new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

*** TW ***
Update: the body keeps score, feeling like a bubble, triggers. 

I'm unwell. Issues from past abuse evident in my body, physically. Forms of the abuse involved substances unknowingly ingested by me causing extreme pain and no Drs knowing what was going on for years. 

My cousin, a Pathologist, was so distressed about my discovery and the research she did that I stopped telling her about it. She has instructions, for later. 

One of the ACs partners asked me lots of questions about "stuff" at the Family Games night as their parent was in a DV marriage also. I answered. It was then I heard the ACs mumble amongst themselves and the kids, with rolling eyes. Only P.Son didn't join in on them kind of "rubbishing" me... I guess that's how I felt in reaction to hearing this. 
I'm rubbish. 

It made me SO SAD to hear this talk and witness this behaviour. I jolted in shock. My immediate thought was "I can't trust you, any of you" and I know I can't. 
Went outside and wanted to cry. But didn't, I knew the ACs notice when I've been crying, so I held back. 

Then got sicker that night, the next day it got worse. Last night was like a culmination of PTSD reactions but milder than the extreme ones. 
I had temps, I took meds for. Took all sorts of Vitamins etc. 
Had rolling nightmares about the safety of the children, me trying to run to protect them, but yet again, I couldn't move. 
I was trapped. 

So many recollections of the ACs horrible words during mine and the younger kids' worst years on earth so far, came back today. Thankfully BF was supportive and beautiful as always. I appreciate him so much. 

My heart is thumping and my hands are shaking recalling the nightmares. I'll have a cry in the bath tonight. 
I text or call each of the ACs each day. 
Not this week. 

I don't care if they know or don't know why. I can't pretend atm. Too much to process. 

EM

[quirkywords]

EM

i was so moved by your last post. I want to send you a supportive  hug.

I am sorry your AC and partners treated yiu so badly. You have suffered so much over the years but you are always here for other posters.

I am glad bf is there for you. I hope you get the medical help you need for the trauma you suffered in the past..

It is sad when you can trust your family. 
you have so many people on here who support and acknowledge the help you offer others. 

[sbella02]

Oh EM, I'm so sorry to hear this. What a stressful time to you, that is a lot for you to process. On the one hand, there is now an explanation for what has been inexplicable for so long. On the other hand, I can see that the compounded stress of the discovery itself, the mumbling and similar behaviours, and nightmares would leave you feeling unwell. Your feelings are certainly valid. 

Sometimes, allowing ourselves the time to process events and situations like these can be useful for consolidating our feelings and understanding what the next course of action should be. Journalling can be useful for this, as well as typing it all out like you've done here. Often when we have a series of stressful events that happen in quick succession, processing these individually becomes difficult as this stress is compounded. It is important to give ourselves the time that we need to stomach these feelings, and to nurture our mind along the way too. Engaging in hobbies, passions, even work, anything that helps us feel better can make a world of difference. 

A good cry can definitely help, too. It's a good way of expressing pent-up emotions - great for the mind and soul. 

With regards to your nightmares, have you seen somebody about these? Professional advice from a GP, psychologist, or designated sleep specialist can help put a stop to these, or at least lessen their intensity or impact on you. I know from experience that nightmares, particularly vivid ones, can have very real and lasting effects on our mental health if left unchecked. 

Please continue taking good care of yourself during this time, and reach out if you need. We're here to support you, always. You've also mentioned that you've been confiding in your BF and that he's been very supportive, that's important too, surrounding yourself with trusted people is a great protective factor.

SB 

[ecomama]

Thankyou quirky, your message means a lot to me. People offering kindness (instead of the so-often meanness) makes me cry when I'm already feeling sad. 

Tears of gratitude, so thankyou. Hugs back quirky. 

Unfortunately there's nothing any Drs can do for the internal injuries. 
The wonderful GP I had at the time of discovering this also did tons of research and found that it was all "too late". But tbh it's fortunate on the other hand that I'm still here. So every day is a Blessing really, no matter how much physical pain I'm in. 

Yes I know you understand what it feels like to have people around you that are unsupportive. It's what brought me here to the forums, amongst myriad of other clueless things on my mind. 

I appreciate you so much quirky. You are someone who is a constant on the forums, popping in to support others and let them know you care. 

I wonder why on earth "we" can be surrounded by such attitudes? 

Thankyou
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hi sbella, thankyou for your post. I really appreciate your caring words. 

I wasn't expressing myself well.. the discovery of how demon ex had injured me internally was around 8y ago. 
At the time it was shocking. 

