new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks for your understanding as always, EM. I've taken another blow in the form of home loan interest rate going up another full 1.5% over what they told me it was going up by. No notification whatsoever. Mess. Was having a good day until I found that out.

Glad the things you are doing for your health are helping. We all heal differently. Great you can go to the talk and get yourself a book, too. Try not to get nommed by a snake.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

No snake nomming lol, no. 

Oh crap Blue! That's a revolting interest rate hike, how dare they!!!! mongrels. 
With the FIRST interest rate hike I said to my kids, well for every passing month now, I have to work another 5 days longer into my future.  

It's all letting loose on us now. I heard the petrol excise is done and petrol prices are about to spike sky high too. Plus electricity. 

We're seeing the Matthew Effects in full swing now.... 'the rich get richer and the poor get poorer'. 

People already living on the bread line desperately trying to eeek out a living at all, now, God help us all. 
It's scary. I have more news in my next update... just something we have to do. 

Hate to say it but crime will rise even more here now. We already have a massive population explosion with no services keeping up. Took 10 days to see a GP for me.... hospital services virtually unavailable too. 
Police were already stretched to the limit and now... ugh they won't cope at all. 

We can't spiral down with our thinking Blue. 
We have to just BREATHE through this. 
Something will break and it's not about to be you and me Blue. We're too determined to break over this, no matter how bad things look, we need to stay focused on things we CAN do. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: not sure how to title this one. 

It's official, son's GF has officially been granted permanency in our home. Son doesn't know it yet but I'm sure he knows what my answer would have been anyway. 

OF COURSE she can. 

Crikeys, the dear thing came upstairs for some food! I showed her everything for dinner and she pecked away at it. Eats barely anything. 
Son is out for dinner at a posh restaurant with his friend's family. His GF wasn't invited but no one else was, so that was okay. 

Her dad is losing their home through Family Law. From what she's told me thus far, her dad has pretty much lost his hold on things over the past few years with all the Courts, trauma and regaining his daughters (the documented neglect and abuse allowed the girls to move back in with their dad and they were RELIEVED for this). They have No Contact with their mother (omg). 

No wonder son gelled with her! 

Dad can't get his head around any of it at all. They'll be homeless soon. 2 daughters have already moved in with their BFs families, one with us. The littlest omg... no mum, dad not coping at all. She needs to have weekends at ours some times, she's so little!
That's what I'll tell E next time we talk. 
Dad is "forgetting" to make dinner for her, so son and E take food over there often, I just found out. 

The renovations will go ahead this year.
We'll have a Craft room doubling as a spare room upstairs and a new loungeroom downstairs too that people can sleep over in. 

I need to BREATHE through this. I know with this news that the ACs will support us all more when they can. 

Working together like a well oiled machine. 
Son's back home now and wants to come up to talk with me lol. 

All good. We just welcomed a new addition to our family and I didn't have to give birth to her either! 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yeah, that was a seriously rude surprise, don't need it. I've shifted our repayments from fortnightly to weekly and added $10 a week to try and get the principal down a bit and reduce interest. Can't really afford it, but can't afford not to either.

I see all the things you're saying - I can't afford to look at the big, capitalist picture at the moment, just gotta put out the fires as they happen. One thing at a time. up, breathe. Even so, life's gonna have to do better than that to break either of us, friend.

Sorry to hear about E's situation and how it is for her little sister. What a mess. Reminds me a bit of Mum losing her grip on everything, at least my bro and I were old enough to weather the storm a bit. I'm glad she has you, and that she is kind to you in turn.

Love,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yes indeed Blue, we have to go inside our extremely resourceful minds to minimise financial impacts as much as we can. 

That's a very good move Blue! I'm hearing you though, about how tough adding $10 extra per week has it's own impact. Gosh doesn't it all just remind you of the tight squeeze? and for you now, on top of the tightest squeezes. 
I'm glad you're mindful of reducing the Principal and craftily worked out getting it down even further. 

I'm full of admiration for you. 
I know this won't break you. 
We can't lose these kinds of battles when there are battles closer to our hearts still in play.

I wanted to tell you a funny thing, funny in the way our lives cross over (of a kind lol). 
My eldest grand son received a D&D Board game for kids for his birthday from one of Alexa's closest friends. 
They are REALLY into D&D in a HUGE way lol... they play it weekly or more. 

Now Alexa is hoping to form a D&D game with her siblings all together. 
She has to finish writing her Thesis first! Just a small inconvenience lol. Hopefully she has this completed by November. Then she's full throttle forward.  

Yes our new family member has so much more to her back story. It's comforting to know she felt safe sharing it with me last night. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: opportunities for exposure therapy. 

1. Today I realised how much healing we've achieved ** Sadly having new GF move in had highlighted this for us, whilst simultaneously feeling a very strong PURPOSE for all of us to be connected. She is where we all were years ago, worse in one way as she, her dad & sisters will be homeless imminently. Well she won't be but it's not her home. I'm cognizant of any discomfort & loss she's feeling. 
My Counsellor will have a FIELD day with this! Although she'll not be surprised. 

