new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It was a good time out. LM was running the game, so his struggles with breathing interfered a bit, but we worked around that and had a good day. He has built such a wonderful world and such fun characters and quests, I am really proud of him. We all got to do some cool stuff with our characters, too, showing off our own creativity. It was fun.

I'm glad you're finding your new books useful. As for being ready to assimilate the new information... no rush. Take things at your own pace, do what you can handle. It's not a race or an obligation, it's for you.

Ah, the deep satin green, love it. Interesting your grandkids wanted that colour to add to Buddha. I think you and Alexa are looking at Buddha from different angles - her from the perspective of "how will the finished product look?" and you from the perspective of "how much fun and connection to what matters will I get along the way?". I see both points, I like yours better. Have fun, connect with your grandkids, enjoy their little faces lighting up as they help you with your project. I wager that's what you're in it for.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yes lol the deep satin green colour lol! Hope I can FIND the exact colour I'm after! It WAS so funny that exactly THAT colour came out of their mouths lol. Channelling their Aunty Blue I suspect lol. 
That will be the only paint medium expense for my entire Buddha. The "bling" is problematic but that's ok. 

The kids will LOVE painting him. I've done such a good job on it so far, my family are amazed lol. Alexa doesn't want the kids to wreck this work but they won't, they'll add to it. Alexa smiled at this. 

Alexa and the ACs and probably all the kids if I remember, have all been painting since they could hold a paint brush - and drop it and try again. They're all quite clever artists. 

I didn't get that opportunity at all. 
Hence I focused on this for my own children. 

We just never know... this could become a family tradition painting Buddhas! 

The ACs said they saw that book of Brene's and was going to buy it for my birthday but thought I already had it. BF had sent me several of Brene's books via Amazon Aust. He'd tried using his Amazon points (omg that man and his points for everything! Hahaha it's AWESOME) but couldn't use them in Aust for Amazon. He ended up paying US$ for them. 
So far for his work he's been able to buy a lot of tools etc with the company credit card = personal points. 
He buys every single present via Amazon because they wrap, card and ship them. Even LIVE plants and FOOD, within the U.S. of course. 

BF told me to send you his love too btw lol. He's the biggest hug muffin there is. He's sized like a BEAR, so he almost breaks my ribs when he hugs me lol. He wanted to come out this Sept BUT no word yet. 
I said aim for next Sept lol. His job is U.S. style demanding, over the top! 

Better head to bed and curl up with Brene's book again.
Kids are having a fun ole time downstairs tonight, no work for them tomorrow. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: Took another day off. 

Thought of ALL the ways I could "jump into the abyss" leave work, do other things for income I need to support us. 
Then felt yeah, it's not gonna happen yet. 

It will if I keep dodging work! lol. 

I love aspects of my work, helping the clients. 
The BS that's happening in the Staff is way out of control. The bosses don't even SEE it or I realised more aptly this morning, they don't want to. They want to live in denial because THEN they don't have to do anything about it and just keep on with the bs making everyone feel more and more alienated. 

Most of that wouldn't worry me at all, pfft BUT it does upset me because the CLIENTS don't have the all encompassing care factor they'd have if the bs wasn't an obstacle. 

The worst thing? 
This person got a promotion and she knows NOTHING about the job. 
I dread the thought of her being MY supervisor next year. If she is then it will be an endlessly frustrating mire of "I know nothing but work out what's in my head because secretly - not so secretly - I need my CV filled up!"

And that's the tone of all the bosses. Help me fill up my CV without saying it. So stupid. 
What about the clients! 

So yeah, working for my Gardener 2 days a week (my back could only do 2 day's hard work for him per week), doing Casual work in an allied work place for 9 months of the year, applying for Anaconda or some outdoor camping place lol. Surely they need OLDER people to get that demographic in the store? 
I'd love to work in Bunnings in the Gardening section lol. 
NDIS Support worker is always an option. 

IDK, sounds freaking AWESOME. 
So when the kids are more independent I think that's what I'll do. 5 - 6y left I think. 
Might even make that my Goal? Lol. 

I've been thinking over the years to do a Counselling Degree but no, I don't think I can commit to clients and it would be too heavy. Plus the HECS fees nah. Have enough Degrees and no HECS debt. 

