new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Congrats on thinking outside the box on the GP appointments etc. A difficult path to navigate uggghhhhh. I really hope you get some resolution!

Just a plug for my lawyer and barrister tho, Mara my story is IMPOSSIBLE for anybody to believe. If you took one fifth of my story then even THAT would be difficult to believe.

It's really that bad.

But I cheer myself on and when the going gets tough, I'm sure my PTSD is right at home at getting going. (like today which I'll expand upon later because I can't believe today either).

In the law cases, it wasn't that they believed the other party AT ALL because after all it's a nutcase.... but they had never seen a more complex case than mine in over 40y practising of one lawyer at the practice who wouldn't touch my case AT ALL lol. Every lawyer I saw said the same.

And it became even more complex as the cases went on. horrible.

Anyway I'm so tired. Talk soon

EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

OMG! I can't believe after all that that she doesn't do EMDR. I don't know what research she was quoting but I did a little bit of research myself and everything I read was supporting EMDR as a treatment for PTSD. Certainly they've had really good results with ex-servicemen. I honestly hope your next session with this women, is a vast improvement on this last one.

I can totally understand where you're coming from re: being fine filling in psychometrics etc. and being prepared to do the work. I would be too providing the end result was for my benefit, not my therapists research. Your welfare should be the priority, in my opinion.

I admire your commitment to your MH. And your determination to seek out the right therapists to help you. I'm sure there are other therapists near you that offer EMDR. Certainly there are heaps in the state where I live.

Don't worry about OCD. Lol. You're in good company, I like colour coding too Lol.

Re: the medical issue my end, I am so over my body at the minute. I know all the trauma is stored in my body. I have done somatic work in the past but because of the enormity of the trauma, well it pushed me right to the edge. I'm very wary about doing any more work in that area. It's just frustrating that every time I try to deal with something, another medical issue presents. Thankfully my specialist believes in the mind/body connection. She watches me carefully because of my past trauma. I'm just over it at the minute. Emotionally, it has not been a good fortnight. I'm just hanging in till my next session.

I'm impressed with your ability to put yourself in your Solicitor and Barrister's shoes and to recognise that the enormity of what you went through, is a lot for anyone to comprehend. That said, I recognise how hard that period would have been for you. To have been through so much trauma and then to have to convince your legal representatives that your telling the truth, I can only imagine how painful that would have been.

Yes, totally understand the PTSD being at home with getting going. Yesterday sounds like it was another tough day for you. When you're ready to talk, I'll be here.

I hope you manage to get some rest last night. Your leave so far has not being a restful one, that's for sure. I hope today has been an easier day for you.

Sending you a great big cyberhug

Take care

Mara xx

[ecomama]

blondguy said:

Hey EM

just a humble note of appreciation for your valued input in the 'Mindfulness..What is it' thread...I havent been online (anywhere) as much as I used to...Thankyou for all of your help...Nice1

my kind thoughts

Paul

Lol Dear Paul, are you feeling okay?

Thankyou for your kind note here. Things are "busy" - putting things mildly. And I WISH it all about the STP and minding my own mental health.

I'm so certainly sure that so much mindfulness training for decades from Eastern philosophies / religions (in efforts to respect all wisdoms, is one of the MAJOR reasons for being able to 'cope' lol if you can call it that, through so much.

Peace be with you Paul

EM

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, great big cyberhug felt warmly and another one sent right now to you.

Oh nothing's fair. The events of this week are beyond any conception imaginable. An adult child's life has just been shattered again in almost every way. It's not fair and my darling doesn't deserve ANY OF IT.

It's today - s/he admitted to believing in true evil.

I must tell you about a formidable dream I had a few years ago. It turned out to be EXACTLY true in all ways.
The most serendipitous thing was that the very next day I was fleeing with my children interstate on a "safe house road trip". We stayed at a long lost cousin's home for a bit here and there. A BEAUTIFUL, pure and loving soul. She gave me a "Christian" Book with dream interpretations. We read it and deciphered my dream. Then another dream. I had had 2 impactful dreams that week.

They prepared me for the worst to happen.

My only concern has ever been for the safety of all my children. I had no idea that evil's tendrils would spire throughout my life in the most insidious ways. Affect my children.

It's still happening!

I thought this was really over. Last night at almost midnight after virtually 36h of dealing, I had nothing left but to Pray. This would horrify Christians lol.

I'm NOT Making any extreme changes to my life, because it's not what we do throughout a PTSD response nor extreme events, is it Mara? lol.

But I can't help but to think, that I'm on the wrong path. Not with MH but with broader things. I would never abandon my children, but something has to change. I'm very grateful that 3d is an option for work in 2 months. This may give me time to chill / assimilate / regroup.

