Not sure if i can do this

[Life3a]

Hi,

I'm new here and i guess with every emotion and thought im feeling , I know i cant do this alone. To be honest, Im not sure if i can do this at all. Opening myself up and feeling more vulnerable than what i already am is difficult. How do you let yourself go, knowing that its so open to anyone and then removing this ridiculous fear that comes with it? Fear is my killer along with anxiety. Trust is another and that too is a big issue for me. i guess being so broken has those affects. I'm here so that's a start.

[Life3a]

Good morning Mark,

I hope your ok and you are comfortable this morning as well as rested. Im sorry you needed surgery. The good thing your home with your family. You should watch movies.. I love a good movie.

I feel the same way too. I think will she really understand how i feel . I guess there's a part of me thats afraid to tell her what happened. Sometimes i dont want to relive my past life. She knows enough and knows how hard it is for me. She says i have trust issues which shes right. She is gentle though and tries her hardest to make me talk and feel comfortable. She reminds me all the time she is there to help me so i can be fully free from it all. My question to her is, how do i erase things ? And how do I trust men? Ive a confession to make.. Im afraid of ......................... men.Certain type of men.

Its soooo cold here. Apparently where i am, yesterday was the coldest recorded since .... OMgoodness! i cant remember the year but i do know its been a very long time. I treated myself to breakfast in bed this morning. I haven't done that in a long time. I thought, ive no kids, no dog barking away wanting attention. She doesn't go in bedrooms but barks if she can hear me. shes an attention seeker. So i thought why not start the day doing something totally different.

Blessings

Gabby

[smallwolf]

Hiye Gabby - what a nice name. Have you ever looked up the meaning of your name?

I can imaging singing as being therapeutic for you. I would listen to music - music that speaks to how I am feeling. That helped/helps me get through those periods. My kids think it is just noise though.

Sounds like we have found something you like and good at also?

No individual book as I find something in each A story, a journey (autobiography) about a christian with mental illness; The Happiness Trap said it was OK if one method does not work, try something else; "the book of forgiveness" showed me that forgiveness is not about letting the other off the hook but rather giving myself a way of moving forward by (me) naming and describing the hurt. It also recognises the difficulties that you cannot just click your fingers and everything is better.

I have been without my laptop for most of the week due to a dud battery. I do s/w dev. and a parish admin and studying and .... so I will be doing some study, cooking, here, reading, watching stuff on Youtube, house work.... so exciting!

Tim

PS. I do like the questions you ask. Makes me think about things about myself.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby I have just been laying on the lounge watching movies and got my fire place going as it is so cold here to.I didnt have a real good night last night and i had a bad dream about my son which didnt help.So i am very tired today.

I can understand your trust issues as i struggle with it to.It was mostly boys who teased me in school.In high schools the odd girl would call me ugly so i never talked to girls until well after i left school.I was 29 when i went out with a girl for the first time.Now i struggle to trust woman after what my ex wife did.I did make a couple of female friends after her but i am no longer friends as i just cant keep friends with my problems.I really thank you for talking with me and Tim as i know how hard it would be with your trust issues but probably easier being anonaymous on this site.

Talk to you later,

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hi Tim,

I have looked up my name.My actual name is Gabriella. It means woman of God. To be honest if it wasnt for my faith, i dont think ill be here today. I havent always been in faith but that's a total different conversation. If you ask google to define Gabby her response is excessively or annoyingly talkative!

I find singing helps me to express myself. If i havent got the right words or I find myself too overwhelmed? It puts me in a place of stillness. I can cry and sing all at the same time.

Your kids sound like mine. I dont think its noise. Well it is to an extent but its good noise. My kids tell me often i listen to too much romantic music. I like a variety but especially music that speaks to the soul. I will say, i do live in a dream. I dont like their new age, no meaning music! How old are your kids? My son is 19 and my daughter is 14.

How true that forgiveness isnt about letting the other person off but for you. Your soul, your being and for your peace. Ive forgiven those that have ... I dont even know the right term to use.. however its giving myself a new beginning with no reminders, is my challenge. I keep reminding myself that not everyone is my past. Can i ask you something? Do you think that we'll ever get to a place where triggers, reminders, visions , wont affect us?

Tim, I do need to forgive me too. I have done things im not proud of. Without saying too much, I was searching in all the wrong places . I was on autopilot and numb.

You make me laugh! Your day sounds like mine except im not watching anything on you tube. What are you studying? Im studying theology. I love it. Again it makes me ask all these questions! I think i drive myself around the bend. The funny thing is, i never know the answers.. Do you read a lot? The way you write and how you put your words, shows me you do. You have a way of writing and expressing yourself.

Anyway i really need to mop.

blessings to you

Gabby

[smallwolf]

Will I ever get to a place where things won't trigger me? Possibly not. But I am a glass half empty guy. And different answers for different people.

Education - background in IT; theology degree in progress but on hold; finishing counseling dip atm. I did discernment and did not get in and to be honest probably for the best.

My kids are 19 and 17 - son and daughter. I am a nearly 50 year old who listens to metal - hence the noise.