Living with the injuries is painful but there's nothing to be done. I manage them well most of the time.
My Chiro has to put the slipped discs back IN when they pop out from spasms, then in my neck & broken back area. I'm lucky to be still walking, the prognosis was wheelchair only. 
Clearly I'm too stubborn! lol. I'm "too" lots of things. 

I've had a few extremely stressful weeks at work which made my mind "fertile" for triggers. 16h days at work. Just when I thought I'd dealt, a horrid woman looking like my mother came ranting at me down my garden path at night. THAT got me, I haven't quite recovered. 
Outwardly, I reacted rationally to all of this, but the effects were felt. 

I seldom have nightmares now. I know why they occurred this time. I've had high temps from my sickness, possibly tonsillitis for the first time or pharyngitis or such. Delirium during sleep happens = nightmares. 
Back in the day, I would ONLY have nightmares when I "slept", only sleeping for maximum 45 mins at a time. This went on for years. 

After the Courts were done, I saw a Psychologist for C-PTSD. A different one for the ADHD diagnosis this year. 
I've seen the same Counsellor for around 7y who is awesome. The GPs I've had only insist on meds which I can't take, they've been more trouble than anything. 

Back to work tomorrow, my Leave starts soon. Planning to do ONE thing I want to do. The majority of time will be stuff I NEED to do. Such is life atm. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, my post to you disappeared, probably me, perhaps I didn't press the button. 

Yes LM is only thinking of you, he's a total gem of a husband. Love that man lol. He's just so honourable. 

I understand what you mean about the extra payments on your mortgage. We'll take clunky over no roof lol. 

I get why you're thinking to prune M (lol).. she texted a generic message again last night.. drama x 100 and she hasn't even had the first Court date. I didn't reply. 
I'm not one to break promises. Almost traumatic for me to break my word, unless I have a valid, honest reason for doing so - for myself, whether it is for others it's not my problem. For me it can be, creating intrusive thoughts etc. 
I doubt M will get to Conciliation. She literally has no clue but not for me to attempt to direct her. It's crazy making seeing her making so many errors but yeah, nothing I can do. 
Their kids will be forced to see their father. 

I got more sleep last night but horrible nightmares because of the high temps from being unwell. 
I HOPE I can get a Telehealth appt this week, calling first thing tomorrow. Not Covid according to the R.A.T. but they're not known for their accuracy. 
I'm one of the very few at work, like 3 out of around 70 workers, who HASN'T contracted Covid. Many have had it twice. 
I may have tonsillitis or pharyngitis or such. Burning sore throat. Cold symptoms. Raspy cough. What most of my kids have had. Not bronchitis. Allergies are abound at work with all the mould there and now all the Wattle blooming, lots of sneezing. Thank goodness I know it's not sinusitis either atm lol. 

I saw something I want to attend alone during my Leave. A talk by Costa Georgiadis at a local Writer's Festival in a beautiful Arboretum I haven't visited in YEARS. 
So Blue, THIS might be my special treat. I LOVE Costa's energy and enthusiasm. I bet tons of other greenies I know will be there. 
I'm like a pig in mud being surrounded by passionate environmentalists lol. 
The air in the Arboretum is like pure oxygen lol. SO CLEAN. 
I miss being involved in these groups. 

Thankyou for being such a caring friend, I appreciate you more than you'll ever know
Love EMxxxx

[Croix]

Dear EM~

To have a damaged limiting and painful body, the memories of what has happened to you to. Dealing wiht  people who are like shifting sands. None of these is a small thing, in fact to hear you even mention them is an indicator of just how bad they are.

Then I hear you speak of having the willpower and knowledge to steer clear of an unhelpful GP and most importantly not only intend to do what needs to be done, for others if I know you, but the sense to have one thing just for you.

You have my admiration and all the comforting thoughts I can muster

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (with a wave to everyone else),

Frustrating when posts disappear, could be any of a bunch of reasons.

I wholly agree about LM, I have the most amazing, loving husband. He feels so guilty about how much I have to do these days because of his health - I tell him every day that this life I have with him and our sweet birds, with all it entails, is the only life I want. I mean it with everything in me.

I didn't think you'd be inclined to break your word, even to someone who hasn't been a good friend to you. You'll forgive me for hoping the situation you promised to be there for doesn't come to pass. To me, your well-being is more important. I wonder too if how she pushed you for traumatic details of your own situation isn't a deal-breaker for you. You've got reasons to pull out of all this.

