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new person
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Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.
my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!
happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂
I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.
I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.
I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.
Thanks for reading.
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Our meeting went well. She's very sweet and was so nervous! lol we both / all were.
Tbh she's very very very different from what I think I expected. She's delightful.
Blue I'm so sorry for the news you received this week. I can see you doing your best to care for LM and yourself. I wish the Drs weren't so negative. I really hope things come together for you both.
Yeah of far less importance... M texted last night and I still haven't been able to text back. It would cause a barrage of texts at best and her calling which I can't cope with atm.
It was a BIG thing she texted but... not feeling it tbh.
M lives 10 mins away. Zilch contact unless she wants something.
Then just when I got a handle on that... another person has been rising as a very difficult person at work. I can't get her POV and the way she treats others at work. People who need so much kindness and compassion and for this person if it's not about HER, then she gets angry... over it.
She called tonight and I thought NUP.
Can't do it.
I'm only just beginning to feel that things in my life and my family's lives is burgeoning like buds before Spring time. I want to see the GOOD in our lives.
I WANT to support the people who've been SO GOOD to me!
LIKE YOU BLUE.
Love EMxxxx
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Hey EM,
Glad meeting your son's new girlfriend went well and that you liked her. 🙂
Thanks. We know the surgery probably won't go ahead, for a range of reasons. I'd count it as a miracle if that outlook changes. In either eventuality, we know our time is limited. We will be making the best use of it we can.
I think M can wait. That one sentence tells all - she lives so close, but you hear nothing from her unless she wants something. Hate to say it, friend, but there's a bit of a pattern to these friendships you've gotten yourself into. Keep up the work on your boundaries.
As for that unpleasant work person - you're not on the clock, you don't have to listen to her. I wouldn't answer, either. That said, I seldom answer my phone - if I'm gonna talk to them at all, I'll ring back when I'm ready!
Those buds will blossom best with the nourishment of those boundaries you're building, and with removing all that stuff from your lives that doesn't belong - making room for what does. You're doing the right things and starting to see the benefits. Hold onto that, and keep going. 🙂
I'm glad you feel I've been good to you, EM. You're a great support.
Blue.
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Dearest Blue
I'm so very sorry that the outlook for LMs surgery is how they told you.
"Sorry" doesn't cut it anywhere near how I feel about it. There are no words for the feeling.
My heart aches for you both.
I hope you know you can talk about anything, whatever you need to, about the situation with LM.
Anything at all!
Yes, feeling like I've passed another "hurdle" meeting another gf of my sons'.
Alexa said she asked herself, "How many boyfriends and girlfriends will we have to meet, get close and LOSE...?" then she said "I felt like I don't want to get close to her". I said "That's not fair on her. I want to open our home and my heart to her, just as I have any other of their partners".
I'll call her E. I don't discuss many of the other partners.
E doesn't have a mum. She has 2 younger sisters too. Their dad raises them. I knew this before meeting E.
I rushed to get dressed and chose a very soft, fluffy top to wear. Perfume in my hair which is my thing.
I hugged her when I met her. She commented on how warm and soft that hug was!
She's like a fairy. Sweet blonde dyed light pink hair lol. Opaque, luminescent skin.
I agree about the friends.
Do you have Netflix Blue? The new episodes of Queer Eye are amazing. Loving these.
I will write on your other threads. Please don't feel you need to respond anywhere... this is YOUR time to spend time with LM.
Love EMxxxx
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Hey EM,
I understand. I can feel your compassion and support, and it has meaning. I appreciate it, and so does LM. I do know I can talk to you about it as I need. That said, in respect for this thread being your safe space, I'll keep details in my threads unless you ask anything specific here. I know you are not unaffected by my situation - better that you can pick your moments to read about it.
I understand both your perspective and Alexa's on meeting new partners of family. We've been through a bit of that with LM's dad, the man is bad at relationships. I liked his last partner, we got along well, it was disappointing when they broke up. She occasionally messages LM to ask how his health is going, so I guess that's a lesson in itself, that connections made aren't always wholly lost. The thing about your perspective is that there is the possibility of loss, but there is also the possibility of gain - a new relationship of worth, and a little kindness toward their partners is a great way to support your kids, if they feel welcome and not shut out. If you don't try, no-one wins and no-one can.
E sounds sweet. I like your description of her, it made me smile.
You are seeing the patterns now, making new friends with the knowledge of what is good and healthy. That matters.
Sure do. Haven't watched any Queer Eye, I'm more of a sci-fi/fantasy and anime viewer if I watch anything. I'm sure Queer Eye is fun.
Thanks. That said, only do what you can handle, too. Don't overload yourself on my account.
Blue.
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Dear Blue, thankyou for writing here. I know your time is more important now than ever. 😍
I found your other threads.
No Queer Eye? lol that's all good!
The transformations in peoples' lives is amazing, for that episode at least! I'm sure they have a long lasting effect regardless and regardless of the fact that most of it is for show - namely THEIR show, I don't care. Changing peoples' lives is enough for me to be very happy.
Aha, E is Fae like a Faery, like in the old English / Gaelic and dare I say Astrological concept.
She's TINY, looks so fragile. She speaks gently and quietly which is wonderful.
It's her birthday next week which is Astrologically interesting also being with son.
