Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby I am just waiting for my groceries hopefully not to much longer.I am on pain killers but wont take any to my groceries get here as they make me drowsy and i probably fall asleep.I lost 20 kgs recently because of my health.

My brother has been a church minister for 10 years or so.Before that he was a youth worker with the church and he originally was an auditor in the government when he finished uni.My brother was a huge help to me when i was going through my divorce.

I had a couple of uncles who were alcoholics and were abusive to my aunties.It was really sad to see and hear the stories.My mum came from a family of 10 and their is only two left now,the two youngest.

Take care,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

thank you for your kind words about me.

what was your motivation to study theology?

back to that question in a minute. In my mind there are two types of subjects in theology - grey subjects and black and white ones. The grey one is where you just have to make an argument for something and here hope your views match those of the lecturer. Things like history or bible study related subject and languages are a little more black and white. Though one lecturer reckoned these were grey as well. I prefer the black and white stuff.

I found theology interesting and wanted to learn more. Secondly, some people asked me if I had thought of ... While I was studying I did discernment but I got a letter saying I was not ready. It was after that things started turning bad for me. Once I finish the dip. I might go back to finish the degree or ??? Not sure yet.

Most of my "stories" come from finding what did not work for me. I started by thinking there was a end point where I knew I was well. Get closer to that point and something else happened and reset. The journey to the top of the mountain initially did not work for me because there is a finite end point. I once compared my journey to a jigsaw puzzle and that would become my homework. So now I sort of accept there is no goal line, at least for me.

And if there was... when I am standing on top of the mountain I would be overlooking a field with a breeze gently brushing the long grass with the sun peaking through some clouds.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

Hopefully by now your in dreamland and are resting well. 20 kilos is a big amount. Im just wondering was it to better your health? Im hoping your health didnt cause it in a negative way.

Im glad you had your brothers support. Its good you werent alone when you were going through your divorce and he was there for you. Its important to have family support during hard times. You are blessed to have him but his also blessed to have you too. How long have you been divorced? Im divorced too..

I began to study social worker less than two years ago. Me and my great ideas wanting to make a difference. My lecture said id be great at it but it was short lived. I couldnt deal with the stories we needed to study. It brought back too many memories so i had no choice but to stopped. How could i continue if i struggled with myself and my experiences?

Your mum has a big family. You must have loads of cousins? Do you see all of them? Its not easy coming from an abusive family. It is sad to hear your aunties went through it too. I struggle with dunks or those that drink excessively. I don't go to pubs because of my past.

Im about to jump in bed . I have done so much today . im feeling tired.
Im hoping i sleep right through. Usually i wake up at the same time every
night. Its always 3am. I have no idea why. My dr says something must of
occurred during that time. Its like someone turns on my light switch
and im up. Sometimes im anxious. Sometimes my mind just races and other times i get this ridiculous desire to eat. I know right . I have to stop myself from going into the kitchen. When i wake , i sometimes write. I dont always do that because ill be writing forever. I write what goes through my mind . I
dont stop till every thought is said. I never go back and read it .I dont even know why i dont.

Good night Mark, I hope you sleep well and wake up feeling better.

blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey Tim,

Your welcome. When i read your emails ,I stop and think about them. Mind you my mind hardly stops thinking. You have an interesting way of putting things , explaining things and that makes you interesting. I think its great.

Why Theology? Well One, im interested in it and secondly I have a lot of questions . My theory was why not study so i can understand better. It fascinates me. My favourite part is dissecting the bible. I dont always understand things but its ok. The more i want to learn , the more knowledge i have. I dont know what i prefer grey? or black and white. Ive never really thought about . All i do is constantly ask questions, read about it and learn it . Do you know what i find interesting? The bible, Evolution and the big bang theory. I could talk about this topic all day.

Discernment is tricky. It is an interesting topic and it is hard to identify the correct judgment. I see it this way, sometimes we arnt always going to get things right. The ability to understand or judge things well can be clouded through certain situations we experience. I think it takes a lot of time and work to master discernment. When the time comes you'll know what to do. Finish the Dip first then see how you feel after it. I think studying is an excellent tool. There is so much to learn and so much to explore. Life is all about learning and bettering ourselves where we can.

Tim, i truly believe that someday you will be standing at the top of the mountain over looking the field and seeing the sun peaking through those clouds. What a beautiful view it will be.

