new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thankfully LM's social worker at the hospital was able to help me with the paperwork, it's a real headache. The doctors, unfortunately, are really dragging their heels with the bit they have to fill in, so who knows how long before I can even fully submit the application? Very frustrating.

I hope the name business can be sorted out quickly.

I don't mean to suggest forgiveness isn't an option or that you should blow your top at them. I can imagine the frustration, though. I hope you had a good outlet for it, like getting stuck into the garden or something.

Hey, that bath and watching your dear friend (I smiled at that, our favourite YouTubers we call friends, too) are some good self care. I miss baths. I have one, but it's rusty and not really fit for use. Had thought to replace it soon after I moved in some years ago, but life happened.

I see what you mean about the gifts you've received over time. They seem like they will be good and useful or profitable at the time, then life says "well, actually...". As for then vs now with stuff being given to you, life at least sometimes works out how you need it to.

Nothing wrong with your enthusiasm for minimising. I suspect that like me, you have to just grab the motivation while it's there and milk it for all it's worth. That's how we get stuff done, before something else distracts us!

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Oh gosh Blue, pretty frustrating that Drs aren't getting the paperwork in! I'd be a "squeaky door" phoning their offices quite frequently to politely ask how the paperwork is going. We should not have fears that people who aren't doing their jobs in a timely manner need pushing sometimes, "reminding" is more polite lol! 

Name change needs paperwork which costs money & all sorts, mega pain. 

Yeah part of the reason why I didn't get the texts about the ACs not coming for dinner is that my phone isn't getting all texts. I often ask the kids to phone them from their phones. Then we realise the issue. MY PHONE. 

I wasn't as angry as I could've been. I just got on with it as best I could. STILL CLEANING UP THOUGH lol. 3 dishwasher loads, still going. Lunch was nice. 

We've had alot of flooding here, AGAIN. No gardening, far too muddy & wet! Tank water is SO useful for the washing machine. I'm $400+ ahead in my water rates, which usually keeps up. That's how much I've saved on water bills, omg. AWE SOME! 

Rain can stop now. 

Minimising bedroom is ongoing. 3 bags of shoes to sort. Repairing my shoes saves money, have to weigh this up. Then my shoe cupboard! I've only bought 3 pairs in 8y (those suggested by my podiatrist) oh and 1 pair of steel capped boots for the garden & food shopping when I feel like it lol! 

Certainly am loving this motivation for minimising. Even with a messy kitchen last night, it's still so much better than it once was. 

We bought heaps of Asian food in our groceries. Some creative meals coming up lol. 

Talk soon
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Frustrating in the extreme. The social worker is being our "squeaky door"... except she's been off sick for a couple of days. I most certainly don't have the energy or focus for it.

I remain perplexed by that. Name change stuff should only cost money if you're doing it from scratch through deed poll, not fixing someone's sloppy payroll records.

Technical difficulties strike again, that really sucks. Hopefully you can get that problem rectified, the last thing you need is unreliable ability to communicate.

Ugh, I can only imagine the cleaning. I suppose more cleaning again with all the flooding. As you say, at least it keeps the water bill down.

Wow, that's a lot of shoes. Good luck working your way through those. One handy tip I've heard about picking what to keep is asking if you would buy the same item now if you didn't have it.

Yup, that's what I felt with minimising. Huge weight lifted off my mind, when things are messy now they are still kind of manageable because there is less stuff. It feels better, easier, more functional.

Asian food sounds good, you've got me thinking about garlic greens. Love me some sautéed bok choy.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Oh yes bok choy yum! Pity my chooks love it too lol. 

I'm glad a Social Worker is taking that responsibility on your behalves. Great news!! Hope she gets better soon lol. 

Our threads are crossing over lol.
My kids' feet grew bigger than mine, SO I inherited all their expensive Ugg boots which I LOVE. I wear them ALL the time esp when it's cold. Haven't bought any for myself for about 10y BUT maybe have 5 pairs? I wear 1 pair at a time, wear them out, start on the next pair. 
So yes I'd buy these again but not 5 pairs at once. 

Same with some sandals I love etc. That's how I got so many shoes. I'm no intentional Imelda. 
The high heels are probably going. My podiatrist said I needed to "change my fashion" for the health of my feet. I seldom wear them now. 

Helped my friend T tonight. It was nice spending time with her. Stayed till almost midnight and got to pick up the kids from work on the way home which was awesome! 

Now I'm washing their work gear to have ready for a 6am wake up to get back there. Oh the fun! 
No wonder I'm tired. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Of course the chooks love it. How are your dear chickens?