It's ok to censor yourself here as well. There is lots of stuff don't

[smallwolf]

I don't say here that is reserved for those in the mental health space. If I vdid write here the character limit would not be enough. perhaps you could put the autopilot on experiences list and something to learn from.

Back to the question you posed ... Do you know of or watch a tv show called monkey? He was a companion to the priest who had to collect the scriptures. To my mind it was a never ending story of highs and lows but no conclusion. I am ok with that. if I think there is a time when I am better then I will always consider the distance between me current position and the destination. So to have no fixed destination is another coping mechanism for myself.

Tim

[Life3a]

Hi Mark,

Cold is an understatement! its freezing...

Im glad your taking it easy and watching movies. Its good therapy plus your rest is important for healing. Im sorry about your dream. You can talk about it, only if you want too.

All my life, even at a very young age, ive been abused by men. Family members, ex boyfriends and my ex husband. I must have something on my forehead that says" easy target". I get all anxious and fidgety thinking about it. I struggle to allow anyone in. In actual fact, i dont. This conversing with yourself and Tim are rare for me. Maybe your right , the fact that you and Tim are anonymous makes it easier. Its giving me a chance to not be afraid and run. You both have a different ways of expressing . Your both easy to talk too . Your both showing me that not every guy is what i know. I'm truly grateful for it.

Im sorry your wife hurt you the way she did. I cant even give you trust advice.

Teenagers can be cruel. I think they do it for popularity. You were probably a stud muffin. Mark, I was called ugly especially by family members from a very young age. My Mum said i was born so ugly that she refused to hold me. I was rejected the moment i was born . It was a constant daily reminder. Its taken me a very very long time to see this but i believe that everyone of us is beautiful in our own unique way. Beauty is found within and when someone's heart is genuinely beautiful? They become the most incredible , beautiful extraordinary human being. Do you know movie i love watching? Beauty and the beast. The original. She feel in love with the beast and she didn't judge him for what he looked like. She saw something within him that none else could see. She saw beyond his looks . I cry every time i see that movie.. And ive seen it over 100 times. I felt like sharing it.

Gosh i can talk/ write

Blessings

Gabby

[Life3a]

No i havent heard of Monkey but im curious to watch it. You make me think!!! You have a way of writing that makes me look at different avenues which is a good thing.You should put all these ideas or coping mechanisms on paper and write a book. It would do so well.

Isnt theology extraordinary? Your an intelligent man and i could tell by they way you write. The words id describe you are: your interesting and very educated.

Your a little older than I am . Im 47 .

Ahhhh your into metal music... Now i get it.. lol .

I guess i can place autopilot on a list of experiences. Ive never thought to do that. I will say, Im not the same girl I once was. I may have been driven to self destruction due to my past but Im working so hard to be the best I can be. I dont like who i became and i dont want to ever be her again . I know its strange to see myself as the second person but i refuse to be who i once was. Trauma lead me to self destruction on every level . A world of numbness and i know i cant change any of it .

Blessings to you

Gabby

[Matchy69]

Hi Gabby its not freezing here in front of my fire.I find i am watching the fire and not the tv.Its very relaxing watching the flames.I was hoping to go to bed early tonight but i am getting my groceries delivered tonight between 7-8pm.Hopefully i can stay awake as i am so tired today.

I like movies like beauty and the beast that show true compassion and shows the inner beauty of people.I use to het picked on by my brother a lot and he used to call me fat even though i was that skinny but it really hurt me.My brother is now a minister.When we are born we do not choose what we look like but some people seem to put you down for your looks.I am proud of what i look like now as i have both my parents in my looks.I am sure you were really pretty and am sorry you were called ugly from birth.I am sorry about the abuse from men,i can understand why you have trust issues.I just want you to that all man are like that.Its how you get to that point to trust again.I hope my words can help.

I am not a really good communicator and put my words down how i would like but what i say is genuin and hope it helps a bit.

Take care,

Mark.

[Life3a]

Hey Mark,

How are you feeling?

There is nothing wrong with the way you communicate. You help me more than you think. I can see your honesty . I also see your genuine . I can tell a lot from what someone says when they write. I think your a really nice guy. I hope your groceries come earlier so you can sleep. Are you on pain killers? Id love a fireplace. It would be so warm.My heater does the trick though and my woolly socks. I cant go without my woolly socks. lol.

I was called fat too.. Gosh we are so a like. Im not ready to talk about that side of me. i dont want to ruin my mood. Im not over weight. Im actually pretty fit . Im happy what i look like even the face ive been given. I dont love what i see but that's my own issues. Thats because of the abuse i had but that's a total different conversation.

How long has your brother been a minister for? You must be so proud of him.How blessed are you to have him.

I cant change what was but im determined to change what is and what will be. You are right in saying that not all men are like that.Im trying really hard to convince myself.. My grandfather and uncle were abusive alcoholics. I dont see my uncle nor do i want too nor what to know anything about him. Thats just two men mentioned. I could name them one by one but what will it do. It will only make me cry. . Im really hoping in time, i heal and dont see men as frightening. I want to be happy and experience unconditional..

Anyway im getting hungry. This cold is making me eat so much more.

Blessings to you

Gabby