new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Wow, those are shocking experiences around your children's young lives. I think your anger is well directed there. No wonder your son felt that his asthma wasn't such an issue. What a waste of a beautiful young life. Hugs.

And now you have developed the same ailment, that's so crazy! Heavens so many surgeries, you poor dear thing. And little, if any, pain relief. That's insane.

My mother had no words to describe her loss. She spoke to me & cried for decades about it almost every day. No one shared the depth of her loss. Years later she started a support group for parents, I hope it helped her. IDK.

Do you have a good GP?

I have a friend who is a Dr of all sorts of things and she has been so invaluable for getting referrals to the best she knows of. And she pretty much knows everything lol. She's been so many people's phone a friend on a TV show.

She told me to be asked to be referred to a very amazing allergist, supposedly the best in Australia. I have seen him twice over 10y. Weird thing is that my allergies have somewhat dissipated. I know the major reason why. It was what was being put in my food whilst married. But anyway there are drops you can get from the Allergist. I got them.

Life can be so hard. Where to put the grief we feel. How to feel well and fine again. I just don't have the answers. My grandmother once cried to me over the loss of her grandmother, I was about 10yo. I really thought then, time doesn't always heal all wounds, maybe we grieve forever when we lose someone we love. My Nana seemed to, my mum also.

I really hope my children won't miss me that much that they're grieving for years.
I want them to be free. Experience happiness and know all the good they can.
Hopefully they'll have each other, that's a blessing.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM and Mara~

Forgive me if I write to you here tonight, often what I wish to say is something that might be of interest to both of you.

A MHCP entitles you to a fixed rebate (irrespective of what is charged) on visits to a mental health professional or group therapy but not a psychiatrist. You can, on approval from your doctor have 6 visits in a calendar year , a number that can be increased to a maximum of 10 on approval.

I do not know of any mechanism for any increase. Details here:

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-care-plan

Don't bother to sat woefully inadequate. The number of recommended treatments for many conditions exceeds this number.

It is possible to see a psychiatrist as often as needed, however that is expensive until one hits the annual Medicare Safety Net

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/services/medicare/medicare-safety-nets

As far as group therapy is concerned I would be most reluctant to go as firstly I would not trust the others in the room to be confidential, and more importantly to act in an appropriate manner. In addition reaching a natural halting point would be extremely difficult. I'd draw a distinction from support groups.

This does not mean others should never consider them, just my personal reaction. Perhaps if it was full of coppers I might feel different, then again ...

On another matter I think you raised an important point, leaving therapy to one side one tends to talk abut mental health issues for functional reasons, in court, at work and so on where a reason is needed.

Same applies to dressing appropriately - though not to the extent of putting a cushion down the front of a dress to appear pregnant and gaining court's sympathy, (Yes, it happened).

So to be able to talk about all the things you wish, MH, family, anything without having the pressure of events to make you talk is a boon.

Walruses are at least semi-literate as well as "movied". I'm happy to struggle with Nausea, Godot or Hume as you wish. Of those Godot would be my favorite.

EM I don't envy you untangling a keen male visitor to hand as it were, and loyalty to a far distant bf long-time elsewhere though I'm sure you are equal to it.

All those things that were said about mums were made by those strong enough to make them, true and frequent as they are, it is sad to think of the rest. The problem is perhaps bigger than it might appear (and that is terrible enough)

As usual left a lot unsaid -ah well

Croix

The only way

d

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

You are so right. The number of sessions available on a MHP are woefully inadequate. Especially as you say, you can have unlimited visits to a psychiatrist.

I have struggled to understand why the Govt has not increased it, especially given the emotional toll that has impacted so many because of the Covid lockdowns.

I’m with you in relation to group therapy. I’m also fine with support groups but I have had a terrible time previously in therapy group settings. That experience has made me wary to put myself in that situation again. That said, I know many people benefit from group therapy and ultimately everyone must do what works for them.

I feel there is a whole story to the cushion down the front of a dress story Lol.

