new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Mara and anyone else reading,

Indeed I was so sharp during the S event and for days after, probably even now. I can't tell what I;m shaking from.... 2 phone calls in a row from the Psychs clinic just now OR completing the Kesslar Assessment with a training psychologist friend to "co-regulate" me less than an hour ago OR the past 10 days having 2 police events that were life threatening.

HORRIBLE.

I'm trying to deal with C-PTSD from past events, with actual current situations that people may have had trauma responses and PTSD from! It's hell.

And the training psych who supported me to open the STPs email (I trigger from opening personal email) AND to complete the Kesslar chose some VERY choice words to describe the STP.
I was already shocked during the session that STP was asking me to do something that I told her triggered me - without support.
Croix already spoke of such.
Training Pysch who has know me for 30y was FURIOUS.

I have another STP phone appt this Thursday. I'm beginning to get confused with the mixed messages.

I could blame covid for this but I honestly can't.

I'm giving it this Thursday and seeing how things go. TBH I think she's already destroyed any faith I had in her to be able to support any MH healing. I had 90% faith she could carry me "so far".... but now I might be able to muster 10%.

IDK it's crappy. Years ago I already dumped "the best psych" in 300klm radius. Pffft.

Looks like it could be a bumpy road to find someone. I don't care lol atm I'm snowed under with S situation and everything else.

I'm absolutely only working 3d probably for the rest of the year now after I return from leave. It will be very difficult financially, especially with a continued drain on a psych who is causing more stress :-0

Gotta pick up the kids.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

So glad you had your friend with you when you opened the email and did the Kessler assessment.

Trust your intuition Em. You’re a wise, aware lady, you’ll know how to proceed in terms of your STP.

I hope S and yourself stay safe.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mara.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth others cope without similar supports to me. Or with little English or with difficulties with literacy, you know it goes on and on that list. I really don't know. Anxiety kicks in on all levels sometimes.

Thankyou. S is safe atm, we just spoke and the friends are gathering and visiting. So I feel a lot better now. We are minding their family pets - because those were threatened.

I really hate these people. Ordinarily I evaporate them from my mind.

The kid's Headspace psych phoned today and it was the first time I cried over my youngest daughter being held by the offenders we didn't even know. I was terrified of what they were going to do to her. I was VERY aware of what I was thinking to do if one hair on her head was harmed. The Police being here saved those people and saved me. The Headspace psych said it was a shocking ordeal we went through and then she heard the following week's police event. She said it was no wonder I was shaking for days after each, many people do have trauma responses after ONE of these events.

No one would want to bother me in the slightest. I'm watching myself not to over react to maybe a person delivering junk mail lol. My vigilance is high but my instincts have always been correct and it's that that's not comfortable.

I'm allowing S space to gather friends. I need time for my other children's needs. I'm not really on the list atm again. Just trying to keep appointments already made and trying to breathe in and out between times.

I phoned an uncle who lives 2h away last night. Not from the family that discarded us but from the family who was estranged from me since childhood. He said he's going to come up soon and help with the heavy garden work. He said that 18 months ago too lol, I guess he means well. We haven't seen them for almost 2y. I won't hold my breath.

Such devastation of families in our lives from these abusive people.

It is what it is.
Love to you, I hope you're feeling okay.
Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I totally agree with you, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for people with little English or with little or no support. My heart goes out to people in that situation.

You certainly have had a lot to deal with over the past couple of weeks. And I can certainly appreciate how you felt hearing that your younger daughter being held captive. I would have reacted the same way you did. I always said God help anyone who touches my children.

I'm glad S has friends around her. She needs support at the minute. I can imagine the you starting to feel a little easier now.

Glad the family pets are safe with you. I seriously cannot understand how cruel people can be. Anything to hurt their partner including harming pets. Sometimes I despair at the cruelty in this world.

I am not surprised you were shaking for days. You've been dealing with some very traumatic stuff. I honestly believe it is far worse for a parent witnessing your child in pain, than to go through it yourself. And on top of all that has been going on, you've had the stuff with STP. I truly hope things get a little easier for you during the remainder of your leave.

Yes I know hypervigilence. I remember buying a car when I was in a hypervigilant state just after my son died, lets just say I got a good deal, I wasn't accepting any nonsense from the car sales rep. Lol.

Your instincts and your intuition are excellent. They well hold you in good stead during this period of turmoil.

Sometimes breathing is all you can do. You're such an aware Mum. I applaud you for acknowledging your other children's needs. I know when a crisis is on often the other kids get lost in the mix. It shows your level of awareness that you can see they have needs to. That said, it's also important to find some space for you. Even if it's just a short walk or a bath. Be gentle with yourself. I remember and old saying which went something like "you can't draw from the well, if the well is dry"

I hope your Uncle does make the trip down to see you. It would be lovely for you to be able to reconnect. That said, good on you for calling him. Sometimes, especially with the older generation, we do have to reach out to them. At least that's been my experience in my family. Mind my family are incredibly dysfunctional. Lol.

