new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue, yes agree 100%. 

Re BF: I jumped into the abyss with courage, knowing I was putting myself out there and could possibly feel hurt with BF. 
Nothing hurt me by doing this. I realised that BF may be feeling vulnerable and self conscious by my proposing us face timing. 
We just did this. It was AWESOME! 

Yes I'm not waiting until the kids move out, Lordy be! That could be like for ever hahaha. 
What I WILL do is to begin growing food (annual veg crops etc) again. I have some other ideas, just not going to commit or ever over commit myself. 

We had such a fun Party last night for the boys. 
Omg the kids did most of all the organising for it too! Even had walls of long tinsel and FAIRY lights, so everywhere sparkled lol. It looked so gorgeous. 

Soggy firewood was a bit of an issue to begin with lol. But the clear night and digging down deep in the wood pile worked out and we kept the fire strong after a damp start lol. 

Tons of cleaning up which is fine by me. 
Such a lovely night, everyone behaved too which is not surprising, just delightful. 

Hope you're doing okay! 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It's funny how some people really struggle with video calling and others find it easy. I'm a fan of it, personally, I know many people who aren't. I'm glad it went well with BF, perhaps it will give him more comfort and confidence for trying it again.

Good, it could be a long wait indeed. Growing some veggies sounds great. As you say, one thing at a time, best not to overcommit - but still, good to do something that makes you feel good in yourself. I actually got out in the garden yesterday, myself. Just taking to the weeds with my whipper snipper, but LM was out with his mum and I had good weather to work with, finally. It felt good to get something done that makes the yard more accessible.

Great the kids organised most of the party stuff themselves. Love the fairy lights and stuff, very fun. Is there a drier place to keep the firewood, or a tarp or something you could chuck over it in future? Of course plenty of cleaning to do after a party, but that's just part of the territory. Glad the night went well.

I'm as okay as I can be, have had a little rest over the week-end to regroup. Back into the madness in the week ahead, starting with a visit to the pathologist tomorrow, and a couple of phone calls (emphatically not my greatest strength). Tired just thinking about it. Spoke to Dad today, too. First conversation with him in a long time that didn't make me too angry. Was still banging on about his new car, but at least asked about how LM was doing and said he thinks he can free up some money in a few weeks to help out. It's better than a poke in the eye. Sad that a relationship can be so poor that money is the only good thing I sometimes get out of it. Can't very well tell him no when we're already in the position of getting help from charity. There are some huge expenses ahead of us.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Oh exactly Blue, this is when you say YES to money from dad, regardless of knowing the true status of the relationship from your POV. From his? Who knows lol. It could be all he has the capacity to ground life on, who knows? You know him a lot better than me lol. 

It's GOOD to get help from Charities, that's exactly what their purpose is, to HELP people. 
I reckon if we live long enough and have enough of "life's experiences" thrown at us, we're all going to receive some help throughout our lives. No people are islands. 

Glad that's happening for you. 

Yes I'm proud of BF doing the call. It must've been more pleasant for him that he imagined lol, so much so that he wants to do it again and a lot more regularly. 
I'm relieved for this because this LDR can be sad if I (we) sit in that space for too long, thinking of how hard it is to be separated. 
It helps give us something different and I really needed something more, he thought gifts and presents, I wanted more of HIM, more presence lol. 

Off to take the kids to the Chiro early this morning. Already been up since 5:30am taking kids to work. 
Have Counselling later today. 

A tarp over the wood would encourage snakes and spiders here. I store it as far away from the house as possible due to termites! All good. After the party we remembered a stock pile under the outdoor oven that we walked past 100 times lol! Talk about object permanence in front of our faces omg lol. 

You can put your weeds & grass cuttings in a bucket for rain water or add water. 
Makes a fantastic weed tea, rich in nitrogen for the garden. I've got 10 buckets of the stuff LOVE IT! 
Wait 3 weeks or more, water it down in a watering can. I just tip mine out around the fruit trees, done! 
Had a LOT of nitrogen for my fruit trees with the party! I directed all the boys where to deposit it lol. 

Gotta go now, Talk soon
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: learning more about each other. 

At the party I, son's new GF - E - who now lives with us, told me that she has Autism. 
This son's identical twin we believe also has Autism, but he's going to indicate to us when he feels like having a formal diagnosis. 
So it's no wonder the E fits well with son. 

The alarming thing E told me was that she was diagnosed with psychosis years ago. I thought it was illegal to diagnose this formally under 18yo... anyway with both her parents off in all sorts of other worlds, I doubt they've been cognitively engaged with ANY THING their daughters have been going through for years. 
From what I've been told, sporadically, both parents are loose cannons only concerned with themselves. 

Anyway it will be a LONG journey for her. 

In saying this, it will be a long journey for us supporting her, should she remain in our family. 

That's okay. We're well equipped and a far cry from what she's lived with her whole life. 

Feeling VERY tired today. Happy there's opportunities to rest up in segments today too. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I guess. Feels kinda dirty to me, I don't view people as ATMs. On the flip side, there's part of me that wants compensation for the BS he put me and my siblings through. I don't know how he sees our relationship, I don't think he sees much at all, he's a very hollow man.

Great that BF wants more video calls. Definitely in a LDR there needs to be as much dimension as possible to the communication you have. Presence, as you say.

I was gonna stick the cuttings in the compost, it's too moist in there, needs more stuff like that to stop mould growing.