Yvette and I plan to go to the big shopping centre tomorrow to buy her some ear rings for her birthday, we already found out she wears silver only. We were going there anyway as Yvette had some things she wanted.
My motivation to go too was to get Pup's treats and our washing powder (yah VERY exciting lol) at the cheapest price I've seen - in the big Reject Shop there.
Alexa and the ACs were going to meet E this week at mine but that's been postponed due to it being Es birthday.
I expect Es dad is FAR younger than I am lol. I wonder how he's coping with raising THREE teenage girls, being a man and all.
I can see E takes on a lot of responsibilities at home. She was folding all their washing whilst face timing son at the same time.
E also bought and prepped all the dinner for son to meet the family. The dad is very impressed by my son which (ofcourse! LOL) is really nice. I bet he LOVES son picking E up from work when he can lol. Probably loves having a man around too lol. Anyway he likes son which is nice.
Getting back to Buddha and my Sat night time, which is alien to be sure...
Love EMxxxx
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Update:
I got some gifts of money for my birthday with a condition of spending it ONLY on myself lol. Yeah right... I bought lots of food! My downstairs freezer can barely SHUT now. This is my happy thought lol.
But I woke this morning knowing that I'd like to order a DNA test for me.
I'm fascinated by Genealogy. Most of my children have requested one for their birthday presents, so they have theirs.
Funny how the ACs pie charts have changed over the years. With more research AND more people uploading their DNA, more precise analyses are possible (that's the aim I guess?).
Some aspects of the ACs pie charts showed ancestors from parts of the world I was sure were form their father's side and not mine.
Then to my surprise, some of the younger children had the exact same % of these wild and awesome cultures!
I surmise that means, they're also my ancestors.
That's exciting to me.
I've always been fascinated by History. Family History has held my attention since I was a toddler lol.
Now to decide WHICH company to go through. One was problematic with the multiples.
This DNA investigation will be FUN! Need more fun in my life lol.
Love EM
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Hello Dear sweet ecomama.
Just calling in as I usually do, to listen to your words…and I find out it’s your Birthday..
So from the bottom of my heart ♥️..I want to wish you a Happy Birthday, and wish you a beautiful peaceful year ahead for you…..and many more of course ….I dropped In a cake 🎂 some munchies and a bottle of non alcoholic wine, also some tid bits for your beautiful animal family…..so you and your precious children can have a picnic in your yard, with all your feathered and fur friends..
I do hope you buy something nice for yourself….
Kind thoughts dear ecomama with my care…and extra hugs for your birthday 🥳 🎉..
Grandy…
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OH I LOVE Grandy hugs! So getting EXTRA Grandy HUGS IS AWESOME!
Thanks Grandy!
And thankyou for your wishes for my birthday. Extra hugs back lol. That's two times extra hugs, a lotta hugs lol.
Thankyou for our picnic too! You're so thoughtful and such a great cook!
Oh Grandy the Bower birds are back in our garden... such a beautiful sight. They're only a few metres away from me right now high up in the biggest tree in my garden. Eye sight level from where I am on the balcony.
Thankyou nature. It's been a happy birthday week indeed.
With my birthday money I filled the freezers lol... a roast is in the oven right now baking away. Yum.
And bought 3 books at the bookstore today, ones I didn't even know I needed lol.
Brene wrote ANOTHER book Grandy!
I bought it today "Atlas of the Heart; Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience" and it's BIG. Omg 70 topics hmm. Bright red cover and it has nature sketches on the front cover too.
And I bought "The Green Witch's GARDEN" and "Setting Boundaries" hahaha.
It says "Setting Boundaries; Care for yourself and stop being controlled by others" and probably not a moment too late lol. Hope I can put the information in to good use.
Thanks for popping in Grandy, I appreciate it very much,
Love EMxxxx
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Hey EM,
Quick one tonight because it's rather late. We had D&D today, it went for hours and was just some really special time connecting with our friends.
Just wanted to say a big happy birthday to you, and drop in with some home made cupcakes and some nail polish to add to Buddha's new look if there are any colours you're missing.
Really happy to see you've spent some birthday money on some good food and some things you enjoy. That book on boundaries, great stuff. I hope it has some good tips to make it easier.
Hugs,
Blue.
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Hey Blue
Happy you had fun times connecting with friends playing D&D! lol I actually knows what that means now hahaha.
Some of Alexa's friends are really into D&D, like BIG time, just like you guys.
I'm so glad you're finding ways to have fun and connect with people who mean a lot to you both, even with the challenges you're facing. Makes my heart sing.
Thankyou also for your birthday wishes and those yummy cupcakes lol. Aha the books are already amazing.
I began reading the Brene Brown one this morning, woah... deep stuff.
Not sure if I'm actually ready to take in this incredibly perceptive knowledge and research over matters of the heart...
it could also be a necessary part of my healing journey, IDK lol.
I chose deep satin green like your Wedding dress for the nail polish you gave me lol.
It's the specific colour my grand kiddies chose for Buddha and I didn't have that colour.
It's on the TO BUY list before they come back and add their "Artistic Flair" to my precious Buddha lol.
Alexa was concerned that I'm letting them paint him too.
I WANT them to.
Having those sweet strokes in parts they want to paint will be something to smile about when I'm looking at Buddha on my balcony when he's finished.
Thanks Blue
Love EMxxxx