new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, so happy to hear you had some time to chill out to play video games all day. Great respite!! 

Hopefully this helped recharge those batteries dear friend. 

Don't worry about shredding the paper, you can screw it up in loose balls and chuck it in. 
Ripping it in half is fine too. 
The loose balls give some AIR to the compost, which saves us time turning it to put air in. 
No fuss permaculture Principles in action lol. 

Shame about no buckets! Darn. Some times local restaurants give away buckets with lids that snap on. 
An old bin or container would do if you're inclined. 
It's such a great resource, normally seen as waste, richness for our green spaces. 

We could a million things to "save" this or that but when we're pushed for time, energy and anything to do this? well.... it's not for now. 

We know how to prioritise Blue! Yes the baby's food comes first lol. Little darling, how is he doing? 
I LOVED having birds in the house all those years, they're such sweet company. 

Rescue Poodle is going in for Dentistry tomorrow ugh!! I've owned dogs before, all rescues, but this is our first dog that WON'T eat bones, won't chew on them to help his teeth. 

I'm surprised you recognised me hahaha! I got ALL my hair chopped short today. Gosh she went far too light with the colour but I guess it's closer to the grey which will help mask it for a while lol. 
Yvette went almost black. Being blonde, well the last "do" didn't stay dark as the blonde came through. 
But WOW her skin looks translucent and her blue eyes look bluer! It's SO shiny! It really suits her, she's happy. 
I LOVE not leaning on my hair or needing to drag it out from everywhere. It just flips! 

Talk soon
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: looking forward. 

My boys' friend is getting married tomorrow and they're all Groomsmen. I can't wait to see them all dressed up and take tons of photos. I painted my nails last night and need to get a nice outfit together later today to wear. I'm so excited for this occasion! 

Last night I found the local Permaculture Group's website. It looks pretty active. They're not meeting at night during the week any more, they meet at a Member's garden once a month on a Sunday afternoon. This makes it easier for me to attend, more possible I should say lol. 

They also have regular Permablitzes at people's properties so members can pitch in and help others. 
Sounds great. 

I LOVE that so many young people are involved, I can see the strong future for this group. 

I'd like to get involved but have maintaining my FT job as a priority. I'd have to check in with my energy levels and the competing things in my life right now like doing Learner hours for the kids (not to mention the housework / groceries / cooking). L hours is very important as it helps us ALL by them being more independent and sadly, I'm the ONLY one doing hours with them. We need the availability of someone's automatic car too.
It's tough! We've tried endlessly to get others to help, it hasn't worked. 
That's ok, it just takes longer. 

I set so many things on my To Do List aside to HEAL this Leave time. It bothers me a bit but it's all I could do. 

Poodle going to the Vet today will take hours of driving. Around 40 mins there, then back, kids to work, then possibly going to Ts to visit and wait closer to the Vet's, then picking him up when they call. 
He'll be STARVING poor darling. 
Straight home to feed him. 

Off to feed the chooks now, have a great day everyone! 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Trying to be "okay" after today. 
Rescue Poodle was in the Vet's all day long. They didn't call until mid afternoon and we didn't leave there around 6:30 ughh. 
They removed a cist from his mouth and sent it off for testing. His calcium levels are elevated. 
Both indicate cancer. 

I was trying not to fall apart when the Vet was telling me. 
I was trying to hold it all together as we drove the long drive home, Yvette SO HAPPY to have poodle on her lap in the back seat. I wondered how long her happiness would last. 
Poodle was still recovering from sedation. 

I felt so darned sad. 

I couldn't tell Yvette any of it, I'm so glad she was in the car waiting until I finished with the Vet just by myself. 

I'm not going to tell her. I'm Praying he's going to be okay. Yvette needs him. 
I have a week to wait before phoning the Vet for the results. 

Once I get my feels out, I'll just pretend it's nothing and he'll be good until I hear otherwise. 

It'll be difficult deceiving the kids but I can't tell them, not until I know either way. 
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Short one tonight. Just want to lend my support re Poodle. I understand why you don't want to tell the kids about what may be in the cards for him until you know anything for certain. I know the pain of uncertainty as well as anyone and why you wouldn't want to inflict it on your loved ones. Hard to bear on your own, though. Here and hearing you.

Hugs,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks Blue, yes you do. 

Poodle is seeking my company out more atm, it's like he knows and I know and we're keeping a secret. 
It's hard, he looks depressed tbh. 

I wanted to visit T last night as I haven't seen her for months now. But we had torrential rain and Poodle was very anxious about it. Seeing the 8 baskets of washing to fold lol, I decided to stay home with him instead. 

He was much more settled having mama cuddles on demand, darling boy. 

Can't believe it's back to work tomorrow for me, ugh lol. 

Happy I got TONS of work done in the garden though. 
Dragged or flopped 3 Straw Bales in to the chook's shed as somewhere literally HIGH and DRY for them to walk around with the massive amounts of rain. 
Did lots of other small jobs which was all I could manage atm. 

Having my sore throat lingering is not fun. Not sure what else I can do but rest more, which I've been doing more of, sleeping more, yep that too. Taking extra Vit C etc. 
Such a pain. 

