new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thanku. Yes, the financial sitch has potential to do deeper MH damage. 

I can't wait for my Counsellor to come back from the U.S. 

My Tax Return this year + next will go to the Govt. Yep all it. 
I'll let you know how much it was anyway. 
But it's not mine. 

Renting is an impossible thought for us, no pets allowed esp, would need a HUGE house.
There's a rental crisis! Stupid ppl think I'd be better off, I'm getting angry at the suggestion now. It does cost me around $700 / week for mortgage, land rates & comp house Ins. Water rates on top of that. 
It'd cost around $750 / week to rent similar but with no pets. Less Ins and no Land Rates. Water on top. 

No rental history! 

Thank God I have water tanks lol. 

Remember when I got Solar Panels on an interest free loan? 
That's been $47 per fortnight every fortnight for c2.5y. 
It finishes around Feb / March 2023. THAT $ will be mine after then. 

I had a massive legal issue whilst I was on Leave with my work, but ONLY about my surname. 
I hadn't done ANYTHING wrong. Took a week of high stress, job threatened ffs. 

A week on that, I didn't get things done that I wanted to get done. HIGH stress on Leave. 

I need to change Elec Companies. Sick of the crap. During the Courts era I changed Companies regularly & got the "new customer" discounts each time. Elec was around $200 - $300 / quarter for all of us existing here. 

Our comparison is STILL that only TWO ppl live here, so we do well! It's still too expensive. I need to change again. 

Petrol is a huge cost with a big car. Need that car. Never had a car loan, won't do it lol. BUT I'm saving lots there too with kids buying their own cars. Learning in their own cars mostly. I ALWAYS do multi purpose trips. Never do just one thing / trip unless it's midnight picking up the kids. I EFTPOSd this car @ $30k, 20y ago. 

No point in monitoring petrol. I can't cut back there. 

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, Sorry I didn't address the eggs & religion topics. Eggs yes that's me if I walk away. Now I STAY in the kitchen if I'm cooking. I clean up, empty dishwasher, wash benches. Sit on my kitchen stool if I need to, JUST to stay near the stove lol. 

I'm not a "religious" person. Just believe in certain things, not to doctrine, just from experiences with faith. Tbh my experience with every Church I've been to is that a) they can be exclusive immediately so I don't return or b) which is the more common things for me, they're very welcoming for a while... then the TOP down pressure starts. So I leave! I have a weak association with one Church atm. I visit on Leave sometimes. 

My long term friendships are more that we share very similar VALUES. None of my long term friends go to Church. 

Yep I took another day off work today. I have an infected scar which is troubling my digestion. Very uncomfortable. It happens some times. At least no staples are coming out of the scar this time.

Pay day today. First full pay in c2 months.
I worked out if I paid all the bills as per my schedule then I'd have $12 for food for this fortnight. I've spent no more than $200 / week to feed us all the past months, usually around $100 / week. One week it was $23 which was tight! 

The kids bring home leftovers from work. I've made up recipes to use that food to feed us. I can do more time consuming things to help feed the cat & dog with it - very stressful. Doubt it's good for any of us long term. 

No wonder when I have "unallocated monies", I buy ahead, top up freezers and pantry stores. This is what carries us thru the lean times. 

Now with HUGE unforeseen bills, more to that story, I'm at a crux. 
ACs have depended upon me financially, which can't continue. Trying to change THEIR habits has introduced issues in our r/ships. They resist 100%. I have no choice but to force the change. 

Dealing with the surprise $10k debt has me crumbling under the pressure. Need to start paying it, no money to do that. 

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: lol my thread is getting a WORK OUT! 

Sleep. I have slept SO MUCH on these days off. Probably the sleep I needed on my Leave recently but didn't get. 

When my C or others say "Oh it's only for a short while" they really have NO IDEA! This lack of sleep, or constantly interrupted sleep, has been going on for over 30y lol. Not long? I think YES long. Still a few years left. 