2. An elderly lady sat next to me whilst we were getting our Pedicures today. She began talking to me... that's how it went! She talked & talked & talked. I asked her more questions** I felt a magnetic pull of warmth to "BE THERE" for her in that moment. I held space for her. I actually knew some of her friends! They had taught me at school lol. 
***TW***
As she prepared to leave, she told me that her H had committed suicide but was a violent abusive perp. Also a Policeman. She also told me her son was killed in a car accident as a youth, same age as my multiples are now. 

In conclusion, both 1 & 2 would have been extremely triggering a few years ago. Adding to that even going to any shopping centre, buying food ... all of it. 
Not only for ME but for all of us. 

Yvette noted how she knew what E is going through. I noted how far she'd come since then. 

*** the asterisked parts are things I NEVER would've done. Detectives on our case said they'd never met such a coercively controlled family who NEVER asked questions (= psychopath exH). I remember that moment, like I could reach out now, touch the Detectives. I was in stunned silence - as usual. 
I was never allowed to respond, react, feel, express, nothing. 

We're healing, 
Love EM

[ecomama]

Had a lovely day today. 
I attended the talk with Costa and the "Acknowledgement of Country" was the most educational, warm, welcoming one I've ever heard! Costa didn't give it, an Aboriginal man did. I cried! Tears of gratitude just came out. 

I was at the right place at the right time with the right people. I felt blessed to be there and indeed I am. 

We were set facing a massive old Red Gum and the entire experience couldn't have been more perfect. 

Apparently looking after Red Gums and Red Wallabies or was it Kangaroos but I remembered FROGS too are "Women's Business" awww so sweet. 

Both presenters enveloped us in LOVE. The depth of passion they had was contagious lol. I'm thinking as the kids become more independent, I really want to rejoin the local Permaculture Group again. 
I miss being surrounded by organic gardeners and full on greenies SO MUCH. 
They're "my people", my mob. 

Nothing takes hold of my heart and soul like it. Besides my own children of course! But they are creating their own lives and will eventually leave home. 
It'd be best if I can join back into these groups BEFORE they all leave home. 
I reckon 1 year before I can do these kinds of things at night and perhaps on weekends. 

On the BF front, things seem "different". We've reaffirmed our commitment to each other but then today something weird happened. Not sure what to make of it yet. 

Still raining, the boys' party is on tomorrow! ugh!! 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Doing the best I can with what I've got. 

Love that your kids are getting right into D&D, it can actually be really good for bonding.

Sounds like you have a bit to process, between E's story and your talk with that old lady. But some positive is already highlighted in that you are seeing the healing that you and your kids have achieved.

I'm super glad you went to the talk, EM. Even more that you had such a good experience and got thinking about more that you would like to do for yourself. You deserve that. 

I hope nothing too serious amiss with BF. 

Kind thoughts, 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue, I appreciate you popping in because I know how super precious your time and energy is at all times now. 

Yeah I'm hoping BF is doing okay. My instincts are telling me he's not doing so well, but I'd like to be wrong. 
We've talked a lot more because I've been on leave but IDK, something's just not right. 
Need some time to process this and consider a path to bring it all up. 

Oh Blue, E's current and past situation, including her challenging MHIs has been shared more with me. It's so freaking SAD. I've found out that she's been on meds for years, seldom attended school and it all seemed to be from her FOO. Here we go again. It's like I've assimilated your experiences in childhood, mine and others. She's got a whole combination of these, possibly even more intense. Same but different and unique of course. 
I've encouraged her to join eHeadspace but she also has MH people on board already. 

I "felt" that she was pushing son to move out with her, them together. I brought up my "instincts" and he looked at me gobsmacked that I could just intuit this. He's holding strong because he knows that's a bad idea for him. 
My aim in talking to him about this was to share my goal for both of them... to have a SAFE SPACE to recover and just enjoy life! Learn how to. Fill in all the FUN they've both missed out on in their childhoods. 
To USE this home to heal, whilst not having to take on all the "adult" responsibilities that would put insane pressure on both of them, which is the very last thing either of them need right now. 

I had to put my 2c in. I don't normally intrude like this. 

Yes! I'm happy I have paths to find joy in my future whilst feeling I'm doing GOOD in the world through being in groups of like minded people greening the earth. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Admittedly time and energy aren't abundant at the moment. I make time for those who make time for me, though. 

Fingers crossed you can talk this out with BF, soon - and that it goes okay.

It's always dismaying to see someone have such a hard start in life, isn't it? We know too well for ourselves how heavy the burden can be. I'm glad E has some MH people on her side, at least.

I don't think it's intruding to offer a better, safer option. That's just being a parent. I agree with you that they would have a much harder time of healing with a full load of adult responsibilities on their shoulders. I'll try not to question what your life or mine might look like now had we had a safe harbour in our younger days, we can't change our history - but we can lend our experience to helping others not follow in our footsteps.

There will be joy in your future. I can't imagine you letting it elude you. Glad I could help nudge you toward doing stuff for yourself in the here and now, though. It doesn't have to wait until the kids move out - in fact, it's better if it doesn't. They will have your example to follow.

Kind thoughts, 

Blue.