Be gentle with yourself.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Lololol, as you were writing "it is what it is" on the other thread. I was saying the same thing here.

We get pretty good at "Acceptance" but CLEARLY we don't take anything lying down either!

And so here we are 2 peas in a pod seeing our psychs on the same day lol. I Pray the wisdom of your psych multiplies & osmotically transfers into mine! lol.

Sighhhhh as Croix first signaled in an echo of my psych friends (and fury too), my well of wisdom chiro said to me today "I don't think this psych is going to work out for you if she can't get the fundamentals right....." then he echoed my sentiments exactly that I hadn't shared with him yet.... "You fall WELL outside the trajectories missy lol... sadly I don't think she'll be able to treat you". BAM right there.

I found out from a source that the vast majority of her clients are returned soldiers, police and paramedics.
As much as this was told to me very enthusiastically, I wondered at the time whether her experience could encompass DV / FV / Courts as the VICTIM not the observers and responders to such events.

And for a virtual lifetime.

I have all the respect in the world for the people who serve in our armed forces. And for the awesome police women and men that have helped us, those who have disdain can jump in the lake. Paramedics I've had little to do with but it's been a 75% good count so far.

Anyway, it could be back to square 1 in my search for a good psych. If so, I'll have to give feedback to the helpline I got the name from. I think this psych may turn out better for the people I mentioned above.

If I change then I'll make sure to choose one who also uses EMDR. I'm trying not to get too despondent before our phone appt on Thursday morning but it's hard to shake these instincts. Esp with so much outside reinforcement.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM (with a wave to Mara)~

I will probably be told I don't get it or understand but I beleive that PSTD from the armed forces is different from that of police, which is different again from first responders Fire & Ambulance. And complex PTSD, or abuse, is different again.

Sure they all have many symptoms in common from guilt to flashbacks/nightmares and more, but I'm not sure they come from quite the same place. I'm not going to go further with this as it may be hurtful to some and anger others.

However I think a psych's specialization can be on just one -eg AMF, and their treatment for a different type not be as effective.

I don't have that much experience, but I can relate to other members of a police force, but not the same to the others I mentioned, then again maybe that is just me.

One thing I do know, whatever your feeling I'm sure you are quite capable of deciding what is helpful.

Croix

[Croix]

Forgot to say, like the badge:)

-C

[Mara56]

Dear Croix (with a wave to Em),

I believe your assessment is accurate. I worked in an affiliated health area. A local Dr did a lot of work with ex-servicemen, retired Police FESA personnel. They all had PTSD. This Dr would refer them to me for treatment. I felt so much compassion for them. It was around that time, through some extra study I was doing, I started researching PTSD. I was absolutely floored as I read the research and realised I had PTSD. I had been in therapy for years and no one had mentioned PTSD. I took the research and went to the psych I was seeing at the time and I asked her if I had PTSD. She replied “I believe so” she went on to say I had complex PTSD from multiple traumas. I remember sitting there and thinking it would have been good to have that information years earlier.

The irony in all of it was that I had great success with my PTSD clients. And yet I didn’t recognise the similarities between theirs and my experience with PTSD. There were similarities as you mentioned flashbacks, nightmares etc I just didn’t identify with them. I had been so used to being the way I was that I thought it was normal for someone who had experienced the trauma I had. Everything changed once I new what I was dealing with.

I also agree I’m sure some psychs specialise as say in dealing with certain traumas. I’m just glad I found the psych I see. He has broad experience across many types of trauma. He owns a training organisation and has trained counsellors for years. So lucky to have found him.

Thanks once again for your wisdom Croix.

Cheers

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I planned to reply to this thread but I’m wiped out tonight. I know you’ll understand, its been a long day.

I promise I will reply to you tomorrow.

Love

Mara

[Guest_1643]

Hi there,

That's interesting homework!

I really like and appreciate that you can watch cartoon as a relaxing thing. What other things are your main self-care go-tos?

I used to like to read magazines... so relaxing. Movies are a big one for me too, it was really a way for me to enjoy myself and feel like "me."

I think tonight calls for hot cocoa as it's been one of those days. My phone which seems indestructable decided to break. Dead. And my big TV was set up today on the wall (LOOKS AMAZING!!!!) however can't actually work because I need an extension cord and don't have one.

So i'm just a little frustrated but thinking about self-care.
Also thinking about how good everything can be, even when it's bad.
Good luck with ur homework....sounds like the therapist is pushing you hard!!! But i think that means she's good 🙂

have a great night