I really feel a "calling" to a few things and feel very free and calm and really motivated when I'm thinking to explore these. Not the usual trigger / PTSD overtures at all, as per.

For now. I'm staying put in all things as much as possible.

I was surprised at the EMDR analysis too. Contrary to my readings. I know I'll get that when I choose to follow up. It could be as early as changing next week! lol. All fine for the moment. Just need to clear some things with STP and see where that lands us.

Chat soon, love EM

[Croix]

Dear EMb

The mood tracking app supported by Beyond Blue, Headspace, Monash and Swinburne is called MoodPrism (ver 2.x) by Nicole Rickard and is available free for Android and iPhone smartphones

While it was originally developed as a research tool that is an advantage in terms of accuracy and granularity.

HTH

Croix

[ecomama]

Thankyou Croix, as always a WEALTH Of knowledge.

What does HTH mean?

I will try to get one of my children to download that lol. THANKYOU. Might help both Mara and myself with our OCD tracking of our own designs.

I'm so beat tonight. Barely any sleep for nights now.

I've been in battle mode for days. Hate that this feels far more "familiar" than relaxation mode which I am not sure I have attained in many years. But I will strive for relaxation HARD lol. Just joking. I would love the vigilance to leave but with actual physical threats it shouldn't leave, so it's difficult.

A number of "strange" things happened here last week before those offenders were found on our property last week. All daughters were a tad freaked out by the strange happening before the offenders hiding event, but I just shrugged them off..... then with the events of THIS week, it's apparent the strange things tie in.

I have an American bf so you can imagine his shock that I don't own the usual U.S. items for defending oneself.

Our physical security is SO high at our house. It's like a fortress here.

Still there are many types of breaches of security. I'm just tired of it all.

Good night. Take care and thankyou.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: Trigger warning Mara - please maybe not read.

It's a very difficult time when you're trying to heal PTSD / C-PTSD & go through therapy for it, then a major life changing series of events presents with a bang.

On top of the ridiculous random police event at our home LAST WEEK with offenders deciding to hide in MY Freaking garden of all places AND hold my child which is by far the worst part of it. Tbh I'm still trying to figure all of THAT out.... I cannot even process that properly because the next week, this week could have some tie in which I CANNOT believe..

THIS week an adult child went through horrors. This child I'll call S.
S may need surgery and we don't know where that will end. Not good at all.

This was discovered by S reaching out during major DV event. Police etc. I believe S has Stockholm Syndrome which I'm familiar with myself - bonding with abusive parents and 1 long 'bonded' or better described as 'trapped' event with exH due to threats. Too hard to explain.

Now I'm in the middle, as the primary support person of my child S, of more Courts & I can't believe it.

It's the most shocking outcome for S to have to try to untangle from DV. Deal with many other issues including serious health issues. Child custody issues & all that entails.

The offender is not in the home.
The school got involved & they've coined the situation PERFECTLY. They've made adjustments for the safety of the children and S picking them up etc.

The offender has a large family. I hope they watch themselves over this. They certainly didn't last time (18 months ago) when S fled here with children.

I was & am STEELY in my approach. Law all the way. Cold as ice over this with offender & it's family.

Sadly we all had "warm" relationships until my exH got into their ears & turned them all psycho - but my evaluation is that they must've had this predisposition anyway to believe it and act in the worst ways.

AGAIN I've been accused of doing THE worst things - things I would never do, not in a billion years, ever.

So now I wait for S to decide upon action, throughout health ordeals, etc. PTSD has meant I was "better in battle" with sharp awareness & decisive action. I "clicked in" to the mode immediately. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing but it happened & saved lives.

And I have to begin reporting. Again. Horrible.

My stuff - wrote the 150 points of strategies, they flowed smoothly (lol) in my PSTD or protection state.

EM

[ecomama]

Update:

I am only just now realizing how much of an impact S situation for 18 months and before has kept me in a heightened vigilance mode - I'm pretty sure my PTSD has been activated or just below the surface for all this time.

As sweet as my Counsellor has been throughout everything and gave incredibly good advice a large % of the time, one thing was ignored - the activation of my PTSD. Hence a new Psych etc - thankyou Croix for giving me an extra 'objective' but well informed confirmation of this action. My Counsellor's advice was to basically report what I knew but to kind of put up a psychological boundary with S and situation and more or less forget about it.
Impossible. When you KNOW your child, adult or not, is in danger then doing this is forcing denial.

I have no idea HOW I could be 'healing' or even coping with PTSD being activated by S situation for so long.
I'm glad to have had the support from others here! And around me to come to this realization now. Thankyou everyone.

