new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

The satin was under the lace on the skirt. I had a wardrobe malfunction with my blouse, en route to the car all the buttons were popping open - button holes too big for the buttons, and ol' Blue is a bit curvy. I ended up having to stitch myself into the top before we left...

We wanted to work our little ones into the ceremony. They featured in our vows, too, which we wrote ourselves. Yes, special and also sad.

Sir Pecks is absolutely a one-of-a-kind bird. Such a beautiful, gentle, loving spirit. So full of energy and enthusiasm, playfulness and song. The one extrovert in our little family. The mover and shaker we miss so dearly. Mr Feisty is our little introvert, so much like his parents. He's a tough little boy, reserved in his affections but also loving in his own way. He came to sit on my head when I was really sad, yesterday, and has been generally more sociable than usual, looking after his mum and dad during a bad couple of days. Aside from me feeling bad mentally, LM has had a migraine that really knocked him about.

You said "It's like if we don't stop and acknowledge the grief at such a huge loss, we aren't showing the deep love we have for that being." Yes, 100%. I have had to stop and just hold space for Sir Pecks.

I know you don't expect me to respond. For both our sakes I would rather at least let you know when I'm not doing so well & need a time out than leave you wondering why I'm not there. Friendship maintenance 101 in my book.

I imagine the sneezing is from the dust, happens to me when I get right into the dirty jobs. Have you had any of those naps you need? Have you heard from BF?

Might be worth examining your feelings about Van Life. If it's getting you down, or bitter-sweet, maybe limit how long you spend with it? I hear you about the beach, I used to love swimming. Haven't done it now in years, it's pretty depressing. That said, it's quite a drive for me to go. If you have them close, maybe if you don't feel like you can take a time out from responsibilities, you could sit at the beach whilst making phone calls you have to make or something? Tie it in so you get some of what you need.

It must be hard, missing BF like you are. I hope he can at least get some time off to be with you.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thanks for that, yes Friendship 101 lol. Got it. 

Your Wedding dress sounds BEAUTIFUL, like a Magical Queen in Merlin or some other mystical legends. 
Lol to sewing yourself in! It wouldn't be the full spectrum of a Wedding Day without some type of mishap. 

Gosh grief is a complicated thing. I thought you'd get what I was intuiting about your present grieving for the amazing Sir Pecks. I think it's a really important part of life, to be able to TALK about our grief, the losses we feel now that they're gone and every memory we want to share. 
It's okay to be sad. 

My friend has made "Shrines" all over her home. Whenever I visit, she shows me what she's added to these shrines. IDK if it's a recovery tool or if it's not helping her, IDK. But it has brought her family's grief to the fore in their home and any visitors SEES these. 
For me, I don't have photos on display of the people I grieve for. I used to, don't any more. 

BF texted, while I was asleep. He'd gotten home very late, had dinner around his 11pm. Far too late to talk. We don't talk nearly as much as we used to. I needed this tbh. It's helped me get on with things more in my day times. But I miss being with him. He's such a joy to be with. He's open to talking about ANY feelings, ANY memories, ANY thing. I love safe that openness we've found in our r/ship. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: 

Yvette got her L's today, yay for her! lol. She was smiling from ear to ear. She had been doing the practice tests online for weeks. She did it. Phew. 

Then she needed new dance shoes, since she only returned this year, since before Covid 2.5y ago. I allocate all Family Payments for the kids, so thankfully I could put this money towards these. She's as happy as a chook in my garden lol. 

Bf just called, so I'll leave it there for now. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

More updates: never a dull moment... 

All fine though. Yvette has big plans for a car etc. She's saving a lot to go towards it, probably will get one she likes in March next year. Until then, she's excited to be legally allowed to have a go at driving "the beast" as we call her... my big car. 
We have a great field we go to (and many others are there driving on their Ls too lol), OFF road and just safer to begin with. It's kind of our "Initiation to Driving" field. A short distance away too. 

Next year we've decided to try doing 2 things to get her hours up. 
1. More vocational - becoming fast food delivery drivers together. Not sure if we can but it's a great idea. Petrol will come out of profits first then splitting the rest between us. 
2. Driving to BEACHES yay! Sounds wonderful. 
Yvette said she wants to get to know our local area again. This is HUGE progress for her, truly. I'm so grateful. 

My friend M is going thru the hell of Family Law, haven't expanded on this here. I was intensively supporting her to begin with but had to retract alot from the triggers and exhaustion of it. Sounds selfish BUT "Oxygen mask on self first EM", so I did. Today we had a long talk bec of the next huge hurdle for her. 
It's a VERY similar set of circumstances to what I was in. Mother working FT, earning the cast majority of the money. Father a useless waster. Multiple affairs exposed ALL at once for her. Police and detectives involved = similar. 
She's a highly educated person working 3 jobs. Kids still at home. It's so stressful to be going thru this. I know! She knows I know. 

The plan is a good one. 
I know she'll get thru this but I was like a spent paper bag for years before & afterwards, she feels like this too. 
She just didn't have near the time I had to prep herself. 
Clearly her exH DID! 

Tonight we're going to the Local Theatre! Using Govt Family Vouchers for the tickets. We get 5 x $50 vouchers. Luckily bec the tickets are $49 each lol. My grandchildren's teachers are lead actors in the performance, so they wanted us to attend. 

Could do with a nap first! lol, not today. 
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

UPdate: financial boundaries with my Adult Children. 

Tomorrow is the day (again) that we're trying to sort out Alexa's phone plan. 
I went thru my Bank Acc as she asked me to, to find out when she paid me last for her phone. 
There's no trace of payments for over a year. 
She didn't believe me but wouldn't check her accounts herself. (I consider THAT being called "a liar" grr). 