It's mainly the midnight - 2:30am call outs from kids finishing work at unknown times. Then needing to work the next day and then out again the next night. Sometimes I fall into bed the moment I get home from work and have 25 mins sleep before I'm woken to take them to work etc. 

I'd rather my kids be SAFE than anything so it's just the only thing I can do right now. 

So I've recognised I need a lot more sleep. I went back to sleep after waking this morning. Did some chores.  Went back to sleep after lunch. Feel more normal now than I have in weeks. 

Just a light bulb moment I needed to note on my thread. 
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Again, can't respond to everything in one post, but will address the main bits.

That must be quite a blow, to not benefit from your tax return. And who the heck is suggesting selling your house, anyway? No-one with any financial sense would count that as a useful decision for staying afloat in this economy! At least the solar loan being almost done soon will bolster your coffers a bit.

I'm sorry your leave got stuffed up with all that stress. As for electricity... it could be worse, I'm given to understand SA is among the highest charged places in the world, even with solar our bills reflect that, noticeably bigger than yours. Wish we could afford a battery.

Ah, staying in the kitchen is a good plan for eggs. I try. Sometimes I even succeed!

I didn't mean to use religion as a reference to church so much as faith in general. Misnomer on my part. Churches have a way of distorting it, those of faith I have known who don't attend church have typically been people I respect more, having not gotten into mob mentality I guess. I agree that the best friendships rely on core values above things like religion.

That scar sounds troublesome. I hope the infection heals soon.

All you said about food and budgeting and using unallocated funds to stock up sounds real familiar.

Oh boy, yeah those ACs of yours need to get financially independent. There have to be boundaries, you can help your kids when things go wrong, that's not the same as letting them make bad choices at your expense.

30 yrs of not enough sleep? I had about 10, that was enough! You do forget after a while how much you need it, until you get some. I guess your younger kids are on or about to be on L plates and can't drive or car pool with an older one sometimes? I hope you can find more opportunities for rest, EM, you need it.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Oh, I think I forgot to respond about it earlier, but you're more than welcome to ask stuff about the wedding, it's not prying. Happy to talk about it, and will tell you more after I get some shut-eye. What would you like to know? 🙂

[ecomama]

Lol I would like to know WHAT you wore? What colours did you both choose? I have a thing about colours, LOVE blue, green, purple lol. Like all colours. 
Flowers? Oh anything you want to share! 

Yep been constantly paying for AC's "bad decisions" or "life". So hard on me, makes my heart hurt. I have OFTEN said "So I won't say 'I told you so'", because most of these decisions, only when asked my opinion, I was against! 
I guess it's all LEARNING but learning I shouldn't suffer for. Times are a changin'. 

Yep the reality of my Tax Returns atm. It was a SOLID decision I made years ago. I knew it would catch up but it was that or lose our home. Crux stuff. I'll let you know what happens, Prayers may help! 

Re: Elec. I'm watching so many Tiny House / Van Life stuff. Minimum elec, learning so much! It COSTS to do this but maybe it's worth it for specific areas for us? Using portable Solar Panels for a portable battery with USB & elec outlets. I'm SERIOUSLY looking at this, we have SO MUCH SUN! The reviews on these YT Channels are intriguing! 
Looking at alternative showering options (for me only), using tank water, solar heating options, diverting grey water in my garden.  

Kids catch buses to work when possible. Car pool when possible too but all work different shifts. They get lifts from safe ppl when possible. It's tricky! We do the best we can to minimise our collective time, energy, fuel expenditure. It's not safe for them to walk & wait at those bus stops at night. Bad things happen on this strip. Safety first. 
Another child going for their Ls on Saturday. Dear Blue, wish me luck. They get SO UPSET if they fail. I started off paying for THESE tests with the ACs, one thing I can't pull back on. It's expensive ugh. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue! 