Alot depends on BF and if he makes it out here to live, which I doubt will be in 5 years! But paying for travel back and forth is a consideration - possibly more freedom to travel with the latter mix of work. 

The CABIN. Hmmm. 

EM!

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Seems like my spirit is with you, haha. I'm sure you'll find the right colour, I have some deep green nail polish from Kmart, it was cheap as. I love that you have encouraged the creative talents of your kids and grandkids (not that I thought you wouldn't). The things you didn't have in youth you can share with them now. You're giving the same love and creative space to your own inner child. This makes me happy. (I have a picture of your garden ending up full of brightly painted Buddhas, haha. Love it.)

BF and the kids all know what has value to you, that's great. I smiled at BF's thing with all his points. They can be very handy when used right. Do tell him I very much appreciate the care he extended toward me, too. I wish his work weren't such slave drivers, you two deserve to be together.

Oh boy, I hear you about all those work thoughts, I've had my share over the years. No-one benefits from all the BS, least of all the clients. What a miserable environment for you, I wish it were better. I think it's good that you aren't just focused on the negatives of your workplace, but on thoughts of where you could be instead. That's the mindset that will steer you toward better places. I know there won't be any miraculous instantaneous fix, but I do want to say that sometimes life throws you changes that you never would have seen coming. If you are ready to grab opportunities, you will see them when they are there. Very much want to see you in a work situation that makes you happy.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, I'll pass on your message to BF, he'll love that you responded. 

So much is missing in the world. Compassion for one. 

Yes the kids invoke their Aunty Blue lol. I'll visit Kmart at some point for the green nail polish, perhaps I'll find some in a Chemist around here. IDK. 

Work is a 4 letter word atm. The more I concentrate on my mental HEALTH, the more I see the disparities. 
I have to go back to work today, not only because I have no leave left (lol) but because there's a special day on today and I'm not prepared. I left my stuff at work on Friday for it and haven't been back. 

I get to leave for work very early today - lucky me! I can get it done before my work starts. I hope. 

Everything's just too much atm. Overwhelm. 

More hot tea required. 
Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling after a long break. 

My Counsellor was in the U.S. for a month packing up their family home. She shared some of how she's doing. It's been hard for her, I can only imagine. 

She saw lots of things she's embarrassed about in her home country. 
I said it's no different here at the base level. Just watered down in spots. 

Knowing there are Laws against people living in their cars here (and in many states over there) is a result of people living in their ivory towers, not having a spec of an idea WHAT people have to deal with. 
So if it's against the Law to live in your CAR, what on earth should the displaced homeless people with NO car do? 
I am SO angry at the Govt making laws such as these. 

These people are not necessarily criminals at all. 
They are PEOPLE with no choices. 
Housing crisis. Not enough Govt housing. 
The Govt needs to get over themselves and spend a year living on the streets. Every single one of them. Without their income WE all pay for. 
There ARE solutions and band aid solutions in the meantime. 

The irony is unbelievable. 

She spent almost 2h with me, over the phone. Lol, back to that.
I really missed her. 

She said I did well with the angry neighbour. 
She LOVED my Goal of see how I'm doing in 5y at work. 

I haven't expanded here that my family are in a legal battle with a "foreign" Govt who has already stolen land with no explanation and seemingly doing the same thing. Hence that $10k needed from me. 
I had no idea "we" still owned this land. 
It could easily cost us more to fight for our rights than the sale of the land. 
The pressure out of LEFT field floored me. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Lovely, I wish BF well. I'm glad you have his kindness and compassion in your life.

Good luck on the green nail polish hunt. 🙂

You left work stuff at work and didn't engage with it over the week-end? Nice! Pity that means an early start to get organised now, but it's good you didn't bring it home with you. Another boundary that's worth preserving, between work life and home life.

I hear you about the overwhelm. Remember to breathe. LM has been helping me with working out just a couple of things a day to tackle, so that swirl of many little things and the difficulties I have with picking out what to prioritise are settled a bit, my days more manageable. Do you think BF or someone could step into that role for you, help untangle what really needs to be tackled first and what needs to wait? ADHD can really muddy the waters there and make it hard not to feel buried under everything. Believe me, I know it well!

