Narcissistic Mum

Rowen13

I have recently turned 50 and have been a carer for my narcissistic mum. She uses all the usual tricks, gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolating me, sabotaging etc.

My mental health has spiralled and after being a carer for 10 years, I feel depressed, anxious and suicidal. I suffer from childhood PTSD with physical and emotional abuse. We were also often starved as children and were never provided a stable loving or nurturing environment.

She is now 82, has two brain tumours and has fallen and hit her head twice. But after being repeatedly verbally abused in front of doctors and nurses, I broke down. I can't continue and often feel like the only way to be free is to take my life.

I am on a carer's payment so I take the abuse because I am scared of being homeless. I have no husband and was unable to have children. I have had a case manager assigned to me as I spiral further into my depression and suicidal ideation.

I have told her I can no longer be her carer, she is trying to guilt me. I have no self esteem and feel guilty for leaving my mum in the hospital. I have no support network, no friends, no income and feel so isolated and desolate. My life has passed and I my body goes in to panic mode as I am continually traumatised by her abuse. I feel so much shame and lost in life.

I have no idea what to do, I will soon be homeless and I will be unable to make car repayments. I'm a scared little child at 50 years old and I long to close my eyes and never wake up. I wish I was never born. My depression and GAD has made me in to a coward and I am worthless.

Rowen13

Hi guys,

How I wish you were friends irl. I read your words and feel completely lost. I don't sleep at night and am too anxious to eat. I am beyond myself with worries and having no support network is killing me.

My family is poor so mum doesn't have a will and has no assets to speak of. There is no house or inheritance just a legacy of abuse that has created a fragmented and toxic relationship with my siblings.

God having no family or friends is killing me. I do reach out to Lifeline, Beyond Blue and suicide callback.

I have organised with Centrelink to have a 45 minute appointment with a social worker. I am lost beyond words, scared and anxious but mostly I feel betrayed and unloved with my families abandonment of me. Whilst I do recieve the Carer's Payment, she is also their mother and I am actually the youngest sibling. Waking up to no emotional support or human connection is killing me.

I just don't feel strong enough to do this alone.

Eagle Ray

Hi Rowen13,

Let the social worker know when you see them that you are really struggling with the aloneness and ask what supports they know of. Just having them to talk to will be good and hopefully help you to feel less alone.

I know you also mentioned being premenopausal. I’m the same age as you and I’m going through that too and I’ve had the extreme anxiety, dread and despair that some women get as hormone levels plummet. While what you are going through is already really hard, if you are on that hormonal emotional rollercoaster as well then it will be intensifying everything. So perhaps if you can realise some of the panic and anxiety is also from that, it might at least give some perspective on what you’re experiencing.

If you can take 5-10 minutes out of your day and just sit quietly and see if you can begin to ground yourself, that can be helpful. I find it can help to be outdoors with some plants or nature around, but it doesn’t have to be. Just start noticing what you can see, hear etc. Just bring yourself back to the present moment and see if you can find some stillness.

The thing about panic is it tends to feed more panic and then everything starts to feel overwhelming and catastrophic. If you can break things down into this day now, this hour now and this moment now, and just deal with what is at hand in this moment, then things can start to feel less paralysing and panic stricken.

Before seeing the social worker perhaps write down all your major concerns. You can give them the written concerns if you like which sometimes makes it easier for them to see exactly what’s happening for you. Hopefully they can then work with you to break down your concerns into manageable components and put some action plans in place.

I really empathise with feeling isolated as I felt the same as a sole carer and was subject to some family bullying as well. I remember calling Lifeline for the first time in 2021 as I really felt I had no one left at all. My brother was behaving in toxic ways and his partner even more so. But slowly I have been grieving, improving and healing. It is possible to rebuild your life and begin to heal yourself. You will find people along the way, whether they be mental health professionals, mentors or friends who will be a source of support. It can take time finding the right people, but life will begin in a new direction and a new chapter. I know that all seems probably hard to see or grasp now, but just go gently in the present, take care of yourself and take things one step at a time.

Hugs,

ER

Rowen13

You really seem like such an amazing strong person. A lot of what you say echoes with me but the fact you continue to fight alone is amazing.

I don't want to wake up in the mornings but I drag myself up for my cat. But just facing an uncertain future with no supportive family or friends has my anxiety increasing and my depression painting life as bleak.

I feel so unable to cope by myself and continually look after myself all alone. I wake up every day to no one but myself. Soon I will lose my car and my rental unit. I'm tired of feeling scared and alone. I don't know what the point is in continuing alone.

I ring up places for carer's support and will recieve weekly telephone counselling but I'm still alone. This feels like the darkest time of my life and I can't see any light or hope.

Rowen13

Thank you for so much for all information and time you took to respond to my post. I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I have taken down as many notes as I can because I feel so lost and being premenopausal also makes me super forgetful. I keep trying to breathe in and out. I have rung beyond blue, Lifeline and the Suicide Callback service. My fear makes me feel so light-headed and dizzy and the lack of friends makes me feel worthless. I really wish somebody cared and could stand by my side through this hard time but I guess that only happens in the movies.

