terminally ill with cancer and was practically bed ridden.It was such hard time for me going through a marriage break up and looking after my terminally ill mother and she wan't the easiest patient to look after.She lost her battle on christmas day about 5 years ago.It left such a big hole in my life.I still miss her so much and i lost my father 31 years ago to cancer as well.

Take care,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

On coffee - I was so used to having a coffee after dinner. Except for the waking up after every couple of hours I did not think about the effect of coffee on my sleep. My mother finds it does keep her awake. My wife is the opposite. The book I read on sleep would indicate it can have an effect.

On sleep - going to bed with a head full of thoughts was also unhelpful. So I had to find ways to empty my mind. I had/have a few tricks for this. Listening to sounds like a rain on water while sitting in a cave - you can layer sounds in this app I have. Or doing a puzzle before sleep. Something that is relaxing and at the opposite end of thinking about work.

On dissecting - where I was studying, students were not that forward in talking about assignments with other students. A marked difference to when it did the IT degree in the 90s. It also took me a while to work out but to write what you believe rather than what everyone else might think. You could discuss your ideas here... possibly. Or bounce your ideas off the lecturer.

I am also sure you make a huge difference in the lives of the kids you teach as well. You said that you did not want others to experience what you did education wise. There were things in my schooling years that made me feel so stupid - things teachers said to me or the class. If you make a difference to one of your students, and give them hope or confidence - that is a gift. You care about others.

I did my study that I wanted today. Time to go read something before bed.

Hope you enjoyed your weekend. And have a good Monday.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[therising]

Hi Gabby

Been reading your posts and all the amazing support you've been receiving and giving. Sometimes, on the forums here I think 'Gee, I wish I could meet this person'; you're one of those people I wish I could meet. You're so incredibly sensitive, the kind of person I love.

I can see where your sensitivity gives you the amazing ability to connect with people in such a natural way. I've heard it said before that kids with special needs are very sensitive in a lot of ways and naturally connect well with others who are sensitive. Whether it involves the natural connection where your son holds you when you're crying or your ability to have a child talk, who rarely speaks, proves what an incredible connection you have with people. They see their value through you. You have an incredible gift.

You sound so naturally wonderful. Your interest in theology, your interest in bringing out the best in kids and so on, leads me to recognise how full of wonder you are. 'I wonder about the teachings in the bible, let's have a look'. 'I wonder how much of a difference I can make in this child's life. I'll persevere until I see the difference. I wonder how long this will take and I wonder what strategies I'll need to use.' You really are wonderful! Wonder is truly a magical thing. It can take us far if we allow it to.

Gabby, I'm super sensitive to the emotion in my body. I try to pay close attention to it. Give you an example: The other night I was talking to my husband, wondering about why he ticks he way he does. I asked him why he thinks the way he does and his response was 'I don't know'. To that I said 'Have a think about it'. He started to get angry with me, accusing me of pushing his buttons. I've told him before, I just want to know him better. Been married for over 18 years by the way. Every time I'm full of wonder in a way that doesn't suit him, he's resentful and degrading. I could feel myself powering up (heart racing, anger growing, the growing need to vent as I felt pressure run through my sinuses). My body felt like it was going into overdrive as my nervous system ramped up. He told me to leave the room, as he'd had enough for now. A lot is on his terms I've come to realise. Gabby, I think I'm done with this relationship. Our 14yo son and 17yo daughter are naturally intelligent sensitive people (like us) and they've asked me why I bother with him.

While the sensitive folk raise us, the less sensitive tend to bring us down. A tough lesson at times.

🙂

[Life3a]

Hi therising

To be honest im not having a great day but i will respond to your email. Im not wonderful . I dont see myself as much. I do my best as a single mum and try really hard to stand strong. I have days just like today where its all too much to deal with but in saying that i wont give up. I tried seeing my psychologist today but shes inundated with patients so my Dr is seeing me this morning instead. I dont like talking but ive no choice today.