Hoping my response comes through in order lol. This is number 2 🙄. 

How is LM going? 

My tummy is all over the place. I've taken the next 2 days off work. 

Besides the kids, pets and house hold duties, I want to clear off my balcony if my energy allows lol. 

Maybe I'll sleep instead! 

I've been having dreams again. I had a repeat dream I've only had once, about 7y ago, but it was strange to have the same dream again last night. 
I think the core parts of this dream are coming true. BF was in the dream both times. The dreams were identical, except d wasn't in the last one lol. 

So today it's like I SEE the home in my dreams and want to work towards that. 
There are extras like window coverings, perhaps the new blinds from T's? 
Definitely the beautiful sheer white fabric we got for a steal for the huge expanse of windows in the loungeroom, gotta get this done before Summer. 

I don't think we can get another Council pick up for unwanted goods until next year now. 
Green waste yes but my green bin & composting is enough atm. 

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Today my energy is failing me. Sir Pecks is on my mind so much, the grief is really hitting me hard. I'm not quite up to writing anything much just now, only enough to say I'm listening. I know you're struggling with some really hard financial stuff and triggers, and with establishing boundaries with your ACs who sound like they've really been taking advantage. I know you are working hard to find solutions, and I know you are achieving great things with your minimising. I see you.

Blue.

PS More on it when I'm up to it, but to answer your question, we went Goth for the wedding. Black lace and forest green satin for me, LM in black with an ornately embroidered vest (no tie or anything like that). No flowers, feathers though. We released feathers from both birds when we exchanged rings.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, that sounds beautiful! Green satin!! Wow. 

How special that you and LM were able to Celebrate the day with releasing feathers from both birds!  
Omg how sad too. 
Dear Blue, the grief. I hear you and I acknowledge your deep grief. I'm so sorry. Love you guys. Millions of gentle hugs. This time is sooooooo hard. What a beautiful one in a million bird Sir Pecks is. xxxx 

Gosh some times we just need to stop and cry. Stop full stop. Just BE. 

It's like if we don't stop and acknowledge the grief at such a huge loss, we aren't showing the deep love we have for that being. Is that how you feel some times? 

As always, please don't feel you have to respond to me. 
I appreciate when you do! 
But it means more to me that you are looking after yourself than anything else. 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: 
Today I woke up with what feels like a cold. Sneezing like crazy and blowing my nose all the time. Hopefully it was only the dust I've been stirring up. Can't believe I've had 5 whole days off work only to feel a different kind of sickness at the end. 

I've got lots of commitments this weekend, all for the kids. 
Will try to get some naps in here and there, feeling so tired. 

BF was supposed to call today, so I stayed awake. He must've been delayed on his trip. I really need to follow my instincts more. I wanted to go back to sleep after taking the kids to respective day duties but didn't. I waited. 

Been watching, really listening to lol, a lot of "Van Life" on YT. 
It looks AMAZING. So much freedom. Not sure if this is helping my MH or making me feel down. 
I get some smiles out of it, gosh even being able to go to the beach sounds incredible. 
I just never go to the beach and we have tons of them around us. 

It's a calm sunny day today. Good for drying all the washing on my line. I washed all the linen from my bed, the whole lot, so there's still stuff waiting to be hung out to dry. The line's FULL. 
It felt nice sleeping in clean sheets last night, finally. 

My new bedroom light shade looks nice! I hung it yesterday. BF will have to make safer adjustments to it when he eventually gets here. I'm retraining myself from writing a long long list for him to do! Just this one. If he wants to do other things for us while he's here, he'll be very welcome to lol. He really wants us to go on a trip together somewhere in Oz. He'd planned for Sept this year, but I secretly didn't. His bosses aren't very co-operative with letting him take a decent amount of his Leave at once. 
So I'm "waiting" for him on that level too. 

Crazy to think that the whole time I've been on the BB forums, I haven't seen BF once. 

Have a nice day
EM