This is only ONE issue with ONE AC. 

Yes I brought it up often. 
Yes I suggested paying just from NOW. Didn't happen. 
It's been so long (3y!). I became SO disillusioned over it all. Sad, frustrated. 

Tomorrow the PLAN is to meet at the phone place. 
I bet my house she pulls out, again. 

This means AGAIN I have an extra $600+on my phone bill. I'm TOTALLY over this happening over and over again! Last times $1300, $1100, crazy making! 
MY phone's screen is cracked all over. 
MY phone's old & crotchety! 

I'm frugal to the nth degree but paying for everyone ELSE'S lifestyles and gadgets. 
NO MORE. 

This is ONE thing I've been working on for 3 years with ONE child. 
I've had enough and am establishing GOOD boundaries. 

EMxxxx

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

You are far more patient than I would be regarding the phone costs... sorry but they are adults... perhaps after dealing with the elder of my brothers I learnt to be hard & enforce boundaries with very few chances... if the phone is on your account I would tell her to meet you at the phone shop or you will simply have it removed from your account & disconnected... (same if you have direct debit- cancel) no further chances... you have more than enough on your plate without this nonsense... 

hugs

Paws

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Simple friendship rule, in my mind. 🙂

Not a new outfit, but my best one. LM loves me looking Goth. It's mutual! Ha, I said the same - it isn't a wedding without a mishap.

Not sure my grief is so complicated, I can whittle it down to 4 words; "Bird gone - want bird". Yes, it's important to be able to talk about our grief. They say stuff like PTSD happens when you're unsupported recovering from trauma. That's where these conversations come in, to heal and adapt healthily. One can't do that alone. I know it's okay to be sad. I am. But I want to remember our baby and all the joy he brought. That's worth the hurt of missing him.

Hm, not so sure about those shrines, I can't imagine it's helping. I do want to have a photo of Sir Pecks up, just one, of a time when he was well and happy and we four were a family (he is the elder of our birds, and was a few years old when LM came into our lives and adopted him).

I know you miss BF and it isn't a slight to him to not want as much time spent on phone calls. I'll hazard a guess you want quality over quantity, and some time to yourself too, for quiet reflection. As for getting things done during phone calls, I use a hands free kit these days, I just can't sit still for a phone call and want to do things. I'm glad when you talk with him you can have these open conversations, it is freeing to have that with someone.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Really happy to hear Yvette passed her L test. Woo-hoo! That's good for her and good for you - a step closer to her driving herself to work. Meantime, I guess driving for Uber Eats or something similar could be a good way to get up her hours and make some money toward these monster bills you've been dealing with. And driving to beaches. Yes! This shows not only some progress for her, but some care for you as I'm sure she knows you love beaches.

I'm glad you're finding some boundaries with your friend M. I can imagine how triggering her situation is for you. It's one thing for you to be a friendly ear and offer advice, but yes, you do need to put your oxygen mask on yourself first. You can't help anyone if you ruin yourself in the attempt. Taking care of yourself is paramount.

Really happy to hear you're going to the theatre, I hope you have a great time. Cool that you know some of the actors.

I must say I agree 100% with Paws about Alexa and the phone, I was going to say the same thing. How you put up with it for this long is beyond me. That behaviour is selfish and shows no regard for the hardship she's causing you and I don't believe for a second she doesn't know exactly what she's doing. She'll figure out how to get frugal and pay her own bills real quick when you stop paying them, I'm sure.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks for your support Paws. I'm feeling really bad about things in this sector. It helps to have support over this. 

I agree of course. 
We did go to the phone shop together almost a month ago and thought we had it all sorted, with no hidden or extra costs then BAM the extra $600+ on my phone bill. Made me sick! 
I literally couldn't cancel her phone without paying this out. I can't stop auto deductions. having ALL our phones on the same account. 

Crazy making shyte. 

For the sake of full transparency, Alexa was leaving her violent spouse and HE controlled her phone. She had fled to my house with the kids and was devastated. We went out the next day and got her a phone under MY name. She had NO money. NO sole accounts. Only 2 pair of underwear. Almost nothing. 

She was at Uni and literally LOST 2 businesses she worked with her spouse at overnight. He shut them. She had no power. 
Last year her dog needed several expensive surgeries to save her life. I helped her out there, we ALL did because we love that dog so much. She mostly paid us back, it was a fortune. 

This is how we got to this point. 

Thanks Paws, EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, goth sounds beautiful lol. 

That's interesting what you said about PTSD & grief. I've not remembered that. Makes sense. 

The 4 shrines T has are always changing. Like she doesn't want those people to miss out on anything happening in their current lives. We usually have a cry & a hug talking about a memory we have of that person when she shows me her shrines. It's almost a custom in her home now. 

My whole house and garden can feel like a shrine when I'm in a downer. I used to ruminate SO MUCH, having circular thoughts all the time. It's getting less over time. 
BF has the patience of a SAINT with me. He NEVER tells me to stop talking about demon. 
He actually reminds me of similar actions demon did and I often have "AHA" moments. That's the ADHD I think... he's super intelligent and can connect things I can't at times. 

When I say "thankyou for letting me talk about that", he says "Of course darling! I love you!" and more. 

I do have earbuds to talk to BF and did 3 hours banana trimming on the phone "with" him today lol. Raking lemons etc. QUIET work so we can still talk. NO power tools, darn it lol. 

I find myself needing SO MUCH alone time. To think. To feel the grief which is soul deep. To be able to breathe. 

Love EM