Yeah, fingers crossed. She has already been of help getting some of our bills paid. It is making a difference. LM's dad has helped us a bit with money, too.

Yup, they sure are. Ah, okay. I guess their feet have done all the growing they're going to by now, you probably won't inherit too many more so that will resolve itself. If you're keeping those shoes, I guess it's about good storage options then. Heels definitely aren't good for feet, I have rarely worn them, I'm a bit of a boy. 🙂

Glad you had time with your friend, social time that's just yours is important. Sounds like the timing worked out nicely, too.

That's too much, if they're old enough to work, they're old enough to wash their own clothes. Just sayin'.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Good morning Blue, 

The chooks mmm. That's why I was up at 4am this morning. Late yesterday afternoon I checked my mail and there's a letter from Council, my problem neighbour has complained (we have 3 prob neighbours in our street - friends of demon). It's triggering to get "official" letters, heck I couldn't even go to my letterbox at one stage without triggering on the short walk. 

I've no more paid leave left to take, so I'll be at work all day today. I'll be helping when I get home until beyond dark, even if it's raining. 

2 kids are off work today, will sleep in, late work shifts. Then they've got a mountain of work to do to fix the chook's shed. Gosh even writing this I'm starting to shake. 
The letter was dated almost a WEEK AGO. Warning they'll visit to inspect whenever they want to. Whether we're home or not, they'll enter my property to do this. And they do! 

Chooks shed has large holes in the wire from wild animals (foxes? Brush Turkeys? Goannas?) pushing the sides in. Wire needs reinforcing with the spare wire, zip ties, anything. 
Plus it's flooding. Massive amounts of soil needs moving to raise the soil level. 

Then moving any sand we have to go on top of the soil. So work work, hard work it is and in the rain! 

After work tomorrow I have to make the long drive to a Rural Trading store to try and get diatomaceous mix. 

I have a sick chicken and she can't go in there. She's improved with care, she couldn't walk a few months ago and can barely manage now. Keeping her 15m within our home is against regulations. Grr. 

Gotta go. I need to get tools / materials organised for the kids to work today in the dark ughhh. 

We work together as a team, washing included lol. 
Massive days at work again this week... it never rains... but it's always RAINING! 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Oh boy, I understand your stress about official letters and inspections, I'm not surprised that is triggering for you. I wish you weren't being faced with such unnecessary, malicious intrusions. So much extra work on your shoulders just because someone won't mind their own business and leave you to yours. It makes me so angry that there are people willing to make the lives of others so difficult for no reason.

Sending love and support for you and your lovely chicken. Give her a cuddle from me.

Good to hear it's all teamwork with washing and so on, that's so important.

If you haven't seen on my main thread, I'm off to do some last minute prep for getting married. It's finally happening. Very excited.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey peeps,
We survived another day. The chooks shed got repaired by the kids, they did a spectacular job!!
I spent hours scrubbing & cleaning "evidence" of the chooks ever being out lol. 

The Bulldog next door moved out today. We'll miss that gorgeous puppy. We may notice the shed not being damaged now? NO I never complained about her. I'm not like some people in our street. 

My Uncle built one wall of our downstairs porch (ages ago now, Covid interrupted his flow), he installed awesome slatted windows. Pity the nosey neighbours can SEE THRU THEM. 
SO I've decided to use 2 of the blinds T gave us to COVER THEM. They are tiny bit wider than the windows I think... need to measure them properly. But being an "outdoor room" and the blinds being free (and GORGEOUS!)... they'll suit our purpose. 

My Aunty is going to the U.S. soon & my Uncle asked to stay overnight to keep working. No one knows what he'll do to the place with his ADHD & no one being home to "supervise". 
Last time we had A LIST of jobs for him. We ended up with no upstairs shower for months which was NOT on the list at all! He didn't like the shower head ugh! 
Time before, he locked himself inside the house (the key was next to the door on a set of hooks). 
He UNSCREWED the front door lock off! We ended up having to get 7 lots of new keys cut. 
PRAY FOR US lol! 

Uncle does some WONDERFUL work for us too. He just gets random quite often. It runs in the family lol. 

Love EM

[ecomama]

Oh Blue

My post Congratulating you didn't appear, sorry!! 

I am sooo happy for you getting married very soon. 
A huge congratulations. 

Such HAPPY NEWS! 

I hope the weather is kind for your big day. 
I am so grateful you two got there. 

Love always EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thank you so much, dear friend. All is a whirl right now. I may have a few quiet days on the forum, but I'll be back. Much love.

Blue.