I'm glad you were able to talk to your counsellor finally, it must have been a relief. I love your kind consideration of her, but I do want to remind you not to take on her emotional worries too deeply, it's her job to be there for you and you aren't obliged to carry her load too. I can see your outrage at capitalist cruelty mirroring my own, I am concerned I stirred the pot for you a bit, there. Can't say I disagree with what you said, though. If governments don't want people living in cars, it's up to them to create a system that supports vulnerable people instead of criminalising their very existence. It's not rocket science.

Can't quite get my head around what's happening with the land and the $10K being asked of you, it all sounds rather shady. Certainly does sound like it's come out of left field, something you could really do without. Can't advise you re that, but I can hold space for you, and supply a virtual cuppa.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue my friend! 

SO great LM could help you prioritise your chores. With all the added responsibilities you have, even minus the working week, oh btw are you still working? I thought not but now I'm not so sure, sorry. I can't see how you could work? Anyway caring for LM isn't a one woman job, even if she's beyond the Hulk atm. 

Sadly no one really knows what you have to do in your days except you! And LM is there to observe which helps him see what's needed. 
No one here could see what I need to do but me. The kids are fantastic most days, the ones at home even for half a day today, were cyclones in their rooms! Washed the dog too, nice! 
But I "let" them be teenagers and encourage them to hang out with their friends as much as possible. 

BF would drive me nuts if I asked him for help, oh Lordy be. He would have ZERO clue. Alexa, only now in her 30s can begin to see how under the pump I've been for decades and only because she has the kids 50%. She wished she had them 100% so I don't comment on her being "lucky" for time off or anything of that nature at all. 

Basically my priorities are shopping for food, preparing dinner and other meals when I'm home. Feeding all the pets. Sometimes prepping food for them. Cleaning up, sometimes we run the dishwasher 3 times in a day. MANY meals lol. Then laundry. We do at least 2 loads per day but can do 10 in a day too! MANY dirty clothes lol. 
If I can do all that and work FT then I'm doing fine lol. 

My Counsellor is great. I ask her how she's doing and she replies in pretty short sentences, unless I keep asking questions but I think she limits these to 3 lol. It helps me knowing what's happening because, for me, I know why she's MIA for 3 long periods of time this year. Up to 2 months a time. She never carries on to me. 
No worries there Blue! lol. Thanks for your protective thinking though. Hugs. 

I think I have to respond to the rest in a separate post. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Yah. Our family have owned land in a foreign country for oh IDK around 200 years? The Will was for it never to be sold, only used for family to build homes on the land. None of our family live there any more. 
That Govt has mandated that ONLY residents can own land in that country now. 

It appears that Govt "confiscated" some land 15y ago - which I didn't know about, not that it was really any of my business - being about what 20 generations after the Will was written, but apparently and yes Legally I found out this year that it's part mine. 
Shocking, as I was led to believe there was no land in our family left in that country.  

Anyway there's one acreage left. 

This side of my family didn't have nearly as many descendants as the other side of my family. 

So here I am being a Matriarch of some type, unwillingly to be sure! 
But the responsibility lies with me and really only 2 others being involved at this time. We're attempting to take charge and negotiate. 

If we could sell it privately then the shares would be split amongst about 11 I think, unsure. The longer it takes, the more family pass on, sadly. 
Seems it's not so simple to "just sell it", grrr. 

We needed to engage a Lawyer, down payment of $50K in the coffers. 

The other side of my family were in a similar legal dispute for 80 YEARS with this Govt. Cost around $200k for it to be settled for NOTHING. 

Govts can override any Wills it appears. 

That's another thing going on behind the scenes. 
EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya em .

l was just doing a bit in my thread , went for a look about later and low and behold , saw your thread.

Sorry you've had such a run of it but on a lighter note , had to laugh about the washing. l grew up in a family of 12 and it reminded me that we went through a washing machine every 4 or 5 yrs , dad was always complaining we were always needing a new wm,.

Yaknow about that land, it's very easy to browse land and re values anywhere in the world now  in 15mins. Might be an idea to check out the value of something similar in that area of that country before you even touch it - and check out their taxes too bc it could have a fortune owing in back taxes too. Most countries charge some sort of  property tax ,may well be better of just letting them keep it.

Good luck with everything anyway and l hope some nice surprises turn up instead and you get a bit of a break for awhile like l dunno , a nice block of chock , a million bucks, or how about a free holiday .

Take care.

rx