The Police Social Worker has been AMAZING. S now has a direct number to her and I really admire her approach! It's the same approach as I have. The ONE thing most people don't realise is that when a person is in a DV situation - in home or separated / divorced from an abuser, the MAIN thing the victims need is relationships. An abusers aim is to cut off ALL relationships, using any ways they can, to Socially isolate the victim(s) and maintain control.

It's SO difficult when you have a friend who's in this situation and you keep hearing awful stories. Reporting to FACS is necessary when children are involved. Calling the Police when you know a violent event is occurring is on my priority list now.

When stats show it takes an AVERAGE of 17 times leaving before a victim leave for good (some 50 in that average) then each time they leave is one step closer to permanent.

The other thing that's difficult to comprehend for me anyway, but it's true, is that at the point the abuser KNOWS their partner is leaving is THE most dangerous time for the victims.

Usually an abuser chooses a partner with empathy - they need this to draw off of. Sickening but true. So here you have a victim with deep empathy for the abuser and others, and an abuser that sucks the life out of all around them including their victims - mainly their victims.

Things have turned around and begun to improve but I'm aware of the 2 steps forward, 5 steps back occurrence. Yo-yo effect in a DV situation.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I'm am so sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter S. So glad she has a direct line to the Police Social Worker. My heart goes out to you both.

Don't worry about triggering me. I have enormous empathy for DV victims. I honestly feel I need to be doing some volunteer work either in that area or with children. I feel enraged at the way these perpetrators treat their victims.

It is true what you are saying about the number of times a partner leaves a DV situation. I know my mother was going to leave numerous times. I lost count in the end. I think that's why when my first husband raised a hand to me, that was the beginning of the end for me. It took me 2 years to build up the courage to go but I went & I didn't go back.

That said, I ended up in a relationship after my son died. He wasn't physically violent but he was mentally violent. It was a toxic relationship. I knew it & I kept leaving but after a few months I'd go back. There were elements that were good but overall it was an abusive relationship but my world was shattered & he was there. I was used to being controlled, it was like being home. Eventually I sat down & did an exercise, my psych had asked me to do a similar one years before after I left my 2nd husband. You may have done a similar thing Em. Basically you write down the pros & cons of the relationships you've been in. It helps you to see a common thread, so that you can identify why you choose these men. With this particular man we'll call him D I took it one step further & compared the relationship to the way my parents treated me. OMG he was the worst possible combination of the two of them. Once I did that, I never went back.

Getting back to the DV. We had a couple living next door to us at one stage. You'd hear the odd banging. One day something happened & I saw the girl drive away upset. I flagged her down to check she was ok. Her partner saw me, so I got in the car with her. I knew that I had put her in danger by flagging her down. I won't go into everything but I remained calm. He wouldn't back off, he was trying to charm me. Eventually I called the police. I've never seen so many police cars in my life. I made a report, the victim did too. Her mother turned up on my doorstep the next day with an enormous bouquet of flowers. She told me they had been worried that she wouldn't survive, choosing my words carefully but you can join the dots. Sadly the victim withdrew her complaint. 

Mara

[Mara56]

I am not surprised that your PTSD has been triggered by your daughter's situation. I know the heightened state you're talking about. That is why people with PTSD are so good in a crisis. Unfortunately it takes a toll. For me it's the days and weeks after a crisis that I struggle with. But in the middle of a crisis, I've got everything covered, I'm so switched on, my poor adrenal glands....... I suspect that you are in the middle of all that adrenaline pumping ATM.

Your S is so lucky to have you. Not only are you a loving, supportive Mum but you also have the experience of the system to draw from to help her. I hope S stays safe. You mentioned she may need surgery, I hope she's ok.

It does sound like you need to look at a new psych. It's always tough moving on. But I know with your commitment to your MH you'll make the decision that is right for you. Personally, I went through 14 counsellors before I found my psych. Sadly, in counselling you can out grow your psych. They can only take you as far as they have the ability to take you. Then you have to move on. I'm in terror of that happening with my current psych. I keep looking at him and thinking you're not getting any younger, don't you dare retire or die on me. LOL.

These DV offenders make my blood boil. So many of them are so manipulative. And narcissists to boot. The damage they do to their victims and their families. Yes, you are right about the isolation thing. I was only talking about that last night with someone whose friend is going through it at the moment. It's so wrong. My wish for the world is more awareness so that people would call these lowlifes out on the damage they are doing. You should feel safe in your own home. Your children should not have to grow up in terror.

I am sending so much love to you and your daughter S and her family. I truly hope S and her children stay safe.

Take care, lovely lady.

Love

Mara