new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Oh, before I forget, EM, I have some good news to report. We need all the good news we can get. Carer's Payment finally approved. Woo-hoo!

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, HALLELUJAH! phew, I'm so relieved for you all that the payments were approved. Thank goodness for that. Happy this happened. 

Thankyou for popping back in to tell me. I appreciate it lol. 

Probably more for the financial thread lol, but I passed another HUGE Home Loan milestone today. Yah I know it's "false" as the kids save alot of their money in there too (in an offset account).... but I'm counting it lol. 
I haven't had THIS low on my Home Loan for 20y. 
Of course it's still far too high but I've made great gains & I'm getting there. 

I also have $0 balance on my credit card which is freaking AWESOME. Sure I'll be buying a few rather big birthday presents for my sons very soon but I'm in a better financial spot to "afford" them atm. P.son would like a dashcam which I'm VERY happy about. So many nutters on the road and he's a very careful driver. Not sure what the others would like, I'll see lol. 

Getting 8 hay bales & 8 sacks of chook seed before the party. Free delivery which helps my BACK and petrol costs to & from the Rural Trading Co. I'd NEVER fit all that in my car in one trip lol. 
The bales are for seating for the party around the fire pit. 

I love to use them over time for the chickens after a party. The seed is about 30% cheaper from there too. 

My chickens are rascals, they LOVE their extension lol. They're getting along well now, surprisingly. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I had to share the good news, we don't get huge amounts of it, and I know you're the sort of person to be buoyed by things going right for your friends. 🙂 We are very relieved, and we got a decent backpay, with which we have been able to get ahead on some bills and make a few less necessary purchases.

Woo, happy to hear about your milestones - not just lowest amount on your home loan for 20 years, but also zero balance on your credit card! Really happy for you. (Also totally get how you feel about affording stuff for your kids' birthdays, of course you want to do that.) And you know what I'm going to tell you, I am sure. Celebrate these milestones! Do something kind for yourself to acknowledge each of them, no lumping them in the same bucket!

Great work on the hay, it's useful for party time and for your lovely chickens. I'm glad your chickens are getting along now, they sound so cute. Wish I could cuddle them.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, funny how you and I often have a similar thing happen, some times at the same time. 

Getting my credit card down to zero was kind of like "financial minimalism" lol... NOT putting any bills or purchases ON it, so I didn't have to pay them off. Same with bringing things IN to the house, I won't have to take it OUT again. (Seriously it's not ME buying stuff... the kids have quite the disposable income so they have fun with them lol). 

Might make a post on the Minimalism thread when I have more energy. 

My own self-care is getting more naps in atm lol. I've been battling some kind of throat thing which the kids have kindly shared with everyone. Round and round this stuff goes.
I CAN take holiday Leave soon but can't take more Sick Leave as I don't have any left lol. 
Thankfully, due to the decades of Service I've given (and been paid too lol), I have extra Leave granted each year which is definitely helping as I'm getting older and feel far more tired recently. 

Alexa is concerned that it's my Iron levels. I think it's just me getting old hahaha. NONE of the kids want to think I'm getting old, no. 
When I get a new GP, a female one, I'll have things checked out BECAUSE I was joyous over an instant menopause over a year ago, now THAT'S worth celebrating! 
Then... no. One last hurrah recently, grrr so annoying. 

It was lucky BF HADN'T visited omg. 
But I promised myself and him that I'd get those hormone levels checked a month out from his visit. 

I need a few tests done, so back to the drawing board trying to find a female GP within a reasonable driving distance. 

Heading to bed for a nap, then up again to get the kids from work, not long before leave now. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

We do seem to follow similar patterns, don't we? Quantum entanglement maybe, hehe.

Absolutely minimalism applies to finances, too. If you can get bills paid without using the card, fantastic. There are a few I can't Bpay so I do it with the card then immediately pay off the card, same difference really. I'll keep one eye on the minimalism thread, I should probably engage with that soon, too. I've been bringing a bit of stuff into the house recently, but largely for the purposes of streamlining some systems and ultimately reducing some objects and some time spent on cleaning and admin around the house. As for what others like your kids bring into the house, that's tricky. Guess you've got to talk to them about maybe zones where it's okay for them to have stuff vs respect for shared space, that sort of thing.

Sorry to hear you're fighting the bug the kids have had, of course it gets around. I know what you mean about running out of sick leave. I have the same deal with long service leave, a bit extra leave granted each year.

Perhaps still worth getting your iron checked. Sure you're getting older, but sometimes other factors can be running you down, too. I definitely had a lot of trouble with fatigue with low iron. Same with low Vitamin D. So many things can mess with energy levels.

I hope you find a good female GP soon, and can get some things looked at, whether or not menopause is in the mix. For my part, I just want you to be healthy and happy. 🙂

Love,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks Blue, just when I began to get used to the order of posts, it changed, GRRR. 

I was so tired when I replied that I missed what you said about being back paid... I was washing the dishes and thinking to myself "gosh I hope Blue got BACK PAID from as early as possible, I might mention this to her (for fear of adding more pressure though... hmmm)"... then read that you DID get that money already! 
YAY!!! 

SO HAPPY. 
I just KNOW you'll put that all to good use in all ways you can. Congratulations. 

Talk about minimising lol.... yep the OTHER sector for me. "Friends". 
Got a LENGTHY text unnamed again so I know it was a text sent to a billion people, from that person M going thru Family Law Court. 
No. Again I haven't responded. 
Such an intrusion really. 
Gosh with what she wrote next AND the absolute naivete of our previous talks, she has NO IDEA. It's like she didn't hear anything I said to her multiple times. 
Thinking her H's case will get "laughed out of Court"??? 
No one gets laughed out of Family Law Court. 