Rowen13

Thanks Eagle Ray,

Atm just getting out of bed and brushing my teeth feels hard. Breathing in and out. My anxiety screams at me to solve everything at once and know all the answers so I can feel safe again. Fear always craves certainty in a world where nothing is guaranteed. Having chronic GAD makes the experience a thousand times worse. I keep feeling like I want to run and hide to feel safe. I just don't feel strong enough to cope at all.

Eagle Ray

Dear Rowen13,

I can hear how hard it is right now. I can really relate to the feeling of aloneness. I moved to a small country town after mum died and probably I would have been better in the city where I have just a few friends. It’s been very isolating here. What has helped me has been working with a really good psychologist. Like you I had been caring for my mum a long time and my role had always been looking after others. I didn’t even really know how to see myself and begin to be a kind support for myself, if that makes sense. Working with a good psychologist is someone seeing you and witnessing your experiences. It can be the beginning of valuing yourself and developing the inner capacity to self-care and emotionally regulate. I’m gradually learning that even though I have been feeling really alone, as I learn to care for and prioritise myself sort of for the first time ever in my life, I am beginning to see ways forward and feel a desire to connect with the world.

So basically what I’m trying to say is we heal relationally, and working with a good psych is just one way of doing that. It can help us to reconnect to ourselves and the world, or perhaps almost connect for the first time if our world has always been looking after others. I know an issue for you would be the cost of therapy but there’s the option of a Mental Health Care Plan through the GP and then maybe looking for someone with a sliding scale or you could ask the social worker for any options that may be very low cost or bulk-billed. Finding the right person who is a good fit for you is really important too. Perhaps the social worker could be this counselling support for now, at least over this particularly difficult period?

Basically, I think maintaining some kind of social connection in a gentle way that’s manageable for you is a way of managing that aloneness. Coming to forums like this too and chatting on helplines can be ways to keep engaged in human interaction. After my mum died I went to a grief support group which was helpful in feeling less alone and also realising others are going through similar things. In fact, quite a few of us had been a carer for a parent.

I know you have the financial concerns as well. I think this is something you can discuss with the social worker about how to manage going forward. It may be a case of sitting down and working out a budget of how to manage week to week. Try to ascertain if it will be necessary to lose the car or rental unit or if there is a way to keep those things stable for now. What supports are out there that might enable you to keep those things? I feel those are the kinds of things the social worker should be able to provide some info on. Often our minds go to the worst case scenarios but there are actually options that are less drastic and supports available.

Looking back at the chaos of my mother’s final months, what I wish is that I could have found more stillness and been more present with both myself and her. I was running around like a crazy person like you are now, taking mum to appointments, changing wound dressings, trying to deal with her collapsing mental state etc. But the greatest gift I could have given to both myself and her in that situation was kindness to myself. When we are able to be kind to ourselves and respectful to ourselves, I think it has a flow on effect in a positive way to others. It’s like we have to start with our relationship with ourselves and when we can self-care well, we become more able to manage effectively. Not easy with a challenging parent I know, but as we become more centred often energetically they stabilise a bit as well. Sometimes just placing your hand on your heart and sending loving, kind energy to yourself can help.

Take good care,

ER

Rowen13

Hello ER,

Thank you. I definitely agree with the menopause adding more intense emotions into the mix. Even before this my mental health detoriated really fast and I was dealing with the usual physical symptoms of menopause and the emotional roller-coaster that it also brings. Add in my mum's second fall and the two day hospital stay and the stress levels surged further. I haven't been sleeping for 7 weeks now and I don't eat. Lack of sleep wrecked havoc on my mental health and I stopped exercising and looking after myself.

I wake up to panic attacks upon the hour, every night and sleeping has become another source of my anxiety.

But I definitely agree with you, I have to break things down in to more manageable pieces...be it days, hours, minutes or seconds to ground myself and exist in the moment in front of me.

I can't see honestly a life in front of me and can't believe I could possibly have the strength all of you display.

I take copious notes before seeing anyone. Menopause has made me forgetful, plus my anxiety is exacerbating my OCD. I can't plan enough, research enough, ring enough departments. Always chasing down answers and lifeline like I'm a passenger on the Titanic.

I know I have to breathe. I have to hope.

There's such a huge part of me that believes I don't deserve happiness and when my family verbally abuse me or encourage me to commit suicide...well sometimes I wish I could just give it to them. Maybe find some peace and finally be free.

Eagle Ray

Dear Rowen13,

When my perimenopause symptoms descended, and it was really like a dark cloud engulfing me, I had absolutely dismal thoughts and just stopped sleeping. So I feel like from what you describe that could be a huge factor in how you are feeling and your severe lack of sleep. I did start hormone medication and it did wonders initially but then I developed a severe histamine intolerance reaction that some people can get with it and I had to come off it. But I wonder if talking through options that may help with those symptoms may be worthwhile with your GP? Unfortunately not all GPs are very knowledgeable in that area. The downside of the hormone medication is the cost as it’s not covered under the pharmaceutical benefits scheme. But in any case, knowing that the hormonal instability can be awful may help to know why you’re feeling extra stressed and awful. I know your circumstances are really hard too.