Im blessed i have met 2 incredible people on here. I feel like i know Tim and Mark . Ive been blessed by their kindness and support .Thank you for your words on your email. It as heartfelt. I could relate in some ways about your husband.

My husband was a manipulative, controlling narcissist. I was so afraid of him and still am. I havent seen him since i walked out and even though I left with nothing? I wouldnt change it. I was so submissive to him and i was afraid to stand up to me. I was afraid of his anger to the point i ensured nothing was out of place , or i didnt answer back or even express myself because i was afraid of his reaction. I felt trapped because every time i wanted to walk away, he would hurt himself. He'd cry and hit his hand on his head or do some other stupid thing. I stayed because i had the fear. One day my heart just couldnt take it . I felt i was going to explode and i knew if i stayed i would do something to me. I was over men who hurt me. I was abused all my life by men and seemed to lure men with those traits. maybe because it was all i knew. I remember feeling just like you did? I remember my kids asking me why am i with him and crying ? I was afraid. I was afraid to do it alone. Where will i go? I was afraid to be free.I was married for 21 years. I guess what im trying to say, You will know if your done. Something inside of you talks to you. You dont question it. I never believed it until i experienced that feeling. I will ask, does he know how he makes you feel? Are you willing to get marriage counselling? Are you willing to try and sort things out? and the biggest question is do you love him? Not just love but are you inlove with him, enough to fight for your marriage? I know these questions are intense but as your friend , If its crossed your mind ,I want you to be 150% sure its what you want. Can your marriage be saved? . Im here for you.

P>S. wouldnt it be awesome if we could really meet. Id write more but I need to respond to Tim and Mark.

Blessings my friend

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Your so funny! At least your theory was a great funny theory. Im sorry i didnt respond last night. I didnt feel great. Im seeing my Dr this morning because i cant see my Psych. I have days like this. Something triggers and things become over whelming. For the first time I reached out to my psych. Im seeing her on thursay.

Its becoming more and more freaky with the both of us. First of all , Im sorry you lost both parents. I know that too well. Also ...I dont even know how to write this. It shows the heart you have, looking after your mum. I understand the struggles all too well looking after a terminally ill parent.I know you miss her. Loosing a parent isnt easy. I dont think youll ever stop missing them. It becomes easier but the loss will always be there. I guess its learning how to deal with it.

I was a carer of a mother who had a neurological disease. I cared for her for 20 years. I gave up everything to ensure she was cared at home and even though i had an abusive controlling husband (as well as Mum) it was my escape. Honestly i had no escape from anyone. She was hoisted. She had a strong mind though and her verbal abuse didnt change. For some reason she couldnt stand me. I gave up a great job because i wanted her to love me ,accept me . I wanted her to respect me and i did everything to try to convince her i was good enough for her .It was tough mentally and emotionally. Till this day 4 years on, ill never know if i was enough for her. When i read your post yesterday, I could feel the how much you missed her. It did make me cry only because how beautiful was it for you to do that for her? the love you showed her? The love you had for each other. I dont really want to talk about my Mum at the moment , too much pain that came with it however thank you for sharing yours with me.

The pasta recipe? Well , i make my favourite pasta sauce . As an Italian i love bolognaise sauce. I make the sauce. Once the pasta and sauce is ready , i add 5 to 6 eggs. That depends on the amount of pasta i have made. The eggs keep everything in tack . I add my favourite cheese, mix it up and place it in a muffin tray. Bake for 20 to 30 mins or until golden brown. I had 4 pasta muffins yesterday. I think i could of gobbles the whole 6 but i refrained myself too.

Ill write later. I hope your feeling better today.

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Tim,

Im having a crappy morning and if its ok with you, I'll ... I dont know. Im seeing my Dr this morning. I need to talk how im feeling. A trigger has put me in a place of strong emotions and i need to talk to someone that i trust. My psych isnt available at the moment but im seeing her thurday at this stage.I was meant to head in to work today but i could bare the thought. I took a day off..

I think its strange how coffee affects us differently. It does nothing to me. if i have it at night i still sleep. Is a psychological thing? possibly.