Thank you once again Croix for you input, it is as always very much appreciated.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi Croix, walruses are such deep thinkers! Thank goodness for that.

What you raised about MHCPs is what I had thought. Then upon seeing my GPs receptionist to pick mine up last week, she said I had 10 on mine and after that another 5 would be coming, should I need them.

Hence that drove me to start the thread I did. I was confused. I'm afraid that this GP doesn't instil a lot of confidence in me. He has made some mistakes I the past, but I couldn't 'see' the preferred GP for weeks and I needed the MHCP asap.

So I would like to contact the GP (one who issued my recent MHCP) for further clarification. I will do that later on.

I understand (successful?) treatment for C-PTSD patients are estimated between 20-30 sessions to lifelong. I got this reference from the Blue Knot Foundation website which has so much information.

Ofcourse the psychiatrist appointments for those needing such must mean a hefty financial commitment, totally unaffordable for some.

I'm trying to take each day as it comes atm. I'm planning ahead but not too much, mostly just trying to wind up work before my leave starts in 2 days. I need to remind myself of many things but that I'm only one person is a good start! I often take on far too much and feel overwhelmed by it all. Things had to change.

I have so many things on my "must do" list that other things have to wait for now.

🙂
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I so wish I could cry, it would be a welcome relief. My boy died 14 years ago and I’ve only properly cried once and that was late last year. My mother lost two sons. One died a month after I was born. She never dealt with it. I won’t go into it except to say I learnt from her how NOT to grieve in a healthy way. As tough as it has been I made a conscious effort to be there for my other child. I also have to the best of my ability lived life because he didn’t get that opportunity. I’ve travelled heaps and each time I do, I do it in his honour.

I do have an excellent GP. I also have a good team of specialists including a respiratory specialist. I’ve had allergy testing twice but nothing conclusive showed up. I know the drops you mentioned my sons were on them. My eldest is allergic to pollens and grasses, my youngest was allergic to animal fur. I’ve got to tell you it was fun times going to the Royal Show with them. Lol. Antihistamines all round.

Sounds like you have an awesome friend. It’s always good to get some inside information.

Grief is such an individual thing. There are elements that are similar for many but I believe the relationship to the deceased, and the quality of the relationship influence how long we grieve.

You have raised your children with awareness. I am sure that when the time comes they will grieve you accordingly. I’m also confident that if they do struggle they will reach out for help, their Mother has taught them that it’s ok to ask for help.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi again Mara

Yes grief is such an individualised experience. I'm glad you have lots of happy memories and it would have been very difficult to make a conscious effort to care for your other child whilst grieving. Sorry Or maybe not. IDK.

I'm glad to hear you have a great team supporting you. They seem to be making breakthroughs with you which is fantastic.

Triggers are also strange, sometimes we don't expect them at all. Other times....well...we do try to avoid situations on purpose.

I'm still shaky after an incident on our property just now. Suffice to say I was leaving late tonight to pick some of my children from their part time jobs. Police were in our street. I just went on about what we needed to do. But an offender was hiding on our property. Gosh it's difficult to type properly.

I mentioned our CCTV.... anyway long story short, I and my other children who were coming with me to pick up the others bychance, had to give statements, our names and numbers etc.

I didn't ask if we might be needed in Court. We have been given other directions. I probably shouldn't say anything more. I'm being selfish when I say I do not want another appearance in Court for the rest of my life, nor for my children. Though some are choosing careers that lead there, on the 'right' side of the law that is. I couldn't help thinking that the police are gonna see a lot of stuff when they put our names in the system. Eyebrows raised no doubt.

My chest hurts. My pulse is still racing. My youngest daughter had what she called "compassion for the victim".... another day's teasing out that perspective.... she was talking about the person who fled a scene.

Anyway. So much for an early night's sleep.

The police thanked us so many times. I thanked them for their service.

ok. shaking almost gone.

Better try to sleep. You take care too.
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened tonight. Totally understand you shaking. I can see how this event would be triggering for you and your children. Hopefully you won’t need to go to Court. I’ve given statements and have so far avoided having to appear in Court. I’m glad you had your CCTV. I can just imagine how grateful the police were for your help.