On that note. Ms Gabby is off to dreamland. Im tired and i really hope i sleep right though the night. Something always wakes me up. Good night Tim. sleep well.

Blessings

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby my groceries came about 8pm last night and i was in by 8:30.I like getting my groceries delivered it feels like christmas and seeing what i ordered.I might even think about keeping the delivery after the virus is all over.

I did get some sleep but woke up a few times.I usually allyways wake up about 5am which happens to be the time i was born.So i was curious when you said you wake up at 3am every morning and said something might have occurred to you at that time.I dont know if you know what time you were born.Its jist a theory of mine.My brother was born at 3 pm and is a afternoon person.

Yes I have heaps of cousins all over Australia but dont really know most of them and they are a lot older then me as i am one of the youngest.I did go to a lot of their weddings when i was a child.I befriended some on facebook but never they never realy talk to me.I allways felt left out in my family as my brother was so popular and everyone use to play and talk with him.I was painfully shy and I am still.

Thats interesting you studied social work as i knew a couple of social workers.One wanted a career change and became a teacher but went back to being a social worker.The other one teaches it at uni now.

It is very windy here today but not as cold and the sun is out.I hope you have a lovely day and talk to you later.

Take care,

Mark.

[smallwolf]

I would wake up at 2am each night and generally be thinking about work. (The cat also wanted feeding at 4am!) My psychiatrist suggested to be about not drinking coffee after 4pm. That and other changes helped me to sleep through the night. Another book I was told (it was suggested) to read was a book about why we sleep and effects (positive and negative) of sleep etc.

On dissecting the bible - with you there. I got to a point where I was stagnant and thought there would be more to the stories contained within. It also helps to have an understanding of what life was life back then including laws and customs which helps to put things into perspective. This applies to both the OT and NT.

Sorry to hear about your social work studies. I think your lecturer would have been right that you would have been good at it. Someone with a lived experience is able to understand and show empathy. I can also see your point of view though. I had thought that everything I went through up to now was normal for everyone. And made worse if you work from home so many years. Something so subtle that would make me suicidal. One of the main reasons I am doing the counselling dip. is so that I might be able to help others not to get to the point I reached. I have also learnt some things about myself as well. And in your teaching role at school now I would think that you are still giving back and serving the community in more way than you might think. (Far more than someone like me who works in IT.)

Going to do some of that study I was going to do yesterday!

[Life3a]

Good morning Mark,

Im glad to hear you slept. How are you feeling today?

I was born on at 2pm, a Saturday afternoon. It would of been a great explanation if i was born at 3am. Last night i woke at 2.04. It kept me awake and i felt anxious. I had no reason to feel that way. I didnt write this time. I just starred at the ceiling . I had to turn the side lamp on. Im not great when its completely dark but im ok with it when i sleep. The more i write the more im seeing patterns of my struggles. I do remember hiding a lot to get away from things when i was a young girl.I have an issue with complete darkness if im awake.

You are more like me every time you tell me a little bit more about you. I felt so alone when i was a child. I lived in a world of fear and my siblings were oblivious to what was happening. I was laughed at, bullied, and other things . My brother was quite abusive, manipulative and controlling towards to me too. Another addition to my list. My sisters and brothers had all the attention from everyone . They were the golden children.. To this day i wondered what i did wrong. None of my cousins talk to me. Even till this day. Its like i dont exist. My siblings are quite popular with the relatives. Ive come to a conclusion that i dont need any of them .

You dont seem shy. I guess its easier talking on here.The fact that we dont know each other personally helps.

Social workers are incredible. They have so much strength in them to do what they do. I admire them. Maybe someday i could go back and study to be one. I'd need to have a stronger mind though. Ones never to old to change careers and learn.

Ive been lazy this morning. Not sure whats going on with me today but im allowing myself to feel. Sometimes i cant control these feelings i get. Its like its easier to not talk to anyone on the phone and be alone than face the world. Its not raining today but its cold. Im not sure what ill do today, not that we can do anything due to our isolation but ill probably study a little, eat chips while watching a good movie (i feel like potato chips today) and bake something. Muffins possibly or pasta muffins! yum.. I feel like being in my space alone.

Have a very blessed day Mark.

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

Hey You,

Do you really think coffee can have such an affect on our sleep? I only drink it mid morning. Id love to have ideas on how to sleep right through. I need to meditate or do something to silence the mind or at least train it to not wake up. It makes no sense to me why im on autopilot to wake up.