That's a whole lot on E's plate. It's good she trusts you to talk about that stuff with.

How did counselling go?

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Guest_1584]

How you doin em, stumbled over your thread again.

The party sounded beautiful , good for you guys eh , how nice for the tribe.

Great to hear bf videoed too hey , fantastic hope you can more often from here eh, makes a world of dif doesn't it.

Great work

rx

[ecomama]

PAPER Blue! Paper and cardboard in the compost to even out the balance of carbon and nitrogen. So a pretty thick layer of papery things (about 3cm but follow your instincts!) can soak up all the nitrogen. 
The weed tea is great and stinks like cow manure THAT's how great it is for our gardens lol. 

Yeah I'm with you about the whole "money thing", pretty much makes me sick too. BUT he's offering and you need it. He IS your dad and IMHO about time he stepped up anyway. If this is the only way he "shows up" in your life then fine. That resource is HELPFUL to you right now, it's all about resourcefulness. 
No need to think you're compromising your Principles. If some people don't have any lol well there's your conclusion. 

E has a darned long recovery, probably all her life from my POV. 

DARNED I can hear the Turkeys downstairs scratching open the dratted garbage bags down there grrr... 

ahh such is life with nature here lol. 

Counselling was BRILLIANT because my Counsellor is freaking amazing. Seriously the best therapist I've ever known. Man! She's willing to go down ANY rabbit hole my head goes down. Her Head Psych is SO invested in my journey too! Her name is R and even SHE calls me for a check in about every 2nd month, like WHERE do these people come from! 
R is more "get to the business", okay let's sort that out with a beginning of x,y,z and I'll tell S about our convo so she can go from there. 

They both tell me I'm a study (lol) in their peer group hahaha... I know I am. They meet once a month with many other similar therapists and get updates on me. But I'm still me and not a performing pony, so I'll be real regardless!! Authentic. No bs. Me and updates on my kids.

All good! 
We're taking the money from dad, right? 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey rx, lol yup we stumble across each other hahaha... 

It was WONDERFUL doing a video call with BF. 
YES! It made a world of difference to me!! The fact he heard me and was willing to do this, through his discomfort, well it shows the lengths he's willing to go for me. Which is sweet. 
he couldn't believe how long my hair was! Lol I can't either, darn that stuff can be annoying. Getting it chopped tomorrow. 

BF is American, I have to consider this at all points. His pride is strong and being vulnerable with anyone is a no go zone... until he met me. So it's still shaky ground for him. 
But as I said, he's SO BEAUTIFUL all the time. With crazy hair in the morning tick! In his PJs tick! 
I'm just not a "surface" type person. 

I look far deeper than that insignificant stuff. 
His commitment to me is unwavering and that's a trait I haven't had in a partner (of my choice) before. 

Being able to talk about the tough stuff is very important to me at my age and after all my experiences. 
He's never done this before, so I make him uncomfortable regularly lol. 
Fortunately for ME, he's also courage personified lol.

Better get down to feed the chickens. Got a HUGE box of lettuce scraps from the Shops this morning. They'll LOVE me for that! 

Talk soon
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: doing well! 

Had a beautiful day today. Couldn't book a day with my younger friend and family up North, better luck over Summer. 

Garden time. Built up my potatoes growing happily. Tried to figure out my new vege patch, mainly how to keep the Turkeys OUT of it lol. Fed them too hahaha. 

Not much at home time left this leave, have a busy few days. 
My boys are all Groomsmen on the weekend! A Wedding! So excited to see them all dressed up. 

Rose early to get to the shops. Instantly upon waking, I'd worked out our full day's menu lol. Bought it all. 
Then got a free Chai latte & headed to the waterfront to read my new book, it's pretty cool. 
Spent over an hour reading which was super relaxing. 

Listened to a new podcast for ages, on childhood trauma, ADHD, Complex PTSD etc, and realised how far I've come. The "inner child" stuff was the most interesting but, I've been learning about this stuff for decades, attended courses and workshops over a long period. 

SO I got stuck into finding some Waldorf craft YT clips and nice stuff like that. 
Last week I decorated for Hallowe'en here. Used all sorts and it looks and smells really FUN! 
My kids and grandkids LOVED it, BF was super impressed, I sent him pics lol. 

Hairdressers tomorrow. Should be interesting. 
Work next week, just about formulated a new 12 week Course in my mind. 
SO HAPPY I completed all those Mandatory Courses, I might be the ONLY one at work next week, lucky me lol. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Good point about paper. Somewhere I can put shredded documents maybe. When I get around to shredding them, that it. Heh. I've heard about weed tea, it's a good idea. Current thing in the way - distinct lack of buckets.

Yeah, I'm taking the money, I can hardly afford to say no. As you say, it's the only way he's ever shown up, he doesn't comprehend anything else. I wish it were otherwise, but so be it.

You're probably right about E, sadly. Here's hoping she is resilient like we are.

Great that you have such a good thing going with your counsellor, even if you are a study. It's unsurprising, though, given all you've been through - they stand to learn a lot about what those experiences can do to a person and how to help others. It's not a bad thing.

Glad to see you feeling positive about a lot of things, especially since I decided to take a day off from everything yesterday, including the forums. Only job I did was make bird food, of course my baby's wellbeing takes priority. BM was over so I didn't have to keep close tabs on LM, and I just played video games all day. Needed it! Great that you got your chai latte and some time to read. 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Blue.