I wouldn’t worry about the police in terms of the information they find when they enter you in the system. My experience with police today is that they are a lot more aware and compassionate than they used to be.

Your youngest daughter sounds like a compassionate soul. I’m sure you’ll help her tease that out.

I am making breakthroughs which is such a relief. Really looking forward to seeing my psych tomorrow. It’s our first in the flesh session since the whole Covid lockdown.

Well I hope you and your children get a restful night’s sleep. Also hope the triggers settle quickly for you.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mara. It was a pretty horrible experience and I can't tell you all of it. It's too much.

Today some people at work were describing a high speed police chase they heard about on the radio. It ended at _______ (my suburb) where the offenders were apprehended. Yep in MY garden. I didn't say anything. Tbh I blocked out the initial offense they said.

I had already told my boss and supervisor. They were looking at me whilst the people were discussing it.

I just pretended I knew nothing about it.

I don't think I'll have to go to Court. My daughter was the most involved, I hope she doesn't have to, especially at her age and especially again. I'm grateful the police acted so swiftly.

My leave couldn't be more perfect in it's timing for me, personally. I think I'll sleep for the first month lol. just joking.

I contacted a different tree lopper for a quote in 10 days.
I have my tax to organise and drop in, in 7 days.
My Counsellor Monday.
My new psych Tuesday.
tax tax tax lol
Church stuff.
a billion driving lessons for the kids lol fun!
I know I'll do gardening to relieve the stress lol.
I have to think of 1 truly self-care thing... not sure what. Maybe a nap or 2 next week.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM and Mara~

Mara:

Crying can come as a frightening shock, and can happen many years later. It may well be good for 'release ' etc but I don't know. It has happened to me a few times, many years later. I think it may be a cart and horse thing, the crying comes when the healing has got you to the stage where it is manageable and you can afford it. Maybe the knot inside you is still too tight and there has been nothing just right to loosen it. Pain and loss may not diminish, simply other things grow. Some might call that 'acceptance' if they subscribe to a conventional theory.

I know, I'm no doc, just going on my own experiences.

EM, I doubt you would be needed in court, first there may be a guilty plea, otherwise only ownership of the CCTV - it does not sound as if you know much. Your little glimpse of the whole incident from when it started would be peripheral at best.

I would agree court should be avoided if at all possible (not just in this situation). As for the police, unless they happen to realy want you for something serious I doubt they would give past history a second glance.

Croix

[ecomama]

Thankyou Croix, I think Mara is doing so well, I just hope her migraine didn't take hold today. She's my hero lol.

Yeah I agree about the Court / police stuff. Unless I wanted to prosecute over 'trespassing' which I don't, it won't be anything. My 'history' is only false reporting, primarily, by 1 now insignificant abuser, plus it's mother - more insignificant. The police didn't even contact me over the pages of allegations! I got to see some of the reports in Court.

I need police checks for my work so the ridiculous allegations were just that.
I was saying if the police saw these notes, they would want to leave me alone lol, after everything we've been through. CCTV were put in by Victim's Services.

And have now been used by police. That's pretty good karma for the Govt. Gives their story and our statements indisputable evidence.

I was pretty shaky this morning when I woke up but things subsided over the day and I am beginning to feel the most relaxed I have in ages! It could be the adrenalin come down. Could be that my leave starts TO MOR ROW oh yay. Well tomorrow afternoon lol.

I'm just very grateful for feeling my resilience and recovery is happening. I'm amazed I'm not shaking and so HAPPY I'm not. My youngest daughter actually went to school after 5h sleep lol. And after all that. I phoned the school at their recess time and let them know what happened last night. "Your poor family!" they said lol... well not really, look at how well she's doing 🙂

My daughter felt like she really helped the offender in those few minutes she was "held" by the person. I can see a strength in my daughter today, like she's standing more upright. I think her new career is forming, she's already spoken of it.

How are doing Croix?

EM