I've decided to NOT attend our High School Reunion early next year because it's on Yvette's birthday weekend which is special enough BUT it's a special age she's turning so that clinches it for me lol. 
I was going to tell them all earlier rather than later, but now decided to leave it for a while, then there'll be less discussion from them trying to talk me into it. 

It'll be the first one in decades I've missed but I don't care at this stage. 
It's so much less important than me maintaining more important relationships and forging new ones in the areas I'm interested in. 

I keep reading the local Permaculture Group's website and it's wonderful. They're my people lol! 
Just got my health, work and family concerns for now. 

Love EMxxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear ecomama, Blue’s and everyone……🤗.

I was sad when I read about your beautiful and precious poodle…I am really so sorry and both hoping and praying that it is not what you’re thinking it is….🙏🙏…poor little sweet poodle…

I think you’re doing the right thing by waiting to tell lovely Yvette and your other children until you know the results of the tests….I can’t imagine how hard all this is for you….my heart goes out to you…Please take good care of your beautiful self, ecomama…

Oh, ecomama you’ve had that sore throat for sometime now….I am so sorry, sore throats make eating, talking, breathing and drinking so painful….Maybe…well only if want to or haven’t tried it as yet….some hot water with half a lemon squeezed into it with a good spoonful of honey, just before sleep tonight….

Enjoy the rest of your day ecomama, Blues and everyone listening….

Lots of hugs🤗🤗🤗 given with my love and care…

Grandy…

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (with a wave to Grandy and anyone else visiting),

Sorry you didn't get to visit your friend today. Certainly understandable that you wanted to keep Poodle company with him afraid of the rain and facing a possible frightening diagnosis. Here's hoping it isn't so, poor dear boy.

Man your leave went fast. Glad you've been resting as much as you can around the usual madness of your busy household. A bit concerning that your throat is still sore - take it easy as much as you can, don't let work heap a bunch of extra stuff on you.

Can't blame you for putting Yvette's birthday over a school reunion. I've never been to one, personally, can't imagine wanting to. Anyway, of course you want to be there for Yvette instead. One missed reunion isn't the end of the world.

Love that the Permaculture Group website is making you feel good. When you're able, you can interact with that community again. Dunno if there are small ways you can do that while you're working and taking care of things at home if you want to - of course just following the website counts if that feels like enough.

We played D&D today, which was great. I had some goblin-related mischief planned, which gave LM some opportunities to rest whilst I spun tales and sang silly songs to entertain our friends. Running the game is hard on him these days and he can't do it as long as he used to, I'm glad my daft ideas help him out a bit.

Kind thoughts to you & Grandy and everyone,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Grandy, thankyou. It's been hard not telling anyone at home about Poodle's further tests. I can't think about it for too long or my anxiety takes over. Results back Friday. 

It seems Poodle was treated worse than I knew. Vet told me a few things which upset me. 
He remediated them. 

I hate people who harm animals I really do. I seldom use the word hate but yeah I do. 

Anyway, I got to tell BF today and he was shocked and his usual kind, supportive self. 
I couldn't talk for long, being at work, which was probably a good thing lol. 
Otherwise I would've cried. 

Spent an anxious night awake till 3am. Other things are going on too. Never helps my sleep! 

Thankyou for the hugs and love and care, Grandy. 
I love you too, HUGS back. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, I chuckled when I read about your goblin mischief lol!! That's our Blue! 
So happy you both share this interest and have this escape, albeit never a total escape, but something that can alleviate things for a while. 

You both need it I'm sure. 

Yeah Poodle is on my mind. 
I'm trying my BEST not to think about it. He's wanting SO much more closeness with me, even when the kids are at home. I cried when I thought, maybe he thinks I can save him? I'd do anything to save him, anything. 
We all would. 

My throat ugh.. it was SO bad a few weeks ago that I couldn't swallow at all. I gargled this powerful stuff which helped numb it, then I chugged back the medicines the Dr prescribed. 
It's all I can do but it IS slowly improving. 

Not being able to tell the kids is so difficult, I'm sure they know something's wrong with me. 
I spent the weekend barely talking, to save my throat BUT also not to say anything about Poodle. 

Didn't speak with BF all weekend. Didn't want to. It's sad because he is SO excited when we talk. I'm tired of it tbh. The endless status quo of nothingness is too much atm. 

I want to DO stuff. I may or may not join the PC group this year, save the fees till Jan perhaps. 
Poodle cost $2000 I didn't plan for so far, in 2 weeks. 
I'm watching almost every penny all over again now. 

It's just a hard slog. Not feeling very well still etc. Not feeling very happy either but that's normal for me lol. 

Early bedtime tonight, 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Many chuckles were had on the day. I wrote a silly goblin drinking song, among other things. A good bit of escapism.

I suspect Poodle is wanting to be close to you because he senses your distress. Animals are sensitive like that. I know it's hard not being able to talk about his health with your family. You are sharing this sad secret with him, you can take comfort in him as he is in being with you.

Your frustration with talking with BF is clear, but less so the cause. Are you talking about the same things too much, or are you just feeling unable to do other things because you are talking? There are usually ways to remedy both. I'm hoping you can join the PC group soon if you're itching for new things to be a part of and to tell him about.

Slow improvement for your throat is still improvement. I hope it doesn't stay sore too much longer.

Kind thoughts as always, 

Blue.