Even though everyone's treated like their cattle being branded in a cattle grid and NEXTED asap... it feels VERY serious indeed. 
It's not like on TV. 

It's her that will get slammed, I can already tell. 

Anyway it's not my case, so it's not my problem. 

Gotta pick up kids now, 

Talk soon
Love EMxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Frustrating when you get used to a new thing, then it changes. At least now you know your posts are coming through.

Way ahead of you, EM. Very glad to have been backpaid. You bet I'm putting it to good use. I put a couple of payments worth in the account the mortgage direct debits from, and roughly the same amount directly into the mortgage, hoping that'll keep the interest down a bit (I'm recalling LM's words - "Don't put it all on the mortgage"... hm, well I technically didn't!). Paid the next quarter's council bill & got ahead on our internet bill. Some put away for other bills I can't directly pay ahead. Still got enough to get groceries and a few little niceties. I'm in my element managing this to stay out of trouble going forward.

Minimising friends sounds harsh, but it's absolutely necessary for mental health. The toxic ones have to go, and everything you've said about this person suggests all take and no give, plus making power plays. Very toxic. I'm glad you are sticking to your boundaries here, family law court is a traumatic area for you and though you didn't have to, you gave her sound advice. If she's ignoring what you had to say and still wanting attention and help it's not on you, friend. She doesn't get to drag you through her muck.

Take care of yourself,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, 

I knew you'd do "good things" with the money, no matter what others may think lol. 
Having that "buffer" must bring some relief for you. 
Is your mortgage structured that it can eat up the extra payments if things ahead get tough(er)? 
Mine shows the extra monies as a figure, but that figure is minus the next repayment (which stuffs up my ADHD way of looking at things at first glance). Not sure why they have to do it this way, but this technically means at some point, if and when I'm at an empty tank, then the extra payment will already be there. Well done. 

Yes M and her FLC stuff. 
I grant there's more about power plays in a Court battle than most places, you DO have to play the game, it's a disgusting stage. 
I was never and I say never as confident as she is at this stage (or ever throughout the whole separation / Courts / divorce period). Her ignorance about the entire cattle grid and Family Law in it's entirety is dumbfounding to me. 

It IS horrible to describe people as us needing to prune them from our lives, but I have no other choice with this atm. 

I offered to attend the 1 Day Reconciliation Conference for the financial part. 
This alone would be PLENTY for me. 
If she's smart, she won't let it get this far. She'll see that NO Judge will be laughing because of HER actions (his are far more despicable), but Judges appear to be far more sympathetic to fathers who can't see their children. Even if the chn hate them because of the abuse they saw from said fathers. 

Whatever advice I gave, she was so arrogantly showing off about how amazing her Lawyer was and M had PLENTY of money to pay her.... I actually said "Why are you asking me then?"... of course it was because I'd "won" my case. Anyway, this is not my case. So over it. 

Feeling really unwell tonight, hope to get some good sleep tonight. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Hope you got a good sleep and are feeling a bit better today.

You're right about me and money, of course. I do need that buffer to feel a bit more secure. LM's words about not spending all the money on the mortgage were more about him wanting me to spend at least a little on myself, he is of the opinion I deserve to treat myself a bit. As for how my mortgage works, they wouldn't let me set it up without a direct debit. I haven't tested the theory, but my understanding is if the account is empty, too bad - I don't believe it will be drawn from what I've paid ahead instead. I think I'd have to redraw from the mortgage and dump it in the direct debit account if I were to find myself unable to keep enough money in there. Clunky, but doable in a pinch.

I was referring to power plays within "friendship", but I'm sure there's going to be plenty of that with M in court, too. Sounds like she's woefully underprepared and overconfident. Not that it's my business, I guess. She'll either sink or swim, depending on her own wiles, I guess. Do you still mean to be there if it comes to a Reconciliation Conference? It seems you need to be a long way away from this person in general.

If you can, put her out of your mind for now. You need rest and deserve some peace of mind. I, too, am tired from various frustrating events, and will be trying to get a good night's sleep. Good night, friend,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, oh now I see how you could have the extra payments in there and bring them out to have the direct debit occur. I think my Bank insisted I had a direct debit too because it HAD to be fortnightly, as opposed to monthly with more flexibility with "our" previous mortgage with another bank. 

Hmmm, I know what you're saying about the M sitch. I so rarely break a promise. 
M texted again last night, a generic text. Ms thinking is still way off point but it's not for me to correct anything. 
I didn't respond. 

I've been so unwell this weekend, it got alot worse last night so I found it difficult to remain asleep. Altogether I got tons of sleep but it wasn't peaceful. I had nightmares which I thought were real life, it was delirium from temps making me think it was real. 

But you're spot on, this stuff is deeply triggering for me. It was part of why I felt so alone at our Family Games night, I almost cried when I overheard the ACs and saw their attitude about me talking to one partner of theirs because they asked. I immediately stopped talking and removed myself from the house. I'll post an update when I have the energy. 

Of course LM wanted you to treat yourself with some of the money. I agree but I also see how the deep feelings, of the need for security outweigh the wants, just because we're twins lol. 
BF has encouraged me to do a THING I saw advertised and I might... feel too sick to think about it atm. 

Love you Blue, thanks for listening & caring, it means more to me than you'll ever know, 
EMxxxx