I think your ideas in helping you sleep are great. I need to try something at least. I dont want to resort to taking meds even though they have been prescribed. Im mentally tired today. I think if it wasnt for this appointment id sleep it off.

Well done you for studying like you said. You did better than me.

Ill write later. I need to get ready so i can make my way to see the Dr.

ciao for now

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby,I am sorry you are not having a good day and you need to see your doctor and i hope i havent bought up any bad memories for you.I am really sorry if i have.

Thank you for the recipe i will try it.You said you are Italian my mother had some Italian friends and we use to go to the Italian club for dinner a bit with them.

It is interesting how many things we do seem to have in common.I really enjoy talking to you and hope it helps you as it helps me.

The weather report for today here is sunny but cool and no wind today.It looks like a lovely day outside.I am feeling much better after my surgery.Not in to much discomfort today.I have to go nack this friday as they want to do a scan.

I hope talking to you doctor helps you today.My thoughts are with you.

Take care,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

Very short reply here -

please don't feel the need to reply if you don't have time or don't feel up to it. I am not going anywhere.

Hope your appointment goes ok.

[Life3a]

Hey Tim,

I really appreciate you staying. My dr is excellent and she knows me well when things are a struggle. She lets me cry and sometimes she doesnt say anything. She lets me talk and today I .... I so wanted to rant but the words couldnt come out. Knowing she was there was enough. I cried so much my heart hurt. I also felt comforted by her. She called my phycologist and i may be seeing her earlier than expected. Everyday is so different and today i fell and fell hard. When i get this way i just want to be on my own. I wouldnt harm myself its just easier to be alone so your not burdening anyone else. Its so i dont have to pretend im smiling the way your meant too. Im an open book. You know when im happy and when something isnt right. I tend to walk around like everything is great. Im always smiling and everyone always says im always so happy.. So when i feel like the world is crumbling, I hide and keep to myself. I dont even go to work. I tend to reach out to my DR even if i dont say anything but she knows enough. She has been saying there are things that are buried and my mind is protecting me from it .. I know i should talk. Ask me to talk about anything and i dont stop talking . I can talk all day but ask me to talk about my past.. Its a whole different story .. What happens if she thinks ive lost the plot?

blessings

Gabby

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

You did nothing wrong and there is no need for you to be sorry. I really like that you share things about yourself. I feel like i know you some how. Maybe its because we gel and we have so many things in common that we understand each other but i can promise you, nothing you said caused it. I like talking to you. Its easy. Please dont feel you cant share anything about yourself. You help me as much as i help you.

Its so cold here. Its not raining though. When i went to see my DR i looked like i was heading to the snow. I was so cold and its not even winter winter yet. How on earth am i going to cope! Do you know what i love? My woolly socks. I so need to learn how to knit me a pair. Picture this, on days where its cold i sit on my cozy, comfy couch with my woollies on and knit away. Maybe that can be my new hobby. I sound so old at the moment lol.

Let me know how you go when you make your pasta muffins. I could eat them all day. The one thing i love is making italian food. I speak the language quite fluently and i get all excited when an old lady talks to me. Someday im going to Rome where my fathers grandmother was from. Id love to see what its like. As a kid my parents used to attend an italian club. we used to go every Sunday afternoon. Dad would smoke his cigarette and drink his whisky and mum used to chat with the ladies. I thought they were so old back then. Mum wasnt wheelchair bound then.

I really need to study today. I dont really want too. Im tired and have a slight headache. I didnt talk like i wanted too at the Drs. I cried and she just let me release my tears. Im not good at talking about my past. I think ive got to this point because i have kept it inside of me for such a long time. I was always told things didnt happen. It was my imagination and the verbal abuse i got was said , i misunderstood wrong. Such interesting words.

Do you know what i feel like? Waffles with ice cream, dairy free melted chocolate and strawberries.. I need to learn how to make waffles .

Im glad you feeling better. Thank you for everything . It means alot

Blessings

Gabby