Isnt the stories in the bible extraordinary? I mean, the stories that where told, miracles that occurred and the revolution thats written. Its no ordinary book. Its way beyond more than we can comprehend. More than we can fully understand. I never really understood the OT and NT and studying has helped me understand it. well, I do my best to understand it. I learn something new all the time. I could read the same scripture over and over again and have a complete different interpretation of it.

I think some of us choose our careers based on the life we lived. I chose my career for that same reason like you did. Im taking about your counselling. I never want any child to feel and go through what i had experienced. Educational wise. The other things that torturised me is a different discussion. What an incredible difference we can make to help those that need it? You would learn so much about you. Ways to help you too. How incredibly strong are you growing and becoming? Its inspiring. Thats why i so wanted to become a social worker . Imagine not only learning the tools to survive but to know you did everything to help someone just with similar experiences as yourself and others that have been through different circumstances. I just couldn't do it. My flashbacks became worse.

Ill be studying too today. Im looking forward to my next dissecting topic. Sometimes i wish i could just jibber it to someone that has the same interest as i do. I do enjoy discussing ordinary daily topics but i do love a challenged and interesting topic.

Enjoy your studies. Not sure if its cold where you are so if it is, studying is a great way to kill time and stay out of the cold. Im such a dork sometimes.

Blessings

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby that blows that theory of mine.I did dicuss that theory with one of my psychologist who thought it was a very interesting theory.I wonder what the reason you wake up so early maby something did happen to you at that time maby when you were a baby.

I lost the 20kgs in a short time.I had put on a little bit of weight but I just lost the weight for no reason.

I have been divorced about 4 or 5 years.I was really hatd period of my life and ended up in hospital at one stage from it.

I think you would make an excelent social worker and maby one day you can get back to your studies there.I think you are a very compassionate and caring person that makes a good social worker.

Its much easier talking on here to strangers but you are really easy to talk to on here.If i click with someone i can get on with them ok.

A lazy day sounds good.I am just watching tv today.I think your intilted to a lazy day.I like cooking and bake a lot of cakes and things.My mother had me cooking when i was a kid.Those pasta muffins sound interesting i have never tried them.I usually make chocolate or banana muffins.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Im totally sorry! I thought the theory was great but on my end , your theory doesnt stand. Theres no reason why your theory isnt true. I mean im just one person in this big wide world.. SO dont loose hope on that..

Well done though. 20 kilos is an excellent achievement. Weight loss is an interesting thing. If i told you i lost 55 kilos would you believe me? I did. My past drove me to eat. Gluttony. At that stage of my life i wanted my tummy to blow up thats how much i hated life. Clearly it didnt but i had a heart attack instead at 40. I realised i couldnt hurt my kids. So i began to eat better , loose weight, exercise and make a huge change. My body became this unstoppable machine. It still is. Im this woman on a mission, for me and only for me. I remember my Dr saying to me , Its great you've accomplished such amazing results but my PTSD is something we need to work on. Those tears effortlessly rolled down my cheeks. Instead of eating now , i run or lift weights, walk for a long time to help me cope. i need to get out of the house to distract myself. Im afraid where my thoughts can take me. . It doesnt change how my mind is conditioned or the flashbacks i have but i dont eat to destroy myself like i once did.The distraction helps.

I get the divorce thing. I understand how hard it is too. Im sorry you were in hospital because of it. Mines been 2 years and im so glad i left. I didnt care i left with nothing. I barely had money but I just had to get away. I woke up one morning and said to myself enough was enough. I couldnt let him or anyone else hurt me any more.

I think your easy to talk to too. I enjoy our chats.

You should try and make spaghetti muffins. OMGoodness they are the best! Im making banana muffins soon. Ive a few bananas that have ripened. Ill add chocolate to them too or apple.. Cooking is fun. Thats awesome you love cooking. I bet you watch all the cooking shows..

Thanks for your kind words about me. I love the saying: treat others the way you want to be treated. Its the way it should be. Compassion, empathy, kindness , smiles doesnt take a lot of effort but it means so much to the person receiving it. Thats how i choose to live.. Even though life has been cruel, i still have those strong beliefs.

Time to eat my pasta muffin. ciao for now.

Blessings

Gabby