I think realising too that OCD may be playing a role in it may be helpful. You may be trying to control for every future outcome, but in reality that isn’t humanly possible for anyone. The stakes just feel high as your mum’s situation seems to be worsening. I know you say you can’t see a life in front of you, but what I have learned is it is being present in this moment now and finding some peace in this moment that creates our future reality. There’s a saying, “the more you try to control life, the less life there is to control”. I’ve also been to a talk by a monk who told the story of someone carrying two heavy suitcases, one being the past and the other the future. He said how the person realised they could put both those suitcases down and walk on so much lighter.

I realise those things may seem trite right now, but intensely trying to solve everything frantically will exhaust you and you are losing the space you need to find some stillness and peace. Just now here a beautiful light rain shower has gone through and the air is so fresh. It is things like that I find bring me back to the here and now. When I was at my worst with a strong drive not to be here anymore, it was feeling the breeze on my face and seeing the birds in my garden that reminded me why I still want to be here. There is so much living for you still to do and opportunities and experiences yet to be had. You are worth it and any feelings of unworthiness have come from outside and how others have treated you. That is not you, it’s a projection from others. You are a good person deserving of life and good things.

Take care and go gently,

ER

Rowen13

Hello ER,

Thank you so much for your words of hope and comfort. Sounds weird but I feel as though you understand and in a way I feel less alone.

I totally get menopause, I was never told about how much it was going to mentally and physically affect my life. I am on a estrogen gel and so far nothing bad has happened. I still have to cry each day in my car whilst driving, parked by the road side or at home. It helps to lighten the pain and heaviness on my chest. I wish of course that I had a friend or partner to have a hug and a cry with but I don't.

I know I'm panicking and already missing my mum. I'm worried that me trying to control myself from spiralling in to depression and cover all bases is making me miss the quality time I have with her.

I keep thinking she can't die. That everything will remain the same because no matter how narcissistic she is, she's all I have.

I also think how I have accomplished nothing in my life and how all of my life has been misspent.

I'm trying to think of the positives but I feel so sad and life feels so pointless. What is life with no one to laugh with or care about you. Walking alone throughout life for 50 years is awful...I'm tired of being alone.

Eagle Ray

Dear Rowen13,

I hear you so much and I too have felt like I’ve walked 50 years alone. In fact I emailed my psychologist last night to organise an appointment around the topic of loneliness. From what you describe it sounds like you have been a lifelong carer for your mum. I consciously remember the day, aged 5, that my mother appointed me to be her confidante/carer/parent figure. It sounds like you were parentified like me. I think only those of us who were forced to parent a parent from a very young age can understand. I completely get your loyalty to your mum as I was exactly the same. My life’s role had been to try to heal her. She was traumatised from having a very abusive mother herself. There were times she could show kindness and really at her core she was a gentle person. But her trauma made her split dissociatively into a rageful attacker. I would often then become the punching bag for those attacks and that sounds similar to what’s happening to you.

If it’s any encouragement I am showing signs of healing. Working with a good psych has been central to that. When you have spent your whole life caring for someone else, healing is about learning to see and value yourself, nurturing the inner child that missed out on that care. A good therapist will truly see you and that is the beginning of seeing yourself. The same when you form healthy friendships. They are relationships of ease where there is care but not co-dependence. The other is not holding you responsible for their care (as our mothers did) but there is healthy reciprocity and kindness with good boundaries.

I wonder if there are some ways to create some peaceful experiences and memories with your mum in this latter stage of her life? Even though things still got fraught and I still got attacked by mum in her final few years, there had been some healing as well. But it kind of fell apart a year before she died when my brother expressed strong anger at her. He had been her golden child she always spoke highly of, so this attack led to a total mental collapse in her making the final year with her very difficult. But looking back I just wish I could have slowed things down and done more peaceful, healing things with her. I was trying to complete uni studies and under intense pressure from that plus it was the first crazy year of Covid.

I wish I could have found some inner peace which would have created better memories and dynamics in that time with mum. That would have required me to self-care as a first priority, but I just didn’t know how to do that then. I only understood expending energy to the max to help someone else. Even with my studies, I feel now I should have just totally put that on hold instead of feeling responsible to the university. It was too much to carry at the time. I think people in our situation have spent our lives trying to meet the needs and demands we perceive others require of us, but the greatest gift we can give others and ourselves is to care for ourselves as a first priority. It’s through the capacity to self-love first that we learn to truly love and connect in a healthy way externally. It’s just so hard when we didn’t get shown how to value and love ourselves as a person in our own right as children.

I hope you don’t mind me explaining my story, but I guess I’m trying to say that having lived through those experiences, I am now beginning to heal, self-care and live a life more attuned to myself. That is definitely possible for you. There are going to be challenges as you shift life to a new focus and way of being in the world, but it is possible to do and to find good supports from the right kinds of people along the way. It’s like coming to life in a new way.

Take care,

ER