I'm sorry to see you're still feeling so unwell. I read also of the situation with your ACs that triggered memories and nightmares for you, making things so much worse while you are feeling physically sick. You've been holding on by a thread for weeks with work and that abusive woman and the also abusive neighbour. There is only so much you can take. I'm glad you felt able to talk to BF about all this stuff, and that he gave you the kindness you needed. I would like to remind you to be kind to yourself, too, in any and every way that you can.

The talk at the Arboretum sounds great, EM - a lovely environment that makes you feel good, a speaker that lifts you up with energy and enthusiasm. Please do this for yourself, you deserve it.

It's mutual, EM. So much to value about someone who supports me when I'm down and celebrates with me when I'm up. You're great. 🙂

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, thankyou for your kind and supportive words, also your words of affirmation. I appreciate you so much. I know you speak from the heart mixed with life experience too. This is invaluable to a person like me lol. 
One who knows what you must have suffered to understand some of my cryptic speak. 

Thank you Croix. 

Well tbh I wouldn't have looked twice at that Advert I saw about Costa, IF Blue hadn't encouraged me to DO something for myself lol. Bit sad but lots happy too lol. 

I hope they have tickets left! 

I'm finding forgiveness a real struggle right now. I was hurt last weekend about the ACs and the fact they were including the kids (who still live at home) with their bitching about me, IN FRONT Of me. 
When I saw the kids nodding, wow I was hurt. 
Only one held strong and didn't engage with this crap - P.son. 

I seldom talk to any of them about anything, unless they want to talk from their POV. My main goal has been THEIR healing, supporting them all in any way I can for this to happen (as quickly as possible lol). 
I've totally spent my whole self in this goal. 

I was SO disappointed in them. Deeply hurt. 
If they spoke like this briefly in front of me (thinking I wasn't paying any attention but I was)... then only God knows how they talk about me when I'm not there. 

I did raise them to have their own minds, to be discerning about everyone and everything they choose to be this way about. 
But I also raised them to have respect. To speak TO the person they have "issues" with, not carry on about them behind their backs. 
I guess I have more courage than those cowardly activities. 

So now I'm angry. Will diffuse it on my own, with BB lol. 

I will bring it up in a rational way, when they're least expecting it probably. I can already feel they know. I'm not contacting any of them. They'll work it out and call me and say "I miss you blah blah blah". Hmm. 

YES COSTA hahaha. I'd love that. Wish you could come too Croix. The Arboretum is magnificent. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, aww me too! I'm so happy about the Payments, but so blerghh about the kitchen cleaning ughh. 
Breathe, preferably outside. Funny? Not funny. Hugs.  

BF is such a strong tall American man, with a smooth radio announcer's like voice lol. He used to be SO stubborn & "fixed". Then in those years of unravelling the wound up grief of his past, he melted, learned how to express himself & cry too. His 2nd wife was so horrible about his 1st wife. Why? We worked out she was jealous which is odd.
I wouldn't be with anyone else for any reason too Blue. It's horrible being separated but we love each other. This is our lot for now. God forbid I have to move to the U.S., I can't access BB from there! Case closed, I'm staying lol. 

Couldn't get a Telehealth! Had to make an appt on Friday after work...bought a stack of Chemist stuff, you should see my eyes. All red with bright blue in the middle. Tons of Visine. I can swallow better now because of the Cold & Flu Tabs I got. 

100% dealing with outright abusive ppl lately. The AWFUL new neighbour. Then underhanded woodworming at work which DIDN'T WORK! Then that other neighbour, cheeses. 
Now the ACs? GRRRR. I didn't carry on & ruin the "Family Games night" but rapidly took myself OUTSIDE. 

We'd just finished doing a "Personality Test" bec P.Son asked us too. About 30 questions. He has to MEASURE EVERYTHING lol. Measuring what the app said about our relationships with each other, mostly him lol. We all took it with a grain of salt or so I thought. I was named "The Protector" by the app, all the kids nodded & said YES. The ACs just rolled their eyes! 
So much yet to unravel about the past with each other. But it's all too triggering & reactive when anyone does try. I've offered to pay for a Psych to sit with each of us & me, or all together, for as long as it takes. Instead of thinking "wow mum is willing to go through ALL that, with EACH of us, forever if needed, aww she must really love us", they think I'm dropping the ball, giving it to someone else to sort. Being an "irresponsible parent" omg. They said no. 
Nothing I can do, now it becomes THEIR problem, not mine. 

M yeah, throw it on the pile going out lol. 
Love EMxxxx